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Original poster

Ftm detransitioner - ask me anything

90 replies

Dyl101 · 03/03/2019 16:16

Hello. The recent clash of feminists v the radical trans lobby has been shocking and troubling. As someone who once identified as a trans man, spent years in therapy, changed my whole identity and appearance, I once would have been 100% behind self ID and the changes to the GDPR. However, I have since renounced much of my previous opinions and have gone so far the other way I am often described as a "terf" online. This is for simply holding rational views that being a woman is not a feeling but a biological reality for most and must be protected as a sex class.

Also as a detransitioner, I found some of the rhetoric I found myself believing very sexist and contrary to anything I had previously thought, that gender was a social construct. In addition, the stuff online (youtube/forums) makes transition seem like a wonderful, freeing way to truly be yourself, and I worry about what impact this narrative will have on impressionable young people.

Anyway, feel free to ask me anything.

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NeurotrashWarrior · 05/03/2019 06:49

I find it quite perplexing when I know there are people in education working on how to reduce gender stereotypes due to impact on attainment and mental health, why the gender ideology gumpf isn't being / seen to be included in this.

Identity politics morphing into religious ideology based on pseudoscience.

RepealTheGRA · 04/03/2019 23:38

I'm sorry I can't offer anything better.

I think what you’ve said about focusing on other interests, what they’re like as a person, not dismissing their gender, but not encouraging obsessing over it, is very helpful and insightful. The sooner schools move to this as the official line along with challenging gender stereotypes the better.

SignMeUp · 04/03/2019 23:17

Hello Dyl. Thanks for answering. I'm glad you didn't encounter the lesbian penis. I think it's worse here in North America. In solidarity
Flowers

ChattyLion · 04/03/2019 21:52

maybe the charities and lobby groups have more of a duty to also acknowledge that we exist, because people questioning their identity need the full story, not just success stories.

Thanks for your response OP. I completely agree with your points and I am sorry that there hasn’t been more support on offer from these massive charities for you and other detransitioned people.

Original poster
Dyl101 · 04/03/2019 20:43

rocketromano - I'm working on it :) counselling helps a lot. It's a struggle for sure but I'm doing ok.

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Zwischenwasser · 04/03/2019 20:32

Coming to terms with having an adult female body is hard, due to the reproductive role that biology forces us into, and when you add in the social pressure of gender expectations, the harassment young women experience, abuse, sexism and discrimination, it’s no wonder a lot of young girls think transitioning to male might be the answer they need

So damn true...

Im so glad im old. I was one of the ones who would now be labelled trans from ‘birth‘. My very earliest memories are of crying because I didn’t want to wear a dress or play with the. dolls i was given.

I could never answer the question ’do you want to be a boy‘ truthfully because even as a small kid I knew it wasn’t possible any more than I could become a tiger or a I wonder how I’d have felt if I’d been fed the line I could change?

That dysphoria deepened hugely when I hit puberty, I desperately wanted to ‘unsubscribe‘ from periods, boobs and wolfwhistles.

Im now nearly 50, happily bi, I look like a butch lesbian. I’m me. And as my health inevitably worsens with age I am so fucking glad im not on lifelong medication.

Thank you for posting here OP. I hope you feel at peace. I am so very aware how I could have walked hte same path as you had my circumstances been only slightly different.

Original poster
Dyl101 · 04/03/2019 19:00

mouseymummy - Hello. I haven't seen the thread but that sounds like an incredibly difficult situation :( As I have no knowledge of your daughter personally I wouldn't really feel comfortable giving an opinion or advice. I can only echo what I said before which is continue be a great supportive parent, while encouraging her in other aspects of her life, as at the moment she may be really consumed by gender identity. What things is she good at, what are her hobbies and passions, maybe try to focus on those. I'm sorry I can't offer anything better.

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rocketromano · 04/03/2019 18:56

Hi dyl thanks for posting. It’s really helpful to hear about your perspective. I hope you are ok and getting plenty of support irl. Were you able to access any specialised therapy for your ptsd? Sometimes EMDR is used for this and can be on nhs too. It’s thought to be very helpful in ptsd.
I wish you well for the future Flowers

mouseymummy · 04/03/2019 18:48

Hi op.

I'm not sure if you've seen my thread regarding my 14yo dd.

