Everyday sexism

Maybe they'd take notice if you told them they were being disrespectful to Bob?

Re the post about having a male secretary, I'm just starting to experience this now. I have held a senior position in my organisation for 4 years and until recently my team have all been female. I've just had to replace someone and hired a bloke - this is for a fairly junior level position and all of a sudden I've getting questions like "we don;t understand who is running this project now, is it Bob?", Nope it's still me. It is Bob's (not his real name) job to minute one of our strategic-level committees but that seemed to throw everyone in a tizz. Several times during the meeting, it was noted that it wasn't clear to everyone who was taking the minutes and people (men!) started directing action points to me ("are you writing that down, Dinosaur?") and i had to keep reiterating that I was a committee member just like them and that the minutes were being taken by Bob. I actually thought I worked in a really forward thinking organisation but it seems that my male colleagues cannot get their head around the fact that Bob is the new Jane and doing all the duties that Jane did while my role remains unchanged.

Similarly to the car dealership stories, I walked out of John Lewis about 5 years ago and made sure management knew why. I was trying to buy a new laptop and DH, who is decidedly non-techy, was along for the ride. I am a keen photographer and wanted to get something quite high spec that would run various bits of software. The male sales assistant kept guiding me to basic entry level laptops, telling me how easy I would find them, they would do everything for me which would keep me from getting confused. He pointed out the ones that come in pink and kept making "jokes" about me wanting a laptop so that I could look up One Direction fansites.

On the subject of photography, I once took my full DSLR kit to a family event - quite a big bag with various lenses, tripod etc. I was carrying the stuff and I was the one who started putting everything together but DH's uncle could help but repeatedly ask DH all about the camera spec to which DH kept shrugging and saying it had nothing to do with him. The uncle just couldn't be deterred though.

Being asked if I wanted to show my “hubby” the plans for the garden by landscapers. Asked this twice. I’m separated. Not hiring those guys.

Disclaimer: I am aware that while strong I am much smaller than most men and that due to bilateral TMJ surgery two years ago one punch in the face could literally destroy my quality of life. To clarify, as a result of past injury I can't bite into an apple or each anything really hard requiring great force - my jaw is fragile and held together by muscles taken from my temples to create the padding in the joints. I can kick, I can scream, but one hard punch to the face and my jaw would likely shatter as glass hitting concrete. Four years ago I would have told this man to get the fuck back but now my face is fragile - I like my face, and I very much like being able to chew, smile, laugh, make funny faces, and all of the other things having an intact jaw affords a person.

So yesterday on our way to a luau party, we stopped at a gas station that we frequent. DH pumped gas while I ran in to use the ATM and purchase a beverage for the longish drive.

I was dressed in a comfy yet fitted outfit - long tropical looking skirt, a tank top, ponytail, and lace up wedge sandals. (Shared only to create an image.)

Standing at the ATM (already unnerving considering the ATM while in plain sight of the people looking in the windows is isolated and tightly contained) a man a foot taller than me at more than 3x my weight approached me from behind loudly squealing about my outfit and hair.

He complimented me profusely to which I was pleasant and gracious (he was saying he needed my outfit supersized for him). However, I laugh when feeling nervous or threatened - it is a sad weird sound that conveys desperation attached to fight/flight. DH heard this odd laugh - he knows what it means... he stopped pumping gas and started towards the store. He watched me through the window - trying to decide if he should intervene. He could tell I was uneasy but appreciates that I like to fight my own battles so he watched... waiting to help if I needed it.

While very uncomfortable - you see this man had trapped me in the corner (my back to a cooler blocking backward retreat, ATM in front of me in the corner, and this huge man blocking my only path to escape) with my debit card in the ATM waiting for cash to be dispensed. I couldn't see around him or above him. But he had a friend with him as well - just as tall but not as large who stood closely to his side further blocking me.

He hunched over and casually reached out and laid his incredibly sweaty arm/armpit) about my shoulders and attempted to force me to hug him. When I said please respect my personal space he went on to tell me how I shouldn't be frightened or rude - that we're both "just girls". He then asked my name and where I live. I smiled, told him that I am a woman not a girl, and asked him to please move. He continued to spout a barrage of compliments at me. It was like a very weird take on up close catcalling.

As DH walked through the door to do his cursory "everything okay honey?" call out the man retreated and let me pass to the checkout counter. DH retreated to pumping gas satisfied that I looked comfortable enough again.

As the man walked out and past my DH he was still talking about me to his friend. He said mostly complimentary things as he passed but laughed openly and gregariously at my discomfort.

Why is it funny to back a woman into a corner and touch her? It is a violation regardless of what body parts are touched, it is illegal imprisonment with unwanted touching.

I could not get that man's scent off my skin even after slathering my shoulders in hand sanitizer, it took a very hot shower to remove his oil/sweat from my body.

How is it that someone claiming to be a "girl" just like me would delight so in making me uneasy and celebrate my vulnerability? Because my sex is a costume, a feeling? Well it fucking isn't I am full human and deserve to be treated with dignity and seen as such.

Yes, it is rather amazing that businesses have still not realized that it costs them money to be twats. I went to buy an expensive camera together with my DH and the salesman hardly talked to me, but when he did he talked down to me. I was not so assertive back then, so didn't say anything, but my DH told the salesman we would think about it and we then bought the camera from another shop.

@FWRLurker
Indeed.

