Surname change after marriage

The fact that it's feminists setting the new rules (you WILL keep your name after marriage) doesn't make it right.

Nobody's saying you have to keep your name. Don't be silly.

But this is a 'Feminism' board so obviously the discussion is going to focus on the gendered nature of name-changing. And however people may try to skirt around it, changing you name IS a gendered decision. Almost no man - not even right-on feminst types - would ev want ten consider doing it. Very many women do without much of a thought.

If you want to abandon your name in favour of a man's, by all means go ahead. But let's not pretend this decision isn't being made in a context where a woman's identity is still considered dependent on a man, and where marriage is still considered the ultimate 'achievement' for women.

Ah yes, Spain. Peaceful, women friendly Spain.

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-46921214?intlink_from_url=www.bbc.co.uk/news/topics/c302m85qenvt/spain&link_location=live-reporting-story" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-46921214?intlink_from_url=www.bbc.co.uk/news/topics/c302m85qenvt/spain&link_location=live-reporting-story

So this chap, Jose Javier Salvador Calvo is named Salvador after his father, and Calvo after his mother? Correct?

Of course, the order of his names is so much more important than anything else.

Kennehora - because I think that the last 30/40 years has seen immense social change in regards to family set ups, which all has an impact on things like name changing / retention

When I was growing up, I didn't know anyone whose parents had divorced until I was 10, never mind divorced and re-married. There was one family in our primary school with a single parent. I didn't know any out gay people until I was at secondary school, certainly not (out) gay parents.

My children have grown up with all of the above being completely normal, fairly common and un-noteworthy. Although they don't directly impact on the "shall I change my name when I get married?" question, they all help inform the circumstances in which people are making the decision

Sorry, that was flippant, but it does seem that we're just replacing one set of rules with another. The fact that it's feminists setting the new rules (you WILL keep your name after marriage) doesn't make it right.

Or we could just do as they do in Spainm and in the rest of the Spanish speaking world. Both partners keep their names, and the children take both. The only thing I'd change is the tradition for the man's name to take precedence, but other than that, it's a system which seems to work without problems for hundreds of millions of people.

Maybe the best solution would be to make it law that everyone, on marriage, changes their name. Each happy couple is allocated a brand new name to use, that bears no resemblance to their old names. Their old identities are wiped clean, they no longer exist. Using their original names is "dead naming" them and people will be charged and prosecuted for not giving them their new names. Does that sound familiar?

I love the way Ms sounds. Feels so much more modern than either Miss or Mrs. It's nice to use.

Personally I only changed my surname because his was better, my previous surname was annoying.

Do you have any male relatitives who are married? Did they also replace their 'annoying' names with their wives' 'better' ones?

Personally I only changed my surname because his was better, my previous surname was annoying.

He is under no illusions that I did it for tradition or through transfer of ownership

I really, really regret changing my name on marriage. I had lots of stupid embarrassing reasons - his name was unusual and posh and double barrelled, and I wanted to send a clear signal to my ex that he could get to fuck, and I was giddy about finally getting married in my 40s . But now I share a surname with my stepchildren, who I do actually love, but not my own children, who obviously I love also (they have my birth surname). And it's never really felt like me. Plus it's a stupid unpronounceable type of double barrel, and without fail whenever I speak to anyone new on the phone I have to repeat it and spell it. And double barrels are a pain in the arse on forms. I wish I'd never changed it. I've changed it back at work, and I want to change it back in real life too but (a) I can't face the admin and (b) DH will be upset. He won't try to stop me, and understands why I don't like it, but I know he'll see it as a clear statement of intent, which it isn't. I just wish I'd never changed it. Funnily enough, my own children are very much against me changing it because they don't want their stepdad to be hurt. They're boys though, wonder if they'd get it more if they were girls. I thought I'd raised them to be feminists too.

Context is everything, isn't it? What looks ridiculous to a generation raised now was commonplace and unquestioned 60 years ago.

True, but my point is that Anglicising your name isn't at all the same thing as abandoning your name and taking your spouse's instead. Almost no man - not hen, not now - would even consider doing that, yet it remains the norm for women.

*I have a male friend whose Turkish father changed the spelling of their name to the phonetic version when they moved here in the 70s. Still the same name, but they felt it reduced confusion over the pronunciation.

