Dads to be are 2nd class citizens on the labour ward because they don't get offered a cup of tea...

When my DS2 was in hospital recently, I couldn't have cared less how much attention I got from the nurses and doctors. I just wanted them to focus on DS2 and getting him well. Because I was capable of realising who was the priority and it wasn't me! That's what this guy is missing, empathy and seeing his wife as a fully realised person. Not just a vessel for his baby.

Really Prequelle

Only Guyliner post comparing my labour and needing someone with me to a dying patient sounded exactly like criticism.

This chap just can't get his head around the fact that he wasn't the priority. He wasn't waiting for a miracle either, he was waiting for his wife to do some bloody hard work to birth their baby, at considerable risk to her health and well being.

This isn't a thread about anyone's individual birth experience - lots of us have had traumatic births, and poor aftercare.

This is about a man who says:

"Sat yesterday for 12 hours never offered a drink or anything i felt invisible. It was a disgrace and made me feel quite mad. All the tax and national insurance i pay and not even a courtesy of a teabag now and then or even just like i had a right to be there supporting my missus and waiting for our miracle.."

Nothing about his wife's experiences in there - this man wants a midwife to bring him tea, and a bit of attention with a pleasant bedside manner, by the sounds of it. Poor old invisible man.

And you have no idea of the births of the women on this thread so don't make large assumptions.

You had your partner with you. You had food and drink.

Now, about what this man was complaining about...

Why’s it emosh for her. We talking about men asking for cups of tea and feeling left out

Little I understand this is an emotional topic for you but was that last bit called for? No one has criticised how you birthed.

Read the room

Ofgs little Christmas mouse. Stop,with the derailing

You do realise that there will be people im the hospital who were actually dying and weren't allowed to have their partners stay full time with them? And that that their partners weren't being given meals either?.

Umm, no. Dying patients on my ward always had relatives with them.

But on labour ward you can have people with you so your point is irrelevant really. I wasn't asking for anything that every other labouring woman had - a birthing partner with her. Had I been well I would have been at home.

I do apologise for not birthing "right" but good to see women being judged for how they give birth on a feminism board anyway.

None of this is relevant to the complaint this chap was making.

Some posters have to turn everything jnto their personal thread.

Yes, and I couldn't. My first delivery was horrific. We both nearly died. I had the same condition in the 2nd pregnancy and the absolute fear that the same was happening again, coupled with the terrible care, meant that I did not feel safe left alone

You do realise that there will be people im the hospital who were actually dying and weren't allowed to have their partners stay full time with them? And that that their partners weren't being given meals either?.

You were supplied with a trolley shop, you had your own supplies that you were told to bring and you had friends bring you food. He wasn't without food or drink for 24 hours. And, should he have found himself unexpectedly in that circumstance and starving hungry, he would have had to pick a moment to nip out and find something. Needs must and all.

None of this is relevant to the complaint this chap was making.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel

Yes, and I couldn't. My first delivery was horrific. We both nearly died. I had the same condition in the 2nd pregnancy and the absolute fear that the same was happening again, coupled with the terrible care, meant that I did not feel safe left alone.

At the hospital I gave birth in there was a coffee machine and a tea kettle on a table in the corridor so I regularly sent OH out there to make us both a cup of tea.

Exactly. That's all that I am saying. I'm not what about menning at all - not all birth partners are men.

And yes, birth partners are there to support the mum. So they do need basic access to food and drink. What use will they be to anyone when they pass out because they haven't eaten for 24 hours?

And yes, my 5 days might be excessive but I know loads of women who have had 36 hour labours.

If hospitals expect a partner to be there then I think they do need to provide the basics.

I don't know if the man in the OP was complaining because he specifically wanted tea brought to him or if he was complaining that he couldn't get anything at all.

In hospital a couple of weeks ago and my room was opposite the ward kitchen - there were constant streams of visitors going in to make themselves drinks and a mum who came in everyday and took her kids down to help themselves to bowls of cereal so it seems entitlement is alive and kicking everywhere.

Umm I wasnt fed at all and I was the one who gave birth I was told to help myself to food great except it's all hot gluten in it I'm gluten intolerant see my wristband everyone has been informed you were sent a special meal for me no its sandwiches help yourself look seriously love I cant ok I will talk to someone off she goes next meal repeat husband talks to them look she is supposed to be breastfeeding a child who is in NICU surely food is important yes? She needs food three days later I get given a code for one meal fortunately my mil cottoned on to me not being fed and dropped off gluten free bread butter and some ham and no I didn't get a cuppa tea either

Mouse, it is exceptional because you couldn't cope with him leaving you for long enough to get something to eat.
Many women are stuck in for long labours but generally they can handle their dp popping off to get food.

At the hospital I gave birth in there was a coffee machine and a tea kettle on a table in the corridor so I regularly sent OH out there to make us both a cup of tea. He got given a light meal after the birth though (so did I but I was too busy haemorrhaging to eat). If he had moaned about not being given enough attention I'd have been so pissed off, but thankfully he was quite happy to sit quietly in the corner so I could focus on my gas and air.

Littlechristmasmouse has a habit of coming onto the feminism board and whattaboutthemenning - they have it a good go on the Male midwife thread as well.

Little I'm sorry as it sounds like you had a tough time .

Most women being induced, need as much rest as possible until labour is established. Partners are often encouraged to go home overnight to facilitate this.

Men who are birth partners do need care to support their partners, but there is no reason this shouldn't be self care most of the time.

Exactly, Guyliner. LittleChristmasMouse, your experience here is entirely irrelevant, unless it is used to show exactly why midwives should not be offering cups of tea to birth partners. There is already not enough support for the actual patients in hospital, let alone to expect that to be spread even thinner so that accompanying partners are given attention. A vending machine is a fine idea, but again totally irrelevant to the original complaint.

This is the tricky thing about labour and birth. It’s a major life event for both parents, but only the mother is the patient. My husband saw himself as my supporter and advocate. That was his job. It becomes easier to feel included in the process if you feel you have a role to play, and he and I established that well in advance of my being induced. He also managed to sustain himself on the snacks we’d brought and a couple of trips to the canteen.

The second time I gave birth it was an unplanned homebirth in our bathroom. That time he really did have a job to do, because he caught the baby.

Also I don't really see why people can never discuss the topic without turning in to something that wasn't being discussed. The man wasnt in hospital for 5 days. He'd been there 12 hours without a cup of tea and was having a whine on his phone. Your very specific situation isnt really relevant.

If you weren't prepared to let your partner leave your side (even when you slept ) that's really on you. I can't really comment on the vending machine situation. Maybe they dont want to be the ones people argue with when their crisps don't fall properly. Maybe they thought as they had a cafe a man should be able to walk to the cafe. But at no point are they required to feed a non patient and if your dh died of dehydration that would not be on anyone but himself.

Michelle - too true. All I see these days is women's rights to privacy and bodily autonomy being rolled back.

it'll be never-ending

Not to mention the creep towards parental rights over the child being seen to exist prior to birth. Which would have major implications for women, not just for fathers having 'rights' to be present and witness the birth of their child whether wanted or not (potentially serious risks if a woman is forced to accept someone present she is deeply distressed by), but setting a precedent that would inevitably be stretched to a woman's choices during pregnancy.