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Original poster

Please help 'D'F reading horrible books

34 replies

smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 13/07/2019 21:14

Hi everyone, I hope you don't mind me posting this but I need some other views and clarity this evening.
My father gave me an old kindle that he was throwing out and I've just sat down with it this evening.
For context we have never been close and he had been separated from my (wonderful) mum for 20 years. He was awful to her, love bombing initially then abusive, initially not physically but when it escalated she told him to walk. We have a LC relationship that I would stop if I had the strength.
Rather than delete the books that were on there I thought I'd have a look through as some of them looked like things I'd like to read before I get rid. I stumbled across a book called "how to destroy a (wo)man now" I had to have a look, it's as awful as it looks, there's also another called "the myth of male power" which looks to be an update of a book written in 1993.
Is there a possibility this is not what it looks like? Am I reading too much into it?
I'm expecting his first grandchild, a little boy, (although he doesn't know it's a boy) I just have a gut feeling that I don't want this man having anything to do with how my boy turns out. Does anyone have any advice? Sorry for the long ramble, I feel lost, I knew he wasn't a great person but this is a new level.

OP posts:
Oldstyle · 13/07/2019 21:30

Maybe your sister (along with the need to protect your son) can help you find the strength to follow her lead? The fact that you are scared is so telling but she's shown that it's possible.

Original poster
smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 13/07/2019 21:30

@sergeilavrov I think that's a good idea however I'll probably do it over the phone in case things escalate.
I would want my son to know about all kinds of people and beliefs, however I feel my father wouldn't be the best teacher. I feel family have more impact on what you believe than an opinion aired by a stranger if that makes any sense?

OP posts:
FormerMediocreMale · 13/07/2019 21:26

I think only you can decide what's best. you know your father, you know how he treated your mother. You know how he has treated you and any siblings you may have.

The books sound pretty awful but was he reading as a 'manual' or reading to understand his own past actions in order to learn from mistakes.

Go with your instincts and think about the impact he has on you;

How he makes you feel? Neg/pos feelings
Is your life better or worse when he's involved more?

If he is a negative influence on your life then you need to decide if you want that negative influence in your child's life. It is your job to protect your child even if that means protecting from your own family.

sergeilavrov · 13/07/2019 21:24

Talk to him about it, if you won't find that too stressful. Phrase it openly. Perhaps they are just books shared with him by a strange friend. Unless he's interested in Gender Theory, I don't think having these books is a great sign to be honest. They're hardly classics, it's not like having The Art of War while being a pacifist. However - he does need an opportunity to explain. But you never know! Additionally, if they are views he subscribes to, it's worth noting you can't and probably shouldn't shelter your child from all opinions you disagree with. It's part of the world, and if he's low contact, is unlikely to result in indoctrination.

Original poster
smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 13/07/2019 21:23

@Oldstyle @Ohyesiam thanks, it's something I've thought about before but I'm scared as he's been awful in the past and stalked my mum for several months after they split. I only see him to keep the peace, my sister went NC years ago and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous but I'm scared.

OP posts:
Original poster
smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 13/07/2019 21:22

Yes @Manclife1 I do know that, however coupled with past behaviour I kind of think he might?

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 13/07/2019 21:18

I think he sounds vile.
If you are low contact he probably wouldn’t have that much influence on your son.
But what would it take to walk away? It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture, you could let the relationship Quietly die out?

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Oldstyle · 13/07/2019 21:18

Maybe this will give you the push you need to get him out of your life OP? I agree, he's the opposite of a role model for your son. And it doesn't sound as if he brings you any joy. Good luck in going NC, sounds as if your life will be all the sweeter for it.

Manclife1 · 13/07/2019 21:17

You do know reading something doesn’t mean you believe in what it says don’t you.

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