Forced to share a room with a TW

saraclara

This isn't a random man pretending to be a woman to take advantage of other women. OP knows her and knows that she genuinely considers herself a woman. She is there as a genuine and establisehd member of a hobby group

This appears to be a hostel dorm room, many of which are mixed-sex already. Most dorms I've stayed in have been mixed. So in this specific circumstance I think a mountain is being made out of a molehill

Absolutely spot on.

Surely any organisation which has trans members should be thinking about its policy in such circumstances, doing the appropriate risk assessment and issuing guidelines to any organisers at the grassroots level. It is only the sleeping arrangements that are a problem presumably? It's not that hard to solve.

Perhaps the OP should write to whoever is running the competition, asking for guidance in such circumstances, quoting the sex segregation allowed in the Equality Act 2010? At least then, those in charge cannot say that they were unaware of the problem when/if this hapless male organiser - who is probably completely unaware of the issue - potentially gets it in the neck when everyone turns up, with embarrassment all round.

Personally, if I was uncomfortable sharing on the first occasion, but didn't want to make a fuss, I certainly wouldn't have done it again. That has sent out totally the wrong message to the TW concerned.

I bet It's a hang-gliding club

If it is I hope the OP and other female members aren't too hungover after their fun nights of prosecco drinking- that might be dangerous.

I bet It's a hang-gliding club.

Also, the thread title is particularly disingenuous. "Forced to share a room", except OP wasn't forced and has happily done it in the past, and the two women OP hasn't met aren't "forced" either - they might feel that way in the future, they might already know, of know of, the transwoman (we only have OP to suggest this isn't the case), they might be fine with it, they might know the organiser, there are a load of variables not discussed.

I think the premise that nobody knows the transwoman is trans, because all interaction has been via WhatsApp, is unlikely. Unless this oddly-specific unnamed hobby where you go away and stay in hostels is so hugely popular that there are millions of people who do it and therefore no chance anyone has heard of the transwoman in their enormous social circle.

I think you need to highlight this to the organiser, both for the TW and the others, finding out someone is trans when you get there is different to knowing beforehand.

I think you'd be in a load of trouble if you did this. I don't think OP is coming back, but for any lurkers - this would be extremely difficult to justify doing, and extremely difficult to do without offending anyone. Imagine the TW. You think someone is your friend and it turns out they've seen fit to warn everyone about you? Hmmm.

Anyone noticed the OP has buggered off?

Flipping heck, they have too; that's never happened before.

@FlyingOink said it all 👍🏻

You're very cruel

Tell them

I was going to suggest a pre trip meet up but someone has beaten me too it.

I think you need to highlight this to the organiser, both for the TW and the others, finding out someone is trans when you get there is different to knowing beforehand.

Another way would be to check the club / group's equality policy, and if there isn't one then one needs to be drafted.

@ILoveJKR I think you're doing the right thing with the meet and greet. The other women can make their own decisions after meeting the TW. Personally if I were one of the other women who turned up at the event and found I was expected to share a room with a male without prior warning, I would first be devastated and then pretty angry having to abruptly deal with finding other accommodation or returning home, losing time and likely money, rather than spending time doing something that I enjoyed and had probably been looking forward to. With prior warning I'd at least be able to make my own accommodation arrangements. I hope the meet and greet works out.

This is an oddly specific scenario. It's probably too specific to explain without it seeming contrived. Either that or it is specifically cooked up for screenshots.

OP, the person you've shared rooms with before and who knows you probably thinks of you as a friend. It's up to you to set some boundaries if you feel that person is not respectful. As for the shared room, why would it be your fault? You didn't book it, you didn't vouch for that person, there's no evidence you were consulted at all.
The premise is that you want to make friends with the two women you haven't met yet, and feel this could be hampered by the presence of the transwoman? And that somehow the two women will be upset with you about it? What makes you think they would blame you?
It just seems a very unlikely scenario. In case it is true, I'd advise you to either go, and deal with whatever comes up, or cancel. It's not your responsibility to warn anyone and you're likely to get in trouble if you do, it's also not your responsibility to help the transwoman make friends or to make up for any social awkwardness. All you can control is whether you are present or not.
I feel sorry for everyone involved in this situation, tbh. Ultimately I think the transwoman should have requested a single room, but that would require a great deal of sensitivity and empathy and from what you say this is unlikely.

