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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Wwyd about creepy cleaner who gave me a creepy handshake on my first day at work?

62 replies

GottaGetUp · 24/06/2019 10:23

I started a new job last week. My first in 10 years. As I walked around the department on various tasks I was smiling at everyone, as the new person trying to be friendly. I walked past this cleaner a couple of times and smiled and he smiled back.

Later in the afternoon he came into a small side room I was in by myself. Asked if I was new, held out his hand and introduced himself. As I went to shake his hand he folded his middle finger in towards my palm and as we shook hands sort of stroked my palm with it. I went to pull my hand away as you do after a brief handshake (also icked out by the creepy finger thing) but he held on quite tightly. I had to put some force into removing my hand and had to sort of slither it out of his grasp rather than him letting go of it.

All this happened while I carried on the usual pleasantries. The conversation finished and he left the room. I’m pretty sure in my younger days with less confidence to assert myself I would have let him hold on to my hand much longer than I did, but I’m still annoyed with myself that I didn’t mention it to someone afterwards.

I feel like I should tell someone still. For context I work in a hospital so there is potential for him to have access to vulnerable women. I don’t expect any action to be taken from this one weird handshake, but I feel like I want it noted, or some acknowledgement that they have their eye on him, or something?

Again, this is my first time in a working environment in a decade, and I have no idea how to approach things.

OP posts:
FriarTuck · 24/06/2019 19:26

Blush I'd have assumed it was a Freemason thing and made a joke about having to go round with one trouser leg rolled up or something. You live and learn....

ThePurported · 24/06/2019 19:21

Yes please report him.
A middle-aged male colleague did that to me in one of my first summer jobs and then told me what it meant! I told an older female colleague and she cheerily informed me that he was the workplace perv and to just avoid him. This was in the 80s. These days that kind of behaviour is usually included in anti-harassment policies.

CodenameVillanelle · 24/06/2019 19:03

Ew I can't believe this is a thing! The small and disgusting ways that some men find to creep on women in plain sight Angry

GottaGetUp · 24/06/2019 18:56

He was the certainly the only person who I shook hands with. And I would have found it weird even if that’s all it was.

I don’t like shaking hands much either, I can usually avoid them in situations where they might be expected by giving a small wave very early in the introduction. A bit harder to refuse when a hand is already being held out to you though.

OP posts:
aliasundercover · 24/06/2019 18:50

@TheInebriati
This is one reason I refuse to shake hands with men

How do you manage this? If you are in a formal or semi-formal situation where a handshake is offered what do you do? I can't see any way of refusing the handshake without causing an awkward situation.

I'm not disagreeing with your position, btw, just wondering if you have strategies.

SophoclesTheFox · 24/06/2019 18:21

Very much the norm to shake hands with new starts on introduction at my company. Very much not the norm to have them perve on you while doing it.

It’s taken me years to feel comfortable with firmly removing my hand from lingering shakers, so well done for extricating yourself quickly- so awkward when you’re the new person trying to be agreeable. I agree with PPs that a quiet word with management about him making you so uncomfortable is in order- again, excruciating for you to have to do this so early in the piece. His fault though, not yours.

LassOfFyvie · 24/06/2019 17:34

I'm in a relatively formal office and In my experience hand shakes with new colleagues is not the norm. It's just not done. New starts are taken round and introduced, people smile and make small talk.

I can at a stretch imagine that a new male recruit or a new female recruit who is quite formal might shake hands with the managing partner, chairman or head of department , but it's not the norm.

There's no way of saying this without sounding snobbish but I'd be very surprised if a member of the cleaning staff went out of their way to come into a room, introduce, themselves and shake hands with a new employee.

GottaGetUp · 24/06/2019 14:50

That photo is now disturbing me so I’m going to ask MN to delete it.

OP posts:
JamB4cream · 24/06/2019 12:36

GottaGetUp

Thanks for the photo!

Definitely have a quiet word with your line manager

deydododatdodontdeydo · 24/06/2019 11:40

I don't want to Google randomly "creepy sex handshake"

Heh, I did google that.
Cam back with a lot of hits about it being a gay male thing, but I guess both work (or not, it seems).

LangCleg · 24/06/2019 11:31

A man who tickles your palm when you shake hands is a perv.

As PPs have said, it's commonplace and it's not on in the workplace.

Go to HR.

GottaGetUp · 24/06/2019 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GottaGetUp · 24/06/2019 11:19

Jam he did this with his finger, so that the knuckle/fingernail was against my palm. And then moved it so it felt like a stroke, or something. Urghurghurgh.

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BernardBlacksWineIcelolly · 24/06/2019 11:15

YY to being formal and not friendly to strange men. Even men I know well-ish at work get shut down if they make personal comments which could be construed as an opening line. Last week I had ‘I like your earrings’ which was met with a vague smile and me walking away

It’s pure instinct by now, I don’t care if it could be taken as rude or paranoid. I’m sure it’s saved me from loads of inappropriate behaviour

JamB4cream · 24/06/2019 11:09

I can't picture what's going on with the finger in the creepy handshake.

Is there a Wikipedia/ Google image someone can screenshot, does it have an official name?

I don't want to Google randomly "creepy sex handshake" Confused

Juells · 24/06/2019 11:06

after experiences at work, I no longer even smile at men when I'm introduced.

Haha innit awful that it's almost impossible to be friendly and open with some men without them reading something into it? The turning point for me was when a friend asked me to partner a visiting 18-year-old in a pub quiz, because he didn't know anyone in the area. I felt really sorry for him as he was like a fish out of water, sitting with a bunch of 40-somethings, and made a great effort to include him in the conversation even though he couldn't contribute anything to answering the questions. He told my friend that I fancied him and was giving him the come-on all evening. Grin That cured me of being too pleasant to strange men, no matter what age.

Speakercube · 24/06/2019 11:05

Yes mention it. Even if it comes to nothing it builds a picture and you never know others might have mentioned it too. Sometimes even just gut reactions are accurate.The handshake being too familar would have crept me out too. They say u can tell a lot about a person from their handshake.

Downunderduchess · 24/06/2019 11:04

Yep, definitely report, he's a perve. That hand thing is foul. As soon as you described it I was disgusted, hadn't thought about that for years.

GottaGetUp · 24/06/2019 11:01

I don't think it's delusional, as I doubt they actually believe a 'secret code' could lead to anything actually happening. Probably just get off on involving you in whatever is going on in their creepy mind. And/or intimidation as you say.

I'm ok, just cross with him for spoiling my shiny new job excitement.

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palahvah · 24/06/2019 11:00

Ewww - I've had this handshake before, knew it was creepy but didn't realise it was a known thing. I agree, report, and be aware if you are likely to be alone with him out of hours.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 24/06/2019 10:59

I never heard of this handshake! Good to know, though, for future reference.

RosaWaiting · 24/06/2019 10:58

Oh you poor thing.

I would report it, definitely a point being made there.

after experiences at work, I no longer even smile at men when I'm introduced. I do a formal nod. I don't care how stupid it looks.

if anyone enters a room and I'm alone, I immediately look at the doorway, like I'm doing a scan of who is around. Which I am!

Juells · 24/06/2019 10:53

DUH! I never knew that's what it meant. I thought it was just creepy old fuckers intimidating you by being sexually inappropriate. They were always people who would be delusional if they thought someone young would have anything to do with them in that way. I still think it's about intimidation.

EAIOU · 24/06/2019 10:47

You ok? Sounds creepy as! 🙄

TheInebriati · 24/06/2019 10:46

This is one reason I refuse to shake hands with men.