Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

Hi. I am glad I found this site because there is not a lot out there for dissenters. My daughter (17) had her heart broken this summer when her bf told her he is a woman inside. He is 18. They were together for a year. I feel like we really dodged a bullet here, but the damage was done nonetheless. He just could not understand how she was not on board with the news. He told her nothing was changing. He was the same person she has known. All of the stuff I read here. She felt deceived and could not get past that so she broke it off. I started to learn everything I could about trans issues. I think he might be an AGP, but I am confused and was hoping someone can shed some light. He is not masculine. In fact, people thought he was gay and were surprised when he became my daughter's boyfriend. He does not seem to fit the physical profile of AGP, yet there are things my dd shared with me that have led me to believe he is indeed that. Yesterday she saw a social media post on a friend's account and he was wearing leggings. It felt like a second betrayal to her because he told her he still planned to present as a male. He is also not "out of the closet" so she has not told anyone but I am pretty sure it is going to be clear soon. Thanks, everyone.

Whatever you are able to do or not do right now Older, we're rooting for you. Hope you can do one good thing for yourself this week.

Delurking to reply to Oldermum. I read They throw their things on the floor and their dishes in the sink and I wash them and pick up after them, cook their meals and put the leftovers in the fridge...

And I wondered WTF you are doing all that.

Then I got an insight. Your son is only 23. Was there a time when he was a kid when he needed so much emotional and practical support that you learned to accept life as a relentless slog? That you had no choice but to put your head down and trudge uphill in heavy mud?

If so, it's time to raise your head and look around at the changed landscape. Your son is an adult. You don't have to do all this. In fact you really shouldn't. What did their last servant die of?

I may be way off beam, but this happened to me - continuing to mother an adult child out of well-meaning habit - which did neither of us any good.

Class analysis is what they're missing. It's not just biology that we share; it's the way we're treated because of it too.

Oldermum there's got to be some alternative between being homeless and your current hellish predicament, surely? If you go on as you are things will only get worse.

Frances I'm picturing your brother complaining that no one will vanish him to the menstruation hut. It's not a flattering image.

I am here. Currently he is on the "transwomen hopefully getting donated uteri implanted someday so they can have babies" nonsense.

RE: the "women are different everywhere", he uses that against us, as they all do, to say he just has a "different sort of girlhood" than we did. There's no winning with these people.

My alone time is when he's at work. Often he chooses to work from home and I basically lose my mind on those days.

I have no family or friends with any money at all and I'm not going to be homeless again.

Agree. Is a break possible? It is possible to meet and tell one friend what's going on? To phone a helpline? To find a counsellor? To make sure you do one thing every day for yourself?
Small steps, but vital.
Good luck, friend.

Sweetheart, everything you've written is a litany of isolation - your son in his room, your husband in his fantasy, you in your role of chief drudge.

Am I right they're both on the autism spectrum? Apologies if I've misread. But whatever their situations, it's unlikely they can, want to, or will change.

So maybe time to remember the saying 'grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can - and the wisdom to know the difference.'

The element you can change is you.

Is there anywhere you can go? To get away? Friends, relatives, a refuge, or a nice B&B for a few days?

And is there anyone professional you can talk to? Your doctor, a therapist?

Do you have a network, a women's group you trust and can meet face to face?

It's incredibly hard. But your physical and emotional health deserve change.

I'm so sorry to hear how bad you're feeling. You're very isolated in this; in fact there are so many people who would not call you the monster in your house, and would regard your situation as intolerable, not your fault, and completely unfair on you. You just don't have them around you. But this can't and won't be your life for ever. I hope you can consider really good self-care for starters. You have given these two men so much of your time and energy. Do you think at some point you will say 'Enough'? Even if not now, trying to work out your needs and wants is a good starting-point. I hope you can hang on to some hope there. Life sounds so hard.

Hi all,
I haven't got much to say.
I treid talking with spouse again, I know some people here have said I shouldn't but I have no one to talk to all day long. It's like banging my head on a brick wall. He seems like he is being reasonable about it up to a point then gets to this thing where he refuses to admit there is any difference between transwomen and actual women at all, and no reason women ought to have their own spaces, ever, at all, under any circumstances, not from self IDed "transwomen", or legally transitioned transgender women, or srs transsexual women. He refuses to admit there could be any difference in life experience between a man who lived as a man until 30 and then transitioned and a woman. "But not all women's experiences are the same, some black women would disagree with you about that if you were to insist on that!" Just this same old tired argument again. I am erased, I don't exist. "No difference" why who could tell? Except literally everyone.

