make up and 6yo DD - what to do?

resisterpersister I think this is a really important topic. I think we all hate to think we are influenced by advertising but we are, even from an early age. Otherwise, why would there be a government plan to ban advertising junk food on TV before 9pm.

I do wear (and like make up) there does seem to be more pressure on young women to be perfectly groomed at all times. However, I don't think we know enough about the process by which (or even if) something that was an individual preference switches to becoming a societal expectation.

I would never make any assumptions about whether an adult woman was a feminist based on her appearance but I was struck that so many responses are based on personal experience rather than any research pro or anti make up for young girls.

I think your daughter is lucky that she has a thoughtful mum who is thinking about how young children absorb stereotypes. Fingers crossed the dressing up box suggestion works and it doesn't become a Big Thing.

My DD went through a phase at 14.It is more experimenting at this age.She now at almost 16 just uses a bit of mascara and brown eyeshadow if she feels like it.
Non of the women in our family wear makeup ,we've all dabbled when younger but and I expect my DD will be similar.She gave her eyeliner to a male friend.

Give it 2 days then put it up high somewhere out of sight to keep it safe. If she mentions it say she can play with it later and move on. She’ll soon forget about it. She can always use it occasionally as part of dressing up with friends. This is what we’ve done and my 6yo never asks for the 3 sets she’s received over the past few years.

Btw currently my daughter aged nearly 12 only wears stage make up for ballet performances. Totally fine with this, you have to be visible on stage.

However she is tall and after putting it on she could easily be mistaken for an older and very attractive young woman.

I wouldn't be keen for her to go out and about made up like that. I would be worried about her. She is still a kid and I feel it's best that she looks like one.

I realise that there are certain creeps that wouldn't be put off either way. But I was thinking of Mandy Smith and of how everyone assumes she was much older to start with because of her appearance.

I bet OP never let her host a teddy bears tea party because that would be reinforcing the 'women as domestics' narrative!

You clearly see the wearing of make up as a feminist line to die on. Ie make up is intrinsically bad and a sign of the patriarchy.

I have some sympathy for this view as clearly we are so often socialised to feel more comfortable/attractive/professional etc when wearing make up. But I also think that understanding we've been socialised to believe something doesn't mean we necessarily have to take a stand on each and every one of these things. Skirts, for example. Why on earth is this a woman only thing? Clearly that's socialisation at work. But I still continue to wear skirts and dresses and feel as much a feminist while doing so, even while accepting that's a society thing (and, from what I've followed of the trans argument, this is core to it - a man who wants to wear a dress shouldn't then feel he's actually a woman. there's no physical reason why a man shouldn't wear a dress).

DD loves make up. I came home the other day and she'd done a brilliant job of putting on make up - if she was going for a lovely picasso style portrait. Which, from what I can tell, she was! . She was thrilled with her blue cheeks and the lines she'd drawn in yellow from either eye. But she knows make up is actually for grown ups so she can't wear it as normal and it's certainly not something she wears to school.

She did go through a phase of telling me she wanted to wear make up to look "pretty" but I think I've nipped that in the bud with a) repeated reminders that she's pretty with or without make up b) showing her that b ing pretty isn't as important as being kind and clever and good at the things she loves. She certainly hasn't said it for a while. At least when its out in the open I can address some of the subliminal message she's picking up along the way.

Between the ages of about 12-20 I covered myself in makeup everyday and couldn't bear to be seen without it. And it wasn't because I was expressing myself, or being creative, it was because I though I was disgusting and needed to hide my flaws. It was just a small part of my teenage self-loathing of my body, my face, my voice, basically everything about myself, that caused years of misery and self-destructive behaviour. Now with 20 years' perspective I can understand where a lot of these feelings came from, but at the time I had no analysis of patriarchal culture, I only had the relentless message that I needed fixing on every level. I've no idea if having a mum who talked to me more about this stuff, and helped me critique what was going on around me, might have helped or not, but she didn't. She just thought I was a bit vain and incomprehensible.
I don't know if any of that helps the OP, I just wanted to offer a different perspective to all those saying makeup isn't harmful.

I have had almost exactly the same experience. Aged 3 or 4 (I think) my daughter was given a giant make up set by relatives.

I said thank you then threw it away after they left. She was upset for about 5 minutes but I think I distracted her by saying she could watch a movie.

I allowed princess dresses but drew the line at fake heels and make up.

She also wanted a Barbie doll. I bought one in the end because I remember my mother saying I couldn't have one and that made me want one even more. Anyway I just bought a single doll with no extra accessories or outfits.

She played with it for a bit. Then it was forgotten about and given away.

At the moment she is nearly 12. She isn't for the moment particularly obsessed by her appearance but I guess that could all change.

Not sure what approach you should take. Just sharing my own experience.

You're looking at it with adult eyes. She's six. It's dress up, role play, imaginative play. No different from butterfly face paint, Spider-Man costume, pretending to give teddy some home made 'cake'.

