ROGD Parent Support

BlackBerry - I share your frustration. My DD was diagnosed with ASD aged 19, a year after she told us she was not a girl, but a boy. The ASD diagnosis was careful and thorough, took several visits and involved us all as a family.

By contrast, there has been no attempt by any medical professional to get to the bottom of why she feels like this. The gender clinic simply accepted her assertions and referred on for hormones. And took no account of the ASD, quite severe MH problems, or lack of emotional maturity. This is despite the NHS statement given to Newsnight that extensive therapy is offered to patients in GID clinics.

Which means that our kids, whose lives are already fraught with all sorts of challenges, may end up infertile and regretting their decisions.

It is even more of a nightmare when they are over 18.

Hope you don’t mind if I join in?

DD announced she was trans when 15. She’s now 18 so classed as an adult. This came from nowhere. She was diagnosed with aspergers aged 12. What gets me about all of this is the relationship between ASD and ROGD. Not one of the professionals we have seen is even mildly curious about the link or acknowledges that one exists. At the time she was under CAMHS and seeing a counsellor at an autism specific youth group. All just affirmed. And put her in touch with Mermaids. We were told to not question her, just confirm that she was now my son and to do otherwise would result in emotional harm and risk of suicide. We were threatened with social services if we didn’t tow the line.

Just after her 16th birthday she changed her name, used her birthday money on a internet rip off merchant, the youth group helped her complete the deed poll forms and acted as witnesses. We knew nothing about it until it was finalised, the youth group didn’t tell us. So all exam certificates and driving licence are in her male name. I wasn’t allowed to be upset. I had said no to hormones or puberty blockers, binders etc but now she’s 18 I don’t get a say. She’s on the waiting list for the tavistock but has a wait of a few more years.

What annoys me so much is that at no point had anyone asked where this has come from, or explored why she feels this way but both CAMHS and the youth group counsellors actively tried to prevent us exploring this. After all we’re just her parents. It’s instantly affirm all the way. To do otherwise is “emotional harm”, I got so sick of hearing those words. No one seems to stop and think

Poly Please come join us on Twitter. Both @Bayswatersupport and @OurDutyGrp have active online communities (including private chat on Twitter). They have been a Godsend to me over the past two months. There are plenty parents out there who don’t agree with the automatic positive affirmation approach being pushed right nor. My daughter is 14, likely ASD and got sucked into this through school - a year head told us as parents that we had no choice but to let the school affirm her! Turned out he was making up school policy and it has been stopped now, but it’s frightening how institutions are ploughing ahead with it. I’m @Rodgmum on Twitter if you want to read our story (pinned tweet).

One useful phrase I've used with my youngest about hormones/surgery is 'these are adult decisions'. Be like a broken record.

These radical treatments with their scant follow-up and unknown full consequences - there are massive ethical issues around running a clinical trial for a reason.

DD is autistic with PDA trait

My friend's child likewise. Child was happy to move to a different school because there no friends to leave behind (warning bell for me at the time). Child is no happier at this school so I wasn't startled by the announcement child is now a male-presenting Enby.

Who knows if it would be different if we had better access to CAHMS at the point of need.

Poly I'm so sorry to hear that. Going slow is great advice, try to take some hope from those who's children have changed their minds. Some good advice I was given was to block specific websites, such as reddit and 4chan which have sub threads that really promoter this ideology.

I'm so sorry to hear this, Polyplax

The best advice I was given was to slow things down. Your dc may want things to move fast, but it's in her best interests to take things as slowly as possible.

One useful phrase I've used with my youngest about hormones/surgery is 'these are adult decisions'. Be like a broken record.

Remember your child is more than her feelings about being female. Don't let yourselves get bogged down into endless gender discussions. Do normal (for her/you) things together too, that aren't about gender.

And no, you don't have to fast track her into any kind of medical transition.

