The impact of hearing trans widows stories?

Slightly different, but my dad transitioned in his sixties and I feel as if the man who was my father has died. That's pretty much how I cope with it. The person who he became is essentially a stranger to me; it's beyond changing appearance, I don't recognise their behaviour, their interests or even their mannerisms.

I don't mean that to be offensive to those who have lost their fathers, it's just how I feel and I don't feel I should have to apologise for my feelings over it. I have every right to my feelings and pain in the situation. And I can completely understand how a woman married to a man for many years would feel widowed when they become a different person.

Thank you to all the trans widows for sharing your at times heartbreaking stories. I just hope that in posting on here maybe some of you feel slightly less isolated?

We do have your backs

As an actual widow, just coming on to say I do not find the the term trans widows offensive in any way. Hope this helps

Their power is in the bringing together of the universal themes that run through the experience. It’s pattern recognition, it’s consciousness raising. It’s shining a light on “the script” in the way that has been done on DV and coercive control before. it’s an act of raw feminism to see women come together to share, educate, inform and empower themselves

Hear, hear.

I have read the threads and have been moved to tears on many occasions. It has helped my understanding of AGP 100%.

When a family friend decided to announce to me that they were now a woman I went straight to the wife and gave my support. She said I was the first person not to tell her to let her ex "follow their heart"

"I think if you spend time on the relationship board you understand that many men centre their own wants over the happiness and stability of their family, and that often, actually, the things they want don’t make them happy in the long run at all"

that is so true. In my professional life my male clients often have to make difficult business decisions and it helps them when I allow and encourage them to talk about the happiness and stability of their families if their make certain decisions. It's almost taboo for men to talk about it... really odd.

Do you voice that distaste when somebody says golf widow or fishing widow?

Using ‘widows’ is in bad taste in my opinion.

I don't want to comment on the Trans Widow threads because it seems like intrusion, but I do read them and they have definitely coloured my opinion of male late in life transitioners. The seem no different to me than other types of entitled, emotionally and financially abusive men- perhaps even worse, because of all the affirmation and support they get from society whilst their family suffers. I think 'widow' is a highly appropriate term for these women. It sounds horrendous, like your husband has disappeared and been replaced by a complete stranger.

I have read the threads, and found them shocking, profound, moving and a revelation.

Their power is in the bringing together of the universal themes that run through the experience. It’s pattern recognition, it’s consciousness raising. It’s shining a light on “the script” in the way that has been done on DV and coercive control before. it’s an act of raw feminism to see women come together to share, educate, inform and empower themselves (the good kind of empowerment, not the kind that you get as a consolation prize instead of real power).

I salute you all.

Oh God BernardsBlackWineIceLolly that is so true. Very minor thing but I had a verbal stoush with DH the other night. DS2 and I wanted to catch up on Season 2 of Big Little Lies. The whinging and moaning. What am I supposed to do? It's 45 bloody minutes find something else to occupy yourself, like I do when you watch the bloody cricket. AARGH even the decent ones struggle to avoid their sense of entitlement.

BTW we watched it and he commented that it wasn't a bad show.

Sorry for derailing.

I think if you spend time on the relationship board you understand that many men centre their own wants over the happiness and stability of their family, and that often, actually, the things they want don’t make them happy in the long run at all

A lot of the behaviour recounted on the TW threads has seemed me to be just a different flavour of that pattern

In particular the repeated pattern of sexual coercion was quite eye opening

I still grieve the loss of the magnificent and ground breaking blog GenderTrender, brought down by the creepy fetishist JY.

It had one thread that ran to, iirc, about 150 trans widow posts. I read them all, and returned every so often. That thread made the pattern - the script - very, very clear.

People often talk about those men who have genuine dysphoria. But if you obsess over enough AGP porn you eventually develop dysphoria. It's a side effect of an addiction to a particular genres of porn. So it's self generated.

I know a trans widow. She was married to a man I've known all his life. He told her their dreadful sex life was due to her inhibitions. He blamed her for everything until he suddenly came out as trans.

He moved out, started the process of transition (got surgery eventually) and wouldn't pay CMS. Apparently the money was needed for manicures and such, or so his wife was told.

