Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

Thank you, Quinn. My daughter is 17 so of course she is at that age where she can’t imagine how things impact me as well. She rolls her eyes and says it wasn’t MY relationship so it had nothing to do with me. Yet it affected me more than even I realize, if that makes sense.

Whatcanyoudo, that's why this online support group is so important. Because we need people to talk about this with, for however long we need it. I have too many people in my life who are well-intentioned but don't understand how long it takes to recover from something like this.

Also... I can't talk about this with my daughter because she doesn't want to discuss it anymore and that is okay. I am glad she has moved on. But the experience left some scars with me. I'm not sure it's entirely because he was trans. It's just that I really loved the kid and was good to him. Yet he ridiculed me and spoke badly of me to my daughter and we started to have relationship problems. It really affected me and I find myself afraid to be around her new boyfriend. When she told me he liked me and wanted to come in and talk to me while my she was getting ready, something inside me didn't believe it.

I think maybe this is a mental illness of delusion. I really do. My daughter's ex boyfriend could NOT understand why she was not ready to "line up and join in," as Social said. After he dropped the bombshell, she was very quiet and withdrawn with him while she tried to process it. He was just happy as a lark, finally free of his secret. All was well! He had told her and now they could live happily ever after in this strange alternate reality. He would ask her what was wrong. It just did not occur to him that he created a problem for her!

I still look at some of the trans videos on Youtube and really I just need to stop and move on because no matter how much I try, I'm not going to understand it. But, there is a common thread of delusion with these men. They really, really think they look like women. Granted, some of them do. If they start early enough and are already relatively feminine, some do pass quite well. But those who don't just look ridiculous and everyone in the comments cheers them on. It's like the emperor has no clothes.

Good question Quinn. My ex entirely assumed I would stay. I put that down to his general self-delusion and self-absorption. To get to that point he had convinced himself of all manner of things anyway, over several years. Plus his oblivious disregard for the children and I meant I don't think he spent even a moment trying to imagine how we would feel. We were all extras in his egocentric drama, and given the degree of fantasizing that many of us saw our partners absorbed in, us all gathering round to accept and validate his new fantasy self was just part of the drama. It seems that men doing this focus entirely on their wishes and beliefs, so are quite shocked that the collateral damage don't do what was assumed. I divorced him and my kids shut him out of their lives. Most rational, realistic, loving people could imagine those risks and try to consider the needs of those around them, but I don't think many of our ex-partners showed that capacity for curiosity or empathy. Hence the delusional expectation that we'll all line up and join in.

Is there anyone here whose husband initiated the divorce? I suspect not. I think that's part of this syndrome too, that they expect us to stay even though the marriage is clearly dead. My ex had barely been present in our marriage for years, yet expected support from me while giving nothing in return.

@EastCoastTranswidow, please hang in there. You will get through this. There is a good life for you on the other side of it.

'...a tiny bit of hope.' I would be just as happy if she moved on without finding love but she seems to have which is good, so good for her.

Ps I am not a trans widow so I cannot feel or know your situation. I do have a trans family member who is very dear to me but I don't know your situations. but I do want to offer a tiny bit of hope.

A friend who is in the same boat as some of you had found love again, late in life, and I am over the moon happy for her.

Rettstar re "Today I came across a man who contacted his ex to find out why she broke up with him several years ago.

She cushioned it, she was working and studying, not enough time was able to be spent with him and oh, you're turning into a girl, and I'm not into girls."

You don't need to say but I'm getting the impression this was some sort of group on Facebook and it sounds like the man and the woman were both on it?

If so, I find it really horrible that anyone, male or female, would seek to question an ex boyfriend/girlfriend/partner on a forum/Facebook in front of others. If that is the case it is very selfish.

The only answer that woman owes that man is that she doesn't want to go out with him/live with him/be with him!

We may choose to say why, we might say the truth or a cushioning phrase like 'it's not you, it's me'

But at the end of the day, transitioning/ not transitioning/ thinking about transitioning/ not about transitioning etc etc, these may inform our choices but for me the choice to say why is still with the person who has done the breaking up.

