Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

I believe your DS is an adult @WalkedAway ?

So absolutely no reason to keep the truth from him. Your ex is just trying to avoid the truth making him look bad and possibly deliberately trying to damage your relationship with your son.

Don't go along with it, tell your DS the whole truth, he deserves it and your loyalty should be to him. Bollocks to your ex, he has forfeited any rights to consideration by you

@GinnyLane
Thanks for your caring support. One of the insidious effects of living with a husband who decides he's transgendered and begins acting out a stereotype of woman is the toll it takes on one's own sense of oneself as a woman. The pressure exerted by my husband to push me into an expression of gender that suits his was subtle, and began even before he had declared to me that for three years he'd been "exploring whether [he] could be transgendered" (his words when disclosing his belief to me). So there is an effect of the "lies forced onto [one]," and shedding them and refinding/redefining myself is one of the challenges I have faced in the nearly twenty-one months since I left.

As for my son's perceptions: as long as I feel I cannot be fully honest with my son, my relationship with him is in my estimation compromised. This at the least makes me feel as if I am in hiding, and hiding something from him, and that creates a distance between us, in that I feel shame at feels like a deliberate deception because I am consciously withholding vital information from him.

Wondering what if anything my son knows or guesses eats at me, because I don't know what he might think of me if he does know.

@WalkedAway

Not a transwidow, but I found the original thread while processing my feelings following certain revelations. I can't say I understand your situation, but the above words re: your DS made me cry. You are you, his loving mother; not the lies told by your husband, not the life forced on you, not the shame that currently shrouds you. Whatever or however he thinks as he processes the separation, I guarantee - he will still see you.

I will revert to lurking, and simply wishing over the internet all the very best to you, and anyone struggling.

My thoughts are with the ex of that particular one. Maybe she's on here!

Hmm doesn't sound legit though. I mean very rare for NPD to actually be diagnosed in the first place (not that the disorder is rare). Even rarer for people to self identify as having it.

Then again I guess lots of trans people have to go to therapy before transition though, so maybe that's where it was being spotted...?

It wouldn't particularly surprise me, knowing how rife it actually is in society and the extremes narcissists go to though.

Pinkbonbon, the estimate I read some years ago was 80% of males who cross dress and/or identify as women are co-morbid with NPD.

Interesting to hear about those who's husbands have taken on their identity: eg stealing their baby names, taking on their volunteer jobs ect...when becoming trans.To me, this smacks of a narcissists MO tbh: They don't have an identity so they steal fragments from others. Especially the wife who is their closest competition.
Sounds like in these particular cases: they are pretending to be trans in order to find further areas to 'win' against their partner.

Makes me wonder how much of the 'trans' community is actually made up if cluster b's, trying further to imitate and take down their partners. Of course, there could be trans-men in this category too.

My female narcissist friend took on my hobbies, took on my likes and dislikes, flirted with anyone I liked and even cut and styled her hair like me before I finally cottoned on and ran. So that's what came to mind from some of these posts.

It's an insult yo their partners and people who are genuinely trans, that these bullies are allowed to manipulate in this way.

I had to walk away from the trans inclusive mum who fathers children.
They were waving more red flags than a North Korean parade.

I would hug you all if I could.

To ask where the trans inclusive mums are at? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3774048-To-ask-where-the-trans-inclusive-mums

Interesting case study of the lesser spotted self obsessed late transitioned narcissist

Thank you tinsel angel and coldwatershock. I’ve been here for a while. Discovered in 2014, started divorce in 2016, divorced in 2018 and now just waiting for the last part of the court order to be completed by ex (who has caused delays at every step of the way). Kids were all just into teens when we started. Now coming out the other end of teenage years, all with a very strong view that their father has a mental illness.

Just to show it's me...

Sorry, using the wrong name here. It's socialworker222. Duh.

Welcome Figure. I certainly found my people here and hope you do too. Sounds like you've been through this for some time. How are you doing now?
Tinsel that's really hard. I hope you have a plan for the day (perhaps involving intoxicating substances? ).
Re. Christmasses Past, my first after my ex left was absolutely terrible. He came to see the children for a couple of hours and spent most of the time on his phone. It was entirely out-of-character, teenage and bewildering to my teenagers. He then went off to his double life. I stood in the kitchen on my own and quietly wept as I imagine so many women do in so many different Christmasses for so many different reasons.
I'm hoping your daughter's okay What and that the show isn't/didn't cause more problems.
Wondering if your ex is still ill Quinn, and hope you're okay Older... there are a lot of us and I wish we could all give each other a hug, or share a drink, at this time of year.
One thing that helped me a lot was to tackle Christmas by changing it. I tried to get from Christmas being 'the same but with a big hole in it/someone missing', to something new. And of course greatly lower my expectations of it, and myself, because women particularly have so much pressure and stuff to do. It helped that I had teenagers, as Christmas kind of changes anyway as the years go on, so the contrast was less stark that Dad had gone (literally and literally). I hope whatever you're all doing, you're okay, and I'll certainly be thinking of everyone.
I'm lucky enough to be free, and now genuinely glad my ex is out of our lives, and even starting to feel that 'don't care' feeling I hoped for. You can't generate that, I think it's the passage of time, talking, help, all that, that got me here.
Hang on in there completely wonderful women. It does get better.