Yes , she wants to be referred to clinics etc but I know all the lists are closed atm.
Luckily it was only DH and I and her siblings.
Eldest DD is sceptical, DD2 is 16 and gay- she has been encouraging unfortunately.
DS is 12 and delighted to have a brother.
We have;t told wider family yet although we going to need to. I feel like we are in a nightmare :(

Oh god Poly I'm so sorry, has she asked for anything to do with Dr app? You must be in shock still. What a thing to be faced with and on Xmas day. Was it a big announcement to the family?

Hi, our 13 year old daughter came out as trans on Xmas day- that was fun!.
They want us to use he/ him and a boys name when being referred to.
DD is autistic with PDA traits and has been distressed by boobs and periods since puberty started.
She ( I'm going to call her she here, sorry) has bought a binder and wants me to buy more but I'd rather buy an effective sports bra. Her hair is short due to the inability to care for it long and she has dressed as a boy for a few years now as she worries about being kidnapped if she looke like a girl.
To me it all seems much more complicated than her wanting to be a boy. She is also at a girls school so god knows what will happen there.
I'm just looking for some support where people are telling me we have to let her medically transition asap.
We are happy to use pronouns and her chosen name but don't want to give permission for her to do something irreversible.

^ I've come across him...

Gender critical dad is great overcome across him before

Perhaps being one of the few 'neutral' people will lead him to seek you out.

Poor guy.

My kids' dad is thankfully (in this instance) non-woke, and follows my cue on all things to do with parenting. It would be incredibly difficult to stay with someone who wanted to trans my kids.

I would pass on the details quietly, if you think he can be trusted not to 'out' you. Gender Critical Dad's blog might be helpful for him, too.

My friend was unwell and is increasingly so despite the brave face that she is putting on (unless I'm badly misreading the situation). She does, however, have the support of many people.

The husband seems to very stressed and isolated and this is straining the marital relationship. I don't know if I could trust him not to out me or if I will need to wait and see if he talks to me and I can pass on these links in as neutral a capacity as I can. Thanks for the pointer towards GC Dad's blog.

gendercriticaldad.blogspot.com/

Arran

If Dad is trying to slow things down and hold the line re watchful waiting, he is likely to be quite isolated in the context you describe.

I would pass on the details quietly, if you think he can be trusted not to 'out' you. Gender Critical Dad's blog might be helpful for him, too.

It's incredibly isolating when everyone else is rah-rah.

A new website and forum for parents of gender questioning kids who are wary of the affirmative approach. I know one of the women involved and so can vouch for it.

How ridiculous is it that I'm currently wondering if I can pass this link on anonymously to a father I know.

I'm friends with the mother who is affirming the NB male-presenting ID of the ROGD child. The father is opposed to this and wants to adopt watchful waiting: in the interim he is traumatised.

All of the mother's friends are supporting her and the ROGD child in affirmation. I'm not but will be in all sorts of friendship-losing trouble if anyone asks me directly because I can't dissemble or lie my way out of endorsing any move towards medical harm.

It really looks possible now, more than ever that reluctance or sceptisism to accept your child's proclaimed gender, could lead to social services removing you child.
It's becoming completely totalitarian and very scary.

Qcng

I understand. I feel the same way. Have always refused to be forced to lie about the reality of my children's sex.

I am grateful my kids are adult or almost adult; I would be quite scared right now if my GD kid was younger. I think my position could result in removal in the future.

It's not OK to gaslight parents and other relatives.

But can access help for ROGD?

The only way to access actual help for kids with ROGD is to go private and pay a fortune. They are not getting help on the NHS/Medicare/public systems.

All young people, including young people with autism, should be able to access appropriate, evidence based mental health care and support. Most of them aren't, including kids with autism, including kids with ROGD, including kids with both.

And when I say help I don’t mean help. Because affirmation only is not help.

How come autistic kids can’t access
Support
Therapy
Treatment for mental health - anxiety/depression/ocd

But can access help for ROGD?

It doesn’t make sense. Why does ROGD get priority over all the others?