"maintenence shag"

I think the issue is that when you are in a shit relationship,you are being pressured, and sulked at or worse, and he says that everyone does and what's wrong with you that you won't...and then go on to listen/read the same from other women the "good conditions " get lost/ignored.

The term is being used to mean myriad things, and I think that's causing some confusion.

If you go with it to keep a partner off your back, prevent a bad mood, stop them straying etc then that's a very different thing to making the effort to do something that you know you'll enjoy once it gets going for the sake of maintaining intimacy (even though you could easily have gone without).

I heard that women’s hour and the person who used that term went on to say that they never regretted it once they got going.
In that situation I agree 100%. It’s like going for a run, normally I think I really can’t be arsed but soon as I start I realise it’s fun.

I dunno, I start it sometimes in the same spirit of 'you'll enjoy it when you get going' that I use for long dog walks and bike rides

This

Im terrible for task inertia. Even things I really enjoy. So if DH initiates I do try to ignore my first thought that I CBA with this. Because I know 20 seconds later I WILL be enjoying it.

My libido went out the window at some point, it's not just having a baby thing because DD is nearly 8. OH doesn't pressure me and also rarely initiates because he respects my lack of interest. I still enjoy sex while we're doing it, but I feel no "need" for it. So yeah, I have initiated sex just for the sake of it because I couldn't even remember the last time we did it.

And no one is saying "lest the man be unfulfilled and decide to stray."

I don't even know how that comes into a serious discussion about a LTR other than to say someone who would do so is a dick.

Um, eah, they do, why would you say otherwise?

it's not the same to say that someone should have sex when they actually can't have sex. Women find themselves in that position as well for health reasons at times and I don't imagine anyone here, or their doctors, are telling them to do it anyway.

And it's pretty common when either partner is not physically capable to have recommendations of other ways of having sex if it makes sense with whatever the problem is. (Obviously it wouldn't if the person was simply very ill with something like cancer.) You can find pretty detailed talk about it for example in discussions among disabled men and women.

Contrast the advice to women to do maintenance sex with the advice given to women whose DHs have been treated for prostate cancer and rendered impotent: to just learn to be happy with cuddling.

Men in that situation certainly aren’t exhorted to make sure to go down once a week in their wives lest the woman be unfulfilled and decide to stray.

If I was having sex due to pressure, I wouldn't call it a maintenance shag, I'd call it something else.

@tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz
if that makes sense? I have a feeling it doesn't

It does to me

I don't think of a maintenance shag as being in response to pressure. To me that's something else entirely. But the maintenance shag as part and parcel of the many things that each of us does with/for the other even if it is not top of our own personal wish list at that precise moment in time ... yeah I think that's ok.

I don't think anyone should ever feel obliged to do this, but I think lots of women do it. The idea that not being physically interested in sex at all times means your relationship is "on its last leg" is, frankly, nonsense, and suggests somebody who has no experience of LTRs or of having young children.

I did it because I loved my husband very much and I knew how important it was for him. It wasn't at all important to me after I had children. I can live very well without sex and have done so for at least ten years and never expect to have it again. But it was important to him, so I did it.

We had a good, strong relationship beside sex and I dare anyone to tell me our relationship was on its last legs! I only wish he could have been capable of finding intimacy and closeness and joy in non-physical ways. In his last years he couldn't at all; he was bedridden and unable to communicate at all.

I believe it is a massive issue to perpetuate the idea that women HAVE TO make an effort when we dont expect that from men (hell we dont expect them to give us an orgasm each time we have sex!). Because it blurs boundaries for women who already are vulnerable and feel like they 'ought to' (nice left over from the idea that a husband could never rape his wife etc...).
A maintenance shag can only exist within certain boundaries to still be acceptable. A general statement saying that a maintenance shag is a normal thing to do FOR WOMEN is an issue.

Well, sure, ComeAndDance. But nobody's saying that. The idea that we can't have a measured discussion about intimacy in LTRs because people could get the idea that "all women should have sex whenever their partner wants, even if they really don't feel like it" is ridiculous.

And, FWIW, I've had plenty of 'maintenance shags' over the years (and, like PPs, usually end up enjoying it even if I wasn't that bothered in the first place). I have never once faked an orgasm.

What you are all talking about are respectful relationhsip though.
If you go onto the relationship threads or AIBU, youll see that its not he case for many many women.

If you aren't in a respectful relationship, and I think that means both respect for yourself and your partner, it doesn't really matter what you do or don't do, it won't make it respectful. Occasionally respect problems can be solved but often it's never going to become healthy.

But if you are in a respectful relationship, that kind of self-protection and lack of trust and lack of caring for the well-being of your partner is pretty likely to doom the whole thing, or at least make it miserable.

What you are all talking about are respectful relationhsip though.
If you go onto the relationship threads or AIBU, youll see that its not he case for many many women.

