Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

There's this women I used to watch on youtube, her and her ex partner. I kept thinking he may be gay but turned out he wants to be a ''woman''. I have never seen such a narcissistic guy on youtube, now he has his own new channel with another transgender person and he sits there all smug going on and on about himself. I think the woman is in denial, she had him on her channel for the first time in 2 years a few weeks ago and it was obvious he done it to get viewers to come over to his channel! It's so typical. I don't think anyone else watching either channel realises it but I do.

On their old channel, he would pull away from her when she tried to touch or hug him as if he was repulsed by her. He hit her with a nerf gun and a bottle of water. He was often condescending to her. She was always buying him expensive gifts like camera equipment and games consoles and in return she'd get something like a keyring.

I'm sick and tired of men like this being praised for being 'brave and stunning'. They're being praised for the narcissism.

And the ridiculous part of it all, they are simply performing 'feminine' stereotypes that the patriarchy originally set up for us bio females to be like. It makes me laugh but it mostly makes me sick.

Anyway, she is a trans widow and it is very very sad because she has been betrayed.

Travy,

PS: He's not a fantastic father. A father's main obligation is to love, honor, and cherish his children's motherhis wife. Secondarily it's to establish for his children a safe, loving, and stable homewhich necessarily involves the first.

Travy,
I'm 18 months out from divorcing my cross-dressing, trans-declaring ex, two years from moving out. So much of what you describe, from his lack of feeling for and consideration of you, in bed and out, to your sexual frustration and barely-acknowledged aversion to him when he's pretending he's not male (which makes you feel guilty), to your heartfelt desire to "accept" him and keep your marriage intact, is my story as well.

You have no reason to feel guilty about either your actions or your feelings. What you are feeling is normal, and, in fact, at a very deep level you recognize several truths about your husband and your marriage: he is uninterested in being your husband; he is uninterested in fulfilling you sexually while expecting you to fulfill his sexuality; he is a man whose primary object of attraction is not you, but to himself when acting out his wish to impersonate "woman."

That you are here, and that you have realized that this situationI won't call it a "marriage," because in all real respects it isn'tis untenable, is a step forward. You have a lot more steps to take before you are free of him, and getting free of him is your only chance for a normal life. Getting physically away, emotionally detaching, getting legal advice about divorce, seeing a therapist: these are all ways you can help yourself.

I found my husband strange behavior last year after our 2nd baby was born, he went to therapys he said for his addicting of phone cause I always mad he spent to much on phone but later on I found out it's not that kind of therapy but kinda some gender identity therapy.

Whatcanyoudo I'm a mum too, to a teen almost as old as your daughter (I think). So I totally get why you are so concerned for your dd.

But I also am not sure you will get an answer to 'why' some men feel like they are women/want to be womem etc.

From what I see (based on what I believe) it's to do with stereotypes around what it means to be a man or a woman. For some 'gender' dysphoria seems to be actual sex (biological body) dysphoria. For some it's a sexual thrill, but why?

I just hope you can make peace that your daughter has escaped a life of walking on egg shells etc. You'll probably never know exactly why but I hope it won't rob you of peace now.

Welcome Daneronan. Welcome Travy.

I'm not an actual trans widow but they let me pop on here and read the amazing stories of strength and achievement.

I do also have a tra s family member (young person born female) and friends - trans woman and wife, so i try to read here to understand more.

Just wanted to say what Tinsel said was totally right IMHO. The question is how long is this OK for you. I really think that's a better qurstion than why, IMHO.

That's fascinating, Tinsel.

I wish all of you the best and hope you find comfort here!

I'm so glad you women are here (everyone on this board!) and am so sorry for the horror your are going through. I have found myself in the anger stage again. I don't think I've read one post in which someone did not love her husband. My daughter loved her boyfriend, dearly. I just want to know why. WHY? Why would you do this to another person? I greatly fear this happening to her again and it's probably irrational but I can't seem to help it. I used to tell my girls not to date anyone in the theatres they are involved in because so many of these men are gay and haven't admitted it to themselves yet. Before all of this, I had never heard of manly AGP men and would never dream that a "real man" would ever do something like this.

