Surname change after marriage

Madonna made a song and dance about being Mrs Ritchie (although ha ha that went so well)

And the ever- irritating Beyonce made a world tour song and dance about being Mrs Carter.

I think Rachel Weisz has a “Mrs Daniel Craig” sign in her car.

I think I would change my name on my passport etc to Rachel Craig, so that it wasn't so obvious that I was a Very Big Star every time I made a booking and probably never stop grinning at the thought that I had Daniel Craig in my bed every night

'I do find it sad that a woman who achieved so much as Rachel Weisz is 'proud' to take a man's name. Even if that man is Daniel Craig.'

I agree. So depressing.

I agree 100% @bananasinpyjamas11 - women uphold the patriarchy and always have. If women did not keep other women in line, we wouldn't need feminism.

It is always women who raise eyebrows at the not changing of names.

And the enforcement of changing kids names - what I really do not understand is women who are not married to the dad but give the kids his name - why????? You're obviously not that into tradition if you don't need to be married to have a child with him.

As the saying goes, "The personal is political". Or maybe that's vice versa, or both. Anyway, what women choose to do reflects what our society does.

Iced - I think it was simply because the younger of the couple didn't particularly like her original surname, which was similar to that of a vegetable. As both were female, presumably they could have been Mrs & Mrs Turnip Smith/Smith Turnip but the former Ms Turnip didn't like being a Turnip.

Rachel Craig seems such a mundane name compared to Rachel Weisz.

Lol so true! Rachel Weisz is such an elegant name - perfect for a beautiful, talented actress. Rachel Craig sounds like an admin assistant's name (not that there's anything wrong with admin assistants!)

Definitely can't pull the 'Oh but his name was just so much nicer" line in this case!

Rachel Craig seems such a mundane name compared to Rachel Weisz.

Of the female-female marriages amongst my friends, all of the couples bar one retained their own surnames. The other couple took the older of the two's name.

That's quite telling, isn't it? It reinforces the gendered nature of this decision, and how the man is automatically the 'senior' party in a marriage.

I remember reading an interview with Rachel Weisz where she said that while she keeps her own name for professional purposes, she officially changed her name on marriage. So on her passport she is 'Rachel Craig'. She said something along the lines of being 'proud' to be 'Mrs. Craig'. Ugh.

Stressing again that as an intelligent adult Rachel is of course free to decide what name to go by, I do find it sad that a woman who achieved so much as Rachel Weisz is 'proud' to take a man's name. Even if that man is Daniel Craig.

Of my circle of friends, over the past 20 years, all but three have taken their husbands name. These people range in age from 50-somethings to 20-somethings. Interesting, two of the three people who didn't take their husbands' name are over 45, and one of them is male.
Of the female-female marriages amongst my friends, all of the couples bar one retained their own surnames. The other couple took the older of the two's name.
I added DHs surname to mine (no hyphen, but always state both surnames).DC use both surnames in the same way I do.
Very few people get it right when addressing things to us, except the school, who manage perfectly well.

My kids have my name and that has caused way more consternation from others.

Mil still addresses cards to DCs with their fathers surname! I get a lot of eye rolling, comments, judgements. The school even judged! I get branded ‘Male’ e.g. even my brother said that I ‘must wear the trousers in the relationship’.

It’s just not acceptable yet in our society.

I think it’s interesting that kids surnames are more taboo than a wives. It’s like people feel it denotes an act against the Dad, it’s emasculates them or is a sign that the child is illegitimate, disowned. Quite deep cultural connotations.

And I also think that much of the pressure to conform comes from other women. It’s women who uphold many of these patriarchal traditions. Quite vehemently at times! And it’s women who provide the socially acceptable reasons to mask it e.g, changing name because it’s hard to spell / don’t like it / or it’s unfair on the kids etc.

Had a friend who appended his name onto his wife's.

Ie, instead of Jim M and and Maria L becoming Mr and Mrs Jim M, they became Jim L-M and his wife Maria L-M. Had nothing to do with feminism - she was Hispanic and that was a tradition in her family.

What was interesting was that I talked to someone who hired him for a job, and the consensus was among the hiring bosses was that that appending her name was a wimpy thing to do, but they flipped a coin to decide and hired him anyway.

Cannot believe we still have to negotiate this shite.

I'm friends with a couple who got married when they were around 50, where she'd been married before and had her ex's surname. They agreed that the name had to go, but neither of them was very keen on her taking the new husband's name, so she reverted to her maiden name, and they both seem to be comfortable with that. He says, "I occasionally get called by her name. It's fun".