Anyone noticed the OP has buggered off? That may tell you all you need to know...

Comment below about mixed sex accommodation not be unusual for some hobbies, so it's a mountain out of a molehill. I agree with the first part, but not the second.

I have a hobby that has led to mixed sex accommodation

Every time, the males have deferred to the females on room allocations. I have always been given option, who I share with
.
They see that as due respect. And normal.

Putting a Male in with other women because he identifies as a woman is nor normal and not respectful

People need to understand this is not a therotical debate there are real consequences which played out in my own house!

Your situation is not comparable with this. The OP is an adult who has made her own choice to be involved in activities and to socialise and share rooms with a trans woman.

I agree with 2BthatUnnoticed brendansbuddy MsMaisel - there is something just a bit off about all this. The OP spends apparently a lot of time with this person, this person thinks the OP is a friend, the OP has shared a room with her , so I'm not really getting the reason for the OP's angst. I agree also that her wording is dehumanising and would be of any trans person- in the context of a person who (on the basis of their shared experiences in their hobby) thinks the OP is her friend it is even more unpleasant.

People need to understand this is not a therotical debate there are real consequences which played out in my own house!

We were very concerned about liability to the girls parents. The head of the language school was in a panic. I felt i couldn’t reject the student as we were standing in a car park in the dark at pick up and they were only kids. I wanted confirmation that the sharing girls parents consented. The kids were happy about it we were not especially dh who felt our boundaries violated as he explicitly won’t let me host teen boys as we have girls ourselves and rooms adjacent it’s his one rule.

I was going to ask the same question to MsTSwift. Do you still host? I would have been furious. I have a young DD, and not sure what I'd do, particularly as you've made a very clear rule for your house. Probably make the young boy with eye shadow share a room with my 18year old son! Actually I'd probably just have DD in with me all week, and she'd definitely be asking very direct questions to the boy wearing eye shadow.

The male gaze is not just simple sexual attraction pegsworth

It’s about entitlement and disrespect and objectification.

I have twice been sexually assaulted by men (empty underground tube train and unisex toilets at a gig)

I now conduct my life by avoiding any situation I consider may risk this occurring again. That very much includes being asleep next to a male body I don’t 100% trust.

I have shared a hostel room with my brother and with a male friend I know very, very well but I would never, ever sleep next to a male body I don’t know and that unfortunately also has to include a TW.

It isn’t a personal accusation of their risk to me. It’s the way I now risk assess my life which I have been forced to do due to my past experiences.

NAMALT. I married one and have given birth to three. I have male friends.

But being trans identifying does not erase the risk of that male body and the statistics and crime reports would confirm that whilst numbers are small, some TW have offended by assaulting women.

So they remain included in my male body risk assessment behaviour

Society is now telling me I can no longer use the equality act to help me in my risk avoidance as spaces I would previously have been using during times of more vulnerability (undressing, sleeping, toiletting) are now open to all.

This means it is my life that is affected, my mental health and my enjoyment of everyday activities. Because of what men did to me.

My TW friend totally understands this and does not use these facilities for this reason and would say that their transition has actually allowed them to understand being a woman more and how this affects behaviour and as such they are willing not to blithely take what society is offering them for risk of placing other women under undue stress.
Because they are just as kind as I keep being told to be.

@MsTSwift - that's horrendous. If that breached regulations how did you deal with it?

Yeah, I don’t get the OP either, but pegsworth’s contribution was extraordinary.

I suppose my respect for the trans woman's right to self identify trumps that for the bio woman's right to say no.

Said no feminist ever.

Have lurked on here and suspect you're right. If this person has no problem with sharing a room with this person I'm not sure why they're posting this. They would surely think it transphobic not to be fine with it and would treat it as no big deal. So if the other two minded, it wouldn't be the OP's problem. I'm wondering if this is a trawl for screenshots of how intolerant the evil bigots who believe in sex-based rights and privacy are... It doesn't make sense to me that OP would care what they other thought if she was genuinely cool with it (or this was a real situation).