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Original poster

Forced to share a room with a TW

261 replies

ILoveJKR · 20/12/2019 20:24

I am in a quandary and cannot talk about this in real life so I hope some of you can understand. Some background information for explanation.
I have a hobby which is mostly male orientated but which a lot of women indulge in too. The hobby has several different ways of enjoying it, think cycling where you can compete, or go for days out, or challenge yourself, visit museums or exhibitions devoted to this hobby, etc. I also belong to several clubs for this hobby.
I met a TW who happens to like the same part of the hobby as I enjoy, so we are often together indulging our shared interest. I care for TW in the same way as I would care for any human being, but I cannot really say the TW is a friend. We have no shared experiences, TW is a bit awkward and over-sensitive socially and looks and mostly behaves like a man but because we are together so often everyone assumes that we are besties.
I have twice shared accommodation with TW on hobby trips (my choice) but I always get changed in the loo and leave the room when TW gets changed. I'm accepting that people can live however they like but males should not be in female spaces.
So, onto my dilemma. One of my clubs has organised an overnight trip to a competition with 5 men and 3 women and TW. The man organising the trip does not know TW is a TW and the two other women do not know TW is a TW. Their only contact to date is via a watsapp group and TW uses a feminine name.
I know that it will be assumed that I invited TW on the trip. But the person joined my club and booked without ever discussing it with me. Free country and all that, I cannot control who joins what club and who books on what trip, but the organiser has put us 3 women and TW in one room (cheap hostel accommodation). And I know that there will be awkwardness for the other two women when they find out they are sharing with an XY person. And I know it will come back on me because everyone assumes TW is my 'friend'.
This is a real-life example for me that we cannot allow this fiction to continue. Men cannot become women and women should not be forced to share their spaces.

OP posts:
DuMondeB · 20/12/2019 22:29

I suppose my respect for the trans woman's right to self identify trumps that for the bio woman's right to say no.

Holy shit.

I can’t believe I just read that. On FWR!

Consent isn’t decided via democratic vote. One woman’s no is a total veto. You cannot give away another person’s right to privacy and dignity.

I’ve been sexually assaulted by strangers twice and a man put his head under the side of my cubicle at a swimming pool. I’ve been subjected to indecent exposure 5 times.
All perpetrators were men.

I have the right to change and sleep in a male free space. No ones inner sense of self negates that right.

Fucking hell.

HorseWithNoBlueHair · 20/12/2019 22:22

I feel let down.

Doyoumind · 20/12/2019 22:22

Don't forget everyone, it's our job to be kind.

SophoclesTheFox · 20/12/2019 22:21

I work in the city too, therefore I am qualified to program space shuttles at NASA-it’s just numbers Smile

Sleepingboy · 20/12/2019 22:20

I would not be happy sharing with a man I didn't know, and in this case this TW would be a man I don't know. I would actually not stay in that room and ask for another if I arrived and was presented with this situation.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 20/12/2019 22:20

And I'm not going to defend my indefensible comment that women don't necessarily have the right to say no....

Raindrops17 · 20/12/2019 22:19

are rad fems as bothered by trans men sharing men's spaces?

I'm pretty sure there will be many men uncomfortable with this for a variety of reasons. But we are talking about the rights of women. Interestingly, I don't really hear of trans men demanding to access men's spaces, men's sports teams etc. I wonder why that is?

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 20/12/2019 22:19

Please, before you go, just give us the source of 'the likelihood of a trans woman attacking you is no higher than that of a bio woman attacking you.'
All you have given us so far is that it has to be true because you work in the City. Xmas Confused

FloralBunting · 20/12/2019 22:19

You should bloody well thank the women who are patiently taking the time to explain why women have the right to set their own boundaries, when you have already apparently dipped in. I think they have been brilliant, as ever, but their labour is a courtesy, and none of us are under any compulsion to go over these things yet again, when you've come in with the full bingo card of TRA talking points. Good lord.

GCAcademic · 20/12/2019 22:19

It seems that Jo Swinson has now suddenly got a lot of free time on her hands.

GirlDownUnder · 20/12/2019 22:18

I'll take myself off now. because I can’t actually back up my argument or provide the stats I’m referencing, even though I’m smart enough to work ‘in the city’.

FWRLurker · 20/12/2019 22:18

I think the study may be linked in that thread that was posted. There was a thread about it a few days ago, will try to find...

SophoclesTheFox · 20/12/2019 22:16
Shock

I was too shocked by the lesbophobia to do my shocked face properly.

slipperywhensparticus · 20/12/2019 22:16

Because lesbians are women and understand the word no

Plus they have no biological advantage over me so in a fight I stand a chance

MIdgebabe · 20/12/2019 22:16

If I self identify as something different to a transwoman , will you respect my rights also?

pegsworth · 20/12/2019 22:15

Thank you for posters who are being kind and taking the time to respond thoughtfully. Others, there's no need to be patronising. I've read the background materials, I dip into these threads, I'm familiar with the basic arguments. I just don't feel they're sufficiently challenged here, it's a bit of an echo chamber.

I'll take myself off now. Thanks again for engaging, I appreciate it.

FloralBunting · 20/12/2019 22:15

Feminist thinks that something trumps a woman's right to say no.

Hmm
MIdgebabe · 20/12/2019 22:15

There is the information based on the uk jail population that actually implies that transwomen are more likely to sexually assault than men in general, but this may be a result of how the stats for minor offences do not record any trans status..so I will take their word that it's the same rate

then more recently ( search on here over the last month) I think a longitudinal study , Sweden? , which showed transwomen committee offences at the same rate as men

SophoclesTheFox · 20/12/2019 22:14

Please tell me you didn’t just link lesbians and the male gaze [shocked]

Bloody hell.

LangCleg · 20/12/2019 22:14

I suppose my respect for the trans woman's right to self identify trumps that for the bio woman's right to say no

WTAF?

HorseWithNoBlueHair · 20/12/2019 22:14

Pegsworth, could you please answer the Alex Drummond question.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 20/12/2019 22:14

Could you show us the stats you are referring to when you say 'the likelihood of a trans woman attacking you is no higher than that of a bio woman attacking you' then please?
This is the opposite of the research I have seen so I assumed you had misunderstood something.

FloralBunting · 20/12/2019 22:14

Ah, it's at least five minutes since I've seen it suggested that lesbians are just as much a potential problem to women as men. Fair warms the heart, so it does.

ThePurported · 20/12/2019 22:13

And pegsworth, the linked thread is long but worth reading if you are genuinely interested.

FWRLurker · 20/12/2019 22:12

pegsworth

Lesbians do not assault women (at rates appreciable to men or an different from straight or bi women). They also are socialized as women and therefore are very unlikely to possess the sort of male-typical sexual entitlement that men do. Because They are women. FWIW I would also be embarrassed to be naked in front of a gay man, because he has a male body.