Calling out male creepiness

Oh...wait! I think I get it. He said it was his "first time and to be gentle" to reference virginity and a first sexual experience. Then, he asked how he did, also alluding to sex, with the response about his wife. Gross.

You could have asked "Why did she teach you how to work the tills?". If he says no, then you can say - "What an odd thing to say then".

Who the hell comes on a feminist board and says that we shouldn't believe what women say and how they feel about stuff?

Not feminists I'll wager.

He could've saidanythingin a creepyway..

So what? Are you seriously suggesting that if he'd "nice weather for the time of year" but in a creepy way the OP should report him to his manager?

No. At no point have I suggested the man be reported to his manager. Don't try and put words into my mouth. The point I have been making throughout this conversation (if you're at all interested) is that if the Op says she felt creeped out by this man, whatever he said and however he said it, then I. Believe. Her.

Catchy little phrase, non?

What to do about it is another matter.

HTH

OP's inner alarm sounded. OP listened to her inner alarm. I am glad that OP has that inner alarm. And that her DD is aware too - OP is being a good mother here.

Yep. Anyone telling you not to listen to your inner alarm is not your friend and does not have your best interests at heart.

If OP ad DD felt that this man was being creepy, then that is good enough for me.

OP's inner alarm sounded. OP listened to her inner alarm. I am glad that OP has that inner alarm. And that her DD is aware too - OP is being a good mother here.

I do advise my children (now young adults) to listen to their inner alarm, even if someone only says "Good morning" to them.

OMG hope you never have a real problem to worry about.

I am not applying logic well that's obvious but if one is going to accept a woman's word unquestioningly...

What possible reason is there to disbelieve that these women felt the way they say they felt? There is nothing to analyze, or subject to scrutiny, because there is no possible way to logically examine, much less disprove, that these two women felt the way they said they felt and that the OP wished in retrospect that she had objected at the time.
Claiming that they are wrong to feel the way they say they did because some people do not feel that way in completely different circumstances is not only illogical but absurd.

I'm at a loss to understand why responsibility for males' behaviour is almost always levelled at the female. No, actually, scrub that. I understand the reasons all too well

I never said anything like that but I am at a loss why unquestioning and unqualified support must be given to a woman just because she is a woman, no matter how unreasonable she might be.

I am not applying logic well that's obvious but if one is going to accept a woman's word unquestioningly presumably one should not baulk at unquestioningly accept a trans person saying they have been the victim of transphobia.

Finding someone a bit creepy is no reason to try to get him sacked from his job.

He's extremely unlikely to be sacked for several reasons.

1. People aren't generally sacked for a first offence, there are procedures, verbal then written warnings, etc. Although he may be on probation so these procedures may not apply.
2. The employer would have to provide evidence to sack him. In which case they would come up against the same kind of opposition seen in this thread - were his words creepy, was it just a feeling, etc?

Finding someone a bit creepy is no reason to try to get him sacked from his job.

So why lay the onus of this on the complainant? She'd be making an accurate complaint about the nature of his behaviour, in the spirit of not tolerating this herself and not expecting other customers to have to tolerate it. The employer may or may not take her complaint seriously (likely the latter, given the usual outpouring of condemnation if a woman dares to make a complaint against a man behaving inappropriately).

If the employer did choose to sack him, it would be a decision made them, not OP. And would be in direct consequence of his behaviour, not because of the fact that the OP had the audacity to take it further.

I'm at a loss to understand why responsibility for males' behaviour is almost always levelled at the female. No, actually, scrub that. I understand the reasons all too well.

I am not applying logic. I am stating that the two women who were there agreed that it was creepy.
You are the one arguing that people who were not there have a better read on the interaction than the people who were there.

But not all posters are taking it as sexual innuendo
The persons it was directed to did

Will you apply that logic the next time a trans person makes an accusation of transphobia against a feminist? You know it is possible to put an entirely incorrect interpretation on something.

He could've saidanythingin a creepyway..

So what? Are you seriously suggesting that if he'd "nice weather for the time of year" but in a creepy way the OP should report him to his manager?

Even as far as trusting your instinct, what does that mean here? She's not deciding to get a lift with him

Finding someone a bit creepy is no reason to try to get him sacked from his job. I find one of the mail room guys in my office a bit of a creep. He's socially awkward, tries too hard and not very bright. The finding him creepy is actually my problem, not his.

