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Original poster

Forced to share a room with a TW

261 replies

ILoveJKR · 20/12/2019 20:24

I am in a quandary and cannot talk about this in real life so I hope some of you can understand. Some background information for explanation.
I have a hobby which is mostly male orientated but which a lot of women indulge in too. The hobby has several different ways of enjoying it, think cycling where you can compete, or go for days out, or challenge yourself, visit museums or exhibitions devoted to this hobby, etc. I also belong to several clubs for this hobby.
I met a TW who happens to like the same part of the hobby as I enjoy, so we are often together indulging our shared interest. I care for TW in the same way as I would care for any human being, but I cannot really say the TW is a friend. We have no shared experiences, TW is a bit awkward and over-sensitive socially and looks and mostly behaves like a man but because we are together so often everyone assumes that we are besties.
I have twice shared accommodation with TW on hobby trips (my choice) but I always get changed in the loo and leave the room when TW gets changed. I'm accepting that people can live however they like but males should not be in female spaces.
So, onto my dilemma. One of my clubs has organised an overnight trip to a competition with 5 men and 3 women and TW. The man organising the trip does not know TW is a TW and the two other women do not know TW is a TW. Their only contact to date is via a watsapp group and TW uses a feminine name.
I know that it will be assumed that I invited TW on the trip. But the person joined my club and booked without ever discussing it with me. Free country and all that, I cannot control who joins what club and who books on what trip, but the organiser has put us 3 women and TW in one room (cheap hostel accommodation). And I know that there will be awkwardness for the other two women when they find out they are sharing with an XY person. And I know it will come back on me because everyone assumes TW is my 'friend'.
This is a real-life example for me that we cannot allow this fiction to continue. Men cannot become women and women should not be forced to share their spaces.

OP posts:
aggitatedstate · 20/12/2019 21:20

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nocoolnamesleft · 20/12/2019 21:20

Horrific to put the women in the position of either sharing with a strange man, or feeling that they were being made to look transphobic for not being happy sharing with a strange man.

ILoveJKR · 20/12/2019 21:19

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TheCraneWife · 20/12/2019 21:18

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pegsworth · 20/12/2019 21:16

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Original poster
ILoveJKR · 20/12/2019 21:16

That's a good idea Bonny. I didn't think of that.

OP posts:
BonnyConnie · 20/12/2019 21:13

Can you all meet up for a coffee/Skype call under the guise of getting to know one another/organise who brings what (midnight snacks for example)? That way the other women will be aware (in case they have objections) and you won’t look like you are anti trans or disloyal or whatever.

Oncewasblueandyellowtwo · 20/12/2019 21:12

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MissPepper8 · 20/12/2019 21:12

Op why do you assume the other woman would be annoyed at you over this? Personally think they'd be more frustrated the organiser hasn't informed them of this.

I don't know about contacting them or telling TW to tell them (think TW would be very offended, might knock their confidence, as a tw is trying to live their life as a woman and they don't often want to go back to their past). I think you've just got to let this one go and let the organiser deal with it.

This is the best route I think.

Ring organiser, say “are you aware of this” and then you have passed on the information.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 20/12/2019 21:11

I'd tell the man organising the trip to begin with.

Original poster
ILoveJKR · 20/12/2019 21:10

These are all good suggestions but the accommodation is booked and paid for and no chance of changing it. I will just have to quietly speak to the other women in advance. They may be ok with it.
But it makes me bloody angry that we are all in this position.

OP posts:
TheCraneWife · 20/12/2019 21:10

Thecranewife, a crowd of women sharing a room and a bottle of prosecco is hilarious! It's part of the fun and it most definitely changes the dynamic having a TW in the company

Sounds a bit of cliche to be honest- women getting all giggly over cheap fizzy wine.

I'm a bit confused tho' - you said you had shared a room with this person? Was that just the two of you or was this person spoiling the prosecco party?

Original poster
ILoveJKR · 20/12/2019 21:07

helpful, I am the only one on this trip that knows the TW and they are a person I share a hobby with. I would not call them a 'friend'

OP posts:
wibdib · 20/12/2019 21:06

How full is the hostel? Could you book a room for yourself and suggest to the other two women that they do the same or share? Or is there a room for 3 that you could have for just the three of you and suggest that as he joined on and that you had already sorted your accommodation, it would be easiest for them to have their own room. Would you be up to saying that while in the past you have had to share, as there is an option to share with women you would feel a lot more comfortable doing so?

Original poster
ILoveJKR · 20/12/2019 21:03

Thecranewife, a crowd of women sharing a room and a bottle of prosecco is hilarious! It's part of the fun and it most definitely changes the dynamic having a TW in the company.

OP posts:
helpfulperson · 20/12/2019 21:03

Am i right that you have shared successfully before with this friend and that everyone is aware they are a TW? If that is right theni would suggest you ask for rooming lists to go out before. So John , dave and steve will be sharing and sue, sally and katy. Then those who aren't comfortable can make other arrangements with the hostel.

katy1213 · 20/12/2019 21:02

If the organiser is an older man, he will more than likely understand - not having been swept up in all the PC nonsense surrounding this - but possibly won't handle it tactfully. However, that's not your problem.
Could you sort yourself out and find a B&B on your own? I'd hate sharing a room with anyone!

AutumnRose1 · 20/12/2019 20:59

X post

I don’t share rooms full stop! People who are okay with sharing rooms in groups could be fine with this, but you don’t need to deal with this. The organiser can deal with it.

AutumnRose1 · 20/12/2019 20:58

OP I’m not saying that TW will see the problem.

Don’t speculate about what anyone might or might not think. Ring organiser, say “are you aware of this” and then you have passed on the information.

I must be honest, I wouldn’t go on the trip.

Ironmanrocks · 20/12/2019 20:55

Personally I think Still is right. Put the onus back on them. It's actually very awkward for the other ladies not to know, but it's not really your place to say anything.

TheCraneWife · 20/12/2019 20:55

And I know that there will be awkwardness for the other two women when they find out they are sharing with an XY person

I only know the other two women by sight. I have no idea what their opinions are. I know one is very religious

So which is it?

Personally sharing a room with 3 other people would be awful. The fact one of them is a trans woman is neither here nor there.

Original poster
ILoveJKR · 20/12/2019 20:54

Theinebriati, the person does not pass. It's obvious they are TW.

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveJKR · 20/12/2019 20:53

Stillwerise and autumn rose. I really don't think TW will appreciate the problem. I think they honestly believe they are a woman. TW completely lacks female intuition and empathy. The organiser is an older man who I don't know very well either and I think would be completely oblivious and baffled about this transgender controversy.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 20/12/2019 20:50

I'm not sure where you stand if you out them so I wouldn't go on the trip. They created the problem, they can deal with it.

AutumnRose1 · 20/12/2019 20:47

There’s no predicting what people will think on this one.

Actually I’m not clear who technically organised the trip but can you ask that person to communicate with the others?