Engagement rings

I don't have an engagement ring and wear my.wedding ring on my left hand

DH and I were happily married right up to his death. Neither of us had a wedding ring or an engagement ring.
As a feminist, I always saw them as marks of ownership, and as a doctor I saw the horrific de-gloving injuries (stripping all the skin and muscle off the finger, requiring amputation) that occurred when a ring got snagged.
The worst one I remember was a lorry driver who jumped down from his high cab, and his ring caught on the door, shredding his finger.
I don’t like any jewellery, I’m really not into personal adornment or fashion, and I shudder at the thought of the bacterial soup living under rings on the women who regard it as unlucky to ever remove them!

“One of my colleagues bought his wife shares instead of a ring”

I have no interest in marriage but if I did, that’s the kind of man I’d like. Brilliant!

BiologyIsReal your post has really touched me, thank you. It reminds me of my grandparents and the weight of meaning and memory attached to their wedding rings and watch. All the significant wedding jewellery passed down through the family, in fact. It may well be a construct of a patriarchal society, but that comes secondary to Larkin’s “what remains of us is love”, for me, at any rate.

@NonnyMouse1337 your post has really made me think. If honestly never thought about my rings in this way before. I guess these things are so embedded in our cultures and society that we just don’t see them.
Saying that, I love my rings and wear them to show I’m married. The circle symbolises eternal love and I do feel I’ve married my soul mate and am proud to ‘belong’ to the family unit we’ve created. I like the feeling of belonging - not in a possessive/oppressive way but in an ‘I’ve found my people’ kind of way. I don’t care if other people see my rings or not - they’re not fancy or expensive, they’re just mine and make me happy and remind me I’m loved.

I am a second wave feminist who married a man who was the strongest feminist ally you could have. I was never 'owned' or felt an appendage.

I had an engagement ring. I bought my partner a gold watch.

It marked the day we became a team and we remained a team until he died a few months ago after 52 years of marriage.

Neither of us wore them every day after we married but we both wore them occasionally;

Strangely, now I wear my engagement ring every day. It means more to me than ever. I also have had his watch altered and wear that every day too. I know you don't 'need' these things to remember a loved one, but objects do prompt memories and every day when I put on his watch or my ring I smile because it reminds me of a very special day and a very special person.

No one is more feminist than me - I was a front line fighter for women's liberation in the 60s and 70s and he had my back the whole time.

But as I have become the "little old lady" that is the subject of another thread on FWR I have found some things are more important to me than making a feminist statement.

Had one first time around, left it behind when we split. Never had one second time around but went for a sparkly wedding ring (quite like an eternity ring). An engagement ring seemed very unimportant when I met the right man.

OP, couldn’t you just have an engagement and wedding ring 2-in-1 then? You’d get it for your engagement and then re-use when you exchange the vows.

I didn't have an engagement ring, though not for any ideological reason. I just don't like rings with stones in them, the feel bothers me. We both had smooth, gold wedding rings though, which we wore with pride.

I have one. We got engaged in a snowy country hotel one Christmas when we were just into our 20s. So it was traditionally romantic. I never felt like he ‘owned’ me, but I remember at the time thinking it was a bit unequal, as there was no equivalent for him. I had previously bought him an item of jewellery he wears all the time though, as it meant something to both of us so I suppose that evens it up.
We bought each other wedding rings, and that’s fine, we both wear them and they match. It’s a declaration of marriage and the point at which we decided to commit to each other, not of ownership in any way.
My fingers are fatter now so the engagement ring languishes in a drawer. It’s gold with a diamond so not something I would wear every day anyway.

You could both have engagement rings. That's what we did
DH felt excited, as did I, to be planning to get married and wearing a ring encourages conversation with people about your forthcoming ceremony/life. He found it very strange but in a good way, having never worn jewellery before. If only the woman wears a ring I would find it strange and vaguely patriarchal, so I can’t understand why both parties would not wear rings.

