"maintenence shag"

I doubt it's just female thing either.

Its vey different for men.
For one, if they have libido/erection problem, its considered a health issue and they are given viagra and the like. Women are told they re just frigid.
Second the pressure is completely diferent. Sure some women would love to have more sex and their H cant bring it up/doesnt want to. But the reaction is totally different and to learn to accept it as he is their H and they love thim.
Sex from women is expected. it is a due rather than something you have to work towards.

I don't think it means the relationship is dead at all. IME it's normal for lust in LTR to wax and wane. Sometimes I fancy the pants off DH and sometimes I have zero libido. But I find the longer we don't do it for, the less I want to. If I make an effort to do it more often, the more I want to. That's the case at the moment - we're doing it 4-5 times a week at the moment. But there have been phases it's been more like twice a month.

The thing is we should be able to get the intimacy you have with sex through other ways too. Saying that 'you have to make an effort to keep the connexion alive' aka having sex even if you dont feel like it is a dangerous game.
For one, it says to women who have very good reason not to want to shag their H, that if the relationship fails if it will be THEIR fault because they didnt say YES (or have sex whenever said partner wants)
It also says that the only way to get intimacy is through sex. I dont think thats true. I acually think that wo intimacy first, you dont get great sex. And its the intimacy that keeps the relationhsip going. Not the sex. Having good sex is a good way to express that intimacy. But it shoudnt be used as a way to replace any other form of intimacy iyswim.
Finally, it also works on the proviso that no relationhsip is possible wo sex. Now Im not saying that a no sex relationhsi is what we shoud aim for. But over a life time, sex drive will go in ebbs and flow for various reasons. It is often the women who is 'going off sex' because ... ah yes children and being the one to carry all the burden of family life on their shoulders. Basically the issue is the fact they 'do it all' but instead of looking at the root cause (not enough involvement of the man with housework etc etc), we say that women should have sex anyway, making THEM responsible once again.
Im sure very few women would expect their husband to have sex a few weeks afer a major abdominal surgery. or throughout a chronic illness. But somehow, its normal for men to expect sex soon afer birth or when the woman is exhausted from night waking etc... because 'otherwise' the realtionhsip will suffer. Once again, its making women and not men responsible (to keep relationhsip alive, to do it all etc...)

I think it can be good, and necessary, and I doubt it's just female thing either.

I think it’s important to make the effort sometimes. I can go through long spells where by libido goes out the window. Making the effort on occasion has brought it back though, and it’s just actually getting into it that has reminded me, oh yeah, you do like sex.

When it’s not alright is when you get pestered. There’s no bigger turn off than being moaned at, guilt tripped and coerced into having sex done to you. My ex did this all the time and it made me feel so dirty. Personally I wouldn’t dream of pestering my DP into sex, partially because I know how awful it is, but also because I wouldn’t find it arousing if she wasn’t into it. I have at times called a stop to proceedings because I’ve sensed she wasn’t enjoying it, likewise I’ve tried to get in the mood and it hasn’t happened so I’ve said stop.

I think as long as your relationship is one where no is respected, and both partners are in tune with the other then maintenance sex can be quite good and necessary. When it’s one partner pushing the other into it and ignoring their feelings however then that’s not only terrible sex, it’s a shitty relationship.

I'm a bit on the fence as on one hand I absolutely agree that unless both parties are equally up for it then it feels wrong. On the other I know personally since hitting peri menopause my libido has very quiet, shall we say, months periods whilst DH would happily do it most days. He would never pressure me into it but sometimes I do it or initiate as I know it's important to him. I also find the connection from being intimate really important not just the sex itself if that makes sense? I have a feeling it doesn't

I used to do this, it just made me feel very very sad. I actually had a decent libido, the nagging and pestering for more within hours of having sex just revolted me to the point I couldn't stand my ex touching me. No one should feel they have to do 'maintenance shags', if you're not in the mood you shouldn't feel obliged to try and get into it because it's what your partner wants. I personally wouldn't want to have sex with someone who was forcing themselves, and I'm not convinced these men can't tell when their partners are faking enthusiasm, I think a lot of men just don't really care if their partner is into it as long as they are satisfied.

Tails

I think if you want a happy, healthy sex life in a long term relationship then sometimes you have to make the effort.

I dunno, I start it sometimes in the same spirit of 'you'll enjoy it when you get going' that I use for long dog walks and bike rides.

What passes for foreplay after 20 years --
'Everyone's out - shall we?'
'Oh go on then, we could see what happens.'

Sounds grim. Hard pass.

I don't think anyone should have sex they really don't want to have but I still think the term has merit.

As adult says sometimes you're not feeling initially very sexy in some life stages, but you make time for sex and make the effort because you value the sexual connection with your partner. I've certainly initiated when I wasn't initially gagging for it but wanted to make sure we kept that connection alive and got into it and enjoyed it quite quickly, even though I could have just gone "eh, not in the mood". I suppose you could consider those as initially "maintenance shags" although they turned into plain old enjoyable shags.

I think sex, desire and a long-term couples sexual life are more complicated and mutable than you want it/you don't.

I don't know.

I go through phases where I'm not very interested in sex, usually related to having a small baby/breastfeeding etc so nothing to do with the state of our relationship. And sometimes I'll still initiate sex, because I know my husband will enjoy it. He has never even remotely put pressure on me to have sex, I only ever have to say I don't feel like it and it's immediately off the table, so I have that security and sense of safety there which I think makes it easier for me than if I felt I had to do it to avoid resentment.

I don't think anyone should ever feel obliged to do this, but I think lots of women do it. The idea that not being physically interested in sex at all times means your relationship is "on its last leg" is, frankly, nonsense, and suggests somebody who has no experience of LTRs or of having young children.

Done that before, it’s crap. I wouldn’t advice anyone to do that.
I’ve its also the sign that the relationship is on it’s last leg and not worth fighting for anymore