A really interesting article for anyone experiencing narcisstic behaviour in their lives

Btw, my friend found the book "Divorcing a Narcissist" very useful - would recommend.

And I introduced her to Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?" (I think it's called, iirc).

Both very good.

I so wish I knew about grey rock years ago. I could of saved myself a lot of anxiety and a whole lot of trouble. I want every woman to read it!

It's an extremely useful article.

A good friend of mine was in a terribly abusive relationship - with her husband of 20+ years.

I'd known her for years, but I never knew quite how bad he was - until he was arrested for viewing online child abuse images. Dawn raid by police.

Turned out he had been emotionally, sexually and financially abusive to her for years - the only thing he didn't do was hit here, and because of that he held himself up as some sort non-violent paragon of virtue

Anyway - to cut a v long story short - he is now serving a prison sentence for raping her.

Yet somehow,he has managed to continue to harass her, and abuse her from his prison cell. Via lawyers (he's not allowed to contact her directly). Via her solicitor - he makes a fuss about everything - their dc, their divorce, the financial settlement - everything. Appeals every court decision. Says he is innocent of rape, and will overturn his conviction and have her prosecuted for perjury and take the children. He is a very. very angry man. He has to win - he won't stop. He won't leave her alone.

Believe it or not, he frightens Judges and the police. I've seen it. I've been in court with her. I imagine he tries to intimidate prison/parole officers too. He's v well educated, (Oxbridge) and gets very angry about "his rights". He's the most horrific example of a narcissistic bully.

Sorry for the long post. I'm going to send article this to her.

But also incredibly relevant to feminism as these moves are made by men at both a personal and political level to re-enforce oppression by gender.

Yes. Important to note that the dynamics of interpersonal abuse can also replicate into societal level abuse. Techniques don't alter.

I used to know a guy who treated others like shit while squealing with outrage if anyone ever stood up to him. I couldn't understand his behaviour - it was beyond rational explanation. A while later someone who'd studied psychology said he almost certainly had NPD. It was the first time I'd heard of NPD, but it fit this guy like a glove. What I mainly remember about him was that as well as being a vindictive, lying bully who betrayed his friends, he had a massive sense of victimhood while thinking of himself as a super-admirable and desirable hero figure.

Do you think they are aware of it or not?

No. They're only aware of themselves. They don't see other people as actual real, live human beings.

Always remember: with narcissists, accusations are admissions. When they're arguing, it's not with you: they're shouting at themselves in the mirror.

No - they are not aware. They genuinely think they are amazing and everyone else is lesser.

The more I read about narcissists, the more I realise my ex was one. Do you think they are aware of it or not?

Ewe I'm another huge Chump Lady fan. Sensible, straight forward articles, especially the ones around ways of responding to the most typical scripts.

Oooh nice one ewe

(Off topic but I could never remember which way to spell grey/gray until someone the internet told me it was grAy for America and grEy for England)

Coercive control and the law

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

Ewe - I find Chumplady very down to earth.

(Sometimes my brain switches off when I am reading long things)

It’s absoluteky the drip drip of being in this sort of relationship. My ex ground me down but there was just enough good, and he was so good at narrating to himself what a good guy he was, that I was always doubting.

Until he over stretched himself and started intruding on my work. That was the line for me. The blinkers snapped off and suddenly I could see him for who he was and what he’d been doing.

I still think about what a narrow escape I had from being too ground down to leave.

But really, grey rock is best

www.chumplady.com/2018/08/new-narc-strategy-be-boring/

Grey rock is a fabulous technique. It works. Recommend it to any woman dealing with a narcissist.

katara

Grey rock? I'll look that up

There is more about it here:
flyingmonkeysdenied.com/2016/05/03/how-to-go-gray-rock-from-a-moral-and-spiritual-perspective/

There is quite a bit about it in Relationships

katara

greenberet Have you read any of chump lady's stuff? I found it really useful and just knowing that there were patterns of behaviour that you could recognise and then predict was hugely helpful.

that you're still dealing with it.

This is the sort of thing she writes about:

www.chumplady.com/2018/10/respond-to-mindfuckery-with-ridicule/

Grey Rock;
www.aconsciousrethink.com/6158/gray-rock-method-dealing-narcissist/

I find the post by @melrose very useful, thank you. I’ve recently cut an old friend out of my life due to narcissistic behaviour that is clearly outlined in that article. It makes me realise I did the right thing.

Chilling, KataraJean Thanks for sharing your experience. I feel like I've had my eyes opened to this over these last couple of days.