“He makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up” - warning signs you have observed

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted
Thanks to the Relationships board, I now have a better understanding of the red flags that can occur early in a relationship that indicate risk.

According to most of those boards men are the devil incarnate I wouldn't base your knowledge on what you read in there

I have to say that the one person I have been the most uncomfortable around in last few years and from whom I got the sense they were sociopathic/psychotic was actually a woman

Oh those awful women! Ridiculously paranoid about men, when it's women who are the dangerous ones.

Did you see my post upthread lolaflores?

I heard advice once about walking around alone/ unaccompanied. Head up, breezy, confident looking tuned into knes surroundings. Even if u donf feel ci fident, an outward semblance of it can be helpful

Someone I used to work with always made me feel on edge. To most , she appears to be kind , sweet and hard working.

What I see is a person that really NEEDS people to like her. She buys people gifts (tat that you'd never need in a shiny gift bag) a lot , she tries to manipulate others in to doing her work for her. She constantly complains about how much she has to do but when you look at the search history on her laptop (she asked me to help her with something techy) she spends most of her time looking at ASOS and Next.

I worked under her for a year and eventually asked to be moved as she was just horrid and unpredictable. Most other employees leave because of her behaviour, the only ones that stick are her two best friends. There is a toxic atmosphere in her department due to her behaviour. I fell out with one of her friends as she was behaving like a bully for a time, I now really like and respect that friend as I realised she was acting that way due to the person I'm talking about here.

I've recently found out that she has started a motivational speaking business which to me , is just another thing that is randomly odd. I guess the 'I'm so spiritual' thing looks like a cover for the nasty way she conducts herself.

I saw some research a couple of years back that asked violent offenders to look at different walking gaits and rate/comment on them.

Yes, they got the idea from Bundy's chilling comment, unless I'm thinking of a different identical study.

he looked for women with a physical resemblance to someone who rejected his sexual advances

His university girlfriend dumped him. He spent ages wooing her back and making himself more eligible, only to then dump her in turn as revenge. But he'd found a new interest by that point. And yes they all bore a passing resemblance to her.

JFC, Lily. I'd have been ready to move to another planet.

Yes @bd67th I’ve tried to do the same.
I don’t know why.
But I’ve seen it also in news cctv footage of violent individuals , taken before they’ve gone on to kill or attack.

gullfromhull The only other cause for backwards-facing hands would be very slouchy rounded shoulders, which I would read as poor self-worth.

I'm not doubting your observation, I'm trying to figure out a possible causal relationship between abusiveness and palms-back stance.

When Levi Bellfield’s pictures were later in the paper she was certain it was him.

Dear God. That's awful.

The creepiest thing that ever happened to me, in a long list, was receiving a Happy Anniversary card five years after my marriage.

For context, DH and I met when we both worked in prisons. When we married, it was obviously general knowledge at work although prison staff, for obvious reasons, were constantly reminded not to share personal information as walls have ears. I later transferred to another prison.

The man who sent the card to me - to my new prison - was serving life for double rape and murder. He had been in the prison system a long long time, well past his tariff, but on the two occasions he had "graduated" to open prison conditions, he had fixated on a female member of staff and although he didn't actually say or do anything wrong on either occasion, his behaviour was clearly "off" and he was swiftly returned to a high security prison.

Five years. It unnerves me to think about it even now.

Thanks Creepster.

There was a poster early on in the thread who said they refused to let a colleague walk with them to their car in a dark car park. There’s a poster on here who had their car clamped and the clamper offered to drive her round to the cash point, I think in the car park. Late at night, deserted. He kept persisting and she kept refusing and got away. When Levi Bellfield’s pictures were later in the paper she was certain it was him.

I hadn't heard the term "forced teaming" before but yes, recognise the behaviour and it always makes me nervous. Offering up what seem to be very personal confidences is a variation. It's a very human reaction to comfort someone by offering up a small confidence of your own by way of support.

There's always a misstep between their ego and their behaviour, which is learned and intended to disarm and deceive. They are too watchful. It shows in smiles that do not reach the eyes, which remain alert; in that tiny pause before selecting the "correct" response; in always noticing and remembering that tiny little detail about you.That's why their behaviour always seems just a little "off", even though they haven't actually said or done anything unusual.

I wonder what it was Ted Bundy saw.

Iirc (which I probably don't) he looked for women with a physical resemblance to someone who rejected his sexual advances.