Of course it is good for folks to know why relationships end, but it may be quite complex, and the danger of saying it is because of transitioning might be the partner says 'OK, I won't transition then' but that still will not put things back as they were.

I just find it really horrible that still in the 21st Century women, especially, need to have 'an acceptable' reason for choices they make primarily concerning themselves.

Although they have essentially voided the marriage contract when they declare they are no longer men and our husbands, they continue to believe we should continue to see ourselves as their wives. They declare they are "the same person" at the same time they declare they must become a different person to be themselves.

YES 100%. I was called a liar, that I didn't mean my marriage vows b/c I will not continue a marriage when gender has changed yet, they say they are the same person underneath (so which is it?). And I am meant to stay married to a "woman" who is not sexually attracted to me, and wants to date men? It seems more for her benefit than mine, and I said as much. Its very selfish , and yes, this person has always been selfish, but this is going over a cliff selfish. But she needs my help in every which way, and I am supposed to feel ok about it all, b/c I am a "strong woman", and she is "emotionally fragile" ...its mind boggling sometimes to hear the convoluted bs that she comes up with.

Today I came across a man who contacted his ex to find out why she broke up with him several years ago.

She cushioned it, she was working and studying, not enough time was able to be spent with him and oh, you're turning into a girl, and I'm not into girls.

His subsequent comments were that he felt she was just making up excuses, some blokes responding in the thread said that yeah it must of been her issue. No one picked up on the comment that she made about him wanting to be a girl.

So I asked him directly, are you planning on being a girl, MTF, because the ex literally has told him that was the reason why she broke up with him. He said to me in response that as far as he was concerned he wasn't because he hadn't transitioned yet. So I asked him to clarify, and he said he hadn't transitioned yet, so he wasn't a girl.

So, I explained to him that if he intended to transition, then she had the decency to end it first, to minimise the harm to them both. Not really what I wanted to say, but it's FB, where I live is small, and this community doesn't tolerate GC feminism.

He totally didn't get the fact that just because he hasn't transitioned is irrelevant. No (straight) woman will be in a relationship with someone who wants to be a woman. I hate using the word straight, but I can't phrase it any other way.

" we end up in a position where we have to make a choice, but we didn't choose this in the first place. It is heartbreaking to walk away from a man and a marriage when the rules change, and the whole partnership is based on a lie. "

I believe this is what makes the break up more difficult. Although they have essentially voided the marriage contract when they declare they are no longer men and our husbands, they continue to believe we should continue to see ourselves as their wives. They declare they are "the same person" at the same time they declare they must become a different person to be themselves.

They should have the courage of their convictions. They should understand that for us their new gender status is a deep wound, and realize, as well, that as they are changing the terms of the marriage they should initiate divorce, with a generous settlement. Instead, they make it an issue of "support" and "acceptance," or simply assume from their ramped up feelings of entitlement that we are duty bound to stay with them. They ramp up the guilt and the blame and their own sense of victimhood.

@EastCoastTranswidow

Now filing for legal separation is next step, and I think my anxiety about it is thinking, I would not be doing this if he had not transitioned.

While my story isn't the same as yours, it was my decision to leave because of the abuse I was subjected to before the transition. I'm the same age as you, my experiences were long ago, but I still live with the trauma today.

If you can access counseling, then please do so as this was something I failed to do and my mental health ultimately deteriorated because I put myself last to others. I thought I would be OK, I wasn't.

Your priority is you first, then your child, because if you can't look after yourself, you won't be able to help your child cope with the change either. HUGS - Sending you lots of love and strength.

It seems it 2 steps forward, 3 steps back in trying to extricate ourselves from lives that were entwined with husbands who were lying to themselves and to us
How beautifully-put East.
And yes, we end up in a position where we have to make a choice, but we didn't choose this in the first place. It is heartbreaking to walk away from a man and a marriage when the rules change, and the whole partnership is based on a lie.
I do hope you have some real-life support to get you through this.
Couldn't agree more that it would be great to be able to see each other, share a drink, talk, have a hug (if you're that way inclined), not feel alone with this. But you are not alone; we're here for you.
Good luck with the next step. You need to start to think about what you want, and your own health and sanity.