Plus who doesn't want a pretty gift...
And therein lies the problem, said DH when I read the post to him
I really like my engagement ring and wear it all the time. I’ve never felt ‘owned’ and neither has DH who wears his wedding ring religiously. We found the concept of marriage romantic but did do away with some of the patriarchal traditions, eg we walked down the aisle together.

And diamonds are ideal for engagement rings - they’re colourless and the most durable of all stones so ideal for everyday wear and go with any outfit.

I also see the point of getting something relatively expensive if you intend to wear it for the rest of your life. It needs to be sufficient quality to feel better than a Birthday or Christmas gift.

'Engagement rings is women only though. I dunno, because it's mostly women demanding them. Men have to give an engagement ring, or it's not "proper" in women's eyes.'

Loads of men mentioned on the thread have had engagement rings though.

Women demanding is interesting phrasing. Mostly a man buys a ring for the woman because that's the done thing, surely. No deeper than that.

Engagement rings is women only though. I dunno, because it's mostly women demanding them. Men have to give an engagement ring, or it's not "proper" in women's eyes.

I dunno, that sounds a bit hostile to women who want to be courted. I didn't, personally, but I've often thought since that I was a mug. If even fucking spiders can get up the wherewithal to court a female, why shouldn't a human female expect it? She'll be the one growing his children and probably looking after them until adulthood. Child-bearing and rearing is a very heavy investment in resources and emotion for women, why think that it's a male's automatic right to reproduce? Things have got very skewed.

Not rtft

DH wanted an engagement ring as well so I got him one.

We are married now, I rarely wear my rings, he always wears his.

Do what you feel comfortable with.

Of course marriage is awful patriarchal thing but, well. We get by in society as we can and none of us are 'perfect feminists'.

It's not as if the ring goes through your nose and you're pulled along by a rope through it!

I don't think "taken" equals "ownership".
DH wears a wedding ring which marks him out as taken, but neither of us consider him owned, or vice versa.
Engagement rings is women only though. I dunno, because it's mostly women demanding them. Men have to give an engagement ring, or it's not "proper" in women's eyes.

I never had an engagement ring. Not really practical if they have a stone and without one its like a wedding ring anyway.

@Yeahsurewhatever
I do have a wedding ring, as does Dh, but as I said in my earlier post, no engagement ring or even engagemenyreally. At the time, a few eyebrows were raised among friends and Dh 'S family - almost 40 years ago we were definitely a bit 'unusual' in our decision not to do a formal engagement. My family just accepted it was how we wanted to do things, but then the women in my family were definitely not trend followers themselves. I think my family would have been more shocked (disappointed even) if I had announced we were doing things more traditionally, to be honest.

We both got each other engagement rings and I love them. I also love the message that it sends to others that we are both taken and committed to each other. I love marriage, commitment and fidelity. I also love my DH. Best thing I ever did. Realise it's not like that for everyone though.

I have the standard diamond ring, and I bought my husband a watch. We both love them & wear them all the time.

But when I was young and living in Paris I used to wear my mother's engagement ring from her first marriage on my ring finger as a way of deflecting the very persistent French men. And even now in my more advanced years, rings on the wedding finger are useful for deflecting men at eg hotels around the world when I'm travelling on business. As I noticed on the occasion when they were in for servicing and I had a naked finger.

I just can't be doing with being chatted up all the time. It's wearing. I'm just a normal middle aged mum but randy men on business trips seem to think that anyone having a drink on her own in a bar must be up for it. So I find symbolic jewellery a signal that is very useful. It doesn't put them all off, but it puts a large chunk of them off.

I'm not married and doubt I ever will through choice but I've known since I was a teenager that I'd never have an engagement ring Even if I did for all the reasons you have noted @Yeahsurewhatever.

Not to judge those that do like wearing them, each to his own. But stick to your guns and don't feel bad explaining to others your decision.