Families of trans kids/teens/adults

Our kids really need to know that we will stick by them whatever happens. I was, and still am, worried sick about the future.

ASD kids I think might struggle understanding how other people see them, as well as struggling to understand themselves. Changing gender just adds a whole layer of complexity that is going to make everything more difficult.

And we all know that our ASD kids are in some ways years behind their peers in terms of emotional maturity. They may be older teenagers or adults on paper but 4-5 years younger, if that makes sense?

I really worry that adult gender clinics won't take that into account.

So many of us feeling that this thing isn't 'real'. I too think my 14yo DD isn't 'really' trans. She listens to me when I try and question things carefully but there's no shifting her at the moment. It scares me so much. I hate to think of the irreversible things she might do to herself.

My (autistic) son told me he was transgender a few weeks ago. There has been no depression, no anxiety, no indications of unhappiness at all. I am usually quite good at spotting when something is bothering him and then work on finding out what it is. It usually turns out to be school or holiday (travelling) related. Apparently this started at puberty, which is about 4/5 YEARS ago and i had no idea here was anything wrong. I told him right from the start it would be ok and I would support them, but I am struggling to actually feel that it will ever be ok. I look at the future and just see how hard it will be for him. He said he wanted me to contact a gender identity clinic, but I’m terrified that will push him further in when what I really want is for counselling to get to the bottom of it and realise they are just ‘copying’ a recently out freind. But I don’t know if it’s copying or if he just got confidence to come out because of said freind. At 16 too I don’t get any say in what happens now. He has changed his name at home and with a few friends, we are respecting that because I don’t want the very small line of communication to close completely but deep down I’m broken by it all.

Thanks RedRosa I have tried to talk to her, especially about her online presence and the manipulation of others but she doesn't want to listen because 'they are her friends who understand her'. We have talked about feminism and stereotypes and I have always tried to instill in all my DC that they can be and do whatever they want, dress however they like and don't have to follow a path. When she was in Yr 11 she said that her group of friends were the queer group but it felt like they were playing roles because they didn't fit it anywhere else. She had one particularly toxic friend who I think has not helped, and I hoped when they went to separate colleges things would change but I think my DD has kept this persona to help her make the transition to college as it's easier than being who she is - which is different.

Sorry I am tired and the structure of that comment was off, you get my points though probably. Best of luck.

InterestingNC, I think it is hard for AS teens because it is almost a perfect storm for them. AS (autistic spectrum) folk often prefer online stuff because it feels easier than face to face and a lot of tran ideology is spread online. As an AS teen you often struggle with your body because 1) it's changing/changed and change is scary, 2) sensory issues mean that the body has never been very comfortable and most of us are a bit dissociated from our bodies and prefer to live in a safer fantasy world, 3) female AS people are especially vulnerable to sexism because we tend not to follow feminine conditioning so we are marked as 'not right' for our sex, and we are also more often victims of abuse and harassment because we don't understand neurotypical boys/mens manipulation, 4) we have often been socially excluded and so any social group which will accept us (e.g. trans activists) are appealing, 5) maybe we can be different in a way that is "in vogue" rather than just being then awkward AS kid.

Are you able to point her to some gender critical reading? Educate her in feminism? Question sex stereotypes? Appeal to her logical side? I'm not sure if like with cults it's best not to directly challenge the beliefs of the cult, though. It's a tricky one.

Just popping in to say Hi from the Trans Widows thread. Solidarity x

That reply was to SoloClarinet, I should have written that, I'm not sure how to do the "quoting" thing.

I think you're probably right. I'm wishing you all the best and I hope that you manage to all get through it. You seem like a really caring mum and it's good she has your support.

I have NC to reply but am interested in this conversation. DD (17) told me she was trans about 6 months ago (f2m) after she had been spending a lot of time online. She says I am not supportive and changed her name at college to a general male/female name. But it is the mention of AS/autism that interests me as we are going to a diagnosis. She has a tendancy to obsess/become totally focussed on things and I worry that this is one of those things.