Anyway I've just taken refuge back in my eating disorder since I"m surrounded by brave and stunning transwomen who all of our friends accept as full women, and I'm the asshole who keeps using male pronouns for the son I gave birth to, who sulks all day long and stays locked in his room playing video games in between his college classes just like every other sulky spoiled young man. They buy pretty clothes for themselves and fix themselves up, I clean the house and drink coffee all day to fill my aching, empty stomach. They throw their things on the floor and their dishes in the sink and I wash them and pick up after them, cook their meals and put the leftovers in the fridge and don't eat them. Who cares anyway, I'm the monster in the house. They'll all cheer when I'm dead.

He sounds an appallingly useless father. I'm glad you have friends who see it and agree.

It shouldn't be an issue, so it isn't, so shut up and allow your feelings to be dictated to you - this is shit parenting regardless of trans issues. My dad always did it to me; it's incredibly damaging.

'Toxic melodrama' is a bloody good description of the shit DBro went through with his ex too. It seems to be an inevitable descriptor when a parent transitions.

Two things.
It emerged later that he had spent years secretly researching and posing as a woman online. I think he was completely delusional, believing himself to be a woman. He didn't regard himself as trans. He was a woman! He had no interest in or concern for anyone else. The bubble. Your not giving a shit.
Secondly he had bided his time until trans exploded (Jenner), when it would be best for him (sod the ages of the kids etc) so told himself and me that the kids wouldn't have a problem with it. Because you shouldn't! So you won't! He had no worry, curiosity or sense of responsibility for his kids' feelings or wellbeing. So putting your daughter to sleep in a room full of 'sexy' clothing, or with a dressing table packed with make-up.... it shouldn't be an issue! So it isn't!
Hence you don't need to explain, prepare, talk, explore how they feel, or do any of the things any good parent knows you need to do to help kids deal with shock, change, loss, or situations that are difficult. Your dad 'being a woman' isn't any of those things! It's no big deal! It's only a problem if your Mum doesn't accept it!
Really extraordinary.
He didn't say one word to his kids at any time, about his transition or their feelings.
Even more jaw-dropping given his professional background.
Hence I and many of our friends regard him as a useless, unfit parent. My compassion has been reserved entirely for my kids as they deal with the terrible aftermath.
A trans activists on Twitter called the notion of transwidows 'toxic melodrama'... That actually describes what my kids' father put them through in pursuit of 'finding himself'.
I mean, really?

It's the human rights of children too, that I'm thinking of at the moment.

We're supposed to have the right, as adults, to a healthy sex life. This is made very very difficult when you're repeatedly exposed to inappropriately sexual things as a child. And exposure to one's own father's fetish is inappropriately sexual regardless of how old you are; but to witness it as your first introduction to adult male sexuality? There's a fair likelihood of that messing you up a bit, sexually speaking, for a long time.

social I wonder, did he just not give a shit about exposing the kids to inappropriately sexual accoutrements that distressed them, or did he think it wasn't inappropriate? I will never understand what goes through men's heads.

Agree Tyro. One of the things my kids reported finding most upsetting was all the clothing, make up etc. around their father's home. Despite agreeing to keep this private, he didn't, and my kids recall him having these items all over the place including in the rooms they slept in, which they found very disturbing and upsetting. This is not about politics. It's about respecting and attending to the needs and feelings of children.

@socialworker222 and @WomensRightsAreControversial - thanks for your replies.

I am still wending my way through the escape committee sections and the Always thing is a new one.

I will be back. I have so much horrendous experience of this appalling nightmare and I'm finding it very therapeutic (but concerning) how many women there are suffering this thing.

There is SO much work to do to protect our own world while dealing with very disturbed ex husbands!

(That doesn't mean I agree with always - in fact ive just switched brands because I don't. However I think they missed a trick by not just changing the packaging and not confirming to anybody why. They change design frequently anyway, and they could have just sidestepped it.

@Gettingoutofthetransnightmare I don't think they think they are catering for trans women. I think they think they are including trans men, aka natal women.

Mine still only dresses privately, but even that was too much for me, from the protecting-my-kid angle, cos the clothes don't just pop out of existence when they're not being worn. And how the hell do you explain to a small child what all these frilly knickers - clearly designed for women and clearly far too small for my arse - are doing in the house? When it becomes apparent that they're daddy's, what then? How's a little girl supposed to deal with that? With the growing knowledge that they're not just pants, they're the accoutrements of a fetish?

Buggered if I was sticking around to put DD through that.

firead sounds like you are wisely biding your time in very difficult circumstances. You're absolutely right, when this all comes out it will show people what you have been dealing with. I get the feeling things are much worse for women in the US than here in the UK; you have our solidarity and respect. This will end, and you will be okay, but it's hard going. Keep us posted