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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Advice on raising a daughter

61 replies

FatherWantingAdvice · 27/04/2019 23:55

First time posting on mumsnet and hoping I’m putting this in the right place.

My wife and I are expecting our first child, a daughter. As you’d imagine, I’m very excited (and nervous) and have been reading all the books and online articles about newborns and toddlers...however since we’ve found out we are expecting a girl I’ve found myself with a growing interest in equality and feminism (I realise I really should of always had this interest but selfishly, if I’m honest, I haven’t) and, through further reading, understanding how early some of the gender stereotypes and expectations can become ingrained in young girls (I originally thought, naively that it wouldn’t be until teenage years that real damage could be done).

Essentially I’m hoping for some advice, I’ve read a number of articles and watched some documentaries, however, as mumsnet is comprised of predominantly women Who will know far far more about this then I ever could... I wanted to ask for your advice, tips, pointers, loved experiences or anything else you deem relevant to help a father try and ensure his words and actions help raise a girl who feels empowered and able to be anything she wants to be, pursue anything she wants to pursue.

Apologies this has become a far longer post than intended. In summary, in a modern world striving for equality, what should a father, and man in general, be doing/saying etc?

Any advice welcomed

OP posts:
Weenurse · 28/04/2019 07:34

Read to her, many studies say Dad’s reading to children has a huge positive impact on the child. Mum’s reading to child does not. 🙁

user1498572889 · 28/04/2019 07:27

Just raise your child to know that they can be anything they want and can do anything they want to. To be kind and to be thoughtful. If your child wants to play with dolls cars trains or dig dirt in the garden that’s fine. If they want to wear a pink tutu or a hard hat and superman slippers that is also fine. Just raise a child with a huge sense of its own self worth and you won’t go far wrong. There are large obsticles that any child boy or girl has to overcome as long as they know that their gender isn’t one of them and they have a loving encouraging family that they can talk to you are doing all you can.

ICJump · 28/04/2019 06:22

Love her mother, not just in a romance way, but truely love her for who she is as a person.
Do your share of house work (without asking for recognition)
Do your share of the mental load (without asking for recognition)
Let she,her,woman be your default language.

Erythronium · 28/04/2019 01:06

Don't watch porn. Never have porn in the house.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/04/2019 00:55

As well as listening to his wife, there are other things.

Notice how often you say 'he'. In children's books, when you look at animals, when you see a group of children on TV. There are many more boys than girls. So call every dog, cat, worm, bird you see 'she'. Watch things like My Little Pony with her where the female characters are effective and different. Not the Smurfs or Paw Patrol where the girls are a sexist pink afterthought and 'female' is a character type. Have a favourite pony yourself.

Tell her she's strong and kind and interesting and funny, not beautiful all the time. Be interested in what she is interested. Don't encourage 'boys' things more than 'girls' because you value them more. Or vice versa because you think it's cute. Just let her like tutus and dinosaurs if that's what she likes.

Learn how to do the things women have to do, make costumes, bake cakes, foster friendships. Do more than you think your share of the housework is. Girls who see their fathers do it have higher aspirations in their careers.

Teach consent in all things. Don't teach her to be 'nice' and silent, teach her to speak up. Even when you're the person being challenged. Never imply or teach that her clothes/behaviour/attitude cause bad things to happen. Challenge others if they do.

Buy How to Raise a Feminist Daughter by Chimamanda Adichie. It includes things like not teaching our girls that marriage is an achievement while not teaching the boys the same. Don't blather on about boyfriends. She could be alone or a lesbian. Boys are taught girls are yucky, girls are taught to want to date them.

There are a thousand more. And importantly, now you have a female child to be vaguely feminist for, remember all the stuff you did that wasn't, and sort it out.

123456Abcde123456 · 28/04/2019 00:55

Op I think it's great you're interested

Maybe just try to think, would I say this to a son
Would I do this with a son

Lots of studies show that people behave differently with little girls, comment more on appearance, aren't as rough etc.
I'd recommend looking into those early childhood studies.

As time goes on, her interests, how you spend quality time together, the books you read her etc.
The most important thing is respecting her as a person, not just as a girl, and instilling confidence in her so she knows she can do what she wants. Treat her mum well too, show her how she can expect to be treated from a partner

But I think for now you, as a new born, you just want to make her feel loved, which I'm sure she will be very

whatsnewchoochoo · 28/04/2019 00:55

I'm not trying to be difficult but I have lots of women in my life that would not be giving sound advice on raising a daughter (most females in my family have very stereotypes views on what males and females should do/think/like)

My husband is more more of a feminist than my sister will ever be.

EssentialHummus · 28/04/2019 00:55

I have a toddler daughter. I actively try to female-ify characters in books/songs that just happen to be male - Old McDonald, for example. And think carefully about what qualities I praise/why it seems OK for a toddler boy to do x / wear y but not her. It’s an exercise in re-examining my prejudices tbh.

OccasionalKite · 28/04/2019 00:42

He's chosen to put his post in the FWR section, rather than in one of the "new to parenting" sections.

Yes, I would say to OP: yes, same as PP said - ask your wife, and listen to what she has to say.

whatsnewchoochoo · 28/04/2019 00:32

That's not a massively helpful post, I assume he has actually spoke to his wife. What's the point of mumsnet if we're only expected to speak to those we actually know about the issue?

OP - congratulations. I don't have any tips if I'm honest. I suspect your intention to do well by your daughter will be good enough. I have a son and am trying to raise him to be a feminist by not stereotyping - my go to response is that unless it's a task that needs to be done with your genitalia then anyone can do it.
I'm also actively teaching consent (he's only 2 but he knows if he says no to tickles we will stop immediately)
A small thing but I'm really aware my natural tendency is to call everything him (I.e ooh look at hamster, isn't he cute) so I actively try to say her as much as I saw him (when appropriate)

Lettera · 28/04/2019 00:14

Your wife's a woman. Why don't you talk to her?

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