Cosmopolitan - Bleeding after anal sex

Cross post with iam.

That's awful

BoglingtoAswad, my ex recognised few boundaries. Once he’d tried to kill me, I pretty much knew he wasn’t going to develop a deep and wholesome respect for me as an individual.

I’m not saying that women can’t, won’t or shouldn’t enjoy anal that they participate in by choice. But they need to be aware of the risks involved, as well as the potential satisfactions. And the definitely need to know that this is an option not an expectation.

I have no idea how or where but I actually was taught that sex includes non penetrative activity. And had a lot of fun with that in my 20s

I’ve been looking for somewhere to talk about this. I’m mid 30’s and when I was at secondary school (12-16) I had a friend at a catholic school. Big city school. They preserved their virginity over everything else. Lots of girls at the school thought having anal sex was the way to keep their virginity. Like more than 3 or 4. And I can tell you they definitely could have done with knowing more about it. They could have done with actual sex education too obviously.

Who is behind all this. The destruction of our children the normalising of anything goes.

Yes that's it time. thanks. This woman is already brainwashed into thinking this is normal, should be normal, and she's the one with the problem.

I have no issue with some people's preference for this.

Kids shouldn't be taught it's normal.

Ltb.

No is a complete sentence.

Consent is another one that got turned against us

"That is all we need to teach our children - that consent is everything"

Yes BUT men and boys have learned that as long as they can get that magic "OK then", then that is a green light for whatever they want.

The take home message on consent for men and boys is (always was?) use any means necessary to get that yes and then go for it.

I think this may be the article you mean, NeurotrashWarrior

It's a gruesome read:

slate.com/human-interest/2019/01/anal-sex-dislike-advice-how-to-do-it-stoya.amp?__twitter_impression=true

LTB.

"How did it all go so terribly wrong and backwards for our daughters? I feel we have failed to empower and educate them- perhaps we took it for granted that they would have the same freedom as us?"

Bab - it's not womens or girls fault!
The porn industry is not driven by women no matter how much they like to claim it is
Women and girls are not the ones who since forever have had checklists that are more important than their partners pleasure or even comfort

Our sexual liberation has been turned against us by men, as they seem to manage to turn most of our gains against us.

This study is relevant:

Results Anal heterosex often appeared to be painful, risky and coercive, particularly for women. Interviewees frequently cited pornography as the ‘explanation’ for anal sex, yet their accounts revealed a complex context with availability of pornography being only one element. Other key elements included competition between men; the claim that ‘people must like it if they do it’ (made alongside the seemingly contradictory expectation that it will be painful for women); and, crucially, normalisation of coercion and ‘accidental’ penetration. It seemed that men were expected to persuade or coerce reluctant partners.

Conclusions Young people's narratives normalised coercive, painful and unsafe anal heterosex. This study suggests an urgent need for harm reduction efforts targeting anal sex to help encourage discussion about mutuality and consent, reduce risky and painful techniques and challenge views that normalise coercion.

bmjopen.bmj.com/content/4/8/e004996

I had an anal fissure after I had my second child. Oh my fucking god the pain. I’ve never known anything like it, tears streaming down my face and full on sobs whenever I tried to go to the loo. Why the fuck are we telling young girls that’s Ok?

Girls and boys should be made aware that these things that used to be pretty niche and something that people would grow into > so more experienced adults exploring things that interested them and so likely to be safer

They are pretty advanced sex and the idea that these acts are expected in girls first relationships is grim

Yes, I'm 45 and have never had a partner or one-night stand even ask for anal sex.

"I also don’t like this line that men pressuring women to do anal is new - it isn’t and I think it’s harmful to perpetuate this ‘didn’t happen in my day’ type attitude. "

I'm 45.

When I was young they pressured for "doggy" and blow jobs.
The behaviour has not changed but the things they want to "try" have got much more advanced, likely to injure the woman, and less likely for the woman to enjoy. Deep throating, anal, choking, slapping etc.

not read the whole thread

observations on the article

1. they talk about internal tearing. this increases the likelihood of transmission of std. anal sex is more risky for catching stds than vaginal sex exactly because of the higher liklihood of tears, however small. this is not mentioned in the article
2. despite this, condoms are only mentioned once and in the context that they will add extta lube and maybe make it "easier". no mention of stds. this is highly irresponsible
3. NO MENTION of it's OK if you dont like it, you don't have to do it, how to handle a man who is coercing or pressurising you (they nevr seem to bother with this stuff any more even though for many women this will be the main issue they face with anal sex - they don't want it and their man does)
4. "Nandi added it's not uncommon for people to jump into rough anal sex too quickly and experience tearing or bleeding because they didn't exercise enough precaution." People? Who is not exercising enough precaution? We all know what this little line is really talking about, I think. Who during anal sex is more likely to be gung ho and carry on even if the woman is in pain, I wonder? Hmmmm?

