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Original poster

Go on then - PMDD

87 replies

CuriousaboutSamphire · 25/07/2019 17:53

What do you think it is?

Yet again on this forum I am finding myself defending myself and my past actions from self righteous posters who won't even begin to listen, to try to understand.

Apparently the fact that overnight, back when I was in my mid 20s, my whole character changed and I went from being an outgoing, sociable woman to an angry, wailing banshee that had a very hard time not hitting out, and occasionally failed miserably, means I am an abuser and it was a choice I made!

That my DH (bf as he was then) was so worried at the sudden change in me that he spent 2 years trying to talk me into seeing my GP.. and then another.. and then another... to see what the hell was wrong with me (he feared a brain tumour). He, and I, were told by everyone that I was 'just hormonal' or ot was 'that time of the month'. I was not. I was in the grip of a fucking awful dysphoria that I could not control, could not see out of, could not undertsand.

So... I tell you honestly... during the day at work and in the few social situations I coud be persuaded to go to I could just about hold it together. Being in public meant I acted according to social rules and mores. But at home, when I relaxed and shed that public face I could easily get lost in a haze of fury with very little notice and no control. Anything could trigger it, anything!

Then there would be a period of utter calm, I would be my usual slf, my period would start and then, for a week or so, all would be well.

The thord GP we saw spent a lot of time explaining what my endocrine system seemed to be doing to me... we discussed a range of interventions and started with changing my contraception. 48 hours later I felt the difference, physically and mentally. A week later and it was ALL GONE and has never returned.

So... did I make a choice to abuse my partner or did I have a physical disorder that changed me, ;leaving me with very little control, i f any at times?

I want to point out that this was just MY CASE as many women have very different symptoms including suicide ideation.

Please do share if this rings a bell with you... it is a shit condition to expreince and only made worse by posters telling me that I "got away with it" and am an abuser and should own it!

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 26/07/2019 13:31

@CuriousaboutSamphire

You aren't having a discussion though. You aren't addressing any of the points raised by those who disagree with you.

Original poster
CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/07/2019 13:28

OK. That's a loud and clear message. No discussion...

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 26/07/2019 13:28

You also told other people to "fuck off" on that thread. But that's OK, apparently. You kept on about PMDD even though there was no suggestion the OP (who had had an identical posting two months previously) suffers from this (indeed, there is evidence she also financially abuses her partner).

Original poster
CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/07/2019 13:26

Pardon? That's the point. Other pps said they hadn't heard of it... I didn't think it would be out if place to discuss why so many women refuse point blank to engage in a conversation about it and choose, instead, to simply judge, condemn and berate.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 26/07/2019 13:24

I reiterated that I was not defending the OP on that thread but trying to explain some often misunderstood aspects of PMDD

Yes, and you were rightfully called out as an apologist. Like the other poster said, being an apologist is part of the problem. She was raped by her dh, who said it was because of his own mental health - do you side with him too? That he could stop himself raping strangers, but it was ok because it was his wife? Are you now going to say that they are two completely different things? Your logic is flawed. That is the whole point of the other thread, that she (and you) are able to contain it with "outsiders", but unleash hell to your loved ones at home. It's not ok. Offering excuses for why people abuse is not ok. Seeking help is right - but for people who have been abused, it's sickening to hear apologists stand up for them saying "they can't help it".

Fibbke · 26/07/2019 13:23

Well you've sought help and got help, which is more than a lot of women do, so hopefully you can make peace with those that you hurt.

Hopoindown31 · 26/07/2019 13:23

@CuriousaboutSamphire

If only. I had 5 or 6 days a month when I didn't rage... That's how bad it can be.

I've had to cope with General Anxiety Disorder for over 20 years without a single day where it doesn't affect me. This is something I have to manage, it is not a hall pass for crap behaviour.

ShatnersWig · 26/07/2019 13:19

It was deleted because YOU complained it was a personal attack to MNHQ and they deleted it.

No one complained to MNHQ about some of your postings. Your voice was heard but no one agreed with your total dismissal of your own behaviour, not your acceptance, repeated here, that though you admit abusing your partner, you are not an abuser.

By your token, someone could say "yes, I raped her, but I'm not a rapist" and they'd be told to fuck right off.

People have sympathy for the condition but if you admit your behaviour, you can't be shocked when people call it precisely what it is. You can't be shocked they take you to task for saying you couldn't control it at home when you could control it elsewhere.

We have to accept that if a man saying "I managed not to lose my temper with my boss or colleagues at work but couldn't help but abuse my wife at home" is an abuser, the same goes for a woman.

