Calling out male creepiness

Since when? I totally would have taken this to mean it's his first time on the checkout, and "don't be too harsh on me if I cock it up". I would've taken the comment about his wife to mean she has been supportive of his new job and will be happy to know he's doing well!

Believe me, from a male in that age bracket, it was all about the innuendo. "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was 'channelling Benny Hill day'".
Ugh.

As to the person who thinks we should feel sorry for him as he is doing a fairly basic job. Not everyone ends up at the top of their career for all kinds of reasons, I certainly haven't, it doesn't give a free pass to be creepy.

I think it’s a bit inappropriate, but I can’t believe people are suggesting he should be fired over this. If you went there again and it became a pattern then maybe, but one incident? He tried to make a cheesy joke and it didn’t come off. I’ve done that plenty of times.

I’d put this in the same bracket as asking for a person to be fired because they misgendered someone.

My overthinking comment wasn’t related to whether he was being creepy. It was me taking the thinking further regarding the dilemma I would experience when considering reporting a creepy man to another man (assuming the manager was male - if not, reporting would be easier).

But you’re right. Even with that I’m not overthinking. I feel it’s likely a male manager might listen, make the right noises, then go back to creepy man and they might have a laugh about it together.

And then creepy man would know I had complained about his creepiness and might progress to something worse.

So having read the rest of the thread, I have concluded that humiliating him in public by “innocently” frowning and pointing out I didn’t know his wife and asking why he’d said it is probably the most comfortable approach.

It’s sad, just how little I trust men I don’t know. But there it is. I don’t.

Am I the only person here who doesn't get it? I wouldn't have thought he meant anything sexual at all. Surprised people think the same as OP?! I would've taken it as an awkward attempt at a 'joke'- a bit sexist maybe, just that his wife thinks he's a bit useless and he wants her to hear good feedback?

think it means, his wife is his boss and therefore you should feed back to her

Since when? I totally would have taken this to mean it's his first time on the checkout, and "don't be too harsh on me if I cock it up". I would've taken the comment about his wife to mean she has been supportive of his new job and will be happy to know he's doing well!

I agree with all of these. If the comments were meant to mean what other posters are saying they would have sailed over my head.

I’m overthinking this, aren’t I?

You're not. Not in any way. He's a creep, and creeps like this rely on subtle nuances so that people (ie. women) do a double take and think: 'did he really intend that to mean what I think he means?' And then we convince ourselves that he didn't.

Once might be a blunder: 2-3x in the same sentence? That's deliberate.

Why is it that we question our own gut instincts and capacity for interpretation before we question men's behaviour? (Rhetorical question disclaimer necessary here). We all know why, and we know the form of social conditioning women are put through in order to arrive at this position. And I don't know about you but I for one am through with putting consideration for these shudderworthy, predatory men above my own ethics of right and wrong and my own personal comfort and peace of mind.

Report the slimy little creep. If he's fired, perhaps he can get some of his weird kicks in explaining that one to his 'wife'.

The choice of the word "gentle" and "first time" make it a sexual reference
Since when? I totally would have taken this to mean it's his first time on the checkout, and "don't be too harsh on me if I cock it up". I would've taken the comment about his wife to mean she has been supportive of his new job and will be happy to know he's doing well!

It's called double entendre. That kind of thing went out with Benny Hill and Dick Emery, for goodness sake!

The first comment, about being gentle with him because it's his first time, is a reference to loss of virginity.
The second, asking for the compliment to be passed on to his wife, references sexual performance.

Yes, he was creepy; yes, he knew what he was saying.

I didn't get it til I read people's analysis and it makes sense now

But then in situations myself, I don't usually realise something is sinister, creepy or wrong til later

I also come out with really stupid or misplaced or inappropriate things all the times when nervous

But sometimes I get a creepy feeling with certain people and am more likely to realise something at the time

Did he have a creepy feel, or was it just because of what he said

The acid test for me is - would he have said it to a man?

Thank you House!

Another pinging moment of Mumsnet Clarification there.

you can dissect his reasons forever, but ultimately we have to coexist with all sorts of odd people, and being odd isnt illegal. Being creeped out is your own feeling and can stem from him triggering an uncomfortable memory of someone else, which is hardly his fault.
It is unpleasant to feel creeped out, but he didnt say anything lewd or suggestive or ask you out inappropriately. He didnt touch you. He just sounds a bit out of touch and maybe a little odd.
Let him get on with his life. Not everyone is brilliant at small talk. Everyone probably makes someone else feel uncomfortable at some point

Plus at the end of the day it was a man in his 50s, being supervised by a guy in his 20s, while working a till. His position isn't great. He probably feels some level of embarrassment

Why do we always try and feel.sorry for these people.

For all we know he could be loaded and choose to work.part time in a supermarket for some interaction a couple of times a week.

What Job level does it go from being an embarrassment allieviater to totally unacceptable?

I work in retail sort of. Does this mean I'm low down enough to put up with innuendos?

For me it was some dude with a bad sense of humour and poor choice of patter.

I think it means, his wife is his boss and therefore you should feed back to her.

I'd nod my head and move on. If a women did this, cited her husband as her boss you'd justifiably be concerned that her husband was coercive. In a man in his 50s, so one of the upper echelons, he was just being an ass.

Plus at the end of the day it was a man in his 50s, being supervised by a guy in his 20s, while working a till. His position isn't great. He probably feels some level of embarrassment.

I'm not sure this warrants 'reporting', he was just a strange person with no sense of humour. As a pp said, sometimes you just have to say "huh??" and make them realise how odd and weird they are being. If you have the energy to be brazen keep asking questions about what they meant all confused until they shut up. Oh, being a woman is exhausting.

Snowflake society

Oh what fucking bullshit.

OP, I'd say something. Imagine having to work with him and having this much trouble getting your manager to see the problem.

Im not denying you felt creeped out, but I dont understand what he said that was unambiguously creepy or worthy of complaint for?

I dont get it?

The acid test for me is - would he have said it to a man?

I like it. Anyone here think the answer to that is "yes"?

The acid test for me is - would he have said it to a man?

Urgh. What a creep.

What bugs me even more than this is that age etc is used as a defence. Women pick eachother apart trying to establish if it was innocent or we misunderstood etc

Men know this. Men know we hold the bar of behaviour expectations so bloody low they get away with this shit because we assume they cant possibly help it.

Then men counter the argument with "ffs you cant say anything to anyone anymore " as if we are out there to somehow turn every excuse me please or can you please pass the washing powder into some sexual harassment allegation.

We know exactly what you mean. And we know men know we know .

Regular non creeps manage to hold conversations with women without worrying about things being taken the wrong way.

If a man is at all worried hes clearly a creep.

The choice of the word "gentle" along with "first time" makes it a sexual reference. I would never use such words as I would not want to bring sexual references into a shop transaction.

It's the kind of thing many people would consider just a bit cheeky but I would feel creeped out.

Am I the only person here who doesn't get it? I wouldn't have thought he meant anything sexual at all. Surprised people think the same as OP?! I would've taken it as an awkward attempt at a 'joke'- a bit sexist maybe, just that his wife thinks he's a bit useless and he wants her to hear good feedback?

No??

Just me.. 😑

What a creep.

I’d have looked stony faced at him and said “tell your wife? What do you mean? Do I know her? Has she trained you how to work on a checkout?”.