Yes it's totally about normalisation
Obviously some women enjoy anal
However many young women adn girls are beign coerced, and injured
Articles like this MUST focus on consent, that's it's OK to say no, how to deal with a man who just won;t let up, and if you want to do it here is some advice and always use a condom unless you are 100% confident in your partner.

This isn’t about discussing- it’s pushing a message that anal is the norm and that if your boyfriend asks for it, you should give it to him unless you’re a prude. There’s enough pressure on girls to have vaginal sex without adding in anal, choking and fisting.

This. It’s grim. Anal and violent sex are normalised for young women now in a way they just weren’t when I was a teen in the 80s and 90s.

That is all we need to teach our children - that consent is everything

I actually don't think this is the issue. I think we have got to the stage where girls and young women are being encouraged to 'consent' to sex which causes pain. Which is what that article is pushing really.

I think we are really back to the basics of sex being mutually enjoyable, based and respect and equality. Girls having self respect and self regard and being confident in asserting their own pleasure and preferences. And being self assured enough to say no and to withstand any resulting pressure or emotional manipulation.

It's quite easy to get into a state where you 'consent' to doing something not in your own best interests out of a misplaced concern for another. Especially for girls and women who are far more likely to say they should put other people's feelings before their own than boys are.

In order to consent you need to know the risks - these are not properly explained in that article which is normalising risky sex

Whether it is anal or vaginal or oral sex isn't really the problem here. it is more about consent. That is all we need to teach our children - that consent is everything. Then they are free to experiment and try new things as they wish, knowing that they have decided themselves what they are happy with.

Advice about types of sex are useful as long as they are offered alongside advice on saying no, communicating with your partner etc. I think many sex advice columns/magazines aimed at teenagers do this quite well.

I’m very surprised this doctor quoted in this article didn’t mention the other major issue with anal which is the increased risk of BBV ie HIV / hepatitis c with anal sex (due to the localised tears/ bleeding). It’s much more risky esp as I imagine men would be less likely to use a condom (as no risk of pregnancy). Anal STIs in general are becoming more common
Any self respecting doctor would be pointing this out imo - plus the risk of anal fissure, rectal prolapse, faecal incontinence all of which are real risks of anal sex

I feel so sad for teenage girls now. Blood and tearing during sex are not in any way normal.

What happened to sex being something two people do together for mutual pleasure? Now it all seems to be men acting out porn on women who are passive recipients with no thought of their pleasure or comfort.

Batteries it’s true though. The number of teen girls who have had anal sex is huge compared to 15 years ago. It’s not just old fogies saying it was different in their day- it literally was

Yes, this is true. I've heard a spokeswoman for a family planning service saying it used to be rare for girls and women to ask about anal sex/ come in with issues around this,, but now it is common.

The normalising of anal sex is a massive sexual social change. And I really don't think it is because swathes of woman have found they all really, really enjoy being buggered. It's because of porn and because of articles like the one linked to.

women have been told to put up and shut up for time immemorial Yeah, but not in the teen mags I read in the 80's, where we were told NOT to put up and shut up . Unlike the article above and the teen vogue one.

Littlebrowndog - I hear ya, me too

I agree with you batteries but I think with porn being accessible to anyone anywhere has made it so that for the first time, women are being made to feel grateful for it. Like we should be loving it, and if we aren't then we need to learn to do it better as we're defective. It's tricking women. Whereas before, women had no choice as such but took it as something to put up with? I mean, I don't know I'm just speculating.

Batteries it’s true though. The number of teen girls who have had anal sex is huge compared to 15 years ago. It’s not just old fogies saying it was different in their day- it literally was.

Also, this is a magazine for girls. Fuck subtle messages. If they want to tell them they have bodily autonomy, tell them. Don’t talk in riddles. Besides, in porn, anal is rarely a hassle and often doesn’t even require lube. So girls feel a failure if they can’t live up to this and it’s what boys expect.