Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

AloneLonelyLoner please see the bit on the thread about 2 pages back about Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) which is available for PTSD on the NHS.

@Italiangreyhound thank you so much. I have had various therapy but all of it relating to my self-harm and eating disorder. All brought about by his behaviour certainly. I've never really told anyone what he did to me. He was arrested and charged countless times. He never did prison time.

AloneLonelyLoner I am so very sorry for all you have been through. Are you gerting counselling for this trauna? Did you report your ex for his violence? Please get whatever help you need.

You do not need to fight the corner of trans people. Sometimes you have enough going on in your own corner.

@socialworker222 I'm really grateful for your words. Thank you.

I've been thinking a lot about this all day. I have had a bit of a wake up call in that, I am not entirely sure that my trans friends are as innocent as I always tried to believe of them (I always struggled with this because of the obvious), so as you said above, I'm not sure I can carry on.

I'm just not buying their victimhood anymore. I'm just not. I have one trans man friend and there is no victimhood there. He is a strong person who is now living as he sees best and won't even enter the fray so to speak. The trans woman I know? It's just a hellish shit show and I'm starting to realise that it's all a way of having the women who surround him undertake heavy emotional labour on his behalf and disappear in his wake. It's really disturbing.

My ex was just a psycho (anyone who takes a broken bottle to someone's vagina can't be anything else surely), but his act now? Not so different from the other ones I've seen. It's like I've woken up from some fever dream to realise that all the bad shot was real and everyone is in on it. Like I'm being gaslighted, like we all are, on a massive scale.

Sorry, it should read 'people who do this ARE f*ed up'

Hi Alone, welcome, you are among friends. These threads have saved the sanity and eased the distress of many women, me included.
I've concluded that a lot of people who do this fed up, my ex included (major daddy issues, being teased for perhaps being gay by daddy etc). They remain fed up, damaged, disordered people before and after transition, but afterwards of course benefit from and exploit current political thinking on the trans ideology, to continue to behave in fd-up and abusive ways, but with loud applause all round. The MN threads on men dressed in nappies/little girls' dresses at Pride, note the increased forced 'acceptance' of these behaviours, when in fact in my view they are just fed up people carrying on doing what they always do.
You may find it helpful to have trans friends who behave reasonably, as it could help you separate your ex's entirely unacceptable behaviour, from the 'trans' part.... everyone is different.
I find every trans 'thing' that comes up in the media or real life a new poke, to set me off feeling bad, and affected, regarding my ex. I know my kids do, and their social media world is just awash with the 'stunning and brave' narrative which makes their 'pokes' very distressing.
But I'm sorry you've had such a terrible time; there is a way through and out and the previous suggestion of counselling totally saved me.

@TemporaryPermanent this is a very astute comment and this has been my experience also.

I think a lot of people don't realise the fine line between dominant and submissive behaviour.
In BDSM terms, in a healthy BDSM relationship the submissive actually holds all the cards, which is fine in a healthy BDSM relationship, but... I think this carries through in many ways to non-healthy, abusive non-BDSM relationships where the sub is the man, but it's a cynical and often wicked manipulation of the feelings of the woman in the relationship.

Sorry delurking as not core member of this thread (my xh had started to transition before he met me but had detrans almost immediately). I do have a comment though about submissiveness in sex and i entirely agree. I had some experiences with dominant men and some experiences with submissive men close together in time. In terms of me getting sexual things i liked and wanted, the two were remarkably similar.

There are trans people (generally who have been so for a very long time and aren't offended by being called transsexual) who are very concerned about the abuse and violence towards women by these men in late middle age who are suddenly "women". Miranda Yardley for instance.

@Tyrotoxicity you are right. This is the only reasonable way to look at it otherwise I'm guessing (and this is how it feels) we become victims all over again.

I refuse to do this.

Alone the trouble is, the world in general is full of abusive woman-haters. Trans ideology gives them carte blanche to indulge their abusive woman-hating while telling them they're the victim rather than the abuser. You can see how it would appeal to someone with that sort of mindset.

Are "trans people in general" giving any shits whatsoever about you and your experiences? If the answer is no, then I'd say you're not obliged to feel guilty about developing a healthy degree of scepticism towards the entire concept.

Thank you so much for your kind welcome. I feel so happy to have been welcomed here. It really has made me smile.
I had no idea that the current trans wave was so full of abusive woman-haters (because this is how it seems). I just thought 'mine' was the only one.

I try really hard to not let it colour my viewpoint of trans people in general but damn it's hard work and some days I just can't give a flying eff about it.

AloneLonelyLoner, welcome. And yes, all of this is a mind f@ck. It's taken me a lot of journaling time and support groups and therapy to even start to get past it. I wish you well.

My ex is also homophobic; he is more worried about being labelled 'gay' than anything else.

Hi Alone - you are not alone here.

My ex was the most abusive, misogynistic, gay hating, liar you could imagine. He called gay people "the fucking gay mafia taking over the media" and had multiple affairs. Now he's the poster girl for the LGBT community and attempting to become an parliamentary candidate on all women shortlists.

It's very distressing to see them become this protected "stunning and brave heroine" when we know the reality. I remain hopeful the mask will slip and it'll all be exposed eventually. After all they are the same people they always were.

AloneLonelyLoner and welcome.

Totally get you on the 'my head exploded' - I was there a week ago with a rapey ex. All you can think is "wtaf???"

You don't have to come to terms with who he says he is, though. You know what he is already. And, as a friend of mine said to me the other day: You rape us, you don't get to be us. So fuck him and his identity.

Alone lonely
We are here for you.
returns to live in the cupboard under the stairs

AloneLonelyLoner, de-lurking to show my support too.

Not a bad introduction, a real one.

AloneLonelyLoner that must be so difficult. So very hard for you. No wonder you are so upset. It's fine to feel hatred and anger towards a man who abused you.

Have you had some counselling to help you get your head straight. If you read back to the start if this thread some other women have described counselling that has helped.

I am not a trabs widow but I lurk and, having read others stories, I know you are not alone.

Hello All

Can I post in here please, I was directed this way by aFeminist Sister in another thread. My ex-husband is now living as a woman, but he wasn't transitioning as such when I was with him. He was just (for me at the time) a woman-hating, emotionally abusive rapist and would-be murderer. When I found out that he was living as a woman my head exploded.

He has abused my most very female parts for years. He had tried to destroy me and now here is is living as a woman. Oh and of course he's a lesbian. So he's aiming to be with women and no doubt hurt them.

He is the most sick and twisted person I ever met.
I have now transgender friends which I have tried to have in my life as I hate the fact I was and maybe stilll am so full of anger and hate, but I can't tell
Them why and I'm not sure I can come to terms with the fact that my ex is who he is because I feel it's all a front. My head is a mess. I'm sorry.

What a bad introduction to me.
Sorry.

Maybe as Woman and Home did that article someone may do a TV documentary about this.

On them being dominated during sex - he tries to say he's just naturally submissive, but it's actually bollocks. Because he doesn't submit to what I want to do, he'll only gleefully submit to being told to do shit that he wants to do.

Ain't that the truth. My ex went on and on about how he wanted to be dominated and how I needed to be in charge, but then when I said what I wanted he'd look uncomfortable and try to veer into his own thing or refuse. I once wanted something simple like spontaneous sex in the shower (sorry for the TMI!) and he told me sex is a dry activity so that one was out.

(Of course I later realized he couldn't very well be "dressed" in the shower, so where's the fun?)

Im willing to bet Woman and Home received more than two letters/e mails about it.

To all on these threads

Welcome!

TinselAngel

You're lovely x