Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

WifeOfTiresias

"you must be a lesbian because you married a woman"

Ultimate gaslighters. I imagine so many women find themselves starting to believe them regardless of context, like my beautiful intelligent and achieving DN started to believe her (now) ex who told her 'nobody else will ever want you, you're stupid and thick so you can't leave'.

Would 'no, I'm a victim because I married a skillful manipulative liar who hid his true self until it was too late' be a useful response?

@somethingawful - you are entitled to feel the way you do. You definitely need to find some counseling and talk it out. No one should tell you how to feel, and while "demonising" is quite an emotive word, it will take time for you to understand where you ultimately stand in the trans debate.

eg: I had an AGP ex. He was abusive. I became fearful of all trans people and thought perhaps I was a bigot. With time, talking to friends, it turns out I wasn't a bigot. I have trans friends (MTF and FTM) and the amazing thing is, they aren't AGPs. They're just people who identify as female and male. Their personality and behaviour are the same before, during and after transition.

You will eventually sort yourself out, don't be concerned about what others thing, a good response to your friends that I used with my friends who did judge me when I left my ex "assholes can be found in any gender".

I still miss my husband. But I do not miss the ass that he became.

Someone (might have been on this forum) said that these men who are trying to become women are doing so via exerting their male privilege. So true.

Tinsel, so well said!!! Including the last sentence.. very true!

KitKat, I am so sorry. I know you miss him and just want him back. I’ve tried so hard to understand it but I don’t think I ever truly will. I’ve told my daughters they will need to add it to the list of things to find out from perspective partners: Have you ever felt like you are a woman? It seems like such a ridiculous question yet it’s apparently a necessity. But what can you do when someone is not honest about this aspect of their lives? How do you trust again? It’s affected us greatly in the short time we were involved in it. I can’t even look at guys my girls are interested in without scrutiny.
My dd and her bf were still going strong when he dropped the bombshell. My husband and I both think the probability of marriage down the road was great. He could not fathom how she was not able to accept him as a woman and learn to embrace all the inevitable changes to come.

I was wondering if all of these men were against the whole transgender ideology before proudly declaring themselves trans? I’ve heard that happening with gay spouses being very homophobic and then declaring themselves gay. My soon to be ex was very much against it especially in the military. He would say things like “what PT test do they take?” and “the military isn’t somewhere they should be”. Now he’s upset that Trump isn’t allowing transgender people to openly serve. It’s a mind F$&@ for me as I thought I knew him. We always believed in being kind but not going along with the idea you can change gender at will. Even had this conversation with my teen daughter where it got quite heated as she believes it to be true that you can change genders. I think that has been what makes this worse is that he always had a very conservative and Christian view on things to now he’s completely opposite.

As per my family and I, soon to be ex still wants the kids to go to the LGBTQ+ therapist but I’m having a hard time agreeing to that. Everything is very patriarchal in the way he goes about things. He may want to be a woman but acts more masculine in behavior than ever before. Our house also had a leak that now has to be repaired before the house can be sold so it’s all falling on me since I live here. The kids and I are going to have to move out to a hotel for a week while repairs are being done. I’m not sure I’ve breathed properly in 3 years from stress and anxiety. I know this will pass but I’m still struggling with still wanting my husband back. Of course I don’t want him the way he is but I’m grieving the future I thought we’d have. Maybe I’d be in a better place if he wasn’t so demanding on some things, dismissive on others and would actually take responsibility in this!

Wife— and the whole “I’m still the same person inside” rhetoric. It’s such a psychological mess they put women through.

Absolutely right, @TinselAngel.

The only way a couple can stay together in these circumstances is for the wife to deny her own identity and pretend to be attracted to a pretend facsimile of a woman. So the man's need to "be myself " is of overriding importance but the woman's right to her own identity is trampled in the dust.

A very common manipulative statement made by these men to their wives is "you must be a lesbian because you married a woman ". My own H parroted this one in the early days. Soon put him straight. I married a man who was a very skilful liar.

Thank you for your kind words, Social. It is an interesting study for sure and I do wonder when he will come out of the closet and what that will look like for his life. Will he develop another relationship with a woman and keep the secret this time since it went so badly for him with my daughter? I just wonder how or if this issue will change with the social acceptance that is shoved down our throats these days. It’s kind of funny because my daughter was all on board with acceptance and that’s why it came as such a shock to him when she told him she couldn’t continue. Acceptance for those “out there“ is quite different from actually living with it!
—- I think I’ve said this before but he admitted he has a “God complex,” meaning he is his own god, basically. It really does seem there is a common thread that runs along the seams...

Btw I'm so happy to hear that your daughter is doing okay; she is lucky to have you as her Mum.