@CalmDownPacino sorry that you have also experienced this loss. I love my husband but his name means nothing to me. It's his. Mine came from my Dad who I miss every day, and I had it for 31 years before I got married. For me that meaning is so much more important. If others don't get it, their loss.

The funny thing is when people presume my husband is Irish (because I am, we live in the UK and my name is particularly Irish - so surely he must be Irish, because I've taken his name right?) 😂

@Bananasinpyjamas11 thank you for your sympathy, and I love that you have kept a rare name at that 😄👍

I didn't get any heat for not taking DH's name.

Questions, yes. A few family members asked and MIL assumed til she was corrected, but the conversations all went along the lines of:

• are you going to be Mrs DHname?
• why would I do that?
• fair enough

Only my DM pushed it further and said it's traditional, why get married if I i didn't want to follow tradition, etc. But I just replied that I don't like patriarchal traditions and only wanted marriage for tax and legal purposes, and she didn't mention it again

I do think DM was a bit disappointed that I didn't want the same things that she did, and that, by rejecting labels like wife, Mrs DHname, etc., I was somehow rejecting her and her choices. It didn't affect our relationship, though. And she has continued to address post to me in the name I've had since I was born.

In all seriousness, I would not even consider marrying a man who told me I 'had to' take his name.

Same here. Major red flag.

Why do so many women still change their name? I mean, why hasn't it become a challenged issue in the way so many other equality issues have been?

Romance, innit.

That and the number of men apparently “not accepting” any other options.

"especially as his name isn't english and is weirdly difficult for English people to manage"....exactly the reason many women give for adopting their DH's name .

IMO the issue isn't why women change their names, but why men don't change theirs. I believe reasons include:

Having grown up expecting not to
Having grown up with the understanding that men 'pass their names on' , and women do not, re-inforced by other family members. Men see themselves as the core of of dynasty, women are seen as joining men's dynasty, not the other way round.
The sense that adapting and change is a lower status thing to do in a relationship - the woman changes her circumstances to the man's and maintaining the status quo is the dominant position
Much of the language and traditions of marriage are around men acquiring women. Does Jeremy Kyle ever say to a woman of a man 'put a ring on it'? The woman becomes part of the man's 'brand' , emphasised by changing her name to his.
Populist sexist crap - men assuming that men 'under the thumb' change their names or double-barrel, women 'don't love them enough to get married' etc but this is never reversed.

I tried double barrelling but it was a huge inconvenience. Having to say Comet-DHname every time and spell it along with the hyphen was a PITA. It didn’t fit on those forms with little boxes. I changed my name on two bank accounts before I got bored and decided I couldn’t be bothered changing everything else. So I just kept my maiden name.

DS has my name as a middle name and DH’s surname. Mostly because I found it a PITA for the week that I used a double barrelled name and I didn’t want to inflict it on DS for life.

The children having men's names is also interesting. I didn't take DH' name. (And I've used a version of the "that's okay Karen, I'll just call you Nancy from now on" suggestion from page 1, successfully! )

However both DC have DH name. Both DH and I are fully aware that this is not a particularly feminist decision and it was discussed at length. DH strongly wanted us to do something like give DC1 one name and DC2 mine. Or perhaps split it by girls/boys. He did have a real sense that he wanted a child with his name - which we both attributed to a slightly irrational but nonetheless real feeling generated from spending his entire life assuming his children would have his name.

I was the one who resisted giving the DC different names. Intellectually, I think his boy/girl suggestion was a good one. However, I couldn't face it. I took so much heat when I refused to take his name from the weirdest corners - family, friends, colleagues and random strangers - that I didn't feel I was willing to fight the fight about why we were giving the DC different/my name. I completely accept that was not a particularly feminist decision, and I own it as such.

DH still makes name noises. He's repeatedly said if the DC want to take my name in due course he'd be understanding, especially as his name isn't english and is weirdly difficult for English people to manage (it's not a particularly complicated foreign name IMO). He's even more supportive of the idea of DD taking my name down the line if she lands up being the rampant feminist I am!

Broadly though, I agree. If you choose to take your DH name, I think it's sensible to at least consider what decision you make. We don't have to make decisions that fit with all our feminist goals all the time, but the lack of thought before 99% of my friends rushed off to change to Mrs DHName always disturbs me.

Yes it’s not always so much the name change as the speed and eagerness to change Instagram handles etc. Or the woman I knew who bought embroidered bed linen etc with E.g. “Mrs Smith” on and her mum put them on when they were away on honeymoon. Can’t be starting married life without your correct name on your sheets and towels, can you?