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Original poster

First period advice

86 replies

Motheroffeminists · 28/04/2019 16:49

Hi, I wasn't sure where to put this but know I'll get good advice on here.
My daughter is 12 and just started her first period. She's been prepared for years but is a bit tearful about it and freaking out about school tomorrow. She's in year 7. I've had previous threads about the unisex toilets at her school so dealing with her first period in shared toilets won't be fun. She understandably doesn't want to go to school tomorrow. She isn't precious about anything but this has thrown her.
She's also due at her dad's for contact tomorrow and has a swimming lesson. She doesn't want to go to his because she's embarrassed and doesn't want him to know. He's not a very nice man and we have a court order for contact so he would kick off if she didn't go.
How can I handle this for the best?

OP posts:
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BlackeyedGruesome · 15/05/2019 17:01

Did you contact the school nurse? Or her GP about her not drinking?

Original poster
Motheroffeminists · 15/05/2019 16:52

I think it's a cop out and making my dd the issue rather than the issue being the failure of the school to provide appropriate facilities and abide by sex segregation legislation. It's drawing attention to dd and making her feel awkward.

OP posts:
bellinisurge · 15/05/2019 16:50

Tempted to say "sounds like deliberately not believing women and girls who are saying their expectations of private space are being ignored ". But ...How does your dd feel about this suggested solution, op?

Original poster
Motheroffeminists · 15/05/2019 16:47

School have offered her a pass to use the accessible toilets and have denied that boy's are using the girls' cubicles.

OP posts:
Grimbles · 15/05/2019 14:23

I thought contact was supposed to be for the benefit of the child Sad

Original poster
Motheroffeminists · 15/05/2019 08:42

@VickyEadie thank you, I'll PM you later. Yesterday it was 20 degrees and she barely drank all day and wouldn't use the toilets because the boys had again been going over to the girls' side and using their loos. I've alerted the HT but need to follow this is and cite legislation and copy in the education department.

OP posts:
JQBased · 30/04/2019 14:48

Unisex toilets - another degenerate idea from sick perverts. Just say she is not going, end of discussion.

Original poster
Motheroffeminists · 30/04/2019 09:49

I've been down that road a few times @Babdoc and the court have insisted she have contact. This is a girl who a few years back was carried out of the house by him kicking and screaming so that the neighbours came out to see if we were ok. DD slapped him across the face and kicked him in the balls but he still forced her into the car and banged her head in the process. Ss and the courts and carcass believe the issue is between me and him 🙄 They are crap when it comes to DV. She's counting the days until she no longer has to go. He says it's me that doesn't want her to see him and that i put her up to all this stuff.
She's gone to school today and is adjusting well now bless her. I've had a word with the school nurse in case she turns up there feeling unwell.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 30/04/2019 09:25

If DD herself doesn’t want contact with her father, would it be worth you seeing a solicitor for some proper legal advice about when she is entitled to refuse contact?
And if he’s been abusive (kicking the door etc), could you insist that any contact has to be supervised?

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 29/04/2019 17:09

Oh OP I'm sorry for such a tricky situation, I think I'd keep my daughter off in this situation too. If she hates contact, at what age can kids just say 'no'? It seems beyond cruel to make them go if they don't want to.

As far as the school toilets go, i thought single sex was a legal requirement above age 8 in schools? In your shoes I'd be tempted to splash out on a solicitors letter explaining this. I would also be tempted to keep my DD home during her period until they provided adequate toilet facilities in line with the law, but I'm in a position to home school if it came to it so I understand not everyone can do that. At the very least, I do think schools need to know when their mixed sex policies are causing such distress in their female students.

OhHolyJesus · 29/04/2019 17:02

Just coming on again to say cheeky wipes have pads and period pants and their 25% offer ends tomorrow I think! They might not be right for her but though I'd mention x

Original poster
Motheroffeminists · 29/04/2019 16:58

She likes the idea of period pants so I'll get her some.
In the end I told her I'd have to tell him. He was strangely nice on the phone. That's because he's after more time that wasn't agree at court. That's a whole other thread though!

She has to go to contact. The judge has made that very clear and gave an example of a 15 year old who was told by court she had to see her dad. I've been told that once she's 14 that she'll have more say and no one can force her but who knows.

