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Original poster

make up and 6yo DD - what to do?

333 replies

resisterpersister · 27/05/2019 11:25

Please help me deal with this situation!

DD's cousins came to visit yesterday, and gave 6yo DD a make up set. The cousins rarely visit and I didn't feel up to souring the visit by rejecting the gift in front of them. So she spent yesterday with her cousins, covering themselves with make up. She bloody loves it. First thing she did this morning? Put more make up on.

Lots of DD's classmates are allowed to play with make up, but she knows I won't buy it for her. I don't wear it myself. I talk to her in an age appropriate way about why I don't like make up and don't wear it.

If it was up to me, this would never have come in the house! But it's here now. I could just take it away, but I'm worried that'll make it into a huge thing, I'm not sure if that'll achieve anything other than make her want it more and feel she's been treated unjustly (and, oh, do I remember the times I felt my parents were being unjust to me!)

I suppose I could let her play with it for a few days till she forgets about it and then quietly "lose" it. (Is that cowardly?)

I could impose boundaries around it (what?). She's already said she wants to wear it to school every day and I've said errr... no!

We've been talking a bit about why adults wear make up, and I've told her about how if you wear make up every day, it's a bit like it casts a spell on you and you feel you can't go outside without wearing it, and we talked about how much of a pain that would be if her friend came round to ask her to play, but she missed out because she couldn't just leave the house.

What do I do, oh wise FWR women? I want to just throw the bloody thing away, but I'm worried about creating a bigger deal out of it and making it an even greater object of desire!

The age on the box say 5+ Angry. Who makes this stuff FFS?

OP posts:
sleepismysuperpower1 · 27/05/2019 12:22

If we want things to change, we need to change them, not just passively consume them.

I understand that, and do push for this kind of change. But surely you need balance? What kind of toys do you prefer your daughter to play with?

Original poster
resisterpersister · 27/05/2019 12:21

you can't compare makeup with racism

Why not? The way make up is normally used, is all about women conforming to sexist stereotypes.

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rededucator · 27/05/2019 12:20

Remind her that once it's used up that's it finished as you won't be buying her any more. Then she might put it away to save for best and hopefully forget all about it!

Original poster
resisterpersister · 27/05/2019 12:19

i have seen a lot of adverts on the tv of girls and boys playing together with new action figures

I would imagine that is, in part, due to the work of organisations such as Let Toys Be Toys, pushing the toy industry to be less sexist, and demonstrating there is consumer demand for less sexist toy marketing. These things don't just happen by accident. If we want things to change, we need to change them, not just passively consume them.

(Disclaimer, I don't work in the toy industry!)

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Justhadathought · 27/05/2019 12:19

I don't own or use a mobile phone or smart phone, and have to admit to serious concern about what my granddaughter will be exposed to in that culture. For me, keeping her away from mobile phones and smart phones etc for as long as possible - would be more important than not letting her experiment with pretty things.

sleepismysuperpower1 · 27/05/2019 12:16

What would you do if a relative bought your child a gift that you thought was wholly inappropriate and based on values you disagreed with, but which your child loved?

it would depend what the toy was. i do understand your view on makeup, and I understand your reasoning. I just think that portraying it as a bad thing is just as negative as allowing the use of it. it's not like she is caking her face in it, she is just putting some colour on her eyelids.

junebirthdaygirl · 27/05/2019 12:15

I am late 50s. When l was a child in the 60s l watched my auntie prepare for parties with long painted nails and lots of make up. The whole scenario took ages. It was most weekends. I adored it and couldn't wait to grow up.
I have never worn make up. I am confident enough and have always been in how l look. One episode or experience wont make your dd. Stop panicking.
My sil was never allowed make up/ earrings etc. She is obsessed. Has the largest collection l have seen.
Give your dd lots of experiences and focus on fun/ exercise/ sport/ education etc and she will be fine. Have confidence in your own parenting. Pretend play is fun and part of development.
If she senses you making a fuss she will be more attracted to it.

