Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

SocialWorker - I get that I really do. This is the most painful thing that's happened to me - I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and 3 1/2 years ago I was really very ill. I'm well now but I still cannot face another relationship.

Good advice Alone. There is a scandalous failure to think about and help the women and children adversely affected by this. That's why we exist.

Thanks for both these @TinselAngel

@Toomanytears I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. Count those days.

What did women like us have before the internet. Sure social media has given these men voice, but it has brought us together.

Your husband things everything is ok, which I think makes the narcissism point really well. It's all about him. I know with my ex, it was like 'if he didn't see it. It didn't happen.' He would tell me the grass was blue and totally expect me to believe it and not believing it was offensive in the extreme. For me his transitioning is part of his 'it's all about me'. Your husband sounds like it's all about him.
You'll have your time. And he won't count. I'm sorry for the misery right now. We understand.

BeMoreMagdalen I hear ya!

Righteous anger. It's totally his fault, selfishness and cowardice. Ditto for me. I married a self-absorbed coward who did me and my kids great wrong, without apology. I'd love to say the anger goes but I'm still angry and in a state of chronic disbelief much of the time. Best to accept it, it's real, and underneath lies hurt and sadness often. Anger galvanizes and keeps us going. It's just how it is. I hate it too but trust it will fade in time. Like much of life it is profoundly unfair that this happened to you, without your knowledge or invitation. Maybe you can use yr anger to drive change, escape, start again. This is a long road but you're not on your own. Sorry if this soundsctrite. It's the most painful thing that's ever happened to me.

Thank you for all your replies. I knew you would understand

miricles no, I'm pretty sure that he is so deluded that he actually thinks we have a long and happy future together

Social yes, as any mother feels, my dc are amazing and I love them more than I could ever express. However, I could have had wonderful dc with someone who wouldn't blow my life up and leave me considering single Parenthood. I wanted my children to be raised by 2 parents who love each other and enjoy living together but clearly that won't be happening and I'm angry that it won't and it's ALL his fault.

The lost years in my case... Well I got my wonderful kids, which helps

@Toomanytears I am totally with you on this. The DC have no idea what is going on, other than Dad can get irrationally angry at times, and I have snapped about nothing. There is nothing between me and Him now, think he must feel this too, I don't see why he can't. He has an appointment next week, so we will see what happens there. I just carry on, but it's getting harder and at some point the DC are going to have to find out. Side note - do you remember when we used to put DH (Darling Husband) ????? No more for that one!

TooMany, I also had a hard time dealing with my anger. It is not my normal state of emotions but I was treated so poorly, anger was the only correct response. Writing in a journal and a good therapist helped me a lot.

As for the lost 20 years, I can paraphrase a friend of mine... "Better 20 than 21 or 22..."

Bumping this brilliant thread because I am determined that transwidows should have more of a priority in the thread listing than a man who overshadows his own transwidow and prevents her being centred in a movement which should be for her, not him.

And a salute and much love to you all.

TooMany that sounds really tough in so many ways. The anger is so hard to cope with; absolutely you have a right to feel angry that he stole 20 years/lied/puts you in a position of having to cope alone. It's how you feel, and it's valid, and you need to try to put it somewhere while you cope with day-to-day life. And yes, I think we've all felt our kids suffered during the secret bit, where you're having to pretend it's Business As Usual; I remember sitting eating at the table with them unable to swallow my food because I was so upset, but having to pretend I was fine. Or my daughter finding me in tears and having to pretend I'd bashed my elbow.
This will pass. It's such a hard period for you; you have to 'see' it and play 'normal', and carry on functioning. I don't know how we've all managed it, but we do and you will. Women have tremendous, astounding strength. I hope you can stay focussed on everyday survival/good-enough mothering, self-care. And that you have the energy to do some planning, financial/housing etc. Do you have other 'real' people who know your situation and your longer-term plan? Either way of course we're here!
Lots of us have survived this, having been through varying lengths of time having to live alongside the person, the anger, the pain. You will get out in the end if you decide to, and life will be better. And crucially you will be more free.
I'll be thinking of you as we all will; keep checking in won't you?

It sounds so lonely, Toomany. The one person you ought to have been able to talk to is the one person you need to be able to talk about and can't.

Have you got any constructive outlets for your anger at least? (because keeping it all inside - as you've seen with DC - means it pops out in unexpected places. I've been there!)

I reckon you'll find it a lot easier to cope with how you feel and what he's done and the constant bubbling anger once you're out. Having the space to breathe and think without him there will make a big difference. Hang in there, only six months to go.

