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Original poster

First period advice

86 replies

Motheroffeminists · 28/04/2019 16:49

Hi, I wasn't sure where to put this but know I'll get good advice on here.
My daughter is 12 and just started her first period. She's been prepared for years but is a bit tearful about it and freaking out about school tomorrow. She's in year 7. I've had previous threads about the unisex toilets at her school so dealing with her first period in shared toilets won't be fun. She understandably doesn't want to go to school tomorrow. She isn't precious about anything but this has thrown her.
She's also due at her dad's for contact tomorrow and has a swimming lesson. She doesn't want to go to his because she's embarrassed and doesn't want him to know. He's not a very nice man and we have a court order for contact so he would kick off if she didn't go.
How can I handle this for the best?

OP posts:
Broken11Girl · 29/04/2019 07:45

Oh bless her and you Flowers
Can you text her dad, or e-mail. Totally short and to the point. DD is unwell so will not be able to attend contact, she will see you next contact date, regards Motheroffeminists, phone off or block. Call police if he comes round and bangs on the door etc, or sends abusive messages. He can take you to court, they won't give a shit, she was ill. I'm sorry he's a twat Flowers

Original poster
Motheroffeminists · 29/04/2019 07:36

@stucknoue he's a very abusive man who I'm generally NC with. "Just calling him" will lead to a load of verbal abuse and threats.

OP posts:
stucknoue · 29/04/2019 07:36

And from a mum of two older teens, I found playing it down worked really well, we were just matter of fact, periods are part of being a woman. Our bathroom drawer has both pads and tampons which I keep stocked and they could experiment with tampons when they were ready (this is when the internet is great, dd simply looked for a video rather than having to ask me how to insert). No big deal, no special meals but they got pack of period pants each as for sport especially they give more protection

Original poster
Motheroffeminists · 29/04/2019 07:34

Thank you. I'm going to show her the period pants and see what she thinks and let her eat a pot noodle and a Mars bars or two if she stops feeling sick.
I'm dreading the communication with her dad. He goes nuts if she's off school sick even though she's only ever off if genuinely unwell.He thinks I say she's unwell as some sort of control thing. Just like he used to accuse me of having an endometriosis flare up just so he couldn't go out on the piss with his mates as he needed to look after dd when a baby Hmm

OP posts:
stucknoue · 29/04/2019 07:27

It's the 21st century, can't you just call him, explain she is feeling a bit down and confused because of her first period and that she can't go swimming. He's her dad he'll either say sit and watch or stay home

SarahTancredi · 29/04/2019 07:19

Oh the poor thing. Its stressful enough without having to worry about her dad being a dick and not having an age space at school.

Its heartbreaking how much contempt there is for women and girls ..always having to suck something up in the name of pandering to men.

CakeBrew

Original poster
Motheroffeminists · 29/04/2019 07:15

She feels rubbish this morning so definitely no school. She feels really sick and had bad tummy ache. Her dad usually picks her up from school and will hit the roof if she doesn't go Sad

OP posts:
SlipperyLizard · 29/04/2019 06:57

I started my periods at primary school (age 9/10) and started using tampons pretty soon so I could go swimming. My mum was pretty matter of fact about it, and there’s no reason why a younger girl can’t use them.

If she can use tampons she may not need to tell her dad (I’d have hated mine knowing too, although he was distant rather than abusive). She could wrap the applicator in loo roll and drop it in the kitchen bin.

Washable pads might be an idea for school, as they are quiet so no rustling (I remember the fear of anyone hearing, and the oh so gentle closing of the sanitary bin lid!). I’ve used the cheeky wipes ones but they wriggled around a lot, but may have improved (or it might just be me!).

Period pants look ace, too.

ZebrasAreBras · 29/04/2019 01:21

I wouldn't bat an eyelid at her having the day off school for her first period - I remember mine, and you feel crampy, washed out, and generally just a bit in shock.

I was also going to link to those cheeky wipes period pants too- I'm getting some for my DD11 in readiness... They seem like such a great idea, and should last the whole school day - so no toilet issues.

taeglas · 29/04/2019 00:29

For world earth day cheecky wipes are offering 25% off a list of products including period pants until Thursday May 2nd.
www.cheekywipes.com/special-offer.html
The discount is added after you add items to basket. You can only use one discount code at a time so can't use this along with the 10% sign up to newsletter discount.
Buy the smallest size. Their sizes come up large for the lace top version. I sized down after reading reviews.
This was the thread I read on here last November
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3433032-AIBU-period-proof-underwear-cant-be-100-leakproof
They have since introduced a bikini sport style period pants which might be a better style for a teenager.
I have very heavy periods and bought as a backup for my menstural cup or to use on lighter days. They are very comfortable to wear.

Gingerkittykat · 28/04/2019 22:43

Cake For your daughter, I think she will appreciate it more than flowers.

There's been a couple of threads about period pants where you will be able to get more info.

Oncewasblueandyellow · 28/04/2019 22:07

Aw Motheroffeminists so you should keep her off school then if shes poorly. She sounds like a great girl with a great mam. Oh and one of my best first period memories was getting a new matching pants and bra set. Just something I always remember and will do for mine when they come to that point.