Sunkisses · 27/05/2019 12:15

I really feel for you. I had the same dilemma when my DD was invited to a school friend's 'pamper party' aged 6. I had no idea what a pamper party was and when I made enquires I was horrified to learn they'd have a make up artist there who'd do the girls hair, nails and make up. Aged 6! Girls are force fed a constant diet of messages that their role in life is to be decorative. It was the absolute last thing I wanted my DD to go to but it'd be a massive snub to her friend if she didn't go. I told my DD if the reasons I was uncomfortable about it (that she is so much more than her looks, and she is beautiful just as she is). In the end I stayed for a bit and it was the most boring party ever. None of the girls were interested in sitting still for ages and just wanted to chase balloons around the garden. It was all the mums who were pushing it, not the girls. When the beautician asked my DD if she wanted her gorgeous curly hair straightened (!), she replied 'no thanks, I love my curly hair!'

Justhadathought · 27/05/2019 12:15

I'm a strong, capable and articulate woman, and I wear mascara and paint my toes. I have short hair, though, and feel much more myself with it short, than with with it long ( which I feel too many women still cleave to...). I just wash my hair and go. No faffing. But I do like pendants, and I have pierced ears, in which I wear simple studs. I wear skirts a lot. I love fit-flops in sparkly colours, and I like boots. I have not worn heels, though, since I was 15. I wear a bra.

I think we can work out what we like as individuals if we are allowed to develop our own tastes and values. I've experimented a lot in my life, and now feel very confident in my self. We're all different.

sleepismysuperpower1 · 27/05/2019 12:14

would you say the same thing that encouraged racial stereotypes

no, because we as adults know that racism is a wrong and horrible thing. you can't compare makeup with racism

Original poster
resisterpersister · 27/05/2019 12:14

OK, put it another way.

What would you do if a relative bought your child a gift that you thought was wholly inappropriate and based on values you disagreed with, but which your child loved?

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sleepismysuperpower1 · 27/05/2019 12:13

You aren't ever going to get away from this marketing though, as you said, it is everywhere. My dds are mostly influenced by their older siblings and nursery friends, and currently their favorite game is 'cowboys', in which they and their friends run around with cowboy hats and princess dresses on, 'lassoing' pretend 'baddies'. It does get worse as they get older, and yes, they do get sucked into crazes, but I genuinely think that everything has to be in balance and so you can't just go ahead and buy gender neutral toys, because they will want something to talk about at school, all be it the new doll or dinosaur.
you will know more about advertising than me, because that is the line of work you are in, but i have seen a lot of adverts on the tv of girls and boys playing together with new action figures etc.

Original poster
resisterpersister · 27/05/2019 12:12

She can be free to play and experiment, and to find out what she likes and doesn't like, and still be encouraged to be a strong and independent woman at the same time.

Would you say the same about toys that encouraged racist stereotypes? (eg gollywogs)

For me, being a feminist is more than raising girls to be strong and independent within a sexist soociety.

It's about actively working to dismantle damaging patriarchal systems that keep women and girls down. The beauty myth is one such system.

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Singleandproud · 27/05/2019 12:09

Let her play with it inside the house and wash it off after.

My DD (9 now) loves playing with makeup, its the only girly thing she does, hates pink, has a very short pixie cut and shops mostly from the 'blue' section in shops. But she enjoys using makeup and face paints. We also had a very famous (male) make-up artist in the family who pioneered many of the special effects and prosthetics used in movies today so we also look at it from that perspective.

dancemom · 27/05/2019 12:09

If you feel that strongly about it take it away.

Personally I wouldn't get worked up over it. No different from putting clips in her hair or plaits or whatever.

Does she stick stickers on things? Colour in pictures?

It's just all arts / crafts / decorating to me 🤷🏻‍♀️

Justhadathought · 27/05/2019 12:05

Please can I ask, are people posting from a feminist perspective?

I certainly am. For me being a feminist means that women and girls are valued just as much as boys and men, and that we should be able to do, and express, anything which we like or have an aptitude for.