"It's taken me 40 odd years to realise that the question should not be "Does he mean it/ can he help it?"
The question should be "Is this how I want to live my life?" And that if the answer is "no", even if you feel sorry for him, you get the fuck out and live your own life, your own way."

THIS!!! I just need to pick up the courage.

Hello, I wanted to check back in. I keep reading this thread but have had nothing to add. 'D'h is struggling with depression, anxiety and OCD. I, as mentioned up thread by a few pp, am sure that he is absolutely sure that he is working to overcome his need to CD but I've read enough to realise he'd be a modern miracle if he succeeded!

For reasons I'm not going to cover, I will be staying in this marriage for another 6 months. I had originally said 12 and I'm half way there. I feel permanently angry and I'm struggling to deal with it. I don't think the DC have been particularly affected as I'm trying very hard to make sure they are not, but I know their summer holidays probably haven't been as good as previous ones and I have definitely, irrationally, lost my temper a few times. I just can't cope with the idea that he has lied to me and 'stolen' 20 years. I'm angry that I will have to bring the children up by myself. There's lots of things I'm angry about.

He doesn't know that I'm leaving. He thinks I'm here as a loving and supportive wife. He talks about our future, when the DC have left home and we can go away together and it's just awful. I don't want any of this. I'm sorry. I'm just having a shit time right now, with no one I can really talk to and I knew you lovely ladies would understand.

Blimey Alone that 'Discard Phase' in the article really resonates for women used by men to have the wife and kids, before late transitioning. The description of being used, and of the total loss of interest... As the focus stays resolutely on themselves. The needing to preen and be seen and be more important and priority than the wife or kids... Late-transitioning men all the way. Hideous. I guess the author isn't out of the woods yet but I do wonder how long it takes to get over...

Your behaviour will have been conditioned in response to his, though. The bits of yourself that worry you, were they an issue before him? Have they been since, or with other people?

It sounds a bit like what I was saying about mine earlier (yesterday?). There are aspects of the way I've treated him and spoken to him that I'm not proud of - but it's been in response to his intractable behaviour. I'm not like that with anyone else.

Anyway, I confess my instinctive thought when you said you were worried, Alone, was "but that would mean two narcs in a relationship together and surely this would result in an explosion that would take out half the solar system?" Which is probably better expressed as: if you actually were a narcissist he probably wouldn't have wanted to be with you in the first place because it'd make you harder to dominate.

Thanks @Tyrotoxicity and @TinselAngel , I did wonder this. Would I be asking myself these questions if I had all the crazy narcissistic traits to essentially make it 'all about me' I was reading an article on Medium about a woman married to a narc. Now my ex was very clearly a narc, a transitioning asshole of a narc. Which is basically narc def con 1 or something, but the more I read the more I worried that in some way I had started being similar. Hard to explain. I need to think more. Ponder. Here's the article.....

blog.usejournal.com/i-was-married-to-a-narcissist-for-12-years-and-i-had-no-idea-3398b7b15c45

I'm with Tinsel on this one, "am I a narcissist?" is clearly a catch-22 type thing. The fact of your worrying is evidence you're probably not.

I'm not an expert but so far as I understand it, narcissism involves various normal human traits, ramped up to eleven, to devastating effect. Much more likely is you've just got the self-awareness to recognise those normal-level traits in yourself. Which is a good thing; too many people in the world are terrible at it.

I salute you @BoudiccaMarley and word vomit and thoughts and all solidarity is an amazing thing thank you @Tyrotoxicity , @TinselAngel .

I've been quietly sobbing at work. Reading articles and then wondering whether I'm a narcissist and then remembering that no, I'm not. Being here help.

I joined Spinster last week, but haven't posted.

Ah - yeah, I used to have endless shit like that with ex. Not related to sex or dressing or anything, just general day to day house and life stuff. Couldn't tolerate it. Managed it to a degree by being exceptionally blunt, which led to some improvement in problem areas, but the awareness that I would have to keep doing this forever was soul-destroying.

Ended up not so much couldn't tolerate as wouldn't tolerate. He could so easily interpret just how forthright and uncompromising I was forced to be as abusive. I hated having to treat another human being like that, but nothing else had worked, nothing I said or did seemed to get through to him that he needed to actually change his behaviour. And believe me, I tried all sorts of constructive communication.

Eventually realised that his behaviour, which he seemingly couldn't change, had pushed me into a corner where my only choice was between taking on a dominating and controlling role for life, or kicking him out to demonstrate that I wasn't kidding when I said there was a limit to how long I'd put up with his inadequate attempts to be a decent human being.

He was so surprised when I finally told him to gtfo. I'm afraid my response to that was pretty blunt too.