The tldr is that my dds school have been pushing transitioning on her and told her a pack of lies regarding it. She's currently having a hard time figuring out how she feels about herself etc, as most kids her age do but school seems to have pounced on this and have actually reported me to social services because I have refused to take her to the doctors to start the process.

Do you have any advice for me and dd?

Original poster
Dyl101 · 04/03/2019 18:45

InionEile - When I look back I do have to be honest with myself and say some of my thinking was misogynistic. It had to be, to believe that women and men have different minds, and because I think a certain way that makes me male. And while the physical side of dysphoria is hard, and I guess why many people have to change their bodies with surgery etc, I have seen a growing narrative on trans sites which state you don’t even need to experience any physical dysphoria about your body to be trans, or even want any surgery or hormones at all, but really, what does that leave, other than gender stereotypes.

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NeurotrashWarrior · 04/03/2019 18:42

Thank you Dyl101 that's a good point I hadn't thought of. Thank you again Thanks

Original poster
Dyl101 · 04/03/2019 18:38

DodoPatrol - I don’t really know, but, the vast majority of detransitioners I see on youtube were previously f2m. It’s rare to come across a tran women so it does seem to be the case that it is more common. I do see videos of girls age around 15 saying they are trans and then transitioning straight away, mainly American videos. This is troubling. I didn’t really know what was doing at 15, so to make such a huge decision so quickly seems unwise. I don’t think it is like that in the UK (hopefully)

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Whatisthisfuckery · 04/03/2019 18:34

Dyl101 Thank you for taking the time to answer my question, and all the other questions you’ve patiently and honestly answered on this thread.I hope you manage to find self acceptance and create a happy life for yourself.

Original poster
Dyl101 · 04/03/2019 18:33

SignMeUp – I did join trans groups yes, but didn’t experience anything like that. They were neither positive or negative really, not as welcoming as you may expect, but friendly enough. Incredibly left wing in all aspects. With regards to the penis issue, it wasn’t anything I ever thought about at the time, but I can say with certainty that at the time I completely believed in self ID. I didn’t think about safely issues for women at all. I thought biological sex didn’t matter, anyone should be free to identify however they wanted and there was no real differences between the biological sexes of male and female. This really doesn’t make much sense as I wanted to transition to male. I also believed strongly in non-binary, which is something else I don’t really agree with anymore.

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Original poster
Dyl101 · 04/03/2019 18:24

NeurotrashWarrior I don’t have a positive view of mermaids. But having never looked for official support I’m afraid I don’t know, but I checked Facebook recently and found a tiny number of groups, with around 10 members each, so I don’t think there is much out there. For me personally I just wanted to stop thinking about trans issues and gender completely and so I don’t know if I would have found it helpful at the time or not. It is a lonely place so maybe.

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InionEile · 04/03/2019 18:24

Thanks for sharing your experiences on here Dyl101. One of the things that first alerted me to the inherent misogyny in the TRA world was how all the campaigns focused so much on the MtF experience, rather than the FtM. It seems like some kind of warped misogyny to me where, again, even in the trans world where we are supposed to believe that there is a leftist enlightened perspective, the male point of view predominates and the needs of biological females are overlooked.

I’m glad you found your way to happiness in some way without putting your body through surgery and other medical extremes. You sound like you are in a very healthy place now.

It’s so sad that so many young girls are being led down the trans path rather than being reassured that a lot of us females struggle with the biological reality of being female and feel body dysphoria of some kind in adolescence.

Coming to terms with having an adult female body is hard, due to the reproductive role that biology forces us into, and when you add in the social pressure of gender expectations, the harassment young women experience, abuse, sexism and discrimination, it’s no wonder a lot of young girls think transitioning to male might be the answer they need. It would be great to hear more from detransitioners like you who have seen the other side of the trans agenda.

