I don't think sexual attraction is binary

One issue I hadn't realised around saying you are bisexual is that apparently (according to an 18 year old lesbian I spoke to) there's an assumption you are then extremely promiscuous.

It was interesting hearing her perspective. She said a very large number of girls were lesbians at her school (a third).

Interestingly she said the boys weren't out as gay due to toxic masculinity and being bi meant you were viewed as 'easy.'

I wondered if the fact that the boys were being ott masculine plus the fact that it was then extra challenging to be bi (misogyny especially directed then at the girls) meant that perhaps more girls than might in other areas were experimenting with being lesbian as a teen as a result, along side some clearly very proud and strong lesbians as she and her partner are.

I've always been picky. Only attracted to men with caring characters, only letting a man who loved me enough to have children with me into my bed (after experiencing the utter shit of men who wanted my body for casual sex).
No-one else. I don't believe in gender.

Since my husband passed away I am not attracted to anyone. I guess that's asexual, and it suits me fine.

I think the level of self absorption needed to spend this much time thinking about who you fancy is staggering.

Shag who you fancy. Past the age of about 25, I find very few people care that much about such things.

I think it's uselessly self-absorbed to label onesself in that kind of way when in reality there are only two sexes. If a man dresses up in sexualized women's clothing convincingly, then a heterosexual man may initially feel more attraction to that dressed up man than he might to a woman in flannels with a scruffy beard from taking testosterone. But true fact: heterosexual men do not want penises on their sex partners. That's not how any of this works, my friend.

Do we think more heterosexual men would consider sex with a correspondingly passing transwoman or a transman? I think transwoman. I'm not a man though!

A. In my experience the majority of men seem to say no to both.
B. Why do you care more about what men want than about what women want?

Honestly this reads like an attempt to complicate things that are actually quite simple. People are attracted to either men, women, or both. While in theory attraction only to people of one sex plus people of the other sex who have made attempts to resemble the first group of people is possible, it seems sufficiently uncommon for it not to make much sense for us to attempt to reframe how human sexuality is generally seen to accommodate that small number of people.

Human beings are complex, and not all inter-personal attraction is sexual in nature.

Yes that's what good friendships are for. You don't need labels for those. There will be people we find super interesting and fun to be around with. Folk we admire and like their sense of style, their company etc. We cultivate platonic relationships with the people we like, but aren't necessarily interested in sexually.

Friendships have nothing to do with sexuality. Like other animals, humans have evolved to reproduce and therefore the vast majority will experience strong sexual urges and attraction and a desire to engage in sexual intimacy. Usually it's to the opposite sex because that's what leads to the possibility of procreation. A minority will be homosexual or bisexual. It's not complicated at all.

I'm a woman and only interested in men of my own age or a bit older. I have zero interest in women.

Oh god. Does anyone actually care? Just get on and do your thing

Why bother to comment just to be dismissive? You can always avoid a thread if it bores you.

Oh god. Does anyone actually care? Just get on and do your thing.

I don't understand the reluctance to be bisexual. If you find yourself attracted to male and female bodies

Human beings are complex, and not all inter-personal attraction is sexual in nature. There can be quite intense platonic types of attraction too; where you are compelled and intrigued by someone in their entirety. Male or female. I'd say I was heterosexual, if I had to .......but I've experienced intense attractions to specific women in my life. Usually women I admire. It is not always about raw physical attraction.

My preference is for MTF trans people or gender fluid male born people.

I dont really feel the need for a label. The only time labels bother me is when AGPs try to do the whole lesbian fantasy. It's not normal. My partner is MTF and would never refer to us as lesbians. I met him as a guy and we are attracted to each other as male and female too. If I were a lesbian that wouldn't have happened.

Honestly, what a load of nonsense. So if someone changes their look massively, from say hypa-femme to andro, you have t change your entire sexuality to accommodate fancying them? Don’t be bloody daft. What about someone who has a varied wardrobe?

I am a lesbian. I do not fancy all females, but all the people I ever fancy are female. it’s quite simple. My sister is heterosexual. She doesn’t fancy all men, but all the people she ever fancies are male. My gay male friend doesn’t fancy every man, but all the people he ever fancies are male. My bisexual friend doesn’t fancy everyone, but the people she fancies can be either male or female. It’s really not rocket science.

This is all very confusing; I don't understand the difference if there is one, between gender & sex anyway.

All I know is I'm straight & I fancy fit looking men with muscly bodies like I see at the gym.
Unfortunately I'm not very fit or toned so they probably don't fancy me.

Oh yes & I've learnt a new word.
Sapiosexual.
It means I fancy only intelligent men.
The problem is I do a min wage job & don't seem very intelligent.
So they probably don't fancy me either.

I'm going to be single forever!!!!

I can have a list of preferences as long as my arm: no shorties, gingers, Corbyn fans, blue hair, men these are all ok by the moment I say no TW I am called a bigot

Because in that second you break the illusion that someone who identifies as something truly is that thing. Your reality invalidates it.

