How to talk to DD about transgender cousin?

Natsku sorry for derail, but as the Finnish elections are tomorrow, have you looked at the Yle Political Compass? It asks what your views are about 30 issues including the translaw reform and then you can see what the candidates best matched to you think about it. I'm really happy with my choice of candidate now! I do agree that the translaw needs reform (starting point is very different than in the UK) but that there are totally different questions re children and adults and that's what my candidate thinks too. Actually all my top 3 disagree or strongly disagree with children having surgery, despite their parties support for the translaw, and I haven't even looked further down the list.

five percent!!! That's a lot more than I would have expected

Maybe children in Finland and elsewhere are fed up with 1950s male and female stereotypes.

If that's what is going on then I'd support the "non binary" stance.

Tho' transitioning is obviously a completely wrong sledgehammer to crack that nut.

I'd be interested to know the breakdown of that 5% between trans boys and trans girls. And whether there's been a massive recent increase in numbers.

You know, I'm not that surprised. My friends were talking to me about their doubts in hushed tones and were worried they'd be overheard.

I've found Finland to have a consensus driven culture in some respects and I think that if an idea gets picked up, then people do seem to feel they ought to get on board. You of course might have a completely different view.

Apologies for continuing the side track, I really will stop now.

Same orchid. Nor have any of the people I know in same sex relationships "come out" as such, they just introduced their partners in the normal way.

I have never announced anyone's sexuality to my children. It's just 'your uncle john and uncle bob' and 'uncle peter and auntie angela'

I've just read Hayden and Harrop's comments on Twitter about this thread and came over to see what they were talking about (the safeguarding issues, the hateful transphobia) and can see that they're making it all up, as usual. I can't see anything transphobic here.

I think as you've already said, the religious explanation is a very good model to follow - I have an 8 year old too, and whilst we're not religious, he goes to a church school, so we've had various conversations about being polite, and what other people believe, and what I believe, and that he can have a think and figure out what he believes.

Keeping the conversation open, being firm about reality, but being polite about it. ie. the universal rule of "don't be a jerk" with the addendum of "ignore people who are jerks" seems to be working for us, and I think is best here.

Keep a close eye though if they start hanging out - binders are absolutely awful for a girl's health, and you need to make sure your daughter doesn't have her head turned by a cool older relative.

Advise your child that people can't change sex and some parents are homophobic.

I think it's really off that (these days) we have to explain to young children what homophobia is often before they are even aware of homosexuality.

GregoryPecking no it isn’t ‘fucking weird’ at all. The reason why gay people have to come out and why you might have to say to kids ‘oh uncle Bob is gay by the way’ in casual conversation is that straight is the default. There is no need to announce your straightness to everyone because it is presumed until told otherwise. I am not talking about making a spectacle or anything but just to normalise it. It makes a difference. Saying nothing implies that it’s wrong in some way. As does stuff like ‘oh she’s so lovely we just don’t think her sexuality is relevant so didn’t want to mention it’.

LassOfFyvie

I'm so glad you have said that, it's exactly what I was thinking.

presumably the DD knows that she has a female cousin

Does she? OP said there was no contact since her daughter was a baby.

After not seeing her dad's family for years, and not her cousins since she was a baby, we re-connected with them at her dad's funeral and I found out that the youngest of ex-SIL's grown children is now a transman

Given that trans men usually pass well I'm not sure I see the need to say anything more than "this is Cousin John"

@funkyfunky announcing someone’s sexuality is fucking weird and not normalising or accepting at all. It’s like walking into a party with your friend who happens to be gay and saying ‘hey everyone, this is my friend bob. He’s my friends and he’s gay!’

OP it sounds like you are a caring and loving mum, who wants to be sensitive and supportive both to your daughter and her cousin. You will all be fine

Tbh I think this type of question is better off elsewhere on this site (not FWR). I have always found warm support there (or a good bollocking - on AIBU!).

thirdfiddle I can only speak from my own experience. If someone avoided mentioning another person's sexuality to me as a child until I actually asked them about it, I would assume it was because the person felt there was something wrong with it. And that's certainly how I felt growing up. And the whole 'they know they can marry girls or boys' is quite recent but even though the law has changed, that has not removed homophobia, whether explicit or implicit.

I see it the other way round funky. If we went round making a big deal of announcing that Uncle George is gay, that seems othering to me. Kids don't have baggage around being gay, if it came up in passing "Uncle George has a new boyfriend" they'd be about as interested as if it was a girlfriend. They know you can marry a boy or a girl. They were vaguely interested when they discovered a friend has two mums - "oh, that's funny, she'll have to make two cards on mothers' day" - but it really is a non issue which is how it should be.

I would just say x has a female body but wants to be a man. So they use a male name and make themselves look like a man and want people to refer to them as a man.

I knew STEPH wouldn't but I thought I would say hello