DM - The true toll of porn: Girls who hate their bodies and young men who can't perform in relationships - by a GP who's seen the harm it does to teens

I've had two relationships with porn addicts.
One repeatedly raped me in my sleep including anally, so I would wake up confused, in pain and terrified with him on top of me.
The other had nerve damage from excessive masturbation and the only way he could come was by simultaneously stimulating himself and choking me, until he ejaculated on my face.
Porn is absolutely NOT harmless, and I'm very concerned about how on earth to teach my son not to be influenced by it, when even very violent misogyny is so normalised.

I'm in my 60's and these stories make me furious. I'm so glad I didn't come of age in these times but i have two granddaughters growing up in this pornified world and of course it's worrying.

The only response, I feel, is to be absolutely discriminating about one's sexual partners, and be ready to say no and walk away from anyone with these tendencies.

Seeking love first, and sex as a development from that, isn't such a bad idea after all. But I guess that sounds awfully fuddy-duddy!

Moralitym1n1 Argh! Sorry to post again, tired and need to sleep so am all over the place. I meant to say that I think as homosapiens we don't change really from generation to generation, the same impulses are always there, it's a matter of what's made socially acceptable or unacceptable which permits certain impulses to either be expressed or repressed. Most people were fine with segregation and women not having the vote, until it became socially unacceptable to have such views. Societal control exists through shaming harmful behaviour, but the internet provides anonymity and thus a loophole through which bad behaviour can go unpunished or even rewarded, which leads to these extremes of behaviour.

Moralitym1n1 Maybe it's not helpful to think about it as culture as a whole being more violently misogynistic, but that the nature of our culture has changed due to the internet. Extreme attitudes are encouraged within these different tribes, violent impulses supported in some groups and suppressed in others.
HelenaDove Good point about the social skills too, I do get that impression but I'm dealing with foreigners too so didn't know if it was cultural.

Having only dated much older men as well as being married to one i havent come across this personally.

A small side issue is its not just porn. Ive noticed with a lot of younger people (not all i hasten to add) is a real lack of social skills. People who talk and act like bots instead of people (our housing officer is a good example of this) Nearly everything is done online now too removing the need for more social interaction. Its much easier to misconstrue the written word than it is while talking face to face or on the phone.

Im so glad i was born and brought up pre internet.

I do think there is a more vicious attitude towards women now: whereas before it was acceptable to be sexist within the confines of certain parameters, now the levels of acceptability on the one hand have improved through feminism, but at the same time, there is a backlash that makes some men more aggressively hateful. Also, there definitely wasn't the whole incel movement then, which has changed thinking about interactions with women a lot, even for lads who aren't full-blown incels. The influence of violent porn just wasn't a widespread thing when I was younger, now it's mainstream. It's about exposure to extreme ideas which become normalised via the internet. Pop culture was more 'laddish' when I was younger, was more TV and magazines. It was annoying and objectifying, but not violent. I agree with the 50 shades thing too though (haven't read it, no interest). Again, I think the internet is involved with that too, theories spring up about what 'all women want' rather than what some women want and get passed around as fact.

or that they just think they can show it through sex more now

That is separate to the hatred, misogyny issue.

But do you really think the no of men who hate women had increased, or that they just depends they can show it through more now.

I think we also notice it more because we're more aware - total misogynists and chauvinists in past generations were seen as normal to some extent. It was normal to look down on women, see them as sex objects or nags or crones - look at the pre 80s movies, TV series, posters etc

Abuseof

Yes I've agreed with that in the post above yours (perhaps cross posted).

Porn, red pill movement, pick up artist movement, women really getting some economic/political etc power, more liberality about sex leading to what were alternative lifestyle fetishes e.g. s&m, polygamy being brought into mainstream (usually to make money or people wanting to be fashionable and 'cool')... who knows but definitely yes. Mostly porn I think.

(Back on mainstream culture and fashions- ok do think the incredible popularity of fifty shades among women - and those stories are actually about an incredibly unhealthy, essentially abusive relationship - has made a host of men think that that must be what women want and are turned on by is being restrained, being whipped/spanked, being controlled etc.).

Moralitym1n1 When I was younger there were lads who just wanted a shag and avoided you after or behaved like twats etc, but I never experienced the kind of violent sex and degrading verbal abuse I have with the last few guys I slept with in their twenties. It's a completely different attitude, a real hatred of women.

Unfortunately that has always existed, though it's probably even more common now.

(Plus porn had definitely made thinking degrading violent etc sex is normal, to some extent; much much more common).

heresyisthenewblack Yes, and it was very apparent to me that this went beyond their attitudes to sex by other comments they made about women/me. I know with blokes who are just up for 'a bit of fun' you can expect a certain amount of BS, but it went beyond that into abusive territory, both verbally and physically. I'm not saying they're all like that, but it's a very different experience I've had with men my own age.

How it sexually arousing to inflict pain and real damage onto someone you supposedly care about enough to be intimate with?

Because caring about someone is not why they want or choose to be intimate with them? They just want sex.

stroopwafelgirl I'm glad to hear it, gives us some hope. I'm not in the UK at the moment (Western Europe) so I don't know whether that makes a difference or not, but it's been a miserable experience.

So dismayed by this. I’m early 20s and here mostly for the feminism boards - although I find that the majority of topics of mn tend to be a feminist awakening anyway when you realise how much shit women are expected to put up with. But my sexual relationships and those of my peers are nothing like what has been described. It is all deeply consensual and our male partners (past and present) have been very much preoccupied with satisfying our needs before their own. I am not saying that this in any way mitigates the horrendous impact porn has had on 21st century sexuality but there are certainly some of us who simply refuse to accept it as the norm.

Well I guess consumable objects aren’t supposed to have needs and opinions are they?
Ugh. Horrible creatures.

DonaldTwain I did tell them they were shit, and I don't know whether they cared or not but they seemed genuinely baffled, like they'd never even thought about a woman's experience before, it was a revelation to them that women might have certain needs or desires too, needs that their mechanical pornosex weren't very good at fulfilling.

I don't even have words for how dismayed this makes me feel.
To those who have experienced this horrendous behaviour.

Its a big change. I mean, you could say to young men, with complete truth, that being obsessed with porn makes them shit in bed. Dull, when not dull unpleasant, just shit sexual partners. But the terrible thing is they wouldn’t care. It doesn’t matter that they have no ability to give pleasure; like it doesn’t matter they look awful (these terrible beards they go about with). They don’t have to please. That is women’s job. Their job is to consume; to use and dispose of the object.

heresyisthenewblack My impression is that with some of these lads they're woman haters and porn has played its part in that, with others they think that this is normal sex or even actually what women want, because lot of porn titles tell them so. A sense of male entitlement that porn instils also means they don't ask to find out otherwise.

This thread has confirmed my fears for girls and young women today. I am so sorry to hear what you are being put through. I am early thirties and never experienced this violent misogyny disguised as "sex" in my teens/twenties. I am so glad of that.

Is it any wonder teenage girls are trying to escape this?

ItsAllGoingToBeFine I have resigned myself to staying single rather than go through that again, it was horrendous. I can imagine many teenage girls who are a lot less self-assured and face the prospect of the same kind of abusive treatment would rather avoid sexual encounters with the opposite sex altogether by identifying as boys, I probably would too.