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Original poster

Ftm detransitioner - ask me anything

90 replies

Dyl101 · 03/03/2019 16:16

Hello. The recent clash of feminists v the radical trans lobby has been shocking and troubling. As someone who once identified as a trans man, spent years in therapy, changed my whole identity and appearance, I once would have been 100% behind self ID and the changes to the GDPR. However, I have since renounced much of my previous opinions and have gone so far the other way I am often described as a "terf" online. This is for simply holding rational views that being a woman is not a feeling but a biological reality for most and must be protected as a sex class.

Also as a detransitioner, I found some of the rhetoric I found myself believing very sexist and contrary to anything I had previously thought, that gender was a social construct. In addition, the stuff online (youtube/forums) makes transition seem like a wonderful, freeing way to truly be yourself, and I worry about what impact this narrative will have on impressionable young people.

Anyway, feel free to ask me anything.

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Original poster
Dyl101 · 03/03/2019 22:35

BanginChoons You sound really understanding and that you want the best for her. I don't really have many answers because I don’t know her and it's such a difficult topic and I don't really feel qualified to say but she is really young and doesn't need to rush in to anything. It already sounds like you are supporting her and trying to make it easier so right now you may not know if this is something temporary or not so just continue being supportive, while encouraging her with other aspects/interests in her life, as gender identity can became all consuming.

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BrizzleMint · 03/03/2019 22:18

BrizzleMint No I haven't, I'm very private and keep to myself, but it's good that more detransitioners are speaking out. We are often completely ignored in the narrative.

I think it's important that we all listen to people who are detransitioning as well as those who are transitioning. The programme The Making of Me was fascinating as it put across the views and experiences of real people who were going through the processes rather than the domineering TWAW brigade who cause no end of trouble for the majority of TW/TM.

Original poster
Dyl101 · 03/03/2019 22:05

ChattyLion No I don't mind at all. I feel as a group (which is growing and will only continue to grow) we are completely erased from the narrative, as we don't fit the happy rainbow imagine that some of the lobby like to portray, and I do come across hostility, from activists, not from trans people. How could it work, I really don't know, I can't see some of the charities wanting to work with detransitioners. But I think it would help, especially for young people who may be wanting to stop, but feel so wrapped up in it all among their social group and identity etc that it may be really hard to.

I think also maybe the charities and lobby groups have more of a duty to also acknowledge that we exist, because people questioning their identity need the full story, not just success stories.

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BanginChoons · 03/03/2019 22:02

Hi, I am the parent of a 13 year old who has recently old me she is trans. She is not in a rush to socially transition but wants to bind. She gets very distressed by her periods, I am thinking of asking the gp for the pill so she can have less periods.

My questions: how do I tell if this (transgender) is what she really wants/ who she really is? How do I support her? Do I ask for a clinic referral (there is an 18 month wait).

Thank you for your bravery in discussing this issue.

ChattyLion · 03/03/2019 21:52

I wish you all the best OP. Thank you for the thread.
I wondered if you or any other detranisitioned people you know might feel that it should be part of the remit of the big charities who offer support or advocacy to trans people, to also provide support to detranisitioned people too? Or maybe you feel there should be some kind of standalone organisation specifically set up for detranisitioned people?
I am conscious that there doesn’t seem to be much at all out there in terms of visible professional support available. Or you may feel one to one psychotherapy and peer support are more valuable forms of support, I don’t know, hope you don’t mind me asking.

Thingybob · 03/03/2019 21:41

Thanks for your reply Dyl. Yes I accept some people do feel dysphoric from a very young age and I believe I was, although it wasn't called dysphoria in my day. In my case I think it was due to not being accepted as GNC, living in a family with traditional views regarding gender roles and being expected to adhere to those gender norms (I do believe some people are born with an innate predisposition to be GNC) I would imagine it is similar for others who have early memories of dysphoria

Anyway regardless of any causal factors I accept how distressing dysphoria must be and agree it is correct and necessary to treat some adults but also think it's also correct to explore other avenues initially.

Wishing you self acceptance and happiness.

truthisarevolutionaryact · 03/03/2019 21:18

Thank you for your answer - it makes great sense to focus on all the other aspects of a young person's life - not just the being trans part. I presume that's why the transgender trend suggests that schools shouldn't have special assemblies and focus on a child's decision - it must be so difficult for a child / teenager to change their mind if a whole school has been told of your new identity etc.

You sound so insightful about what has happened to you. Wishing you the very best future Flowers

Knicknackpaddyflak · 03/03/2019 21:14

Thanks for your reply. Flowers I'm glad you found the therapy supportive even though it must have been uncomfortable and challenging at the time. This is something that worries me a lot around child and teenager transitions especially: that therapy that needs to challenge and open up the bigger picture of why the person wishes to transition is hard and uncomfortable and difficult for them - which can make it feel like something that should be avoided out of kindness instead of seeing that discomfort as a sign there are things that need unpacking for the person to feel better in the long term.

I am sorry to hear about the PTSD, it's a hellish condition.

Original poster
Dyl101 · 03/03/2019 21:00

Thingybob Well, I guess the best way to explain it is because I know gender dysphoria is real, and how powerful it feels. And while many people like me have other factors like you say which could influence their decisions, I know some people describe feeling dysphoria from a really young age, like literally some of the first things that they remember. Others try for years, literally 30-40 years, sometimes much longer, to live in their own sex, before they have no choice. They have tried everything, explored all avenues, had therapy, dealt with issues, are happy with their lives in all other aspects, but just cannot shift the dysphoria. So in these cases, I don't know if being born trans is the right terminology, but I believe transition is correct and necessary.