Why are you even having conversation about women wearing make up at her age? Leave that till she's older!

do try to encourage get to get something fun like a cat and not a boring old princess though

why should princesses be boring? OP, i think you are the kind of feminist that looks down on what are perceived as 'feminine interests''.Feminism is about choice, and tbh you aren't a true feminist for pointing out flaws on other women about the CHOICES they have CHOSEN to make.

My son and daughter both played with and loved make up. It's fun, face painting joy for them, I wouldn't dream of forbidding it, that would be so miserable and miss the point.

Being insecure and needing to wear make up is such a different thing than being five years old and joyfully drawing on your face/hands/body.

My cousin had a good rule for if her DD got makeup or overly grown-up clothes when she was pre-teen - they could be used for 'dress up'/playing at home, but not wearing out and about.

Children do it all the time.

Children wear make-up as body art "all the time"? Not in my world. Children occasionally get face paints painted onto them and look like tigers and superheroes and fairies.

In any case, your comment, based on the reference to choices about clothing and jewellery, appeared to be about adults.

do try to encourage get to get something fun like a cat and not a boring old princess though

I'm struggling to think of anything more lazy, more pointless and more selfish than my 3 cats- much as I love them.

You are letting your prejudices show - why is a princess automatically old and boring? There are plenty of princesses in fiction and real life who aren't/weren't.

I would put boundaries on it. Yes, she can play with it at home, like dress ups. No, she cannot wear it out of the house/to school. I would explain to her that makeup is just for play for kids, and that if she wants to wear it when she's older that will be up to her. Right now, it's up to you and you say no. Simple.

I hate make-up, no I never allowed my daughter to have any. She's a teen now and kind of curious but mostly ambivalent. We also didn't allow the pink explosion (my dd was more often in yellow or red, her favourite colours) and no barbie ever. No, it didn't become a thing. I'm very glad we were those annoying parents. I very rarely wear make-up and have hardly any around (1 tinted moisturizer, 1 eye liner pencil)

I would have taken it away in front of the cousins and just said oh we don't have that in this house. Nip it in the bud. She'll be getting more for Christmas now. As she's played with it I think you need to explain to her why you don't want her to have it. Don't just disappear it, but do take it off her.

I always find it a bit depressing to see feminists looking down their noses at feminine interests. It reminds me of how I used to sneer at the brilliant seamstresses in my family, at my mum's love for knitting and at my aunties for their weekly shampoo and sets. In my defence I was only about 13.

I do get your concerns about the beauty industry and the liars and charlatans getting rich through playing on our insecurities. Even though I wear make up myself, I'm often at the amount of effort that goes into 'basic grooming' these days. But whether you approve or not, a lot of women genuinely derive immense pleasure from make up, and your daughter may turn out to be one of them.

I would carry on talking to her about your concerns, in age appropriate language: 'Have you noticed it's mostly women who do this - why do you think it is?' 'This takes a lot of time, doesn't it, would you really want to do every day?' As you say, you're already doing it anyway.

Sorry I don’t see the issue and think it would have the opposite effect to make it into one. It doesn’t have to go from saying make up is ok at 6 to not being able to go out without makeup as an adult .

I like wearing makeup because it makes me look visibly better. Why is that an issue?

For what it's worth - many men do wear make up for reasons other than "making a statement."

I know at least 7 men who wear make up regularly, all different reasons.
Three are make up artists for department shops and salons, they wear it because they enjoy it and it showcases their talents to potential clients.
One is a drag queen.
The other three had/have severe acne, and make up makes their scars less noticeable.

So am I not a feminist if I enjoy wearing make up? I don't wear it for other people, I know people don't give a shit about my red skin. I'm also capable of leaving the house with a bare face. There's nothing un-feminist about being feminine.

If it makes any difference, my two young boys enjoy playing with my make up brushes, and DS1 has his toenails painted regularly.

He came home from school a while back parroting that pink was just for girls. I just said "oh really?" and got out my pink nail varnish and started painting my nails. He soon sat next to me and wiggled his toes in my direction

IMO make up for children should only be for play and dressing up. But if she likes it, why is it so wrong if you're teaching her body positivity/to be confident in her own skin anyway?

Oi

Op, I would let your DD get on with it, she’s very young and she will tire of it quickly, if she’s plastering it on like you say she is then it will be used up anyway soon.
I am a feminist all the way. I also have long hair, wear very feminine dresses, heels, make up and perfume, it doesn’t make me any less of a feminist.
My adult DD is also a feminist, as a child she liked dressing up in fairy dresses, painting her nails and had a really blingy glittery pink bedroom (her choice)
She has what is considered a male job (farrier) and stands her own trust me! Out of work she wears feminine clothes and make up.
For me being a feminist is about MY choices. I like being a woman and women should be free to present themselves how THEY choose.
A woman who chooses to have short hair, wear no make up, no jewellery and dress in a T shirt and jeans is no more a feminist than me.

That's for the op

You're still making a fuss about nothing.

Honestly. It's bank holiday Monday, crack open the wine or something productive.