Other posters have given plausible interpretations of what was said. I find those more plausible than the assumption he was deliberately using sexual innuendo on his first day at work.

Would he have said it to a man? Possibly- depends on the man. If it was someone like my son (who is a much nicer, friendly and approachable person than I am) possibly. My son makes a point of speaking to check-out people. I don't. I probably appear quite frosty- I often listen to music going round a supermarket and often still have ear buds in.

That's unfortunate for you, but does not mean that other women shouldn't trust their own perceptions or talk themselves out of their awareness that a man was behaving inappropriately. Whether or not she wants to follow up with the shop is up to her, but if people could stop gaslighting her that would be lovely.

That isn't what gaslighting means. No one has told her she didn't find him creepy. No one has even said that he wasn't creepy. They've said that they would not have understood his comment in the same way.

I don't think people should ignore their perceptions either, but I do think it's a good idea to have some sense that they are not infallible, and that maybe if a lot of people see something differently, maybe it's not as obvious as you thought. We often need to try and put our subjective feelings and impressions into some larger perspective. Some people here think the comment - totally apart from his creep factor - was sexual. Some people don't. It's a pretty even split which suggests it's not all that clear in terms of the comment itself.

Even as far as trusting your instinct, what does that mean here? She's not deciding to get a lift with him, if that was the question I'd say no. It's a matter of going to the manager, who probably can't think in terms of "feels creepy" and has to go on what the comments said. Best case, the guy is a creep and the manager tells him to keep quiet which makes
little difference as he is a creep. Worst case, he's just an awkward man and he now doesn't get to chat with people in his crappy job.

But not all posters are taking it as sexual innuendo
The persons it was directed to did.
What difference does it make if "all posters" agree?

Please email and complain OP

He was definitely trying to make you and your dd uncomfortable and shouldn't have said the first bit, the second bit was his follow up. Revolting. Don't forget he will upset colleagues as well as customers.

Since when? I totally would have taken this to mean it's his first time on the checkout, and "don't be too harsh on me if I cock it up". I would've taken the comment about his wife to mean she has been supportive of his new job and will be happy to know he's doing well!

That's exactly how I would have interpreted it- other than perhaps my wife will be surprised to hear I'm doing well.

I genuinely wish I had no had the experiences I have had to basically read the above as quite unbelievable!

I find the idea that a person new to a public facing job in front of his superior would choose deliberately to be pervy and creepy pretty unbelievable.

The OP is not being "gaslighted" unless you think nothing short of unquestioning acceptance of everything a woman ever says or does is gaslighting.

Can anyone explain why he mentioned his wife, if he didn't mean his comment as a double entendre

It already has been explained earlier on the thread and just again now. It could mean something like she's the boss/ she thinks I'll be hopeless- both of which to my mind are a more credible explanation than sexual innuendo.

The OP is not being "gaslighted" unless you think unquestioning acceptance of everything a woman ever says or does is gas lighting.

Also its often not what was said as such, but the way it is said. And tbh, women tend to know when guys are being creeps. Even if he said something most thought was actually 'innocent'..but it read as a creep, he was probably trying to be a creep.

Since when? I totally would have taken this to mean it's his first time on the checkout, and "don't be too harsh on me if I cock it up". I would've taken the comment about his wife to mean she has been supportive of his new job and will be happy to know he's doing well!

I genuinely wish I had no had the experiences I have had to basically..read the above as quite unbelievable! I wish I could be as 'innocent' in my thinking. But creepy men have been creepy men for way too long to me now that this reads as..really naive. I am not meaning to insult you there, I really honestly do wish I could think that way, but I haven't in many years now due to..well many many men and their 'innocent' comments to me/to others. Oh for the days when..I was unaware that so many fucking pervs existed

Can anyone explain why he mentioned his wife, if he didn't mean his comment as a double entendre.

* ..but if people could stop gaslighting her that would be lovely.*

Hear, fucking hear.

If you go onto AIBU and someone posts "today someone was really rude to me, they said "xxxx"" you often get a proportion of people telling them it wasn't rude. (In fact you'll get a good number telling them they are BU and sometime ridiculous).
shrug
If you throw something out there onto the open internet, people will consider it from different viewpoints.