Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

These are the most valuable and important threads in the whole of FWR.

Every transwidow (and future transwidow) is inspirational. You are the ones who are stunning and brave, not your AGP exhusbands.

Complex PTSD is what people who have been trapped in a damaging situation over a long term suffer. It's not a sudden event like with PTSD, it's years of abuse by someone who should care for you like a parent or partner and feeling trapped in it. Emotional flashbacks or personality change (like feeling numb or joyless in my case) are common. EMDR or "tapping" have been shown to be helpful.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/complex-ptsd/

Support from me too. Always. These threads are incredibly important.

Funny you should mention EMDR.

I raised the possibility with a locum GP once.

Apparently EMDR is "for people with proper PTSD, like veterans."

Naturally, I didn't put in a complaint. I just tried to hold the tears back until I'd left the doctor's office, and made no further attempts to get help with the fact that my head was filling itself with horrible images all the damned time.

And feel free to pry because it gets me talking and I probably need to!

Delurking to offer support. You are all amazing. 💐

Another lurker here who came across this thread when trying to get my head round the transition of a sibling. Love and respect to all of you. I am so glad I heard the women’s voices and not just the (men’s) trans narrative. My eyes have been opened. I find it strange that the NHS official line is that transgenderism is nothing to do with sexuality or transvestitism and only to do with gender identity (not wifework though!) when these stories suggest otherwise.

Tyrotoxicity I really don't want to pry but can I say one mire thing... it sounds like you are dealing with it in your own way. I do hope you will find the help you need to process trauma. I've not experienced EDMR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessin) but heard it is good and available on the NHS.

Italian we never married. Thank god for that at least!

I've managed to establish sufficient boundaries and distance these days that the current situation works alright without massively messing my head up. But there's probably a degree of denial in there on my part, because a) the child we share means total disengagement isn't going to be a possibility for a good few years yet and b) I've got far too many traumas to process already right now without acknowledging another.

Tyrotoxicity I am so sorry your husband would encourage you to do anything sexually that would trigger memories of abuse. I really hope you will find a way to be free of any behaviour from him or activity that is detrimental to your mental or bodily health.

Support and love to all our trans widows sisters who need and use this vital thread.

Although it's not my husband who has transitioned, reading your experiences and learning from your wisdom helps me enormously.

Thank you for the replies to you all

On them being dominated during sex - he tries to say he's just naturally submissive, but it's actually bollocks. Because he doesn't submit to what I want to do, he'll only gleefully submit to being told to do shit that he wants to do.

Like, for all he said he wants me to be strong and in control, the sort of sex I'd actually like to have just hasn't been on the table. Because the sort of sex I'd like to have involves two equals treating each other respectfully and having their emotional as well as physical needs catered to. Never did find a way of getting him to join me in that. So who was really dominating?

Oh, and there is one particular sexual boundary that he pushes despite me saying I'm not tremendously keen but giving it a go anyway and reiterating afterwards that it really did nothing for me. Naturally this particular boundary relates to the abuse I suffered in childhood, and he knows I find it triggering. Again, who is really dominating here?

Tinsel can I just say, I like your bluntness? It can be hard to hear, but it isn't really harsh. It's just a testament to how far down this road you've been forced to travel, and just how many scales have fallen from your eyes. It's clear that you're a decent woman who's seen and experienced far too much crap and isn't going to take it any more. It is inspiring!

Another one de-lurking briefly to express support & respect.

{de-lurking to express respect}

Also, I have a relative who lost her husband to cancer around the same time a family friend’s husband “came out” as trans.

As awful as it was, she had much support and intact happy memories - unlike her friend. She (an actual widow) has no issue at all with “trans widow.” To me it shows just how selfish some of the fragile petals are, to get the vapours over the term.

I wouldn’t normally comment here but just wanted to show my support, you are all the best.

{re-lurking}

@Terfnserf

"When your husbands start to transition and wish to be viewed as women, do they insist on taking over the more traditional women's roles, like child care, elder care, generally all the things you were doing as his wife. I know that sounds a bit sexist but women do generally do the heavy lifting in those areas still."

Aw hell no. My ex did less of everything. He did nothing, really, except lay around and cry and try on clothes. Oh and later scour the internet for things to be offended by. Quit his job, quit housework, quit hobbies, quit adulting.

In fact it seems some of them have an idea that ladying means being too delicate and sad to do anything. That, and being dominated during sex. Because you know, that's what women are for.

No male gaze or sexism to see here tho.

Thanks you for these threads, this is the first time I've had any support. Ex is an AGP, not planning to transition and not out so people still don't know about that side of him.

Thank you Tinsel for the new thread.

Yes my ex also lives in an absolute shithole and DCs refuse to visit it. He has never done any traditionally feminine domestic or birthday, Christmas organisation etc. He washes his clothes of course, because the frilly, pretty lady things he wears are central to his identity.

(Leading on from the last thread) - the name he chose was what he knew I would have called my eldest son if he'd been a girl. He has also taken up all the same causes and voluntary stuff I've always done, that previously he'd sneared about. A very kind friend said "well, if there's any way to try to be positive about it, you showed him what it is to be a good woman." In other words, he has tried to become me.

Long time lurker (but only just actually joined) I just wanted to thank you for sharing your experiences and to say you are heard

What you are describing seems worse then bereavement. We lost my dad when I was a teenager my mum was devastated BUT

• she still had the memory of the happy relationship the person was gone but that remained
• widowhood (secondary to bereavement) has an accepted social role and people rally by to offer support nobody expect the bereaved to celebrate
• widows are entitled to certain financial support

It seems trans widows go through this terrible pain of loss but without the closure and support that bereavement brings

delurking not deluding!

Not going to intrude further, just wanted to let you all know how much I support you and this valuable space

TinselAngel you are too kind. Xx

As you know I am not a trans widow but we do have trans people in wider family and friends. I am very much passionate about every one being happy. I hate that anyone is stuck in an unhappy marriage, for any reason.

Strength to all of you fabulous trans widows.

Autogynephilia is only about the self of the man ... and his sexual fantasy about being a woman as a sexual being.

Such men do not see womanhood as anything other than as a sexual relationship to them as a man. [See Trans Pornography.]

Autogynephilia is all about sexual power relationships .. it is not about any aspects of domestic life management.

Just deluding to say hello to all. You all deserve to be happy. Xxxxx

He doesn't remember his own mother's birthday, let alone my mother's.

When invitations to birthday parties started happening, it didn't occur to him that I might not automatically take on all responsibility for rsvping, choosing and purchasing and wrapping a gift, and actually taking our daughter to parties.

He was a bit stunned at the lecture that followed. We made a deal - if it's soft play he does it, otherwise I do. We'll probably have to revisit this in a few years when her peers are outgrowing soft play, but so far he's stuck to it. Whether this is because he acknowledged my many eloquent points or because he knows damned well he'll get an even longer and swearier lecture on his responsibilities as a parent and a human being if he doesn't do it properly, I wouldn't like to say.

As for whether he'd stick to equitable sharing of birthday party parenting responsibilities if and when he takes that final step and flips from "lol ofc it's a fetish" to "look at me I'm stunning and brave" - my hopes are not high, based on what I've seen here.

At least for now I get to privately celebrate whenever a soft play invitation comes home, because it means DD gets to do the whole birthday party thing and I don't have to do anything.

Other parents have commented on how good he is. I always take the opportunity to chat about how I point blank refuse to take on all the shitwork and if he wants me to co-operate in him being part of our daughter's life then he has to parent properly.