OP posts:
Cheekyfeckery · 29/04/2019 16:50

If he kicks off about this situation I’d be inclined to let him take me to court. No court would think you are being unreasonable.

bellinisurge · 29/04/2019 16:41

For school- There are also period pants - Modibodi do a teen range. Or Wuka. I slowly but surely built up a little stash of about 4 period pants (they are around £20 each). Dd is using them for school now she has started. You can also buy cloth pads or better still make them. Look up Precious Stars Pads on YouTube for some straight talking but ever so nice vlogs on reusables.
As for her dad and swimming- I would pull a sickie this time but, frankly, he needs to know that she also has periods to manage and she gets to decide how to do that.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 29/04/2019 16:33

Aw, your poor DD. Hope she's feeling better soon.

I echo the recs for cloth pads - although then there is the issue of what to do with the used ones. I just got a set that came with a washable bag, which might solve that problem.

They won't rustle at all and are enormously comfortable and comforting - far better than plastic disposables. I wish I'd known about them a hundred years ago.

In the larger picture: I'm so sorry about your ex. This sounds like an intolerable situation. Does DD want to see him? Does she have to? When can she decide not to? At what point will a court say she doesn't have to see someone who doesn't seem to have her best interests in mind?

Best wishes to both of you, I wish you didn't have all that crap to negotiate. x

Cheekyfeckery · 29/04/2019 16:14

I don’t think it’s helpful not to tell him - it’ll just look like your DD is making an excuse surely? I know she doesn’t want him to know - but it’s nothing to be ashamed of (easy for me to say of course).

He’s going to kick off whatever you do from the sounds of it.

You might as well just give him the facts and block him.

I really do feel for you OP. It’s no way to have to live your lives, putting his tantrums first. What a knob.

TabbyTurmoil · 29/04/2019 16:05

I seriously recommend looking at cloth pads with her to see if she would use them - I hated plastic pads, used tampons for years but can't use anything internal post childbirth so switched to cloth and it's fab in every way - environment, comfort, cost (in the long term). I really like Honour Your Flow wool backed (almost plastic free) but if you look on Facebook and Etsy you can find just about anything you can imagine- Harry Potter, unicorns, talking uterus etc.

No rustling, and she could take a mini wet bag with her to her dad's so they wouldn't have to know.

FermatsTheorem · 29/04/2019 15:21

Keep a detailed written record of what he says and does. If he's likely to take you to court over what he perceives to be blocked access, he could find himself hoist on his own petard. Your daughter is old enough now that a judge would take her opinion into account, and using her first period as ammunition to exhibit controlling and abusive behaviour would be looked on very dimly.

Original poster
Motheroffeminists · 29/04/2019 14:25

He's kicked off about her being off school as predicted. She really doesn't want me to explain to him the reason bar tummy ache, sick, feels unwell which means she'll have to explain when he pushes her about swimming. He's such a twat. I've re-blocked him.

OP posts:
Cheekyfeckery · 29/04/2019 10:35

I would text him, tell him she’s started her periods, isn’t well, isn’t at school and will be staying put. Then I’d block him for a couple of days.

I’ve done this a couple of times to avoid conflict.

Cheekyfeckery · 29/04/2019 10:33

Have you had any counselling or support Motheroffeminists? I found it very helpful to give me strength to deal with XH.

Original poster
Motheroffeminists · 29/04/2019 09:17

Aw she keeps telling me she thinks it's stopped then restarted so I've had to explain to her it's not a constant flow and can stop and start a bit. She doesn't want to try tampons yet which is understandable. I'm going to brave the call to her dad in a bit 😩 He's not the brightest spark and took them to a shopping mall when the youngest had chicken pox with new spots still appearing. And took her to the park when she had a stomach bug and had been vomiting a couple of hours earlier. Doesn't get why being in bed with a chest infection should mean you can't go to a party.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 29/04/2019 09:07

Cant you tell him that shes started her period and cant do swimming?
He needs to know

LangCleg · 29/04/2019 09:04

She feels rubbish this morning so definitely no school. She feels really sick and had bad tummy ache. Her dad usually picks her up from school and will hit the roof if she doesn't go

Flowers for you both.

I hope today goes okay. Perhaps contact won't be so bad if she doesn't have to cope with swimming as well? (See my first post in the thread).

Mrsjayy · 29/04/2019 08:16

I don't understand how the courts think sending kids to an abusive parent is for the good of the child all that teaches children is you need to put up with shite to keep adults happy and withintheir rights

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