The impact of hearing trans widows stories?

I am mainly struck in Transwidow stories between the total logic failure of transitioning partners between their stance of "gender is really important and so important that I can't tolerate being a man any more and have to be a woman because my gender is the most important thing in the whole wide world" and "but I'm still the same person and me changing gender doesn't change our relationship". It is completely mad.

Has anyone watched Damned? By Jo Brand. It’s about social workers. There was a character whose mother was now their father. The child was struggling because everyone else was absolutely fine with it and they felt they had no space to adjust to it or talk about it. I thought it was dealt with well.

Thank you Haz1516 for answering. I am often struck by the lack of support for the children (for all sorts of reasons). It must complicate life for children to continually be faced with having to censor their own feelings for fear of being labelled transphobic. Every parent knows how normal it is for children to feel hatred, exasperation, disapproval of their parents but when the parent is needy / self absorbed and the only socially acceptable response is an unquestioning 'yay' the level of self censorship must be massive.

MumInVillage, Haz1516 I can't begin to imagine how hard all this is for you. I want to thank you for telling your stories here. I hear you

It's definitely an eye opener.

I wouldn't say I'm close but I do know a woman who is a trans widow. My initial thought when her husband came out as trans seemingly out of the blue was how convenient that this person had gotten what they wanted out of being a man (wife and children) before coming out as trans.

I strongly dislike the concept of deadnaming especially when it comes to children. While I don't wish to trivialise the pain of losing a beloved husband or father at least most of the time when you lose a loved one to death you can still talk about them and maybe even smile and laugh at the memories. Asking a child to pretend the father they had, maybe for years, didnt exist or else its deadnaming and "literal violence" to talk about their old male identity is very cruel and self centered.

Haz1516 I could have written your posts. Not only do you grieve for a Dad you no longer have, the person who was your Dad denies the reality of that past relationship and so you have that grief too. Then you are also expected to maintain a relationship with this parent because they are your parent even though they won't accept they were your Dad.

And you don't recognise many of their interests. It's all so selfish. My parent tries to talk to me about stereotypicaI 'girly' things in which I have never been interested in talking about, which they should know as my parent. Why would I have changed my views just because they have transitioned?

Also, men that come out as gay have never demanded that their children and wife change their pronouns and ‘celebrate’ and affirm their identities.

I'd imagine this is not dissimilar a situation.

I doubt that gay men, once they came out, gaslit, bullied and harassed their wives, while demanding that they accept their sexual wants, by changing their (the wives’) own identities, to call themselves lesbians or have sex while they play dress up. There’s absolutely no comparison.

I worked with someone whose husband transitioned in their 50s. I remember her saying she was unsure if she was a lesbian or not now.
The whole situation seemed miserable. She was in fact the main earner and her husband had given up his teaching job as was unable to continue whilst transitioning. He eventually became a recluse as I think it hadn’t gone as well as he had hoped and was embarrassed about how they looked. He used ring up work and whisper so much you could hardly hear them. They never went anywhere or did anything, such a sad life.

It's certainly opened my eyes to the fact that we mustn't expect every woman to be happy about her partner transitioning and women should be allowed to walk away without censure. Because she has needs and wants as well, and we don't expect other people to stick around when these no longer chime with their partners', whatever the reason. Women have the right not to be 'supportive' too!

I'm another that initially felt I shouldn't intrude on the trans widows threads.

I had a relationship with a trans person many years ago. I knew from the outset that they were questioning their gender identity (I accepted that even though I was too young to understand what it meant), we decided that as long as they felt they could live in their birth sex we could make it work but if that changed then the relationship would end. The relationship worked for 5 years and was always open, honest and respectful. They transitioned, I supported them as a friend and we remained friends for many years after. I am not a trans widow, the relationship was not abusive, my partner had dysphoria and there was no sexual element to their "feminine identity".

The threads here are humbling and educational. I have learned so much about AGP, I didn't even know it was a thing. The strength and dignity of the abused wives and partners of trans women is moving. I can only read bits at a time, it can sometimes be distressing to read others experiences nevermind have to live it.

I think it's one of the most important support threads on the site. Thank you Tinsel for being prepared to share your own experiences and help to support others. The thread reminds me how fucking amazing women are at supporting each other and also just have fucking awful some men can be.

To all those widows who have contributed here in support of the trans widows thread thank you, my eyes are leaking!

It's because they want to shut down the discussion but to do it in a way that avoids engaging in discussion. The last thing they want is for there to be more discussion about this aspect of the gender identity ideology.

If a bloke can self ID as a woman, then surely women can identify as trwans widows. I think it is an apt term and am baffled why this could be found offensive.

One other thing I'll add. Having read the trans widows threads, whenever I hear bleating about AGP being a "discredited theory" I see it for the gaslighting it is.

Before homosexuality was as socially acceptable as it is now, it used to be the case that men would marry, have kids, and then come out later in life.

I'd imagine this is not dissimilar a situation.

haz and prawn

I read them but never post.

It’s hugely eye opening. You see so many people who stay in the relationship and the wife is accepting of her partner, which is great and I’m happy for them. However we need to see the other side. That for some women this is the end of an unhappy marriage. I also find it disturbing how many women report that they partner wants them to partake in sexual activity that they are not comfortable with.

@truthisarevolutionaryact no, I haven't. When it all first unfolded then I tried looking online, but there wasn't really anything for me that I could see - more for either parents of trans kids or for transgender people with young children.

It's not something I talk about in real life to anyone apart from my partner, there's a kind of sense of embarrassment to it - not even in the fact he is living as a woman, but in terms of opening up about it; I think people would be really lovely and tell me they didn't care/it didn't matter/be supportive of my father, but that's not what I want to hear... it does matter to me and I don't think they'd be able to understand how upsetting it is.

Haz1516
Thank you for sharing that.

Can I ask - have you at any stage been able to access support for yourself - or maybe access any other 'children' for support? I'm acutely aware of how doubly conflicted the children must feel (don't feel you need to answer if that's too intrusive).

TRAs and their supporters will naturally object to the term trans widow. The world is supposed to laud the brave and stunning MtF while the discarded wife and distraught DC slide silently into the background.

The phrase trans widows doesn't fit their narrative at all. They hate that it draws attention to the grief and destruction experienced by families when the selfish, obsessive POS who used to be a husband and father decides to rewrite history.

And no, it's nothing like your DH coming out as gay, though had your DH always known he was gay, married you under false pretences, and now expected you to pretend to be a gay men and peg him regardless of your own tastes then it'd be a bit the same.

Still not like telling people not to deadname you or trying to get your DC to call you mum.

If people realized that some women are instructed by their husbands that they're now in a lesbian relationship and expected to play along with AGP fetishes the tide would turn on how late transitioning men are perceived.

I note that none of the widows on this thread object to the term. Only those hoping to police the thread.

Haz1516 Thanks for sharing - we don't often get children of transitioners here to talk about their experiences.

It seems to me from reading the Trans Widows threads that the AGP fetish acts almost like a parasitic organism the hosts and turns them into someone unrecognizable to their families. Or an addiction with cycles of bingeing and purging. I can't imagine how it must feel to watch it unfold.

I do apologise for the number of times I wrote feel and feelings in the space of 2 sentences though.