Another thought.

it is not unusual for women to be told 'to just get on with it' re sex. maybe its because they dont fancy it, theyve had a baby and they are exhausted etc etc. or like on this thread, have a maintenance shag to get the relationship going.

Now how often have you heard a man been told 'to just get on with it, get down on his partner/use hand/toys' so SHE has an orgasm even if he doesnt/doesnt want to??? Because I haven't.
The answer would be that if he cant bring it up then he cant. The assumption been that there will ne sex wo him ejaculating/having an orgasm.
On the other side, many women have sex wo orgasm on a regular basis. and it is assumed that women CAN have sex even if they dont feel like it because they are a receptable (physically) vs a man who has an 'active' role (he needs to get hard first).

The bottom line is about boundaries. And yes in the feminism section, its more likely that women will make an effort but its within a good relatinhsip etc... so not an issue.
I believe it is a massive issue to perpetuate the idea that women HAVE TO make an effort when we dont expect that from men (hell we dont expect them to give us an orgasm each time we have sex!). Because it blurs boundaries for women who already are vulnerable and feel like they 'ought to' (nice left over from the idea that a husband could never rape his wife etc...).
A maintenance shag can only exist within certain boundaries to still be acceptable. A general statement saying that a maintenance shag is a normal thing to do FOR WOMEN is an issue.

Pesonally, until said men arent able and expected to reciprocate then its a dangerous zone for women in general.

I dunno, I start it sometimes in the same spirit of 'you'll enjoy it when you get going' that I use for long dog walks and bike rides

What passes for foreplay after 20 years --
'Everyone's out - shall we?'
'Oh go on then, we could see what happens.'

sounds like our house (only without the long dog walks - our greyhounds are too lazy - quick sprint round the park and back to bed).

I think the phrasing ‘maintenance shag’ is pretty grim, but the reality is less so, as long as the relationship is healthy and loving.

I think this happens in most relationships that last a long time, the idea that it related to "last egs" is simply untrue.. There's a period in my marriage my husband calls the "Seven Year Drought" when I was breastfeeding babies, my libido was pretty flat. I struggled to have sex even occasionally but I know he found it really difficult, he's very tactile, he was sad, he was young enough to find it physically uncomfortable, he wondered if I wasn't attracted to him (he asked me once if I wanted him to lose weight.) And although he knew this sort of thing happened, I remember very clearly when it stopped when my menstrual cycle kicked in again after my son was born, he was so, so, relieved, I think he couldn't help but worry that maybe I just didn't love or fancy him any more. That was ten years ago and now we have a pretty strong marriage and things work quite smoothly most of the time. Getting through the difficult periods is what allowed that to happen.

So yeah, sometimes having sex anyway was important. And no, I don't think you have to have sex to have a good marriage, but I think that also really needs to be something you work out together. It's not generally reasonable to demand a celibate marriage any more than it is to demand sex in a marriage. Sometimes circumstances dictate, but marriages work on the basis of wanting what is good for your partner and the relationship as a whole, and trust. Does that make the people in them vulnerable? Absolutely. But there really isn't any other way.

I'd ask if you are young and immature but that's insulting to younger people

haha. Nope im 50s and have had the experience of giving too many maintenance shags that I didnt want. All the name of 'saving the relationship' and 'he will just leave and that will be your fault'.
Believe me, forcig yourself to have a shag bevause thts what you are suppose to do is soul destroying.
Its maintenance shags that have made everything worse tbh.

A maintenance shag is not a sign that the relationship is on its last legs. What a ridiculous comment. I'd ask if you are young and immature but that's insulting to younger people.

Dh and I would have sex one afternoon on the weekend whether we wanted to or not when the children were really small. Some days it didn't happen and we'd take the time to lie in bed and chat and cuddle which was just as lovely as sex. Still married many years later.

DpW you can still feel pressure into proposing a maintenance shag though....

I suppose with "maintenance shags" then you get into the realm of fake orgasms...
which is somewhat of a feminist issue.

ComeandDance I think you've made some good points and in relationships you're describing thie sex issue is unlikely to be the only red flag that something is wrong. For me and DH though, where I'd describe our relationship as normal, I think the connection I get from sex is one we can't get in other ways.

Told you, splinters up my arse

There's a big difference between a woman providing a "maintenance shag" because she wants to (in my case usually it's a "maintenance BJ" bc it's quicker) and a woman providing a shag she doesn't really want because she feels pressured into sex.

I think the term refers to something that's initiated by the person doing the maintenance shagging, not insisted upon by the person receiving it.

So with that mind, there's nothing wrong with it.

I don't like the phrase as it implies sex is a chore. Sex is very important in a relationship for me, and I would not stay in a sexless relationship, nor would I put up with a 'maintenance shag' from a man.

I think a lot of people must ignore their lack of sexual compatibility at the start of a relationship, which leads to loss of libido and resentment down the line, and maintenance shags. Ugh.