His family didn't think he was brave and stunning. They just exerted gentle pressure until he finally started paying for the DC and behaving in a responsible way.

I'm told the family worry because since their child has transitioned (being more careful about pronouns now this person has definitely transitioned) they have not heard even a whisper of a relationship. Their child lives a very sad, isolated life. They'll never pass, due to having the silhouette of an Oscar statuette. All that drama and heartbreak and they aren't even happy with the result.

This person had two older sisters who, when we were young, were the most drop dead gorgeous women I've ever seen. I've often wondered if that has any connection to the whole identifying as a woman business.

The ex wife? She found a lovely new DH and has had another baby. They're very happy.

Firstly, if a woman had children and then decided to become a man and leave the family home..

I'd guess this is v. rare. Would I be right?

TinselAngel needs to be put up for an award

This. And I’m probably far from alone in not posting on the Trans Widows threads, but reading and taking in what’s being said. The reality of what women and children have to deal with has had a huge impact on my thinking around these issues and helping the scales fall from my eyes over the last couple of years.

tobeforgotten

I found your post interesting and have two questions for anyone who cares to answer:
Firstly, if a woman had children and then decided to become a man and leave the family home etc and engage in many of the behaviours articulated in the Transwidow thread - would people react the same ie would she be considered stunning and brave?
Secondly and this always seems to me to be the elephant in the room, if autogynephilia which seems to be the most common cause of late transitioning, is a psychiatric condition (and I know this is debateable but autogynephiles don't usually say they have always been women do they?) why is the only treatment for it seen to be affirmation as a female? Are there no other approaches to this condition?

My reading of the trans widow thread is that the story isn't usually that the man decides he's trans, discusses this with his wife and explains this means the marriage should end, and then together they end the marriage with a minimum of fuss making sure that the wife and the kids will be disturbed as little as possible and properly provided for.

MsMaisel

I am sorry you find it offensive but as it has already been pointed out terms like golf widow are widely used are you offended by that too?

I actually feel that trans widow is much more akin to being a widow than a golf widow is. It is very descriptive and amplifies the loss of their husband/father/partner who no longer exists, cannot be referred to and who's identity has been wiped out with a new person in their place.

Certainly it has changed my perspective.

I have a trans friend whom I would describe as a reluctant trans activist (got sucked in to stuff through no fault of her own and is now trying to distance self from it ). On facebook, she is praised for this that and the other (none of these things being the things that make her an interesting person).
Always in private the conversations would be about the children and ex wife. I would be largely silent, because, I now realise, I had swallowed the idea that they ought to be celebrating my friend's transition and so I found the angst baffling.

I do consider my friend brave (though not stunning) but not for coming out or being a high profile trans person or for continuing to be so despite having experienced some physical assaults but rather for recognising the huge impact of her actions on, especially, the children and dedicating herself to trying to rebuild some sort of relationship with the children and establish a working relationship with the ex wife and in particular for meeting financial obligations and recognising that she cannot hope for things to be what they were and that's on her.

interestingly she does try to write about this stuff (not the individuals of course but nuanced stuff) but no-one listens, she is drowned out by a deluge of groupies who find her trendy/useful and tell her she is brave and stunning etc etc. She even turned down a certain prize (don't want to out) and wrote an open letter telling them why but no one listened.

So it's a bit like being a king surrounded by flattering courtiers. You're trying to be a father still but everyone around you is saying that your feelings matter more than those of your family. Lots of praise but it's junk-food praise.

MsMaisel, you seem to have a very confusing definition of GC. If the women here who have lost their husbands to death, have no issue with the women who have lost their husbands to a fetishise, then why have you a problem with it. Please don’t compare men who identify as trans, with gay men. The two have nothing in common and it’s extremely transphobic and homophobic to compare the two.

Genuine question, if a woman came out as a lesbian and asked for a divorce, would you say she was selfish for not considering her husband’s feelings?

Depends. If she knew she was a lesbian and married, had a family and then left, yes, totally selfish. It’s wrong to create a life with a person in those circumstances. Very unfair to them.