If you're wondering about victimology, try a little thought experiment next time you're in a busy public place. Ask yourself, if I had to mug someone here, who would it be? Old? Ill/disabled? Wearing very high heels? On their own? Drunk? Physically smaller than you? Distracted/on their phone? Someone with their hands free or someone weighed down with bags of shopping or small children? Someone with big diamonds on their fingers? It's not a nice place to be in, mentally, especially when you realise that you personally fit in to a few of the categories (not the diamonds one, sadly). But few attackers are in such a hurry that they attack the first person they see, most choose their target for a reason.

I saw some research a couple of years back that asked violent offenders to look at different walking gaits and rate/comment on them. This was done with animated videos and motion capture technology, so the offenders only saw a blue cartoon figure walking, without the additional visual cues of age/sex/height/weight. Some of the offenders were superb at identifying the elderly and the physically weaker just from the way they walked.

scholar.google.com/scholar?cluster=6145904942942676595&hl=en&as_sdt=0,5

Don't know if the link will work. The pdf is freely available. The citation is
Book, A., Costello, K., & Camilleri, J. A. (2013). Psychopathy and victim selection: The use of gait as a cue to vulnerability. Journal of interpersonal violence, 28(11), 2368-2383.

@Loopytiles

"gloriousred with your current colleague, you say “ he's never given me any cause for concern“, but he HAS, eg you describe at least one good reason for your concern, the way and frequency that he looks at you. Your H has also reminded you that you were right about the past colleague of your H’s."

Good point that he actually has given me cause for concern. I guess I feel like that because he has never said anything untoward to me or been obviously "weird" to me or anyone else in the office. I certainly don't get the same vibe from any of the other men in my (large) department. I went to the Christmas night out a few years ago and got very drunk after having just returned from mat leave and let my hair down a bit too much. He mentioned to a couple of other people about how drunk I was. Not unusual, I was! But no one else mentioned it, he didn't mention it to me and we certainly never spoke at the party - I don't even remember seeing him there. It was a very large company party. I avoid conversing with him at all costs.

Aberhonddu

And you have completely missed the point of my post.
It saddens me that other women experience this.
It surprised me that I haven't experienced what other women have, hence the "wow".
Obviously I've met creeps and had gut feelings about some people, but the posts just prior to mine made my jaw drop.

For some reason, both husbands if a friend. She divorced no.1, 7 months after they married. He was up to all sorts.
No.2 just set my teeth on edge. An insincere smarmy act that she is oblivious to. Turns out he has been going to prostitutes since age 17 and no intention of stopping. Which was surprising. Also some porn problems and posters her for seex 24/7.
Do not ask me why she is still with him but she seems oblivious to why any of this problematic. Over the years we have had less and less contact and I now actively avoid them. he also gives my DH similar reactions. Being round him is like being dunked in a bucket of smarm and it never gets any better. We never acclumatised to him ut she didnt seem bothered by it.

Re Gara's post, I will forever thank my mother for consistently telling me as a child/teenager that if a man is imposing on my space he is the one who is being rude and I do not owe it to him to be gracious in response. God knows girls will still get the never offend or upset or even mildly inconvenience a man stuff from society no matter how well you try to insulate them, but hearing a version that makes the girl the center of her own story rather than an eternal extra in some bloke's quest for fulfillment from family can help a lot.

I think this is the point at which I observe that behavioral patterns can often be observed in posters and suggest people check the middle part of the Boris Johnson thread.

I've read the Gift of Fear. Very good. I'm trying to teach my puppy-like DD 'not' to be nice and polite, in all circumstances as I was brought up. there have been a couple of circumstances where men have made her feel uncomfortable. I was with her, they were dads at an activity, and just trying to be over friendly but in a bit of an eye rolling way, sort of David Brent ish. We discussed and I made it clear to her that if ever she feels uncomfortable, she can just say, turn around and leave , be rude etc , no one is allowed in her personal space and so on. I was brought up to be too nice. Strange man sits next to me on a tube and starts chatting - when I was younger I'd feel to rude not to reply or to move. I've had similar just recently and just upped and moved.

Tectonicplates His parents both seem lovely.

Yep @deydododatdodontdeydo I don’t live in fear at all . But once you’ve been a victim you kind of wake up to micro signs.
It’s so good for you that you have that fuck off air.
Because now you can guarantee you’ll never be raped, or be a victim of a random assault, or intimate partner violence, or stalking, or harassment.

Also to deydodo........
"Wow"
Just fucking wow to you too.

Wow, this thread is illuminating. I can't say I've ever had anyone test my boundaries or use any of the other tactics on me.
I think perhaps I give off an air of "fuck off" and never have random men approach me.
It must be awful to feel that fear all the time.