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Original poster

Ftm detransitioner - ask me anything

90 replies

Dyl101 · 03/03/2019 16:16

Hello. The recent clash of feminists v the radical trans lobby has been shocking and troubling. As someone who once identified as a trans man, spent years in therapy, changed my whole identity and appearance, I once would have been 100% behind self ID and the changes to the GDPR. However, I have since renounced much of my previous opinions and have gone so far the other way I am often described as a "terf" online. This is for simply holding rational views that being a woman is not a feeling but a biological reality for most and must be protected as a sex class.

Also as a detransitioner, I found some of the rhetoric I found myself believing very sexist and contrary to anything I had previously thought, that gender was a social construct. In addition, the stuff online (youtube/forums) makes transition seem like a wonderful, freeing way to truly be yourself, and I worry about what impact this narrative will have on impressionable young people.

Anyway, feel free to ask me anything.

OP posts:
RepealTheGRA · 03/03/2019 17:46

Thanks very much for answering Dyl101 SmileFlowers I realise it’s an incredibly difficult one but it is very interesting to have your insight.

mammoon · 03/03/2019 17:46

OP, no questions, but thank you for sharing your experiences. I'm so glad you found some relief from your gender dysphoria and that you were brave enough to change your mind about this major decision. Wishing you every happiness in your life Flowers Flowers

I think it will be detransitioners like yourself who really crack this open for young people who are taught to see this issue in such a polarised way. It's brave to speak out and it means a lot.

Original poster
Dyl101 · 03/03/2019 17:46

GerryblewuptheER Not when I decided to detransition, because I kept it and my life in general very private, but when I post my views on forums/feminist groups about women's rights, sex based protections, and the GRA etc, I get abuse despite my history I am called a bigot, a terf and a transphobe. I even got called cis the other week lol!

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NeurotrashWarrior · 03/03/2019 17:43

Thank you so very much for this thread Thanks

Original poster
Dyl101 · 03/03/2019 17:42

AtrociousCircumstance I didn't have friends, but I knew trans people in support groups etc, but I no longer see them at all, partly because I wanted a clean break from the entire mindset, and partly because now I know they would find my views deeply offensive :(

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Katvonfelttipeyebrows · 03/03/2019 17:40

Thank you for sharing your experiences Flowers

Original poster
Dyl101 · 03/03/2019 17:39

WeRiseUp Just to add to what I said, I think when you want to transition, you are obsessed with gender. So I would suggest taking the focus away, not refusing to acknowledge it, which will cause resentment, but who else they are as a person, other than their gender identity, their hobbies, likes, interests. What has made them unhappy/happy etc. I felt really lost and thought I had found myself, but I hadn't, now I focus on my writing, and who I am as a person, not who I am as a man/woman

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NotTerfNorCis · 03/03/2019 17:37

Hi Dyl101, welcome to Mumsnet!

I was wondering, do you think anyone at all is born 'trans'? Or is it something that happens because of life experiences?

I know a young man who has decided he's trans, and is rushing into medical treatment. He's an anxious person who said he felt wrong about his body from childhood. He'd been in therapy for a while when I got to know him, and he hadn't originally gone to the therapist because of his gender feelings. I know he spends a lot of time online 'shitposting' about 'cis' people. Is it likely he's been drawn in by activists rather than genuine trans? (I know this is impossible to answer definitively, just wanted your opinion!)

howmanybiscuits · 03/03/2019 17:37

Dyl101 thanks for this :)

Please can I ask, what other websites specifically do you think influenced you to transition, besides YouTube?

I'm going to hazard a guess at tumblr? (As it comes up so often).

Were there any particular groups or individuals you found particularly compelling?

howmanybiscuits · 03/03/2019 17:35

If a teenager was asking where to go for help with gender confusion, where would you suggest they go for support to understand their feelings rather then trans indoctrination?

Original poster
Dyl101 · 03/03/2019 17:32

Smartieshavetheanswer I am in my late 20s. And yes, I think for me it played a huge role, because it presented such a positive image of transition, especially youtube (not that it can't be positive) However, I have noticed an increasing number of detransitioner videos over the last few months, especially F2Ms.

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Original poster
Dyl101 · 03/03/2019 17:27

RepealTheGRA Again it is very difficult, because in the middle it is all consuming, and again, just because I am able to live my life without transitioning, many people cannot. At the time I wanted people to confirm my identity, but I'm so glad now I wasn't rushed in to anything. I do think breaking down gender stereotypes and roles is important, I have often asked what gender identity means on forums etc without relying on roles/stereotypes etc, and no one has ever been able to tell me. Just vague post about it being an internal feeling.

I do think generally people who are doing it for the wrong reasons are unhappy, and there are often other underlying reasons for this, maybe support them through those issues, and take the focus away from their gender. Don't dismiss it, but don't obsess over it, encourage them in other area's of their lives, their hobbies/passions etc.

