Advice on raising a daughter

Lots of men who have children of either sex use pornography. They're misogynists.

And what kind of parent uses porn around kids? He's asking specifically about raising a daughter. What do you have to be aware of that you don't when raising a boy. You wouldn't have porn in the house or use it around either.

What do you mean what kind of a question is that? This board is called Feminism and Women's Rights if you hadn't noticed.

You don't use porn in or around any children, boy or girl, ever. What kind of question is that?

He already got an offer of marriage on this thread.

OP, three people have now mentioned not using porn to you on this thread, but you haven't addressed it. Any reason for that?

He's not trying to raise a stereotype @Glitterban so it doesn't matter if she likes unicorns. What matters is that believes her choice is as valid and anyone else's, whether that's unicorns or triceratops.

FWIW I've always thought unicorns were a great thing that girls were 'allowed'. It's a fucking great big horned horse. Hardly weak or pathetic. It can defeat lions (Scotland has it as well).

It is the Feminist Manifesto one @FatherWantingAdvice

Also have a look at Man Who Has It All to see what you are likely doing and saying without thinking.

Give back any cookies you get for basic parenting. If someone says, "it's wonderful, you're so good to have the baby alone" you say "like my wife does every day?" Don't be tempted to feel that doing the very basics is amazing because you're male.

I wouldnt worry. My daughter turned out complete opposite of me. Naturally girly loves all the stereotypical stuff, i had to repaint her room pink, unicorns, princess, looking after babies and bossing her brother about. Terrible ball skills.

Sorry, but some things are nature not nurture.

Try to be the default parent. You won't manage it (in the early days, because of biology esp if breastfeeding; later on, societal expectations), but to the extent that you consciously try, you will even things up a bit.

So, if a nappy needs changing, do it. If a day needs taking off work to look after a sick child, do it. If clothes need buying, mending, getting a teenager to pick up off the floor... do it. Etc.

And do everything you can to take some leave so you will be alone at home with your baby, even just for a couple of months. The benefits this will have for your family dynamic and your relationship with your child are worth it unless you really truly cannot afford it under any circumstances.

My father did quite a few things that were damaging to me as a daughter, despite being a kind man who superficially encouraged me to achieve highly.

He treated me slightly differently to my brother, for example praising him for his strength and being nonplussed when I naturally tried to show that I was strong too.

He did almost no parenting other than the fun bits. He was good for a Saturday bike ride but never actually did the work of day to day childcare.

He would use a certain amount of sexist or objectifying language when speaking about women in the public eye, like politicians or actresses.

He watched porn and had it on the computer. Finding it was one of the most confusing and soul destroying experiences of my childhood. Seriously, listen to Erythronium, do not watch porn and do not have it in the house.

So is your dw taking a full year including the last 3 months unpaid? Can’t you be the one to take an unpaid bit? How similar are your salaries currently? DP and I were within 2 or 3k when I went on maternity leave (I was the higher earner). 10 years (and 2dc) later he earns a lot more despite me returning both times.

I think you've had some good advice on here so far and I can only add from my experience of raising 2 girls.

Our DDs our are still young (9 & 6) and these are some of thinks we try to encourage:

No talk of diets / weight / focus on appearance too much.

Mixing up pronouns - so not always he as default

Encouraging them to try different extra curricular stuff - karate / cubs / football as well as ballet / music / craft

They see DH more than pulling his weight at home so it's normal - ironing / cooking / cleaning / laundry / helping the girls dress etc. Also includes school runs, PTA / school involvement, helping at brownies / rainbows before the switched (incredibly sad to have it pointed out he was the only Dad that attended, he is now a cub leader so still involved with them).

DH involves them with his interests without any fuss - he's in a band so one DD is learning guitar with him, they play computer games with him, watch scifi / action films, go to the football, potter in the garden / shed / garage helping with those 'male' jobs. His Dad does the same when he's with them.

I work much longer hours and travel a lot so seeing him take on all the responsibility when I'm gone rather than being spoon fed by me is positive for them.

Encouraging their voices and opinions, teaching about consent, discouraging ideas about boys and girls stuff / clothes / careers etc

I think it boils down to equality being the norm for them at home so that hopefully filters into other elements of their life as they grow up 🤞

The balance between my DH and I has improved since I returned to work and I'm now aware of how easily we slotted into a 1950s stereotype as I chose to be the SAHP (not much of a choice seeing as he earns more than me and we were earning equally when we met) so to be aware of the balance of responsibility at home is really important and if you can don't let it slip.

I have a son and honestly I think if he was a girl I would be making extra effort but I do think showing that you are a team and take equal share in housework etc will result in your daughter understanding how a balanced relationship works and how she deserves respect and support. Be her example. Be her champion. There is a lot you can learn from other threads in here so have a browse before she is born, there will be little time after so you are wise for preparing now! Best of luck to you x

I second the post made by Erythronium;
Don't watch porn. Never have porn in the house.

And don't allow anyone to tell her that porn is harmless, or that prostitution is empowering sex work, or that mens sexual desires are different from or more important than womens.

Who is taking leave when the baby arrives? Can you share some it? It quite easy to be equal pre kids but the patterns set during maternity leave often carry on when the woman returns to work.

FatherWantingAdvice

Can I marry you?!

Hi OP,

This illustrates the mental load.

www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear

So on a slightly different tack. Whilst my father is not a feminist. He taught me to respect everybody regardless of their position in life. This meant he treated me with respect, always. He also told me the world was my oyster. He has always had my back and he was my only parent from 14 and I have always fought my own corner and never take crap from men in relationships. I think this has a lot to do with knowing how a man can behave from my fathers example and having that solid sense of self worth instilled in me by him. He wasn't/isn't a saint but he is at heart a good person even if he is turning into a grumpy old man these days and seems surprised by the liberal tendencies he instilled in his daughter!

I probably say ‘he’ all the time. It doesn’t matter.

I have 2 daughters, now 18 and 15. I didn’t give anything you’ve said a thought. I just loved them, encouraged them in everything they did and it wouldn’t cross my mind that they can’t do things because they are girls. They are both intelligent, hard working and funny to be around. They don’t see barriers. My dh, although being one of 4 brothers, has always been hands on and they are as open with him about feelings etc as they are with me. Don’t overthink it, just love her as a little person not a princess.