There may be an underlying medical issue, of course, in your case and in those of others. That may be a REASON but it is never an EXCUSE or justification.

DecomposingComposers · 26/07/2019 13:18

People are reading your posts OP.

Tell me, does it matter to the victims of abuse why the perpetrator does it? I would think that the effects of suffering from domestic abuse are the same as far as the victim is concerned regardless of whether the perpetrator has PMDD, mental health or psychiatric disorders, alcoholism or other addictions etc.

Hopoindown31 · 26/07/2019 13:14

OP what exactly is your point though? No-one is denying either the reality of PMDD or the impact it can have on your behaviour. However, why is that any different to any other condition that can affect behaviour? You seem to be engaged in special pleading without justifying why.

Original poster
CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/07/2019 13:12

5 or 6 day rage????

If only. I had 5 or 6 days a month when I didn't rage... That's how bad it can be.

And I have not suggested I did not abuse my DH, I did, I said I did. Thats party if the problem here, some if you are simply not reading what I have said and are filtering my posts...

OP posts:
peachgreen · 26/07/2019 13:11

There are lots of reasons why people are abusive. Many of them are medical. Many of them are heartbreaking. But that doesn't stop them being abusers.

Original poster
CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/07/2019 13:09

And there they are.

I posted angrily because when I tried to explain I got piled upon, much like you are all doing here. The poster I told to fuck off told me I was an abuser who had got away with it. What response did you expect? And the post was deleted the, so I wasn't the only one to think it was uncalled for.

I reiterated that I was not defending the OP on that thread but trying to explain some often misunderstood aspects of PMDD, which someone else had brought up.

Nice that you all followed me here to repeat your blinkered views. It illustrates very clearly the problems PMDD sufferers meet on a daily basis.

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 26/07/2019 12:49

I find it incredibly weird that people can dissociate from the abuse they are perpetrating to both acknowledge that it is happening but deny they are an abuser.

Like I said on the other thread. Of course people with such health conditions need help and support but that shouldn't come at the cost of their partners being expected to remain in an abusive relationship. What about their health and welfare?

OP, I suffer from anxiety and in the past that has made me do things that were cruel and somewhat abusive to my partner (no 5/6 day fits of rage, just a lack of affection and intimacy). I know that it was my mental health that was affecting my behaviour but I did still do these things to that person and not to others. I wouldn't have blamed my partner for walking away and I suspect he would have if I hadn't both sought help for my condition and also taken responsibility for the impact it has had on our relationship. I know it is tough to face these things but it is necessary for a true recovery.

Yeahnahyeah · 26/07/2019 12:45

I'll get ma coat

Yeahnahyeah · 26/07/2019 12:44

Gah FG domestic violence

sawdustformypony · 26/07/2019 12:44

Oh, it's ok Taco, she's allowed to be abusive because of her mental health.

Unhelpful - What also doesn't work is telling people with depressive illnesses to snap out of it and pull themselves together.

Yeahnahyeah · 26/07/2019 12:43

It's not about "self righteous posters", it's about intellectual honesty. I'm sorry but you are playing the victim here, much like men do in DM situations.Flowers cos I'm not hating on you.

Thisismyhappyface · 26/07/2019 12:30

@borntobequiet sorry to derail, but how did you DD get a referral to the clinic?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 26/07/2019 12:29

I absolutely fail to understand why "socialisation" allows you to control this hormonal problem in public but not at home. Whatever excuses you make for yourself, that suggests choices being made based on the extent to which you worried about the consequences of your actions.

Fibbke · 26/07/2019 12:12

My mum had this. It ruined our lives. I have no relationship with her other than christmas and birthdays. Three of my siblings have drug and alcohol problems because of her violence and the terrifying outbursts.

She does feel an enormous amount of self pity like the OP, but I'm afraid all her dcs are too busy trying to live normal lives ti give her any sympathy.

Sorry if that's not want you want to hear. I'd say your anger and aggression in your posts mean you haven't fully recovered.

ShatnersWig · 26/07/2019 12:08

You abused your partner but managed not to abuse anyone else.

Own it.

YouJustDoYou · 26/07/2019 10:21

How is someone who abuses her partner on a regular basis over a long time period not an abuser

Oh, it's ok Taco, she's allowed to be abusive because of her mental health.

TacoLover · 26/07/2019 10:20

How is someone who abuses her partner on a regular basis over a long time period not an abuserConfused

YouJustDoYou · 26/07/2019 10:20

You were abusive to other posters, told people to fuck off, and have minimised and excused abuse. Mental health is not an excuse for abuse.