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Ribosomes · 03/03/2019 17:22

Thank you for your very detailed response. I hope you get the help to deal with your PTSD and mental health issues. It's a tough world out there.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 03/03/2019 17:14

Hi Dyl101 I don't have any questions that haven't been asked already, just wanted to say that I admire your courage to 180° from a big decision like you did as opposed to falling for sunken cost fallacy and carrying on in a direction that you weren't happy with. I hope you're well and have rl support Thanks

Original poster
Dyl101 · 03/03/2019 17:13

WeRiseUp That is very difficult. All I know is at the time it was very real, and I was completely convinced in was true, that I was a man, it was all I thought about everyday, and it caused me a lot of distress, I lost a relationship over it and changed my entire appearance etc. BUT, I still had these thoughts in the back of my mind, that I couldn't quite reconcile, my feminist beliefs about gender. How anyone should be anything they want, there is no male and female brain. I knew deep down a lot of what I was thinking was sexist, that men and women think and behave a certain way.

I guess listening to great feminist speakers break down the lack of logic in gender theory helped me, but when it comes to children, I guess it's much harder, but certainly gender theory breaks down pretty quickly when discussed openly. What does it mean to be a man? what does it mean to be a women? There a no profound answers I have every heard that don't rely on regressive sex stereotypes.

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nauticant · 03/03/2019 17:10

What were the obstacles you faced in your transition and what were the obstacles you faced in your detransition?

BrizzleMint · 03/03/2019 17:07

Have you been on a recent television programme?

There was somebody going through the same as you on there. It was a fascinating programme and good to hear the different insights of people at various stages of transitioning or detransitioning.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 03/03/2019 17:06

Great thread OP. Thank you for your responses and being able to open up.

It sounds as though you went through a very difficult time and I'm glad your rational, logical side won over the emotional 'sucks to be a woman' side.

You sound so intelligent and reasonable, just like many MTFs on Twitter (Debbie Kristina Miranda etc) who have accepted their biological reality and seem much happier in themselves than the snarling TWAW brigade.

Thanks for this thread. Flowers

truthisarevolutionaryact · 03/03/2019 17:05

Thank you for coming on here.
I'm another one who wants to know how we can best support young women going through this - especially those who hit this as a response to adolescence (rather than those children who have expressed feelings from an early age)? How do you think we can we support them as they work their way through their feelings while helping to protect them from making life long decisions that will negatively impact on their health and sexual lives in the future?

DisappearingFish · 03/03/2019 16:59

OP, no questions from me but I want to say you are very brave to speak out against the trans narrative and I wish you a very happy and peaceful life. Thanks

newtlover · 03/03/2019 16:59

thanks for this OP
I notice there was another thread in active discussions (I haven't looked at it yet) about losing a religious faith- and something you said really reminded me of the path I took away from religion, which was basically just thinking and thinking and concluding it didn't make any sense to me.
Not wishing to be disrespectful to relgious people at all, I realise many deeply religious people also think carefully about their faith, but I wasn't around people like that then.

Original poster
Dyl101 · 03/03/2019 16:59

WorldBookDays I am a bisexual woman. But to be honest, I am probably more of a lesbian these days, it is something I am still dealing with.

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Original poster
Dyl101 · 03/03/2019 16:57

Knicknackpaddyflak Yes, therapy was very helpful. It took a years of therapy for me to come out the other side. Weirdly enough though, my therapist wasn't massively confirming. She did call me by the name and pronouns I wanted etc, but tended to focus on other areas, such as my childhood etc. At the time I found it frustrating as I through she wasn't fully acknowledging my identity as a man, but I'm grateful to her now.

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Original poster
Dyl101 · 03/03/2019 16:52

Ribosomes Honestly, It is very complicated, but partly I think it was mental health issues, I have complex PTSD from an abusive childhood. I think being unhappy I was looking for a way to find an identity that made sense, and watching the youtube videos of all these people who were really sad and then transitioned and became these good looking men made me think it was a way I could change my life.

Partly I think I was unhappy with my "gender" and still am. I have days where the "gender dysphoria" does come back and I think I would be happier as a man. However, I believe many woman are unhappy with their "gender" because being a women sucks in many ways and the social construct of female are by and large weak, negative traits. I have always been masculine, and more comfortable in mens clothes etc, but I came to realise that doesn't make me a man, it makes is a masculine women, because gender isn't real, it is a construct, and I couldn't reconcile how I could believe that, yet think I had the mind of a man, it had no logic.

I also must say I was sucked in by much of the rhetoric online. If you search for gender dysphoria on forums you will be told if you are questioning these things in means you are probably trans, as "cis people" don't have these thoughts. I now don't believe that at all, I think gender is so restrictive, I imagine many people at one time or another have questioned or been unhappy about it.

I have to say as well, gender dysphoria is very distressing at the time, and becomes all consuming, and I guess for some people, transition is the only choice, but I don't think for all this is the case, many, like me did it for the wrong reasons

OP posts:
Moominfan · 03/03/2019 16:50

Can I ask was your choice to trans influenced or shaped by social media? What help have you been given to detransition? How has the trans community responded to this? And lastly my sister is about to have her first appointment at a gender clinic. We're not on speaking terms. What advice would you give to friends and family