Yep, this happened to me in a Mercedes dealership. I test drove an AMG, having done lots of research online beforehand. Then the (young, female) salesperson asked me if I needed to talk my husband about it before I put the deposit down. I’ve never been married, never will be and wasn’t in a relationship at the time. I sent an email to the head of sales at the dealership and will now never buy a Mercedes for that very reason. Went next door to BMW and very happy with my JCW MINI. Nobody there has ever behaved like that to me in the three years I have been going to them. It’s important to make it clear to people that it’s costing their businesses ££ when they treat women as less able than men.

@Merename I have this problem as well, my son had an appointment at audiology, the (male) audiologist commented that he wasn’t whether to call us in for our appointment as my sons Mum wasn’t with us and she would know the answers to questions he had. I said he doesn’t have a mum (which he would know if he had actually read my sons notes) and he asked if there was another adult who could join the appointment.

I’m a Cambridge grad, so I’m not a complete moron!

MilkGoatee

I’m not sure I see The relavence here. Admin assistants of either gender are expected to dress sharply. Bosses of either gender... often not so much.

Yet it’s only the female boss’ authority that would ever be questions.

A male boss would never be mistaken for the admin simply due to having a slovenly appearance. The fact that it did with your situation demonstrates the sexism here.

It’s when I see girls school shoes. Flimsy and crap in comparison to boys.

@BiologyIsReal
If you really want to see everyday sexism as a woman, have a male secretary, which I did for a couple of years. The amusement was endless.

In my office there used to be a team situation quite similar. Woman my age with male more junior (but older in age) colleague, or even male (30s) trainee. Often the male is looked at as the manager, even though they would have known that 'Lydia' is the manager. But in both cases, the men were clean cut, in suit and tie, and the manager with a long limp hair, badly dressed (mostly due to serious obesity and not wanting to spend any money getting some fabulous bespoke clothing which would suit her position), but with attitude regardless (so not coming across deferentially or anything). Looking the part also helps.

I think if you are in a sales role though its part of your job to notice and overcome any of this sort of unconscious bias.

The first chain of dealerships that cracks selling to women is going to clean up, isn't it?! Personally I like CarGiant. Never experienced sexism there and it's got a cafe and a loo that is not even oily.

ViolaTricolora
I don't think I'd be able to resist walking up to the customer and asking them why they did that

A customer asked me for something in the supermarket where I was a supervisor. We didn't sell it, so I told him that. A minute later one if my coworkers, a teenage boy, asked me for the same item. The customer saw me answering my coworker. So, another minute later, another coworker, also a teenage boy, came over to ask me the same question again. Again within eyesight of the customer. After that, the customer gave up.

Recently we’ve had a spate of hospital attendances with our two young DC, and without fail, the medical staff have done the same thing with addressing me (mum) only, and not even making eye contact with dad, let alone involve him in the info or aftercare plan. Despite him holding DC at time and clearly not being a feckless dad. He has found it really shocking, I didn’t really care as I was the one being treated respectfully in the situation! But since he’s commented on it I’ve been more aware and it is really direct and just as sexist to us both.

Good point, fraggling, I can see that, and we do it ourselves I suppose.

@BiologyIsReal - I've always said I'm getting a male PA one day!

My car one was trying to sell my car because I was leaving the country. Took to a couple of dealers. Very low prices. Challenged them repeatedly. Was told they couldn't go higher.

My dad took my car to next day to three dealers. His LOWEST offer was higher than my highest.

And what's annoying is that I of course went with his highest offer (to be fair, he didn't take them to the same dealers as I did so maybe they would have been better with me but...)

Also, I think a lot of men just feel more comfortable talking to other men, that might come into play.

And a few really do see us as a different species.

'Do you think it's about avoiding upsetting (fellow) men?'

Oh! Wow. Yes could well be. Great thought.

If you really want to see everyday sexism as a woman, have a male secretary, which I did for a couple of years. The amusement was endless.

nicola18737 there are lots of verbal hedging techniques, designed to make the speaker appear more sympathetic and the message less harsh. They are employed more often by women (but not exclusively).
It's a feature of collaborative (as opposed to competitive) communication. However men tend to read that language softening as almost a weakness and walk all over you verbally in response.
So when I talk to men I don't know I am very direct. And then they assume I am a man. So it must be pretty ingrained in them to expect to be facilitated by women in conversations.
Likewise, I don't laugh at shit jokes male colleagues make. I'm not sure when I decided to stop verbally fluffing men but it makes some interactions much more straightforward.
Of course, that means there is a very high chance they call me a ball busting bitch behind my back.

Worst, and funniest in a sense, was the guy from the body repair. The time OH came, he only talked at him, answering him on questions I posed (my (lease) car, OH doesn't drive). But the times that I came on my own, no problem, he talked technical, was perfectly at ease.
Do you think it's about avoiding upsetting (fellow) men? Assuming a junior male is in charge might piss off his female boss, but the reverse would be somehow worse?
We're just collateral damage

Had the "can't find the fault" thing with the car, and it was obscure to be, but the annoying thing is that I've observed this, I tell you what I hear, maybe you should listen.

Case of female not believing that the van was "swaying" and said I was simply not used tot the wind buffeting a high-ish vehicle, but her husband - the actual mechanic - believed me straight away. It was a slow puncture, with 2 tires affected by nails.

Worst, and funniest in a sense, was the guy from the body repair. The time OH came, he only talked at him, answering him on questions I posed (my (lease) car, OH doesn't drive). But the times that I came on my own, no problem, he talked technical, was perfectly at ease.