Why didn't he do what so many women say they do in these circumstances, and take his wife's name? Problem solved!*

He was born in the 30s so I guess it just wasn't something that happened in the decade that they they married (1950s). Plus, he was married to a Turkish woman who possessed an equally unfamiliar name to the english of the 70s.

Context is everything, isn't it? What looks ridiculous to a generation raised now was commonplace and unquestioned 60 years ago.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread. //
Just wanted to say that my mum married my dad 32 years ago and did not take his surname. 30 years+ later and some members of the family still address cards etc to her under my fathers surname rather than her own. My surname is the same as hers. It never bothered my dad at all but people would often comment, which I found weird.

I'm now 28 and just married. Keeping my own surname!! For now at least. I'll change it if and when I want to. Have already had a couple of comments including from MIL. Which I find really hypocritical as DH has her surname rather than his dad's (they never married / long time separated).

Yes - I get this and now my new sister- in- law is doing the same. My MIL actually phoned me to tell me that she’d sent me a cheque in my other name. I pointed out that I only had the same name I’d ever had. Bloody rude.

I grew up in the suburbs of London in the 80s and also never knew any married women who kept their own name.

I grew up in the 80s, 90s, I didn't know a single person who changed their name. All families had the same name. We were quite rural though...

most of us (I'm mid 40s, which I think it similar to most FWR regulars) we grew up with the outright expectation that a woman would change her name on marriage; that a woman who didn't do that was weird;

I'm a similar age and definitely did not grow up "with the outright expectation that a woman would change her name on marriage." Yes it was - and sadly still is - the norm but even then there were loads of exceptions. We're not talking about the 1950s here.

I have a male friend whose Turkish father changed the spelling of their name to the phonetic version when they moved here in the 70s. Still the same name, but they felt it reduced confusion over the pronunciation.

Why didn't he do what so many women say they do in these circumstances, and take his wife's name? Problem solved!

Why is it so crazy to believe people change their names because they have a difficult to spell/pronounce name?

Because 'people' don't change their names for these reasons.

Women do.

I'm sure you know lots of Polish men who have married British women and also have names which are difficult to spell/pronounce. How many of them have taken their wife's name?

We have 4 different surnames in our household and its not been a problem.

I have my name
Husband has his name
Kids have my name - his name
Step kids have their mums name - his name

No one has ever found this counfusing or asked lots of questions about it . Ive had the occasional raised eyebrow which i give the aforementioned Paddington hard stare. I must be bloody terrifying !

The few times anyone has asked me about our names, I reply as if they had asked me “ why didnt your husband change his name when he married you? “.

So person filling in forms askes for names and marital status. When i say married they say “ oh I assumed cohabiting , is X your own name ?“.

So i say “ yes X is my own surname and Y is my husband’s own surname. Neither of us use anyone else’s name “.

“ why didn’t you change your name? “

“ my husband didnt want to change his name, he’d had it for 35 years and was very attached to it. I know lots of women would object but I love him and wanted him to be happy.” Etc etc

“ Didn’t you want to all have the same name ?”

“ My husband didnt want to change his name. For some reason he thought it would affect his career and be so much unnessaary paperwork. So I guess it doesn't bother him. “

I love 'Ms' and have been one since I was about 14. Some people seem to have a visceral hatred of it though.

Yeah, that's me. I don't know why I dislike it so much, but I really do. I know why I should use it rather than Mrs, but I really can't bring myself to do so

I dislike the actual sound of ms when you say it and hate how difficult some people seem to find "hearing" it. It's like it's on another soundwave both because of the sound of the word but also because it is not expected. I was Ms for a long time despite this but now use Dr, which seems to bring with it a whole other dimension of embarrassment which I wasn't expecting...!

I agree with Olenna's post above. These things take time. I remember when I realised I didn't have to change my name (maybe 7 or 8 years old), and I felt really grounded in who I am. It didn't stop me scrawling my firstname next to celebrity surnames - oddball that I am!

No you aren't 'legally Mrs X' and I can't believe this is still an issue in 2019 ! I got married early 90s and the only thing I changed was from Miss to Ms (keeping my maiden name). A bit of fuss from husband, a bit more from Pils when they found out (but that's another story), otherwise surprisingly little comment for the time. Isn't it fine to change or not, just do what suits you best. Congratulations on your marriage OP