Surname change after marriage

Why is it so crazy to believe people change their names because they have a difficult to spell/pronounce name?

Because I know many men with hard to pronounce, often foreign surnames. Not only did they keep their surname on marriage, but their wives now have this hard-to-pronounce-and-spell surname too. And their children.

Number 3 definitely drove my decision not to fight against DC having DH's surname. Familial pressure above all was the main driver (itself driven by societal and cultural pressure).

However - whilst I know many women who have kept their surname on marriage, in every case bar one their children have their husband's surname

We had long discussions around this. Couldn’t decide.

In the end dh won as he is divorced- he has two children and the shit he goes through having to phone up schools, gp’s etc to discuss the children and their needs. We have had to draw up solicitors letters on several occasions when gp’s or teachers refused to meet him without the childs mother present.

Even though he has PR this did drive home how difficult it is as a single father, and if he didn’t have the same name it would be producing birth/marriage/divorce certs constantly. A man travelling alone with a child of a different surname is a whole different ballgame to a woman.

Them having a different name people automatically assume stepdad or male relative/friend. When we took a stepdc to a&e once i was automatically assumed to be mum, but dh was still asked if a) he was dad and b) did he have parental responsibility.

So yes, we went with dh’s name especially as one of us frequently travels alone with a child.

The kids know though that should they want to use my name they are perfectly entitled to. I am of non- uk heritage; evident in my name so should they want to live and work in that country they can use that name.

My mother’s surname, that is my middle name and which my cousin chose to take after her divorce because she identified more with our grandmother than her father is a welsh name that our Jewish great grandfather chose when he found himself in Britain as a teen with a German surname that was imposed on his family because they lived within the Austro-Hungarian empire when surnames were imposed upon them.

This conversation happens reasonably regularly. We all carry cultural baggage and much of that is unexamined on an individual level. Humans are pretty good at telling ourselves we are making choices on our own and not because of societal expectations. It’s how we deal with cognitive dissonance.

So we who changed our names have 3 options. 1. We say that we did it not because of tradition but because of personal reasons like hating original surname

1. We tell ourselves that if circumstances were different we would have made the choice to keep our name.
2. Or we recognise that there was massive social and cultural pressure to our private decision. That one is hard.

Yet to challenge those changing theirs is not usually ever voiced. And often not openly admitted as being because it’s the status quo.

I think a lot of this is because so many people are unable to step outside their own personal experience and critique things from a distance. Instead they get all hufty.

We should all be ready to say 'yes, I am a feminist but not every decision I make is a feminist one and it's up to me to decide how much of a problem that is'. But we should be prepared to really think about our decisions and own them.

Honestly I’m sorry if I’ve offended anyone.

(I have a difficult to pronounce and spell name).

Not read the whole thread but I got this when I married. As well as my own name, I keep Miss as, just like any man, I refuse to change my prefix according to my marital status and just keep my original one.

My response to being questioned veers from short and simple "why would I ever sacrifice my own name?" too the flippant "oh well statistically we'll probably get divorced anyway" but occasionally I'll launch into a rant about historical patriarchal systems of asset ownership.

If truth be told, I probably enjoy the ranting opportunity a little bit

I guess it goes back to the original OPs post. She’s getting berated for not changing her name.

Yet to challenge those changing theirs is not usually ever voiced. And often not openly admitted as being because it’s the status quo.

I don’t want to berate anyone for their choices. However we probably should, gently, question them?

I have a male friend whose Turkish father changed the spelling of their name to the phonetic version when they moved here in the 70s. Still the same name, but they felt it reduced confusion over the pronunciation.

My Polish great uncle also changed his first and last name to a shortened version when he moved to the UK in the 40s. Now it might be different, but back then he said it made his life easier.

Kennehora: They're your children, not hers.

Indeed they are and it is for the good our whole family relationship that I have only taken on one half of the battle. I’m not going to fight every sexist outdated tradition - who could?! We pick what is important to us and leave the rest.

I have a surname that many people are foxed by. I get loads of 'huh?'. 'how do you spell that?, 'where's that from?'. It's almost a ritual now whenever I tell someone my name for the first time.

I thought so too
It still sounds equally weird when it’s anglicised though - kind of how some people say “cerstificate” instead of “certificate”. You can work out what hey are trying to say but it just sounds wrong

Sensible man!

Vilainess
Actually my dad did use an Anglicised version of the name at work, because it’s difficult to spell and pronounce!

’Why is it so crazy to believe people change their names because they have a difficult to spell/pronounce name?’

This seems to be something that afflicts only women. Did your male relatives change their surname to one that was easier to spell?

DH and I were together for ten years before we married - having different names wasn't a problem for us then, so the idea of changing names after marriage didn't really come up. My name is MY name.
We had DCs before we married as well - they're registered with his surname - we did consider a double barrel, but our surnames don't really work well together, and I like the fact that there is an obvious link between them and him. I don't know why I didn't feel the need for an equivalent obvious link, perhaps getting them cut and pulled out of me was enough!!
But now 9 years later, both DH's parents are dead, his sis is married with a name change, so the only people left in his family sharing his surname are our two DCs. And I feel that is really important to him, and also to me. So our decision years ago is the right one for us.

Bananasinpyjamas11

I explained exactly why I changed my name. It's trite, and it's rather shallow, which I conceded. I don't really care if you believe me or not, but your attitude was and still is very patronising. I don't like being patronised and told that I mean one thing when I've clearly said another. I don't need a translator, thank you.

So men are born with their own name and women are merely borrowing a man's name. Gotcha.

Why is it so crazy to believe people change their names because they have a difficult to spell/pronounce name? That was literally my only reasoning in my decision. There was no ulterior motive from the ingrained patricarchy
I just got sick of having a surname constantly mispronounced (it only really sounds right with a polish accent anyway), and misspelled - it has 7 consonants If we’d have got married and lived in Poland I would have without doubt kept my name and then double-barrelled our DCs names. My name just sounds ridiculous when English people try to say it

At what point can a woman call a name her own? I'd love to know.

Me too. I don't suppose there are any, unless you are known by the work you do (and even then, it's always been the man's name that's been given to the children).

I guess the way to solve that would be changing your name to whatever you want it to be. Just choose a surname that resonates with you, irrespective of family ties or traditions, and use it. Then it would truly be yours, wouldn't it?

Ouch! I actually really don’t want to come across as horrible. I have many friends who have the same reasons etc. I’m sorry that was blunt, however it can be quite demoralising, as someone who didn’t change their name, to see so obviously that someone is changing for gender reasons (and totally their choice tbh) - but dressing it up as something else.

But as I said, I’m basically a live and let live person so I don’t want to upset you or anyone.

Hmmm

"I don't think for a moment"

You could have stopped right there, Bananasinpyjamas11.

I believe you.