The jumping language through complicated hoops, all the confusing the issue and twisting it in all kinds of directions is all, all , about trying to maintain that continuous illusion and to create a narrative where people have to validate it.

Yes, LonginesPrime I worded that poorly but that's what I meant. It's trendy these days to have fancy labels to describe the 'genders' you are attracted to and I don't understand why bisexual is too uncool or taboo for these people. If you are sexually aroused and gain pleasure from male and female sexed bodies, then you are bisexual. It doesn't matter if you are attracted to more feminine men or more masculine women etc or enjoy a certain kind of sexual dynamics in the bedroom. We all have our personal 'tastes' for lack of a better word!

I'm attracted to the sexed bodies of males and females. On a physical level, there are separate and specific reasons why I find sex with men enjoyable versus why I find sex with women enjoyable. They are not interchangeable the way trans and queer ideology seems to insist we should all be.

Seconded.

I don't understand the reluctance to be bisexual.

Nonny, do you mean that you don't understand the reluctance to be 'out' as bisexual?

My sexuality isn't something I chose and if I could magically be bisexual I probably would do that.

I don't understand the reluctance to be bisexual. If you find yourself attracted to male and female bodies, irrespective of the plethora of made up gender labels, then you're bisexual. There's nothing wrong with that!

I agree that people conflate sexual orientation with preferences. People's personalities and sense of fashion and traits and attitudes all contribute to whether we find someone attractive or desirable.

Out of all the men and women in this world, there's a subset I will find sexually desirable and from that subset, there's an even smaller section that I would find suitable for a long-term relationship.

And for me, genitals absolutely matter. I'm attracted to the sexed bodies of males and females. On a physical level, there are separate and specific reasons why I find sex with men enjoyable versus why I find sex with women enjoyable. They are not interchangeable the way trans and queer ideology seems to insist we should all be.

I don't understand the aversion to being bisexual and wanting to come up with all sorts of convoluted labels to essentially mean the same thing. You don't stop being heterosexual or bisexual even if you only tend to find more feminine men attractive instead of more masculine ones.

The prevalence of males masquerading as 'lesbians' on dating sites is pretty awful though.

@LonginesPrime
"I have.
I like to think I'm quite good at working it out online as about 40-50% of the 'lesbian' profiles I see are TW."

God that is depressing, I had hoped it was just me with that kind of luck.
It can't be right that half the matches we are finding on lesbian dating are males and no one thinks this is a problem.
Someone told me to just ignore them, and I do, however it is very clear that lesbians are no longer using these apps, why would we when it is clear people are abusing them.
Yeah, but "same gender" attraction is a thing isn't it......
So so bored of homophobia from all sides right now.

Like a pp, I think You are overthinking this. There are only 2 sexes. So you are either heterosexual, gay or bi. I am heterosexual only.

It's a strange thing when you start thinking about it isn't it?

Like even if you see yourself as straight, you're not attracted to every guy. Most people have a type.

I think it's best just to be open minded. Love is love and you like who you like. I agree with the posters who have said there is no need to over think attraction.

Just enjoy life!

I wonder if lesbians online dating have the experience of turning up on a date to find “extra stuff” they haven’t bargained for hmm

I have.

I like to think I'm quite good at working it out online as about 40-50% of the 'lesbian' profiles I see are TW. However, it's not always that easy to tell from a tinder profile and with all online dating, you see what you want to see, so sometimes I end up on tinder dates with TW.

The difference in recent years has been the shift toward lesbians being the ones with the issue and therefore people not feeling their,, erm, 'gender history' sufficiently important to mention. Like I'm the one with the problem if I say I want to date women and then am a bit perturbed when someone who was born and socialised male turns up with no warning.

Sexual orientation and preferences are two different things. I’m gay, it doesn’t mean I just fancy men, I fancy a very specific combination of looks and personality. But that should be irrelevant when putting my sexuality in a box, otherwise I wouldn’t be called gay, it would be something stupid like femme, slim, white, kind guy attracted.

But people obsessing over sexuality isn’t helpful, it’s probably one of the reasons it takes gay people years to come to terms with being gay and why it typically means gay women don’t feel comfortable being in gay relationships until they are well into adulthood. Especially as gayness in women is still considered a phase by so many people rather than an actual sexuality.

Ideally no one would give a shit about anyones sexuality apart from their own, but as humans we’re too obsessed about other peoples lives and how other people percieve us.

@AngelOf
"I wonder if lesbians online dating have the experience of turning up on a date to find “extra stuff” they haven’t bargained for hmm"

I really hope not, in my experience the sex of the "lesbians" is clear from their profiles.
It's homophobic and it is wrong.
But for some reason no one cares and people still try to gaslight us into "same gender" attraction.
No. No. No. And they can call me a bigot all you want, it's no different to what other homophobes have done to lesbians for years.

People who attracted to same sex, whatever gender, are criminalised in multiple countries around the world, I think some still have death penalty.

Your idea waters down and muddies the words that are needed for specific reasons including fighting for legal rights.

So a hard no from me.