Girls and names for body parts - aibu?

Feeling a bit better. Having survived things I would not wish on my worst enemy, I have given dd a lesson about her body parts. I then got really worried (thank you someone on MN) that telling her about her bits made her more likely to be abused, rather than understanding her boundaries.

*deconditioned. Not reconditioned!

Have used vulva since my daughter was born so by the time it meant anything to her I had got over my own weirdness at using it. The whole family, inc her big brother, now use it freely and she is able to tell me clearly exactly which bit of herself is sore.

Other mum is nuts and shouldn't have been earwigging on a private conversation.

And like someone else said - now I'm reconditioned I actually lile the word vulva and have a new appreciation for my own anatomy. It's only when you grt to that point that you realise how toxic and internalised misogyny really is.

My boys both know the correct terms (although I just had to teach the youngest 'Testicles' after he was asking about it all) - they both strongly prefer to use a colloquial name though - in fact the eldest (8) bashfully told me that some boys were talking at school about things they probably shouldn't and they were using a word he'd rather not say - he'd only say the first letter 'P' to which I was both relieved, and then loudly guessed 'PENIS' to his blushing face.

I have no idea where he's got this from - I've certainly used the correct terms for all the relevant bits on boys and girls, and yet, somehow, he won't say penis (I didn't venture as far as his feelings on Vulva or Vagina). It's not like we're a shy family, or they're otherwise bashful or unable to talk to me about things.

Can someone explain to me why Vulva is so important as a safe guarding issue? I use vagina and if I need to differentiate in my own life for any reason it would be inside of my vagina and the outside of my vagina. I will be doing the same with my daughter.

Genuine question.

I’m a doctor, so my DDs were given the correct terms from the start. It would never have occurred to me to use any of the hilarious and twee euphemisms I’ve seen on MN.
DD1 became the “go to” in her class for correct information on sex ed at high school.
She laughingly said she was hugely popular for a few weeks after explaining the location and role of the clitoris in masturbation- grateful girls kept coming up to high five her after their first orgasms the night before!
I think it’s important to be factual and unembarrassed when discussing anatomy, periods or sexual function. It means your DC can trust your information as accurate, and be able to confide in you when required. And as PPs have said, it means they can recognise and report abuse immediately.

Bottom and willy are understood to refer to anus and penis by almost everyone.

But as this thread demonstrates there is a wide variety of euphemism for vagina and vulva.

It is absolutely safeguarding best practice for your DD not only to know the correct word but to feel comfortable using it.

If she felt shame for saying it, how would she ever be able to use it to describe anything happening to her that also left her feeling shame?

Did you also tell her to wipe her anus correctly?
No, you said bottom, so did not use the correct anatomical term.
Because most of us don't in general, in every day speech.
However, that mum was out of order.

Teaching her the correct name for body parts is the right thing to do. Women have had to be ashamed of their bodies for far too long and it is part of the reason that sexual abuse goes unreported.

You can know the correct word for something, and still not be bothered using it. How many people would ask their children if they needed to urinate? Or talk about faeces?

I'd see it as being about intimacy. In a formal setting you'd use the correct words, but with those who are close to you, especially children, it's a lowering of barriers. Maybe I'm talking through my anus though...

My sister is a police officer. She tells me that children who know the correct terms are more likely to report abuse should it happen.

There was a post on a similar thread from someone who worked in courts saying theyd seen trialsfall apart because adult women couldnt properly identify their own body parts.

Its not akin to abuse, it is safeguarding.

Anyone on this thread suggesting you have done anything wrong or even slightly inappropriate is a moron and part of the problem.

Teaching her the correct name for body parts is the right thing to do. Women have had to be ashamed of their bodies for far too long and it is part of the reason that sexual abuse goes unreported.

The other mum needs to look at her own issues. You weren't talking to her daughter and she needs to mind her own business.

My 7 year old had a lesson in school (Scottish primary) on the correct terms recently. I can’t understand why anyone would have a problem with it! Surely it makes sense for them to know.

tee hee, I can't imagine asking a child to wipe their anus. It might be correct, but it's a bit .... dunno.

As an aside on a completely other note, DD reported to me that Young Woke Male TA corrected her during their PSHE lesson when she said that females have uteruses. "He said that not all people with uteruses are females, mummy, wasn't that silly of him?"

Your 7 year old was doing female reproductive anatomy?!...

I remember asking my DM what my 'bits' were called as a fairly young child, and she told me that 'girl parts don't have a name' my three year old uses vulva. I don't want her to feel the odd shame about her genitals that I did, and my school did not do detailed anatomical labelling at secondary level sex ed either, what I learnt I got from the internet and channel 4s sex education show, and I was nearing adulthood at that point.

We've used the correct terms and always have done. The kids have accurate information about their bodies and functions, and it's just no big deal.

As far as I know, it's also seen as a protective against abuse.

We use the words penis and vagina in this house, bizarre that the truth can be used as a comment in child abuse! Ignore her.

If the OP is such a stickler for the precise biological term why use the vague term "bottom" ? Does she mean buttocks? anus?

That's a good point actually. The OP insists on 'vulva' but uses it alongside 'bottom'?

Clearly the private conversation wasn't private enough if another mum and her child overheard the OP. Regardless of the used terms.

DD age 3 says vulva... I thought this was accepted now... bit surprised to see such debate about this on the feminist board and starting to feel like perhaps I've done her a disservice in using/teaching correct language! (we used the word vagina when I was a child, never had any mind of pet name)

I really hate the fact that I use penis all the time with DS but struggle to use vulva with DD. I usually use fanny or vagina because they feel more comfortable. DD is only 5 so i am hoping I will get over it by the time she is older.

My DD also gets a sore vulva so I completely get where you are coming from. YADNBU.

And I worked with kids who were sexually abused years ago and it was common for abusers to use euphemisms or give body parts actual names to make it seem more like a game and more innocent for the victims. The clearer we are about what is what, the easier it is for a child to be clear about what should and shouldn't be touched. IYSWIM

so that the skin on her bottom and vulva didn't get sore

If the OP is such a stickler for the precise biological term why use the vague term "bottom" ? Does she mean buttocks? anus?

I take your point re twee names, although I on threads on trans issues when posters are distinguishing between natal woman and trans women it is always "vaginas" or "vagina havers" , not vulva havers which are referred to. The current thread about lesbians refers to vaginas which rather suggest "vagina " is being used as a catch all term.

lass you cannot ask anything considered leading. If dc start talking about frou frou's, tinkles or front bottoms for example this isn't clear enough to be accepted as evidence so you have to get a clearer description of the body part they mean by this, without giving suggestions, putting words into their mouth or leading them. It is of course doable but it is challenging enough that it stuck in mind and reinforced the positives of clear, unambiguous medical language.

Getting the rage because someone uses vagina for the external area seems a bit extreme?

This is such an "only in Mumsnet" thing.

Ffs, just had this convo in a staff meeting, highlighting the importance of differentiating between vulvavulva vulva vulvaand vagina in SRE. Yes, safeguarding best practice. Just don't get this kind of coy crap with names of male body parts

Years of sitting through interviews trying to get dc's to use the correct terms to help move police interviews along made me determined to teach my dc the correct terms

Is it really so difficult to ask a child if they were touched inside or not?