How to talk to DD about transgender cousin?

Funkyfunkybeat12
I'll qualify, since the narcissistic comment was mine.
I don't think gender dysphoria is linked to narcissism.
Many women feel dysphoria about either their female bodies, or the gender roles society expects them to perform.
So a woman who dresses and presents in a masculine way (for want of a better term) isn't a narcissist.
But if that woman expects others to pretend that this constitutes 'living as a man' or expects male pronouns, or validation of manhood then that's narcissistic.

I'm not critiquing anyone's feelings. I'm critiquing the expectation that other people validate a delusion, especially children.

Hayden didn't even link the thread. It's almost as if the reality of the thread doesn't fit the claims being made.

happy I can’t see how your explanation changes things hugely. He’s such a top bloke that we don’t want to define him by his sexuality? But that’s part of him. The whole point about inclusivity is normalising different types of relationships so that they can see that there is no difference between being gay and straight. Straight is assumed to be the default, the norm, doesn’t need to be mentioned. To be honest, that is why gay people have to come out and straight people don’t- because the default is straight. And when someone says ‘oh you’re such a great person, your sexuality is not what defines you’ when that person’s sexuality is assumed, celebrates, normalised etc then it sort of feels like someone is suggesting that maybe it’s not quite equal to heterosexuality.

Also for kids, having role models is important. I know from my own experience that I had no female gay role models and often it was hushed up and they were described as ‘friends’ or something. It led to huge internalised shame which I still feel. What if your kids wonder why you waited until they asked to tell them?

Funky you misquoted me, what I said was ....My half brother is gay but I didn’t want to make any kind of big deal about it to my kids, so only when DD asked, is anyone in our family gay, did I tell her. It’s just not what defines him, he is such a top bloke we all love him and frankly his sexuality is none of our business.

Don't try and twist words-it just reflects badly on you.

Absolutepowercorrupts no chance of that. Hayden has already spun the thread as something it isn't. Unsurprisingly Hayden has been careful not to quote from the thread, as that would undermine Hayden's false narrative.

funky what business is it, of a child, what sexuality family members are?

Hi STEPH
I've seen on Twitter that you are monitoring this thread.
I really hope that you read all the responses here, not just the ones that fit your agenda

Thirdfiddle, yes, of course I think that the OP should mention it, as presumably the DD knows that she has a female cousin. I was responding to the bit about 'I don't want to mention that my half brother is gay'. It's this same narrative that came up about the LGBT lessons in school. People questioning when is the right age for kids to be 'exposed' to the existence of same-sex relationships etc. The insinuation that same-sex relationships are harmful or lesser in some way and not for children's ears when they are 'exposed' to heterosexuality everywhere since birth.

Did you announce your sister's straightness to your kids funky? I never did. Come to that for all I know she could be bisexual as she never announced her heterosexuality to me either. If someone is currently single their sexuality is unlikely to come up in family conversation. I still don't know if one cousin is gay or straight as he's always been single or at least never introduced a partner to us.

The reason I'd want to pre-warn it to the DC here is to try to avoid them making gaffes or being obviously confused if the person doesn't pass very well.

My half brother is gay but I didn’t want to make any kind of big deal about it to my kids, so only when DD asked, is anyone in our family gay, did I tell her.

Ummmm what do you mean didn't want to make any kind of big deal of it? Surely you would just be matter of fact about it, seeing as it is totally normal and absolutely no less than being heterosexual? Would you say 'my sister is straight but I didn't want to make any kind of big deal about it to my kids'?

8 is very young to have to think about taking artificial hormones off label, to change yr body, to imitate someone of the other sex. Could you just say nothing unless DD asks? Presumably she doesn’t know this transman started life as a girl?
My half brother is gay but I didn’t want to make any kind of big deal about it to my kids, so only when DD asked, is anyone in our family gay, did I tell her. It’s just not what defines him, he is such a top bloke we all love him and frankly his sexuality is none of our business. I don’t think people would expect an 8 yr old to have any knowledge of transsexualism (despite what stonewall would insist) as long as she is polite and friendly that’s enough imho.

You’re being quoted

Sorry titchy
I didn't read it properly. I feel suitably chastised.

I think that gender dysphoria is a complex condition and that people who have it, particularly women, who are highly unlikely to be motivated by sexual feelings, do deserve sympathy. Someone with GD is no more narcissistic than someone with other psychiatric conditions surely. So I don’t like the snipy digs at the cousin.

As for your DD, I agree that saying that X feels she is a man and wants to live as one is sufficient. I think I probably came across stories of transsexuals when I was quite young and it didn’t screw my thinking or make me believe that humans could change sex or anything.

Thanks Natsku, looks like I was wise only to raise this with those particular country friends. I had assumed that my city friends would have taken a very different view.

It sounds similar to other Western democracies where the polarisation has now become "identifying as progressive" vs "perceived as bigoted".

Tell her the truth:

People of both sexes can wear whatever they like and do pretty much the same things.

Human beings cannot change sex, but some fish and amphibians can.

Some people have a mental health condition that makes them think they are actually the opposite sex and different people have different ideas about how best to manage this.

Some girls grow up thinking that life as a girl will hold them back because of social stereotypes so do what they can to look and sound more 'male'. However they will always be female because human beings can not change sex.

If she or you feel uncomfortable using pronouns that aren't truthful, perhaps encourage her just to use the cousin's name and 'you/ they'. No way should you allow the gender thought police to dictate to someone so young and impressionable.

It is perfectly possible to be polite and also stay true to reality.

Friend told me this week about her nephew's 'stepdaughter' (nephew and partner are not married) who is about 15.

Girl is one of 4 children, first 3 are girls (she is the eldest) and mother last year gave birth to a boy.

Girl is now saying she's trans. You don't have to be a bleedin' psychotherapist to unpick that one.

Its not that kids today are more accepting than adults, kids have always been that way.
Its a condition of childhood that kids are not in control, and they accept whatever goes on around them as normal.

Their cousin will probably appreciate a friend, just to do normal teenage stuff with.

OP's dd is 8, hardly doing teenage stuff.

'Cousin Sarah wasn't very happy being a girl, so would prefer at the moment to be a boy called Bob. Bob is still female and always will be, but be kind and use their new name.'

No I think you need to stay clear that it's not about the trousers or the short hair but about a belief. Even the most ardent TRAs will deny that it's about the trousers and the short hair, so that's not controversial. They are using a boy name and maybe taking medication (if they have a beard or anything) because they believe they're a boy. You consider based on biology that they're still female but you don't want to upset them. I don't think it's any harder than getting atheist children to humour religious relatives.

Be ready to defend your DD from insinuations that they might be happier being a boy if necessary. Hopefully cousin wouldn't be so crass but you can't be sure when people are deep into an ideology.

A quick question Natsku. When I last discussed trans issues with Finnish friends, they were gender critical (down-to-earth countryside people) but I got the distinct impression they were out on a limb away from a progressive consensus.

Are you seeing the same or is it becoming more acceptable for gender critical views to be voiced in Finland?

If someone can't cut a child some slack for not being up to date with the latest trans ideology then fuck em

I suspect your dd is more savvy than you! Kids today seem to accept far better than adults. The general line of not happy about their body, prefers to dress like a man and it's ok because it's what they want is fine at that age, no need to get political or define gender vs sex. I would not be surprised if she already has grasped it