@Travy007

Hey hun, glad you are here. There's so much support, in this group, love, empathy. You're not alone. Whatever decision you make, must be for you and your children and not him.

Secondly, didn't know what pegging was, googled, now I do. So I can now at that to the list of things I was made to do by my ex.

What you describe is similar except that my ex at no point, told me he was transgendered. Sex was something I did to keep him from being angry with him, I felt I was a masturbation tool.

You need counseling, not just to deal with what is happening right now, but how you are more than likely traumatised you'll need help to work through it.

@Daneronan2

This is a safe space to share your experiences, I am sure you've read the various posts. We do know what you're going through. There's no judgement, just love and acceptance. You're not wrong, you know what's going on, don't be gaslit

And hello Travy. Your sounds an awful situation and very familiar to other stories here.
Lots of women have struggled to set boundaries around this kind of behaviour, as many of us have been desperate to keep the marriage together at all costs, and to make our partners happy.
Trouble is, you're becoming more distressed and miserable.
I note that you left him previously which must have taken guts, and given him a clear message about your limits.
The recurring 'creep' of these behaviours is also very common here; and many women are turned off by sex with a man in women's underwear (I concluded I was more likely to become a lesbian than sleep with my husband dressed as a 'woman').
You certainly could start by setting some boundaries about day-to-day behaviour (for example, if he was an alcoholic, you would eventually set some agreements/limits) such as the memes.
What do you want? It doesn't sound as if he is going to change, and you may have to decide whether to stay with a cross-dresser, who might do this privately and not as part of your sex life (with the obvious negative effect on your sex life), and doesn't involve you in it as it is too distressing. Or you leave again.
Many of us left because we could not tolerate the behaviour and did not believe it would change.
If you stay, it needs to be with some sort of agreement between you about behaviour and boundaries, I imagine.
Could you go to counselling alone or together?
You face a difficult decision but it sounds as if these are your choices. We are here.

Welcome Daneronan; it sounds as if you have only recently found out about this. Many of us found the discovery devastating and shocking. You will probably need to take some time to work out what you want to do. Do you want to stay? Does he want to transition? How do you feel about it? You will find support here.

I don't know if this is the correct forum to post to, and if it isn't, please let me know where I should go.

I am married to my husband of 12 years, we have 2 kids together.

I met him when he was 15, I was 14. We started dating seriously when we were 17/16.

I learned about his crossdressing slowly. I found out that he enjoyed wearing panties. I was a little surprised, but ok with it, and it was included in our sex life.

He revealed more feminine sides of himself, as time went on, but nothing "extreme".

I asked him once, before we got married, if he was gay. (I now understand that most crossdresser aren't.) He assured me he was straight.

After marriage, the crossdressing escalated. He got into the "pink fog" I guess. He started wearing lingerie and full outfits sometimes.

A handful of times I helped him dress up, did his makeup, nails, he put a wig and heels. I taped him dancing to music etc. I wanted to badly to accept him for who he is. But the truth is I felt sick to my stomach. Like I didn't even know who he was. And fundamentally turned off.

Things continued to escalate sexually. Wearing panties during sex wasn't so bad. But what was, was the boredom on his face unless we were including his crossdressing or feminine persona.

Unless I was on top, with his legs spread, and me grinding on him, taking dirty referring to him as a girl, he just wouldn't be into it.

Beyond being a complete turn off for me, and having to "muscle" through it. It also hurt. I wanted to be desired during sex, as a woman. And not just used as a prop for his identity fantasy.

I should have said something more....but I wanted to be accepting....I wanted to make him happy. And I'm not good at setting sexual boundaries, partly due to being abused as a child. I think some of these experiences triggered past trauma as well.

The feeling of being a prop intensified when pegging was introduced....especially watching him get so much enjoyment out of performing fellacio on a literal prop, that wasn't even really part of me. It made me feel sick. And completely inadequate.

