How to feel more powerful as a woman?

Its the most important job in the world! If she chooses not to do it, it doesn’t stop it being a job for you. I’ll probably never be a bin man, doesn’t stop it being a job.

What a ridiculous argument. (Her, not you)

This has been an interesting read to me as due to various choices made because of caring responsibilities, I work in a flexible job that is way below my intellectual capacity, and I feel a total failure as a result.

I combat this partly by also being a union rep - not sure if this is an option for you OP?

I need to retrain in the medium term future otherwise I face a future on very little money when I no longer get tax credits, periodical payments etc. It's terrifying.

Meanwhile, of course, my ex's career goes from strength to strength still facilitated by me being the primary carer for our child.

I've written out statements I read daily now. Some of them are:
I deserve to be happy. I am very powerful. No one tells me what to think about anything. I make better decisions for myself than anyone else can. No one is superior to me. I deserve to be treated with respect.....and so on.

If I have trouble believing any of these statements I take a moment to reflect about what makes them true...It has done wonders for myself esteem. In fact, as my self esteem started rising that's when I started getting really mad about mistreatment from men and calling myself a feminist.

Does the current job keep up the skills you will need if you go back full time later?

Amazing. Thanks so much!
I feel much better having read these responses. I love the comment about men filling empty space. This is so true.
I will begin to take the space and claim it as my own.
Starting tonight.

you don't need to be bolshy, necessarily, just value what you are doing and claim your time and space. I don't agree that your husband is, necessarily, a bad one. Living with anyone is difficult. You say he's a good person. If this is the case he will adjust to any changes in you; especially positive ones through which you feel better about yourself, and more contented.

I had the real advantage of growing up with formidable women, as such I’ve always owned my space, leap throw doors first and will fight tooth and nail for a parking place.
But I realised about a year ago I was making myself a family slave. I only replaced my clothes when they had visible holes, and they all matched so I only ever replace a t shirt or whatever. Always as cheP as I could regardless of whether I liked them, taking the minimum from the family pot.
Today I bought trainers, they are orange and not the cheapest. I love them and the world didn’t end because I bought puma trainers.
Doing what you want isn’t always being selfish.

I feel totally powerful as a woman. I have worked my way into having a career, a home and a social life. I have never married and need will. I realised when very young that the waiting fir a man was bollix. Growing up in a council estate in the 70s I saw women being treated as slaved, worn down constantly by badly paid wages and men and countless children to look after. I swore then I would never be answerable to men and I haven't.

I have a house, a job and a pension. I am content. That is a start. But I am invisible, so although I feel valuable as a person I feel I have no value as a woman.

Stop thinking of yourself as a neglected, downtrodden wifey. Start thinking of yourself as a strong single parent getting her life in order ready to live her new life.

I felt this needed bolding

I fully understand.

I encourage you to attach more value to your role as a mother and homemaker. These are important roles and should be valued far more than they are, it starts with you. Your sense of self worth is wrapped up in work, which is understandable in our society, but you should really feel proud of your other contributions and roles. They are important.

If you don’t feel good about your weight, and if and only if you want to do something to feel better about that, then I would find something you enjoy doing that will help with that and carve out some time for yourself, to work on yourself. I find exercise really important for my mental health more than anything. When I can’t do it due to illness, it has a tremendous affect on my mind and that spills over into other areas. Walking, jogging, cycling or swimming... yoga at home... anything like that. I love my walks and I also like doing fitness blender workouts in my living room.

You know you have a bad husband. I guess that means you know you'll be splitting up as soon as you can organise your life around it.

Stop thinking of yourself as a neglected, downtrodden wifey. Start thinking of yourself as a strong single parent getting her life in order ready to live her new life.

Yes to taking the space.

Also yes to sleep.

Remember being bold and strong. Take time to recall past victories and how it felt to be you. It is still in you. Fake it til you make it works with that. Pretend you are still that old you and behave how she would have behaved (you are still her, it'll come back easy).

Go for a run. Take St John's wort. get 8 hours sleep.

I understand the feeling. I also second reading Liberating Motherhood. I found it very empowering.

Unfortunately we are kind of programmed to measure our success in capitalist and male terms. So career and financial success trumps everything.

If your husband is treating you like the family servant, no matter how much 'me space/time/career/success' you have, you are going to feel pretty shit all day every day. Until you leave and then properly have your own space and time and sort your career out when it suits you.

What ever space we don’t inhabit in our daily lives or in society in general, men will of course expand to fill. Take the space

Unfortunately we are kind of programmed to measure our success in capitalist and male terms. So career and financial success trumps everything.

I am in a similar place but don't have kids. I struggle with work because I have a (hidden) disability so at the moment I don't. I feel the judgement of others because I appear able. I do feel like an accessory to DH at times. The good thing is that he looks after himself and me too when I'm not well, we still share jobs at home, so I don't feel like a house slave! I do a lot at home obviously because I'd be bored otherwise and we have significant animal care for the zoo to do which is my "job" really. I guess the way to look at it is to find the value in what you do do. And try to overcome the programming we get about what is valuable in a life.

I always always find myself defering, moving over and asking permission and all that crap. It frustrates me. It's not coming from DH, I think he would prefer it if I just told him what I was doing instead of discussing. But it's so ingrained! To please. To enable. And to devalue ourselves. And I think that's the crux of the problem.

Lovely post PlumPorter. That, exactly.

Own Your Space.

Well said Plum Porter. You have to appreciate your self first and the role you are performing. Also take time for yourself when you need it - obviously when family life permits.

It's difficult; very difficult - & certainly being financially dependent. But as long as he is not using money as a form of control or to undermine you - then simply allow yourself to fully occupy, and value, your role, and your space.

Value your own values - at this stage, caring over ambition. Don’t judge yourself against a default male breadwinner standard.

Ask yourself what do I want, what do I need, and once the dc’s needs are met, spend more time doing what you want to do.

And make damn sure any career advantage your dh has gained through your role filters through to shared benefit, including pension gains.

I have a friend. She was quite overweight and in a bad marriage to a man that didn't respect her. She had very low self esteem. When they split, she took up running, just couch to 5k. Not long ago, she ran her first marathon, and now she is a total running addict (as are all the runners I know!) She looks amazing, feels amazing and has a confidence that's just been incredible to witness. It doesn't have to be running, but starting one thing for you, that's just yours might help spark something's in you, like it did my friend. Like you say, you can work on your career when you go back to it, you just need something to get you over this rough patch.

I wouldn't do that anymore

Or at least, I wouldn't do it automatically. Obviously, the ideal is that you compromise for each other and meet each other's needs. But, where a man is neither willing nor capable of doing that, stand your ground.

I hear you.
I’m currently a SAHM having previously supported my husband for years. It’s my choice but some days it feels very hard. Society devalues traditional women’s labour and that especially is true for domestic drudgery and child rearing.

What I realised is that I got into the habit of asking when I didn’t need to. I say DH and told him. So I am starting this hobby, so you will need to be at home for the kids and I am starting this course.

I didn’t ask for permission. Actually my husband was really supportive. I imagined his response would be less supportive than it was.

Maybe write a list of what would be good for you, be that a course, a hobby, time with friends etc and just go inform your DH.