Hi trans widow world. I am a trans widow and I am so happy to find you. I feel like I’ve been on my own with this thing for the last 5 years but I think I may have found my people? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a lot of support from friends but no one understands really what it feels like. So hopefully I’m in the right place. PS I might get all my gender pronouns mixed up but it is not intentional (most of the time). I’m just confused.

@socialworker222

I did something different this year, I sent Christmas cards for the first time. I'm trying to create something new, rather than keep repeating my inaction or behaviours of the past.

I also have a good counselor. I'm not so sure if she's understanding of the kids thing, I described my experience to her, her reaction was horror. Mind you, it was pretty horrific when you think about it. Totally triggering for me and really created an understanding about why I reacted in such a strong way.

My grief due to the reduced infertility has eased somewhat, I think because now I have a reason for the lack of children, it wasn't just my fault or my body's fault. Someone did something horrendous to me. Years of angst and grief - just slowly melting away.

Understanding that my parents really did contribute to my mental health problems, walking into a relationship with an abusive man, being unable to communicate my need for help. There's anger and resentment. I'm angry that I was the one to blame when my sister didn't do her chores, or hit me, or misbehaved because I'm the older child and therefore should parent her. Did you know, I only take care of people I really love? I only have ever loved 2 men. My husband and my best friend. I can't do enough for them, or my child, or my best friend's children.

My Christmas I hope, this year is going to be great. For the first time, I don't feel angst or fear. I put up a Christmas tree for my little girl, first time I've done that. I think this year, I might be unencumbered, but we'll see. I usually end up hating Christmas =D

It really is. Counselling is great if you find the right person... Good luck. That's really tough.
I've been wondering as I write Christmas cards, and approach the holidays always feeling a bit fragile as a single parent, how everyone out there is doing? I found the first Christmas very hard, and some of you will be playing happy families while you hide how you feel. Hope you've all got support ( or lots of booze ).

I had another moment a couple of days ago.

I noted in a previous post that damage done to me by my ex contributed to the inability of my uterus to have a successful implant. I lost count of the amount of times I'd get to 5/6 weeks and then I'd have a super heavy period with massive clots.

The birth of my rainbow baby was not easy. I was admitted into hospital in week 38 to be induced. My blood pressure had gone up extremely quickly and given my age, it was felt I should be induced. There started a pretty terrible 24 hours.

I endured a balloon catheter, hormone gel, amniotic sac being broken, however it wasn't done properly the first time, so they did it again, then syntocin, 5 rounds. I had so many pelvic exams I lost count. Multiple doctors and midwives - while polite inserted their hands in and out.

I didn't require pain meds while I was in labour, but I did when they put the balloon catheter in, that took then about 6 attempts and it was a midwife that managed it as the doctor didn't do it properly the first 5 attempts.

Each contraction was joyful for me, as I suffer anxiety attacks, I do breathing exercises, so I was perfectly able to manage and to be honest, didn't feel the pain except when I wasn't prepared. As the day wore on, I needed an epidural as my blood pressure went up again and my girl's heart rate was dropping with each round of syntocin. Lower and lower. Unfortunately, they couldn't stop the contractions and I had to deal with getting an epidural put in while having contractions and it took 2 attempts for that to work.

Then I had to have an emergency CS. My labour failed, my girl was acynclitic. I felt nothing, I could barely breathe, I kept talking to the anaesthetist because I figured if I couldn't feel myself breathing, but I knew that when talking, breathing is included, that I would be not focused on taking breaths.

The next day, I asked my husband to help me in the shower and he asked if it would not be better for a nurse to help. It triggered a meltdown in the room and I wasn't loud, but I was pretty insistent I did not want any other human being to touch me at all. Ever.

Now, how does this relate - I've been in counseling for 2 months and each time I talk to the counselor, a few days later, things start to appear. The abuse I endured at the hands of my ex, resulted in my uterus being damaged. My best friend is a doctor and had read a report 6 months ago. The medical report was done when I had my last D&C in 2015 and had asked me at the time if I had been in a car accident. When I told my best friend what happened to me at the hands of my ex, my friend got really angry. I didn't understand why, until they said that my ex had pretty much gutted me and the damage reported meant that it was unlikely that I could bear children. This was why my doctor had freaked out and told me no exercise at all except slow walking until I had the baby.

So, something else to talk about with my counselor when I see them next. Because now I understand that the birth was so traumatic for me because of what my ex did. It's something I have been stuck thinking on for a few days and it really sucks. Thanks ladies for listening.