She has a different persona online (her older DS watches and keeps me informed) and although she has times when she insists she hates her body/name/life I am struggling to believe she is actually trans which she thinks is me being transophobic. She has difficult in social situations in real life which makes her feel different to other people, however she has not until recently said she was a boy. She might not have been particularly 'girly' for a few years but neither am I. I worry that the time spent online, talking to a certain group of people is similar to the brainwashing mentioned by a PP. She has just changed her name (waiting for the document) but isn't insisting we use it at home and I feel it was done almost as a dare, because she told everyone she was going to do it iyswim. I'm really struggling with it to be honest, I want to support her but just don't know if she is being genuine or not.

Redrose - thank you for your kind and helpful reply. I really hope that time and love and maturity will work its magic. I really think that if she had been born a few years earlier or a few years later, we wouldn't be here now.

Soloclarinet, my heart goes out to you and your child. That was me at 18 saying I was a boy. I am autistic too. What helped me is when people asked what I meant by "a boy"? And then when I answered with sex stereotypes they pointed out that these were sex stereotypes and asked if I could think of anything that wasn't a sex stereotype. That helped me reflect. Not all at once but over a couple of years those questions kept on coming back to me.

I'm sure you did all this already, sorry if I am giving unhelpful suggestions.

It is much different now than when I was that age (only 13years ago, but a lot has changed). There is much more pressure on young people know from trans activist types and the whole culture of trans stuff being what most nonconforming children now identify with.

As an autistic teen it is very hard not to want to join with something which might give you more social points or cool points. I think it's also a way for undiagnosed AS teens to get their difference recognised by adults, especially if they didn't always know about being AS. Best of luck.

Sorry. Link went wrong. This is the book.

www.amazon.co.uk/When-Harry-Became-Sally-Transgender-ebook/dp/B06Y39GXWF

I have a female born child who is FTm. Told us at age 18 after a period of horrible depression and anxiety. Has always been GNC but never ever previously said she wanted to be a boy. We now know she is autistic. It is honestly the hardest thing I have dealt with. We are supportive - name change, official documents changed etc, but the longer it goes (2 years plus) on the more convinced I am that she is not transgender. I am so grateful that the waiting list for the gender clinic is so long, and I dread the appointment coming. But whatever the outcome she will always have our love and support.

Most of all I am so angry that non conforming, vulnerable young people are being cheerleaded into cosmetic surgery and a lifetime of dependence on chemical, like that is a good thing.

I have a cousin in late teens recently come out as trans (m2f/nonbinaryish) and TBH, with them it makes perfect sense of everything we know about them literally since they could talk, and I feel that their exploring it, whatever the outcome, won't do them any harm and will probably be good for them.

But I totally get that if, for example, one of my teenage nieces was to suddenly declare she was male, I'd be thinking 'Whoa, this makes no sense and has come out of nowhere, so it can't be right and she needs help to identify what the issue truly is' (and I think the family would think so too). So I totally understand that not accepting a child's 'transness' can be an act of compassion and love, not transphobia.

Someone posted a link to this book on another thread. You might find something helpful there?

go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06Y39GXWF/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21

Sorry I disappeared. I've been away for a bit and forgot about this thread till now.

I have a teen who identifies as transgender.

It's been around 7 years now so we were going through this before it became what it is now.

It was really hard to start with. Now, in a lot of ways, it's more difficult. There's nobody challenging, no mental health help, everything is so positive, to the point of brainwashing.

This shouldn't be an easy path.

I have been supportive since around 18 months into my child telling me they feel this way.

My support has helped so much, and my child knowing that I am there means I can discuss every single aspect if this without being accused of transphobia.

It's very difficult, but ultimately I think being supportive but questioning is the way forward. You don't have to agree with everything to be supportive.

They're so far from homophobic it's almost funny -- the kind of family who probably would think they were doing something wrong if one of their kids wasn't gay.

Goodness knows what literature if any they've seen. It did sound like the school's reaction was all 'Gosh how lovely! Rainbows for everyone!' rather than 'What are the medical implications and how can we support your child's mental health needs as they contemplate some life-changing decisions?'