Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

Omg that video! The perkiness! The excitement! Far out, who is like that? I don't really wear make-up and shopping is not an activity I'd classify as a fun day out. I don't want pink hair either, I'm just a big standard middle aged woman who wants a fella 😕

EastCoastTranswidow I am sorry this all sounds so hard. I'm Assuming you are k the US?

Please be careful you don't lose out in the divorce. I'm glad you gave some support. You-'ve tried hard buy it's not worked out. You can hold your head up high that you are a very caring person but just do not want to be married to this person anymore.

One spoke about their daughters slumber party and how happy they were that the girls asked them to join in.

Ew, good grief, how weird?! I can't believe any adult would hijack their daughter's event. How wildly inappropriate.

I am holding back on hiring an attorney since the minimum retainer fee is 1K. I can file for legal separation on my own, just pay the court fee. When I think of how much money was spent supporting my husband thru his rehab and several months-long unemployment, I really just shake my head.

Some of the family are supportive, and all my friends are. But unfortunately, my brother and his uber religious wife won't talk about it, and just think I need to divorce asap. Its just not that easy....

EastCoast, I'm sorry for what you've been through and for what's ahead. I hope you have good legal counsel and supportive friends and family.

I do think you'll find your life is much better once you're no longer responsible for someone like your husband. I know I certainly did. But it was a rough several years, divorcing and restarting my life in my 50s. Now, though, I'm very glad I did.

One unexpected benefit was that my personal finances are so much better, now that the person with no sense of fiscal responsibility doesn't have access to my money anymore.

Hello all

Thank god I found this site. Its almost 2 years since my world shattered and my husband said he was a woman (in a mans body) and had to transition. Its been a steep learning curve from that day, and unfortunately I will be filing for separation in the next few weeks.
I did not agree to being married to a woman, am not a lesbian and just cannot deal with the constant ups and downs, emotional breakdowns, talk of self harm etc. He knew he was trans when he married me, but I had not a clue. I knew there was something wrong, since our sex life was crap, but I think I was scared to ask what it really meant.

We have now been married 12 years, he/she is british and I am american. No children.

My husband had full bottom surgery in October 2019 and of course, who was there to hold her hand? And now I am having panic attacks at the thought of living alone and starting again at the age of 51 .

I feel like an idiot bc I am very kind and caring to those I love, but I feel
this is taking way too much advantage of my empathy. He has mental health issues; impulsive, depression, inability to keep a job. I supported him for 18 months of being out of work and alcoholism.

Reading this thread has made me realise, there are many women in my shoes. The compulsion to buy even more lingerie and girlie stuff is nuts to me. Has not saved anything for future and she lives in guest room, can't afford to move out. I will have to pay her $ via refinancing mortgage to get her out of the house.

I can't believe I am in this position.

Journaling has helped me a lot.

Rettstar, I agree with Tinsel. Write about one specific event if you think it can help. I struggle with the same thing where my mind just becomes a jumbled mess! Do what you need to do for you and no one else.

Hi Rettstar, I agree with Italian. You are wasting your time arguing with these entitled males. You will never persuade them of the error of their ways as their only concern is to silence us troublesome women. Be kind to yourself and reserve your energies for looking after yourself. Their ignorant beliefs are not your problem and it is not your responsibility to educate them, even if they were willing to listen.

All the best

Rettstar please look after yourself.

You don't need to be responsible to random people on Facebook, friends of friends or even actual friends. It's not your job to convince them that trans women are not actually women.

I tried to write my experience down today with my ex and I found I was unable to commit it and save it.

I am wonering if now because I have accepted that my parents were shit parents, and the trauma counseling has helped me manage my anxiety, if my brain is now pointing to the ex experience and wants me to deal with it.

I am being assessed next counseling session to see if I need more counseling (yes would be the answer) but I also have Uni counseling I use as a back up. I know I am more together, but that's because I've been practicing the self care concept. The news in Australia this week has been horrendous with a woman and her 3 kids murdered by her ex. She experienced DV similar to me, no physical violence, but financial, social, sexual, emotional, psychological abuse / intimidation. So I'm a tad triggered by it all.

