Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

Interesting Rett to see more insensitive and harmful trashing of female relatives. If someone can't see that it's not transphobia to be badly affected by a father or stepfather transitioning, that shows an enormous empathy gap. And the stepdad-in-a- teddy VF article is very conveniently sidestepped...

So familiar, Rett. There's a reason alternative lived experience is silenced and vilified. It''s interesting to me that Jenner continues to be so victimy/blaming and unempathic. It suggests the wonder of transition hasn't really made life 100% wonderful. No thought on consequences, no acceptance that you can't control how other people feel. It interests me that my ex is still a pompous, uncooperative and arrogant asshole in his behaviour and communications with me. If he was 100% joyous in his new life, you think he'd be less uptight about stuff and more compassionate (I certainly feel 'nicer' when I'm happy). These individuals mess up other people's lives and expect absolutely no negative consequences.

And today, Caitlyn trashtalks her stepdaughter Khloe on TV. Essentially re-writing history implying that Khloe stopped talking to her due to being trans when in had to do with the Vanity Fair article that was talked about in that clip we've seen and the book that was written.

@socialworker222 - I started in a forum to support partners / former partners of transitioners (both MTF and FTM) and ultimately, there was only two of us at the time who had left our exes. The women in relationships at the time (2005) were routinely verbally abused by their partners and hormones were used as an excuse.

Many threads were derailed with comments about "whataboutmeisms" and what I noticed was female partners of transitioning MTF were abused routinely online more, than women who were with female partners transitioning to male. This thread is a wonder. I don't feel out of place here.

I had friends who told me that I only loved the gender not the person, but as I said to my friends "An asshole is still an asshole, regardless of gender". My ex was a hero in many people's eyes for being "brave". All I could think about, was how miserable he made me.

It's lovely to see and meet people who have experienced something similar to me.

Agree Quinn, this is bereavement where the lost person is still walking around in clacky heels.
Rett, really like the 'grief in a box' image; it so describes the surge back into it, which I for example feel when I come face-to-face with my ex in the street. I feel completely derailed and distressed. But it lasts a shorter time each time and you bounce back more readily.
I felt as if I couldn't breathe, all the time, for months during the experience. It's hugely physical; I really didn't feel my lungs could open wide enough. My sleep was terrible for around two years.

tea you are quite right; self-care is the most important thing. Keeping your focus on what's important (your health, kids, finances, job) and trying to allow yourself not to worry that this isn't passing quickly enough, or life isn't all in place yet. My counsellor would wryly note that not only did I feel terrible, but I spent a lot of time beating myself up about how I 'shouldn't ' feel terrible (I still feel I shouldn't feel distress/pain/grief/rage after several years). Nobody wrote a rule book for this experience; it's really isolating and shocking. And I didn't know anyone had written a poem like that, how moving.

Start good to hear from you. Re. the double life, my ex did things like dress as a woman with the kids, then get up the next day as a man to take them to his parents. Really mind-blowing for them. I suspect the only way these men manage to run the double life is to the exclusion of everything else, hence the 'bubble', the lack of regard for others, the single-mindedness. You won't be able to change him, or ever perhaps understand why he is as he is and does what he does. At some point accepting you will never know, and can't do anything about it, is actually liberating, although bewildering and paralyzing at first.

You are all wonderful. I'm so glad people are popping up.

Hi everyone, so good to hear from you all. OMG Caitlyn Jenner is so unempathic, takes no responsibility, is so aggressive and 'male' in their dialogue. Playing the victim, no interest in her feelings. So ironic he labels her the 'martyr'! It's quite extraordinary. The lack of insight into the impact on others. Kris is so reasoned and courteous. And mentions 'missing Bruce'. The arrogance and selfishness is quite incredible on C's part. And horribly familiar. My ex has never apologized to me or my kids for how he behaved, and saw absolutely no problem in just doing what he wanted, without any regard for others.

All the Caitlyn Jenner stuff is hard for me to watch. It's all the same bullshit. "If you were more accepting of me, we could have stayed together." My ex did that to me too. Until I finally lost my temper and told him what a shitty husband he had been and that he deserved nothing more from me, ever.

@TinselAngel

I saw this a few years ago and until then, didn't really care for Kris Jenner. But, Caitlyn said and did things that were really triggering for me and made me realise that Kris probably was going through the same things we have. I experienced empathy for her and understood her pain. From what I've seen since then, there's been considerable re-writing of history by Caitlyn about her marriage, and I experienced that with my Ex.

Watching that clip today made me a bit angry but, it's a great illustration of the grief that wives go through and the selfishness displayed by MTF transitioners.

Tea, regarding trauma and complex grief... I was diagnosed with and am being treated for complex grief. I was dealing with so much at one time. Complex grief is all about too many things at once so you can't untangle and resolve any of these things on your own. I also think it's a likely outcome for many transwidows.

I'm doing better overall. But there's still a lot of grief. I'm dealing better with the paradox of missing the man I married while wanting nothing to ever do with the person he has become.

@mostlydrinkstea

This is grief yes, it's one of the worst things you can go through and it's so hard. Someone described grief to me as the "grief in a box" concept after I had one of the worst miscarriages I had ever experienced. That the box is the same size and grief is a large ball that touches the sides a lot.

The grief ball then gets smaller and doesn't always touch the sides of the box as often, but when it does, the whole feeling comes back. As time goes on, I have found this is true. When I think about the loss I experienced in 2015, the acute pain is RIGHT there, but it goes away again, but it will always be there.