Original poster
Dyl101 · 04/03/2019 18:20

FWRLurker – That is a very hard question, and it is something I have thought about, especially for trans women as once they have gone though puberty the changes are much harder to reserve/to pass. I don’t know if we will ever really know, but I think honest dialog will help, which is what is lacking now. We need to identity children and adults to who have histories of child abuse and trauma etc, or even homophobic bullying and other issues which may be influencing their decision, and work through those before any medical changes are made. I don’t know too much about how it works with children, but I imagine for parents it must be really difficult,

My view has changed, but I can’t deny I was lucky that my dysphoria has eased to a certain extent. But don’t get me wrong, I do think there are extreme elements on both sides, and I don’t agree with people who call trans women men for example. However, I think that women as a sex class should be a protected characteristic, and that the protections and rights women have fought for need to be upheld, so my opinion has shifted in that sense. In the past I would have seen that as bigoted. Listening to talks from feminists and reading blogs and posts about these issues and taking part in the discussions also played a part in shifting my opinion. I found a lot of the trans lobby lacking in logic, it was just, you disagree, so you are a transphobe.

No. Due to personal reasons I have a distrust of the medical profession in general, and only contact them on a need to know basis.

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Original poster
Dyl101 · 04/03/2019 18:05

Whatisthisfuckery - I don’t want to go in to too much detail about T as I don’t feel I have the expertise, and was on it for such a short time. Also, it is hard to find accurate information about the long term effects, but one thing I do think is that given I have a number of pre-existing gynecological issues, I believe it would have caused me some serious side effects had I stayed on it long term.

With regards to your second question, that is exactly how I experienced it. I myself didn’t really know trans men existed until my teenage years, and the narrative is almost entirely around M2F. Figures I guess given the sexism is society… I found even among LGBT circles, there was a huge ignorance around f2ms, to the extent that I was once at a LGBT social with another transman in his 40s, and he mentioned he had a girlfriend. A few people asked him why he was there, and he said he was trans, and the reactions was shock because he looked so male etc. So most people don’t really know anything about trans man at all, and it’s quite sad.

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DodoPatrol · 04/03/2019 09:39

Dyl, almost all the detransition stories that I've come across have been young women, often around their mid-twenties. Do you have any feeling for whether it's more common amongst women or whether male regret/detransition rates are similar?

SignMeUp · 04/03/2019 07:14

Thank you for posting here and answering all these questions I also admire and encourage you in your healing and life path.

I'm curious what your interactions with LGBTQ groups. Did you join a student org. or support/social scene in real life? I've heard of some instances where adult MtF people really influencing young women and even pressuring them to be accepting as lesbians. Did you ever believe that penis can be female?

NeurotrashWarrior · 04/03/2019 06:46

Someone on mn made the point that groups like mermaids don't offer support to the detransitioners.

Is there any official support on this.

FWRLurker · 04/03/2019 00:29

Thanks for taking the time. I’m American and frankly horrified of what’s going on over here. I have 2 major questions:

  1. Do you think it will ever be possible to tell the difference between someone who should and should not transition physically, before it is too late? And to follow up what’s your view on the ethics of allowing transition either for teens or for adults vs gatekeeping?
  1. Given your view has changed so much, but you used to be indistinguishable from the pro-trans social media crowd, I’ve always wanted to see some sort of documentation of this, cataloging the social contagion/unwarranted belief aspect. I feel it could be so useful to show that someone who is set on transition can change.
  1. Sorry one more. It seems like detransition rates are likely way underestimated, because resisters / detrans will just stop going to the clinic, whereas those who persist will continue to need medical care. Have you thought about contacting your docs to let them know what happened to you? I just think it could make a big difference to their practice to realize this actually can occur.
Whatisthisfuckery · 03/03/2019 23:53

OP thank you for making this thread. I admire your bravery in speaking out. I’m a prideful little shit and I personally know I would find it difficult. I have a couple of questions if you would be so kind.

I’ve been on and off a lot of medication, and I wondered, when you went on Testosterone, were there side affects?

Also, unrelated, When I read about issues surrounding transitioning and identifying as trans, 99% of the narrative seems to be centred around the experiences and needs of MtF. Did you find this, and did you find as a female transitioning to a male identity, that you were overshadowed and felt marginalized in comparison to MtF transitioners?

My apologies if you respond this evening and I don’t get to see it until tomorrow.

Voice0fReason · 03/03/2019 23:03

Thank you so much for sharing all of this. There must be so many women like you who have been caught up by the trans train. We need people like you to speak up because it shows young women and girls that there is a way forward that doesn't involve changing their bodies.

knitandpearl · 03/03/2019 22:43

Thank you for writing so honestly and articulately