I would cry afterward sometimes. He has admitted now that he knew this at the time. And just didn't want to face it.

A couple years ago I left him for about 4 months. During that time he purged everything. And said he was done. (I know better than that, I know it can't be wished away)

After getting beck together, over the last coupe of years, it's been creeping back in. Cause I want to say yes...I want accept him for him....but then it strikes a nerve again, and I backtrack, which isn't fair to him either.

We've kept it separate from sex. But I feel like I'm just not attracted to him at all.... And maybe it's all the femininity? I'm naturally attracted, very strongly, to masculinity, and though he tries, that just isn't him. Having sex with him feels like going through the motions, which I'm sure he can sense. And I'm sure that hurts.

In the past he swore up and down that he couldn't possibly be attracted to men, which he now admits that he was fooling himself, and is in fact bi. He also tells me that he doesn't feel that he's transgender (and even if he was I don't think he'd dare to transition --his family and many of his friends are not the accepting kind). But he spends a lot of his spare time looking at transgender before and afters. Maybe just to "get a fix", ya know? But I worry about what else he is fooling himself about. It's what he mostly talks about. He sends me memes about it all day....has he not noticed that I don't respond?

He said to me today that he thinks his sex drive is higher than mine. He has no idea....how incredibly sexually repressed I feel. How often I look at porn when he's gone. I told him that the stuff he sends me turns me off. He looked like that hurt him. And he didn't say anything else....

I don't want to be the wife that doesn't even let her CDing husband talk to her about it. But everytime he does lately....I start crying. I have feelings of resentment.

I find myself looking at other men a lot. I feel trapped, and incredibly lonely. These feelings add massive guilt on top of it all.

I fantasize about divorce, and it makes me feel like a shitty person. He's a good husband otherwise. He's a fantastic father. I love him in so many ways....but not sexually.

I simply don't know where to go from here. I'm not going to do anything stupid like cheat, or leave for another guy that I barely know. I don't want to hurt my kids....But I feel like I can't go on like this.

I read a story today about a young gay man, who was raised in Mormonism, finely being able to be attracted to who he was naturally attracted to, without guilt. This made me burst into uncontrollable sobs. I feel like it's all coming to a head.

Thanks for the long read. Any advice would be extremely appreciated.

Hi everyone...greeting from USA. Unfortunately I have similar problem with my marriage now when I found out my husband secret about his gender dysphoria that he try to hiding from me

I just wanted to say again how brave you women are and how sorry I am you have had to live through these hard things.

Walked, I am so sorry for these losses in your life!

This young man was also paranoid and secretly tapes conversations. There just has to be a connection. Maybe one day the medical and psychological professions will figure this out and people will receive real help but for now it seems the world is happy to play along in the delusion. I don't see that changing any time soon, if ever.

on the delusion aspect of the trans thing

My father was bipolar and paranoid. He had delusions that he was under surveillance, that there were people inside the house and following him everywhere. Eventually he killed himself.

Twenty years later, my ex began to exhibit behavior and to say things that reminded me of nothing so much as my father when he was in the grip of his own delusions.

There were times I wondered if I was the crazy one, because I couldn't believe that I was experiencing the same kind of thing twice in one lifetime.

There's a woman in my local women's support group whose spouse has recently "come out" as trans. He's your typical middle aged AGP: STEM degree, long career, military background, long marriage and lots of kids, porn addiction apparently and now at 52 he's Tiffany. Everyone is falling all over themselves to congratulate them and to fawn over the person - complimenting the wig, the makeup, the dresses etc and I just feel weird about it. They've now invited Tiffany to the group and I, with my trans widow background, am extremely uncomfortable. And it's sad because I've known these women and their kids for 13 years! They don't know the history of my divorce though. (If they did, they'd probably call me transphobic for not supporting my then "wife".)

That could be the case, Tinsel. And I'm still shaken by the fact that what we both saw as reality and truth for a year and a half was a lie the entire time. It makes me question whether it can happen again.