What that resonates with me. My ex ALWAYS had an ongoing secret (finding God/looking for a career change but not saying a word/thinking he was a woman). He seemed to need a secret life, and I think it links to his (also) issue with authority. He has major 'daddy' issues, and I think felt he had some right to a secret life I didn't know about, as it felt empowering and uncontrolled (as he would see it) by anyone else. I think he felt the secret was 'his' and nobody could criticize or disrupt it; it led to straying into a fantasy life I think, and culminated in transitioning and living a rather delusional life very separate from his previous one (his own children, friends etc.). I wondered whether having issues with authority and being very proud/vain/defensive/easily offended came from an attempt to feel okay/in control/valid.
Of course I have little time for the psychobabble when an adult parent lets it drive mistreatment of their children, but hey. These themes seem related. Other posters have talked about a defiant 'nobody can control me/tell me what to wear/what to do' element to this which is quite 'teenage' in these middle-aged men. So as the kind of personality traits/disorders I see in these people, it may be that your daughter's boyfriend isn't so different from our middle-aged partners.

Thanks WifeOfTireas, that's really helpful. The driver behind the question was really whether it would make life easier for the wife and children, because current situation is not sustainable.

@sorenipples my H has fully transitioned and we still share the house and parenting ad are friendly but not a couple.

All I can say is that H has been more pleasant to share space with since the transition. Seems more relaxed and more willing to admit fault. Before coming out and in earlier stages of transition was frankly an abusive twat and we would not be having anything to do with each other if that had carried on. The change in behaviour and admission of fault has enabled us to come to an arrangement to give the DC a stable home while they need it.

However I do not see any need for me to concern myself with whether or not H has been made happy by transitioning. He is an adult and is responsible for his own happiness or lack of. I'm not going to give it any headspace I need to concentrate on myself and my DC.

It does frankly annoy me that in this situation wives are expected to still take responsibility for their OH's happiness. Would a wife whose H had an affair be asked to consider if the OW was necessary for his happiness and give her blessing? And make no mistake, a married man hiding his true nature throughout a marriage then dropping the bomb after years has committed the biggest infidelity there is.

Tell your friend not to waste head space on worrying about her H's "happiness ". That is his responsibility. She needs to put herself and any DC first.

I will also say that it’s been interesting reading about all the similarities but my daughter’s experience was different since her boyfriend was 17 and not an adult who transitioned later in life.
Some things worth noting: He was paranoid (recorded people without their knowledge) and secretive. He did not tell her he played D&D once a week and had been for years. Why did he keep this secret?? He also hated authority and resented his mom for any reasonable requests regarding curfews or other things.

Somethingawful.. You are not alone! I have not posted in awhile but my daughter was just turning 17 when her bf of one year told her he was a woman and had been all along. She kept it to herself for a long time because she was afraid she would not have support in this crazy day and age.
Now that six months have gone by, she has been able to confide in a few friends. I hope you are able to find those people in your life. My daughter is now doing well. She has a boyfriend and is enjoying life again, but I can tell she has some lingering trust issues from this traumatic experience. Blessings to you!

somethingawful I think that if peoples response to you talking about your trauma is to express concern that you are demonising a group, then its not you, its them.

Someone posted on the Relationships board recently, about people who react badly when you say you have gone no contact with a narc parent. I'll try and find the quote but basically they don't like the idea of you being autonomous and being able to walk away so feel the need to police you and bring you back into line.
If you could do it there's no reason they can't leave the situation they are in. Or you might leave them.

The last thing you need is to be re-traumatised by them, I hope you can find a good counsellor for yourself.

Has anyone's partner been made happier by transition? Asking for a friend obvs .

SomethingAwful, I understand completely about not wanting to demonize trans women. We as trans widows are dealing with a very specific, very messed up subset. Who are very different from the young trans men and women I often work with at my college. But you've been through a serious trauma, please consider getting some professional help.

somethingawful I have to say a lot of people have gone a bit mad lately. I echo Tinsel that getting counselling is helpful. Just make sure the counsellor understands what you have been through.

I don't think it is a case of 'demonising trans women'; a lot of people may say to a woman who had a very bad experience of a man, don't demonise all men etc. but to be honest if you have had a horrible experience it will affect how you feel about that person in particular hugely, but also to some degree how you feel about people who share some those characteristics. So if you go for counselling, you won't be talking about 'all' trans women, or if you were speaking about a man, you wouldn't be talking about 'all' men.

So maybe if you have counselling you don't need to be drawn into speaking about trans women but about the person you were involved with. If that makes sense. But again, I'm not a trans widow and so it may be that the patterns are too hard to avoid noticing!