I'm also practical and realistic, and realise that there are two sexes, and that we live in a society which pushes certain roles and stereotypes- it is difficult, if not impossible, to avoid that - and your daughter is of an age when she already is aware of this, even if not consciously articulated.

She can be free to play and experiment, and to find out what she likes and doesn't like, and still be encouraged to be a strong and independent woman at the same time. She will model and experiement with what she sees around her, anyway - and what she is exposed to - including what she sees you doing.

sleepismysuperpower1 · 27/05/2019 12:04

ok, well we can agree to disagree. you could just call it makeup and put in the dressing up box as a pp suggested

Original poster
resisterpersister · 27/05/2019 12:03

at the end of the day its what the child is drawn too

Apologies, but this is very naive. We live in a consumer culture where millions is spent on advertising products at children. You're in good company not recognising the effect it has on us though, most people like to think advertising and marketing doesn't affect them or their DC They're wrong. It is a force that shapes our culture.

Have you seen the advertising aimed at kids in apps for example? There are so many ads for games aimed at young girls, that are about make up, fashion or appearance in one way or another. Even if you don't let your DC watch ads or play games on phones or computers, the culture reaches them second hand, through other DC in the playground.

Children are drawn to the things they like, and the things society tells them to like - this is a massive influence even if you don't see it and even on DC as young as 3.

OP posts:
Original poster
resisterpersister · 27/05/2019 11:55

letting her put on a little bit of eyeshadow and lipgloss every now and then won't make her dependent on makeup for the rest of her life

No, but it is leading her down that path.

We don't give kids gollywogs as toys any more as we recognise they're based on hideous stereotypes.

I feel the same about make up.

And it's not just owning it, she's being indoctrinated into the culture of it - learning how to apply it and to enjoy looking at herself in the mirror with it on. This is powerful stuff.

(I work in marketing, I well know how easily influenced we all are!)

OP posts:
sleepismysuperpower1 · 27/05/2019 11:54

I am posting from a feminist perspective, yes. i view makeup as harmless, because while you can buy gender neutral toys etc, at the end of the day its what the child is drawn too. i have 3 year old twin girls, and if they wanted a toy car, i would just as happily buy that as a fairy doll. just make sure she has a variety of toys and treat it like any other toy.

sleepismysuperpower1 · 27/05/2019 11:51

I think taking it away will make it a thing. just view it the same way as any other toy. letting her put on a little bit of eyeshadow and lipgloss every now and then won't make her dependent on makeup for the rest of her life. if you really feel the need, call them facepaints and use them for dress up

Original poster
resisterpersister · 27/05/2019 11:51

Please can I ask, are people posting from a feminist perspective?

I think make up is damaging (mentally, physically and socially). I really hope my DD doesn't feel the need to wear it as an adult.

I think giving make up to young girls isn't harmless, I think it's indoctrination into a whole world of beauty-myth bullshit for girls.

But - I'm also pragmatic. I know I can't force my DD to think as I do! I can only share my opinions and reasoning, and encourage her to think critically.

However I know there's a huge amount of advertising and marketing aimed at her, to indoctrinate her into measuring her value by her appearance, and I don't like it one bit. My instinct is to resist it. I'd love some advice as to how best to do this.

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Original poster
resisterpersister · 27/05/2019 11:42

My 6 year old DD was also given some as a gift so I rebranded it as ‘face paints’ and we put it in the dressing up box.

That sounds wise.

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Original poster
resisterpersister · 27/05/2019 11:41

she can most definitely leave the house without makeup

Good for her. But a lot of adult women feel very uncomfortable without it, some to the point of not leaving the house.

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Original poster
resisterpersister · 27/05/2019 11:35

I think I'd take it away until she's older.

I dunno... how much older? Doesn't that make is an object of desire, that I'm denying her?

(I think I'd maybe rather bin in on the sly!)

I wanted pierced ears when I was 6. My mum said I wasn't old enough, that they were for secondary age kids. I didn't forget! As soon as I turned 11 I demanded pierced ears, I'd not forgotten!

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