It seems it 2 steps forward, 3 steps back in trying to extricate ourselves from lives that were entwined with husbands who were lying to themselves and to us. Its taken me months and months to stop being the wife, helping, emotionally soothing and being the caretaker. I finally told him last week, that I am not responsible for his moods or happiness anymore and I am tired of walking on eggshells in case i say the wrong thing. He needs to be a big girl and stop the crying jags, take her anti-depressants and deal. I have to deal with a teenage girl in a 46 yr old body, and I am done with it. Its just too draining.

Now filing for legal separation is next step, and I think my anxiety about it is thinking, I would not be doing this if he had not transitioned. So I am being forced to do this and it hurts. I loved my husband very much, but he's gone. Wish I had support in person like the wonderful ladies here. Going to court to file is going to be truly awful.

Thank you for being here for us.

Thank you. I'm feeling better today. I'm sorry so many women have been through this but it is nice to have a small corner of the world where I can speak openly and be understood. Thank you again.

tears we always want to hear from you so don't ever feel your posts are not interesting or important or valid. Everyone is finding their way through this as best they can. Sounds like identifying what you want, and knowing you want the impossible -this never having happened - is the start of thinking about what you want that is possible. It's a process. It was easy for me as my ex was unambivalent, unapologetic, unmoved by my pain and unwilling to compromise or even wait. So it was relatively easy for me to know I couldn't stay. Your situation is greyer and it sounds like aspects of staying with him are okay day-to-day. So of course you're stuck. Im glad you have counselling and hope it's helpful.

@Toomanytears, please just take care of yourself as best you can. There are no good options here, just whatever you can live with.

BTW, I also went through the "you're lying to yourself and then to me by extension" to just the "yes, you're just lying and you know you're lying." Once he hit that phase, it was much easier for me to make the decision to leave.

Argh! I have been reading and keeping up with everyone but I step back from posting as so many of you seem to have so much more experience and wiser words than I do. I had said what feels like ages ago that I would leave 'D'h in March. I was considering moving that back to May. I find the idea of staying difficult but the idea of leaving almost equally so. He has, to my knowledge, not actively cd in nearly a year but, thanks to the many stories on here, I have always thought that he is is an extended purge period. He says he can/will give it up forever blah, blah, blah and for now it has made life much easier for it to appear I believe him. We haven't had a physical relationship in months and he was asking me about getting it back and he said I shouldn't worry about the CD as it's 'under control'. This made me suspicious and, yes, when I've checked his phone he has been looking at CD stuff. I don't even know why I'm upset. I think it's because previously he was lying that he'd never do it again but tbf I think he believed the lie, now he's just baldly lying. The strain of it all it getting to me. My counselor asked what it is I really want. I want my husband back as he was 12 months ago and for all this shit to not be real. Clearly that is never going to happen though. Day to day we get on fine and I find the thought of us separating heart breaking for the DC but I can't maintain this facade much longer.

My apologies for the rambling. I just needed to put 'pen to paper'. I'm having a bad day and know you'll understand.

Welcome Eastcoast; you're quite right that the experiences of women on these threads are horribly familiar and repetitive.
I hope you can find the energy to get organised and make a plan to get out of this marriage with as much financial security intact as possible.
The worst part is the bombshell, its aftermath, finances and divorce. I promise you that the bit afterwards - being alone and starting again in your 50s - is nothing by comparison. And while daunting,scary and lonely, it is completely liberating to be in charge of your own life, home and finances again. You are still an intact, valuable and competent person; these relationships rob us of our self-esteem, and confidence in our judgement, but you will be fine if you decide to leave. A lot of us have been through it and come out the other side. Keep us posted and we're thinking of you.

That should have read bog standard (though I am kinda big😂😂)