ROGD Parent Support

Oh dear :(

11 is very young.

I think I would ask him about his feelings, and listen to what he says about them without trying to discuss your own point of view in the first instance. Reflect back to him what you're hearing, clarify what he's saying etc. Let him know you are sorry if he is feeling badly about himself or his body. Give him a hug.

That's enough for an initial talk, I reckon.

It should give you some more info to go on, and to think about before having a second conversation, which could be focused more on your boundaries for him as a minor.

Something like 'I understand that you're feeling unhappy in yourself at the moment. That's really difficult, and I want to help you as much as I can in a way that won't cause you any harm.

See what he wants to happen. Offer what you feel comfortable happening. I asked ds whether he'd like to talk to someone (private, neutral) about it (I said no to gender clinice). I also reiterated that I supported GNC behaviour and presentation - he could be as feminine as he wanted to be, and I would be OK with it.

I drew clear lines on what would not be happening - blockers, hormones, name changes, pronoun changes, gender clinics. Not because i didn't love him and didn't want to help him, but because it was my job as his mum to keep his options open until he was an adult and no longer in my care.

And then, I would do my best to take the heat out of it. Don't debate it, don't argue over it. Don't make it a topic of conversation. Draw him into as many family activities he likes as possible. Encourage non-gender related activity. Throw money at stuff that looks like another possible interest (if you have it...music has been a bit of a life saver here) Stay close. Don't let yourself be alienated from him. Slow everything about gender down as slow as it can get, and focus more on the other parts of his life.

At 11, I'd consider some internet restrictions also. Not huge ones. And not 'because of gender'. (I mean, yes, but don't frame it that way).

I have no experience of dealing with this and schools (we HE) so I'd imagine that's another thing to think about.

Good luck. Don't panic. If he didn't exhibit dysphoria as a child, this is unlikely to be a permanent identity now. He may be having nascent issues with puberty or his sexuality ? If you can find a neutral therapist, that could be a good option for support.

HTH!

Forgot to say he's only 11

I'm very new to all this and wondering how worried I should be!? Friday morning I found a note on the kitchen table from my DS stating he is 'dysphoric' about his identity and that he was now transgender.

This could not be more out of character and is quite honest hard to believe, no build up, no indicators absolutely nothing!!

Fri evening whilst he was at scouts I checked his phone, on Monday he added new apps Reddit and Discord, he has been talking to people who he obviously doesn't know, and his past 18 months of Google search history shows nothing regarding this subject, except for Monday where he was googling the meaning of related words and what treatments he can have.. Coincidence??

Tonight I found a diary conveniently left on the chair saying I wish my mum would call me (girl's name) and talk to me. So tomorrow I think I am going to tackle it, but don't know how 😟. I haven't slept since Friday and still have 24 tabs open on my phone of advice pages... It's a minefield & I'm scared!!

I think that it is fin3 to respond to earlier posts here. So interesting to hear that. My teen had a debate in school today about whether the internet damaged real life friendships. To me, it clearly does, we’ve go5 all these young people who don’t meet, d9 everything virtually, and the6 totally ar3 in a bubble.

^oh, sorry, I completely missed some pages there I thought I was replying to a recent post but it was back in November!

SisterWendy
I completely agree, and think young non-conforming people are desperately trying to fit into a "community"
Language such as "trans siblings" is very influential, persuasive and paired with complete demonization of people (such as their own parents) who think differently, very much sets these young people on a path where they rely on the advice and support of strangers, usually on the internet, rather than those who really care about them.

No I wouldn't send my ROGD teen on such a camp.

ROGD teens need loving attachment with family, and direction into non gender-related activity.

I personally wouldn’t want to send my DD to a camp with other “RODG” teens (I wouldn’t even want her to attend a local support group) because I think for these issues, they would probably encourage and feed off each other.

However , I do know of a number of desisters who have desisted after spending time away from the Internet, somewhere isolated where they have been kept very busy. One of the girls from Pique Resistance desisted after spending time on a horse farm (I think it was) away from the Internet. I do think this type of time away could be very helpful for a teen in the right frame of mind.

I think one of the keys is keeping your teen as busy as possible, not only to limit Internet time, but to keep them distracted away from GI issues and engaged in activities outside the trans bubble.

Reading this thread is heart-breaking and I an in awe of how you cope with it.

I'm wondering - I remember years ago watching that teen Brat Camp show that Channel 4 did, where they sent troubled UK teens to the US residential camps to try and get them on the straight and narrow.

Are there any such camps for ROGD children? Could six or eight weeks away from social media, pronouns, arguments etc have any positive effect? Or would most US states compel adults to use the child's preferred pronouns and thus would be of no use? Just musing as to what could possibly help....