Cheekyfeckery · 28/04/2019 21:49

Poor child, it’s rubbish isn’t it? Even worse that it has to be all about her dad - he sounds awful.

Personally I’d keep her off if it’s possible mainly because she needs to adjust and get used to it. And because things sound pretty shitty for her.

Original poster
Motheroffeminists · 28/04/2019 21:40

Period pants! Awesome! I didn't know they existed. I hated pads as a child as they were so bulky and was desperate to use tampons but my mum wasn't keen. Do any of you use them and can you recommend any? She's quite teeny and in age 11 knickers from M&S.

I feel a little emotional too about all this. She's my eldest and the first one to start. It seems so long ago that I started mine (32 years!) and it's yet another milestone of her growing up. Her going to high school was such a big thing and now this. Every milestone is celebrated in our house though and I'm very proud of her. She's a feisty one with very strong opinions and is a budding feminist with a clear sense of right and wrong and no tolerance for nonsense. She is currently curled up with a hot water bottle and has needed paracetamol and ibuprofen for the pain which has intensified since this afternoon. She feels sick too and has a bad headache. She's pretty stoic about it though. I have endometriosis and have pain every day in addition to awful periods and she's always been really supportive when I've felt rubbish so I'll be spoiling her a little. She's already mentioned pot noodles, mars bars and coke!

OP posts:
titsmcgee · 28/04/2019 21:25

Could you buy her a few pairs of period pants? That gets her over a bit of a hurdle for school hours (though doesn't solve the shared facilities issue, which is just ridiculous, nor swimming). But might save a little inhibition/embarrassment regarding school attendance

Original poster
Motheroffeminists · 28/04/2019 19:44

Fgs Lass, do you not remember being 12? Everything is embarrassing. There's boys for a start. And boobs and periods and it's all new and takes adjusting to especially when you know your dad and his gf won't allow you any privacy over anything.
I'm a nurse. They've known about periods since age 6. They know about sex and bodily functions and don't bat an eye normally but this is a big thing for her now that it's happening to her. I gave her a happy hug and congratulated her. She's not embarrassed. She just doesn't like it and doesn't feel comfortable with her dad knowing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Motheroffeminists · 28/04/2019 19:38

Exactly. Nothing she tells him is ever kept private so his gf and their eleventy billion kids will be told. There's also no bin in the bathroom there. His gf chucks tampons and plastic applicators down the loo Hmm

He will be told but when he needs to know. we are very open about these things in our house but your dad knowing is a bit different especially when he'll tell everyone. I'd also hate for the gf to push her into using tampons before she's ready. She bought her bra tops before she'd even got any breast buds a few years back and I was not happy. She oversteps the mark massively. Dd hates her. I'm just glad it started when she was with me and not at his or school.

OP posts:
LassOfFyvie · 28/04/2019 19:38

Periods are normal. The OP's daughter has already got the idea that they are embarrassing.

LangCleg · 28/04/2019 19:27

Bless her, she's calmed down now but still doesn't want to go to school. I've said we'll see how she is in the morning but I'll be encouraging her to go if she's ok. She hasn't got PE so that's a relief for her. She's asked me to tell her dad but to wait until tomorrow in case it stops and we don't need to tell him anything.

She sounds like a lovely kid.

You do need to tell him. Sorry but no matter how upset she might be you should not be validating the idea that periods can't be mentioned.

Oh, FGS, Lass. Nobody's saying that. Dad, especially if unstable and aggressive at times, doesn't have to be told in ten seconds flat. The poor kid is allowed a bit of time to get used to the idea.

LassOfFyvie · 28/04/2019 19:17

She's asked me to tell her dad but to wait until tomorrow in case it stops and we don't need to tell him anything

You do need to tell him. Sorry but no matter how upset she might be you should not be validating the idea that periods can't be mentioned. Her father should know and absolutely will have to know if he intends taking her swimming. It's going to come up every 4 weeks more or less.

Goosefoot · 28/04/2019 19:14

Yes, I think it just makes more sense to tell her dad. That being said, I would not be above taking a sick day - I think "dealing with new body related thing" falls under that. As far as her father goes though it just pushes the problem back a bit.

She could start practicing with a tampon when she is home if she is going to be in swimming regularly. Some 12 year olds do ok with them - my 14 year old did at that age, it's not her preference but she will use them for swimming.
I would look into the new period panties and swimsuits too. I haven't tried them but I have heard great reviews.

Original poster
Motheroffeminists · 28/04/2019 19:11

Bless her, she's calmed down now but still doesn't want to go to school. I've said we'll see how she is in the morning but I'll be encouraging her to go if she's ok. She hasn't got PE so that's a relief for her. She's asked me to tell her dad but to wait until tomorrow in case it stops and we don't need to tell him anything.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 28/04/2019 18:35

Poor kid shouldn't be worrying about a selfish man making her go swiming or stay at his house go with the upset stomach it isn't really lying as such she has enough to deal with

titchy · 28/04/2019 18:35

Ah fair enough Lang Blush

LangCleg · 28/04/2019 18:29

It is if he forces her to swim!

See the advice in my first comment on the thread.

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