I've been on a friend's FB exchanging views with a man who really thinks that my friend is a bigot because she doesn't believe in transwomen being women. She's gender critical. The guy called for evidence which I supplied him, then I told him to google "transwidows" or look on twitter and he'd see there's a host of women who have suffered at the hands of these AGP people. He ignored it all of course.

sigh.

I found that video very sad.

I stumbled onto their Facebook page from that video. It is all about the true woman validating her husband whose now her wife. It’s always about how beautiful “she” is and how happy “she” now is. It’s really like the inmates running the asylum!! It’s true of all these men transitioning later in life though. It’s all about who can validate them.

I will admit I’ve Facebook stalked some of the people my soon to be ex has become friends with. It’s ridiculous what they constantly talk about. One who was upset that a video for work posted online got them nasty comments. I know I’ve gotten nasty comments in my life, but it didn’t ruin me. One spoke about their daughters slumber party and how happy they were that the girls asked them to join in. They wrote how wonderful it was to have a slumber party they never had growing up. Every picture is to be validated in how “beautiful” they are. Do their friends actually believe that or do they just think they are being a good person by validating? One talking about how wonderful heels are to help turn on hard to reach computer buttons. It’s so disturbing and shows a pattern of mental health issues.

I wish we could all just tell the truth of you look like a man in a dress and you look awful! You are not beautiful and never will be! Wearing makeup, heels, dresses and bras are not what makes a woman! I don’t want to be labeled a bad person but I also don’t want to be a liar!

Wow. That video was so cringe worthy. It was ALL about superficial stuff. Anyone who does not see this as a fetish is delusional. Seriously.. I don’t even bother to put on makeup or fix my hair when I can get away with it. That relationship would exhaust me. And isn’t it every woman’s dream to be their husband’s bodyguard in public restrooms? Oh yes! It’s living the dream for sure!

Darn! I really wish I'd stayed for all the make-up and clothes fun! That would make it all worthwhile! After all, that's entirely what it means to be a woman. It's both banal and creepy. It fascinates me how they both refer to their inner and outer selves, being your true self, the wife finding her inner self, yet they are 100% focussed on the superficial, stereotyped, outer stuff. Much as we have found our exs to be. It really is ALL about the clothes and make-up. (Bizarrely the 'wife' looks terribly like Chris Lilley doing 'Jai'me'. I seriously thought it was him.).

Tinsel, it was all about supporting the trans person in your life no matter what. I was in the "friends and family" support breakout group. I remember one dad of a teen girl who wanted to start hormones and how he was in tears, saying repeatedly "I'm not okay with this", and the facilitator basically telling him to get over himself. It was a very toxic environment.

The other main thing I remember was in the initial large group when everyone was introducing themselves, there was maybe one trans person in the room who didn't come across as someone who had additional major mental or emotional health issues. A lot of people who appeared to be on the autism spectrum. Maybe there's something to this, my ex now claims to have had ADHD his whole life.

As for me... I got some kudos for being there to support my spouse ("That's beautiful") but no actual support for me, just for him. That's part of when I started to realize how narcissistic this whole thing really is.

QuinnMovesOn well done for moving on.

Yes, it did feel like there was this expectation that I would stay and be the wife supporting her "brave and stunning" husband through the process of transition. And I did for a while, going to transgender support groups with my spouse and joint counseling "with a transgender focus." I am glad I realized fairly quickly what one-sided asinine bullshit that was.

Can I say (as non-widowand a non-trans widow) that if a partner transitions there is just no need to stay if you don't want to.

Just like ANY other time, you only stay if you want to.

Nowadays no one is falling over themselves to tell married people they should stay together! Except maybe for religious reasons but even then, now, people know that no one has to stay married.

If I said, I am staying in an unhappy marriage even for the sake of my kids, I think friends would question it (as do I if friends say that). And I am what people call 'religious'!

I just think those of you battling this situation are expected to do things no one else is expected to do! And it's good to remember that.

If I said my husband and I wanted different things then I think most of my friends, even my religious friends, would understand.

WifeOfTiresias excellent points about adults being responsible for their own happiness.