This feeling in the chest sounds like grief. When my husband left (I'm not a trans widow) the sharpest pain was the grief for the life I expected to lead and now would not. Elderly couples walking hand in hand would reduce me to tears. The pain in my chest was so sharp I had it checked out as it might have been a heart attack but it wasn't.

I'm a year in and still grieving. I am nowhere near forgiveness but knowing that denial, bargaining, anger and depression are all part of this experience helps me be kind to myself.

Trans widows, from what I have read here, are experiencing trauma and complex grief. Not only that but their voices are silenced as they don't fit the dominant narrative of stunning and brave. Be kind to yourselves sisters.

@TinselAngel

Thanks... I'm looking at a few options at the moment as far as therapy goes. EMDR has been suggested to me by a friend and I'll talk to my therapist early in the new year.

A diagnosis to be honest would mean I could possibly have to reveal it in job applications. When I graduate I'll be an ancient lady and don't wish to add any more barriers to employment other than my age. Given that positions I am eligible for are government funded, I would need to reveal certain conditions according to legislation, so.. nothing in writing for me.

I can get through this, my GP, an amazing woman, told me that I am a survivor to get this far with my sanity intact and she loves the fact I am getting help.

I honestly thought I would be smashed for saying what I did in my last paragraph for my first post, but it's nice to see that's not the case. I am worried about my friends who are allies as am I, but I have a line.

I have a good friend who is transitioning MTF, but before she started, she's undergone extensive genetic counseling and counseling and she's intersex. She was a beautiful human being before transitioning and she's not changed during transition either. She's the same person.

There's still a lot I don't understand, but what I do know, is my experience seems pretty typical for women who have had partners transition and there needs to be more support for us out there.

Tinsel I'm not a transwidow, just a well-wisher who lurks from time to time. Always with huge sympathy and respect.

Found this poem today and thought you wonderful women would appreciate it if you've not seen it (although pretty sure at least one of you has):
www.google.com/amp/s/genius.com/amp/Carol-ann-duffy-from-mrs-tiresias-annotated

I found this thread from twitter, thanks to someone who DM'd it to me.

I was in a relationship from age 20 - 31 with an abusive man.
I was gaslit, isolated, physically intimidated, sexually abused, emotionally abuse, financially abused.
I ate so much food in the end I was 170kg to stop him from touching me and using me as his masturbation tool.
I left him in 2004 and he confirmed a few weeks after that he was transitioning from MTF and the reason why he was the way he was with me was because he was jealous that I was female.
I am now experiencing flashbacks of things he did to me when we were together and I've been married for 9 years.
My counselor last year told me I would benefit from a diagnosis of CPTSD but I don't need a diagnosis.
I finally have had a breakdown nearly 15 years after I left my Ex.
I nearly left my husband because I was so angry with everything, but we've managed to get into marriage counseling and we're trying really hard to reconnect.
I have a 2 yr old, that literally only exists because she implanted in a place where my uterus that wasn't damaged from the years of abuse I endured from my Ex.
I'm 46. I am confused and upset about my life and how it's currently FUBARd and yet I know I will get through this because I have got through other disasters in my life.
My parents are both narcissists and my sister is one too, so I have very low contact with them and no family support so I am trying to build a support system around me.

I also don't believe mature TW are women. They don't have the same lived experiences we do, they impersonate women, or attempt to emulate, but they haven't had our life experiences. They had a benefit of male privilege and entitlement that means women or their spouses are expected to give way to their new lives and say nothing if shit goes down.

I'm not a TERF, I'm not CIS. I am me.

I know I only said a week ago that I want to leave and that I won't right now because Christmas and young DC but I'm finding it all a bit much. I have a new counselor that I've seen once so far but they have got me thinking. I have a massive ache in my chest everytime I actually stop and think about my situation. For my own health I need to forgive dh for what he's done. I feel like I'm asking myself to do the impossible but the only way it's going to stop killing me is if it's no longer part of me. To do that I need to forgive and let go. Does anyone have the slightest clue how I do that?

I think I'm finding it so hard as I'm absolutely devastated at the idea of telling my dcs that their parents are separating. The time for that to happen is coming soon. For months I've been waiting to leave, to have a new start but now it's nearly here I am just so very sad.

Wife thank you, your words have given me something to think about. You say your children are leaving him to start new lives now, could this be your time to make a new life too? I know life can be amazing and I want to experience that again. You have so much more of it left to live, find something great in it again.

You've got the right idea, Start - focusing on your children. Someone has to, after all!

I suspect one reason mine is still viewing himself simply as a man with a fetish is he's seen how very damaging a transitioning parent can be to a child. I'm thankful every day that the trans parent in our family detransitioned, but the psychological impact will last a lifetime.

Really appreciate your replies
To all the wives still in it, please consider your mental health as these demented human species will devastate your life if you let them.
Releasing them from your life is the only answer.
Trying to keep strong for the sake of my children.
Really appreciate this thread @TinselAngel Its so important to us 'Transwidows'

Hear, hear, Tinsel nd Wife - very wise words!

Start I know it's easier said than done though.

Hi @StartAgainat60.

Don't waste any headspace on trying to understand what is going on in his head. It's not your problem. He's an adult, he makes his own decisions and deals with the consequences of them.

Honestly, you need to distance yourself from his ridiculous drama. You will never understand why he has done this and you shouldn't waste any energy trying. Concentrate all your energies on looking after yourself. He is not your responsibility.

The relief when you disengage is immense.