Found the twitter thread I saw. I wasn't dreaming it, it seems!
twitter.com/4th_WaveNow/status/1104427039082405888

Janes - you do have to laugh - otherwise I would be hiding under my mattress all day every day.

Did anyone else see a twitter thread about parents buying 'packers' for their FTM trans children?
I can't find it now, but it was so jaw-dropping I wonder if it was a cheese dream!

nodded sagely and said she preferred blue even at that age

You have to laugh sometimes, don't you. So much ridiculous nonsense (Not the feelings of distress, but the attempts to rewrite history)

This is very well written.

www.feministcurrent.com/2019/06/04/dagny-on-social-media-gender-dysphoria-trans-youth-and-detransitioning/

Reading silently and sending support and much love to you all. Will stay quiet unless further support is needed.

6 weeks before my DD announced she was transgender at age 18, I'd heard about a mutual friend's young adult child transitioning and remember thinking how difficult that must have been for everyone concerned. It didn't even cross my mind that we could have been facing the same situation only a few weeks later.

She wasn't particularly gender conforming - but never showed any sign she was distressed with her body or with being a girl.

She found a photo of herself as a toddler wearing a blue dress - nodded sagely and said she preferred blue even at that age - evidence of really being a boy all along!

I can't remember a single thing about DD which made me think she might be a boy as a younger child

Same here. However others have tried to rewrite things, cherry picking bits and pieces to rewrite her history and informing me where I‘ve missed things. Bollocks to that.

She loved dolls and typically female toys. But also playmobil and had a huge collection. I wouldn’t say playmobil was an indication but others did. She loved painting and drawing. She was a cub and a scout for years. Much has been made of this but 75% of that troop were girls. All of the senior scouts were girls. She loved the outdoors. Still does.

She also loved clothes. Still does. Can spend hours browsing and shopping. She went through a stage of wearing very feminine vintage style dresses and skirts, and 50s style frilly petticoats with doc martens and converse. Much has been made of her love of docs. I live in docs and I’m definitely female. A love of docs means you love docs. Nothing else.

We had a goth phase where she dyed her hair mad colours in the holidays, dressed in black with lots of black eyeliner. Her Christmas list was all Jeffree Star. Even her choice of make up brand has been used to fit the narrative. Then 3 months after Christmas she suddenly binned the lot, decided she was a he and had a complete change of image.

At the sixth form she attended last year there were 9 girls identifying as boys. It’s a small sixth form. But this is not a social contagion? There are a few more this year and more in her new college.

However she watched the new Tyrince video, agreed with a lot of it and is now more confused than ever

I can't remember a single thing about DD which made me think she might be a boy as a younger child

Which is really the first red flag, isn't it ? And suggests that the distress is environmentally induced.

Ds was the same. Very gender conforming, actually. Liked stereotypically boys clothes and boys toys and boys activities, expressed zero concerns or distress about his sex - and he grew up in a home where I strove for gender neutral provisions and expectations ie boys can cry too if they are sad or hurt, it's OK to play dress up and dolls as a boy, you can wear your hair how you like, long hair doesn't mean you're not a boy blah blah.

There was zero indication of any innate issue.

@Italiangreyhound DS used to do a wicked willy waggle when he was smaller, these days the poor lad has 3 teenage sisters so he runs for his life if he finds himself sans pants!

poly oh my, snap again!

"In fact she hated seeing her brother run around naked and used to call his genitals disgusting."

Although in our family ds saunters rather than runs!

@iamright17, I don't know if dd actually has GD but she thinks she has, and that's what needs to be addressed.
@Italiangreyhound DH is the peacemaker in the family. He doesn't like to make a fuss. He's very 'English'- I'm not from the UK and am not afraid to rock the boat, if necessary. I have years of experience fighting for my three youngest ASD children, and this isn't dissimilar. Except I'm fighting with my child too. :( That sucks.
@JanesKettle I'm hoping to find a psychiatrist who can help us with that as I can't remember a single thing about DD which made me think she might be a boy as a younger child. In fact she hated seeing her brother run around naked and used to call his genitals disgusting.

Re rewriting history.

This is what is good about going to a decent psychiatrist. They will often spend quite a bit of time getting a developmental history, including presence or absence of GD in childhood.

With my son's psychiatrist, I was able to clearly and openly - and honestly! - describe the lack of indicators of GD in childhood, a history of very gender conforming choices and behaviours, and the onset of distress co-occuring post puberty with peer and online influence.

Because that's all part of developmental history, which can't come just from the adolescent, because a lot of it they don't remember.

iamright yes I completely know what you mean.

"He also tried to rewrite his story to fit with a diagnosis. This could be coincidence though." I certainly know what you mean about re-writing history.

Sorry, if I jumped the gun in assuming you were saying it wasn't real.