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Thingybob · 03/03/2019 20:38

Hi Dyl thankyou for your contributions on here, it's been very informative.

Just one point I'd like to pick up on is you say you believe some people are born trans so I wondered if you can describe what being born trans looks like?

From reading the accounts of trans people there always seem to be some nurturing and/or environmental reason that could explain the gender dysphoria. Some I've noted are abusive or dysfunctional childhoods, overbearing (Munchhausen?) mothers, homophobic bullying from care givers and/or peers, rejection or exclusion due to being gender non conforming, schools or parents promoting rigid gender roles and feeling different due to being neurodiverse.

Original poster
Dyl101 · 03/03/2019 19:20

nauticant Not that I know of, but I haven't really been looking, I try to stay away from those sorts of things now, and just live my life as best I can. I have felt more compelled to speak up recently due to what has been going on recently with the whole terf v radical lobby, but I still do it anonymously and admire the woman who do speak out and face a backlash.

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nauticant · 03/03/2019 19:10

Are there any online communities of detransitioned women? I'd imagine if they exist they'd have to keep a very low profile and be very on guard against infiltration.

Tenpole · 03/03/2019 19:09

Nothing to ask. Wish you happiness OP.

Original poster
Dyl101 · 03/03/2019 19:01

nauticant Sadly not so much. Complex PTSD can make you very distrustful of others, but I have a very supportive workplace, and a wonderful brother.

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nauticant · 03/03/2019 18:56

Thanks for providing a thoughtful answer.

Do you have a support system around you that you can rely on?

NotTerfNorCis · 03/03/2019 18:54

Thanks Dyl101. I was struck by documentaries about young children who're adamant they're members of the opposite sex. Some are autistic. With others, it's less obvious that something else might be causing it.

Original poster
Dyl101 · 03/03/2019 18:47

Echobelly People weren't as confirming as I would have liked, which I found really frustrating at the time, but had people of asked me those questions, at the time I would have denied it, even to myself, although deep down, I knew there was more than me just being male, and I had other unaddressed issues.

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Original poster
Dyl101 · 03/03/2019 18:43

NotTerfNorCis Yes, I do believe some people are born trans. But I don't think the large numbers that want to transition now are all genuine. I find the rhetoric aimed at children quite troubling, pictures with a pink brain for a girl and blue for a boy etc. Masculine little girls are not boys, and feminine boys are not girls, because gender is a social construct, and it makes me sad that we seem to be taking such a huge step backward to strict gender roles.

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Original poster
Dyl101 · 03/03/2019 18:28

howmanybiscuits Youtube was the main one for me. I might be a bit old for Tumblr, but I hear it's where a lot of teenagers go. I think it was also trans forums like Susan's Place. I wouldn't want to name anyone in particular, but there are some very charismatic, handsome trans men on youtube, which I think glosses over the physical reality of transition, and makes it look easy.

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Original poster
Dyl101 · 03/03/2019 18:22

nauticant - The obstacles I faced in my transition was firstly the extreme stress and anxiety of being obsessed with my gender, and uncomfortable with being perceived as female. Thus I wanted to make myself look as male a possible, through clothes, hairstyle, binding etc. But I found no matter what I did, I still looked female as I have a very feminine face, and this caused me much upset. I found it difficult to present as male in public and I didn't feel safe at all times. I looked very young when presenting as male, and often got ID'd despite being in my late 20's, and did find it quite hard to go from a quite tall, attractive looking women, to a short, scrawny, weird looking masculine presenting person, but I felt I had no choice as gender dysphoria had such a hold on me.

Other things include finding medical examinations embarrassing and stressful, and losing a relationship. Also, there is a long wait to access any kind of NHS therapy/hormones for adults. Sadly I went down the private route eventually.

Obstacles when detransitioning, as I hadn't been on T too long their weren't many physical changes, but I found it hard to let go of everything I had believed and lived for and been so sure about for such a long time. I also felt a bit like I was a fraud in a way, and it's still very confusing, but i'm glad I stopped when I did.

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Original poster
Dyl101 · 03/03/2019 18:07

BrizzleMint No I haven't, I'm very private and keep to myself, but it's good that more detransitioners are speaking out. We are often completely ignored in the narrative.

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Original poster
Dyl101 · 03/03/2019 18:04

truthisarevolutionaryact There are no easy answers, all I can really say is what I have said in a couple of previous replies, this is just my personal perspective, but take the focus away from gender identity. Gender is a restrictive, backwards social construct, not something to be identified with. Genuine gender dysphoria, whereby surgery and full transition is required in order for the person to find peace is right for a small number of people, but I don't think that it what is happening now, especially to a lot of young girls/lesbians. The focus should be on who we are as people, what we want to achieve with our lives, and we all are capable of doing just what we want, regardless of our sex. Gender should be such a small thing, who you are as a person, and what you want to achieve is what matters.

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Echobelly · 03/03/2019 17:59

Thanks for posting, this is all interesting to read about and I hope you find recovery and equilibrium in your life now.

When you were first expressing feelings of being trans, did anyone ask anything like 'Are you sure transitioning is the answer to your problems? Might it be the manifestation of something else?' and if so, how did you respond? Or if they didn't, how did you think you'd have responded to it?

GerryblewuptheER · 03/03/2019 17:50
Flowers

Thank.you for answering Smile

WeRiseUp · 03/03/2019 17:48

That's interesting Dyl101 it really is an identity crisis isn't it? People going through it need reminding of who they are, what they like, are good at. Its important for anyone who is at a low ebb.