Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

boundary assertion gold star" a thing, but I'd need to come up with a more snappy name.

My Boundary Badge?

Oh I love your boundary assertion gold star idea Tinsel! I think that could be appropriated across the rest of FWR and the Relationships boards. It's a bit clunky but how about being the badass ?!

Basically I'm scared.

thanks @TinselAngel! I really appreciate the gold star!!

I know that I don't have to be nice, however I do need to be seen (by the court) to have been as helpful as possible, so I will send one last message and then anything further will get either ignored or addressed by my solicitor as i will have done my bit.

I know that they aren't going to agree, but I guess that isn't the important thing, it's important that they have the issues explained to them at least in part, otherwise they don't have the option to respond positively. We all know that they won't respond positively. We know that it will all be about how unfair it all is, how upset they are, how i'm being evil, how i've imagined everything, and how the children are being brainwashed...

I guess I'm just trying to be as squeaky clean as I possibly can be, as I know that she's going to throw a tantrum and drag this back into court, and I need to know that the judge can't turn round and say that I've been obstructive or haven't tried. It's more for my peace of mind than for any positive effect it will have on them, i guess. Does that make sense?

I don't want anything do cloud the fact that Ex is being completely unreasonable and is incapable of comprehending the children's needs. I need it to be about that, and not about whether I haven't been helpful enough.

Thank you very much for being so supportive. I'm feeling very low today so it's really nice to be able to step into a safe space.

To answer a few questions, yes I'm in the UK, and the kids are 12 (almost 13), 11 and 9. My 11 year old is autistic and my 12 year old has ME.

I have been referring to the ex as 'she' because at the beginning I thought it was the best thing for the kids for me to be as open-minded about the situation as I can, and also during all the court proceedings it is important to be as politically correct as possible. It's now become a habit more than anything else, rather than a choice. Whatever else she pretends to be for everyone else, to me she is still a narcissistic, abusive and not-very-realistic man in a dress. The fact that he is the one that raped me, was abusive towards me during and since the marriage, and continues to gaslight me and tell me that I am insane or imagining things. (i was even accused of having munchausen's syndrome by proxy when I told her that our youngest was in hospital with asthma.) means that to me it feels as though the gender change is part of the narcissism, abuse and control, and is actually part of very male behaviour. So whatever pronoun I happen to be using, I do still see 'him' rather than a woman.

As I'm sure you can tell, I have a lot of frustration and exasperation still regarding a lot of it, but having attended counselling previously, and knowing that I am never going to be rid of her because of the children, I don't feel there is much that can be done about that now. I know that I'm justified in my feelings and that I'm not imagining her behaviour now though, which is a huge help to my sanity.

Anyway.. I went and saw the solicitor on Tuesday and she was really helpful. She reassured me that I am following the court order to the letter and that as the resident parent, the way the order is written all direct contact is entirely at my discretion. She said that i have done everything I could do to promote contact between the kids and my ex, and that it isn't working, and therefore I am completely allowed to withdraw it.

She advised me to write a 'nice' message to my ex explaining briefly what the situation is and that I should send it as soon as possible, as again that will be seen as proactive by the court should she apply again.

I spent a long time drafting a message with the help of my partner, who has been incredibly supportive throughout all the contact. We sent it yesterday morning, and although I haven't yet heard back directly from my ex yet, I have been contacted by her mother. (I think her mother is still visiting with her at the moment, so it is pretty much the same thing).

My ex-mil is almost as bad as my ex. (she was also there at the time of the marriage ending, knew what happened, and told me to stop being silly and go back to bed with him!!) She also completely fails to grasp many of the issues or any of the children's needs.

The message could have been written by either of them, and was very much 'the boys weren't upset, that was me/us that were upset because dd wouldn't give us a hug or go with us. And nobody said 'mum'. '

Yeah.

I broke down last night with the stress of the last 2 weeks, and today i'm feeling completely run down and exhausted by it all. I do, however, need to send another 'nice' response explaining to both of them gently that IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU, that wishes and boundaries should be respected at all times whether you understand the reasons for them or not, and that causing an autistic child to have a meltdown and then punishing him for having it is not acceptable and does not constitute a 'fun day out'.

I may have started the day with a chocolate doughnut.

Eggotchi, also really glad you came here for support. We all need a place where we can talk about this.

Couldn't agree more. Stay systematic, document everything so you have a record of facts and feel in control, and absolutely stop this now. You've been generous and trued again but you are on strong ground. Also it may help to really neutralizer things: It's about the kids and him/her, and your role is background. One of mine was 13 and my solicitor said no court in the UK would force a young person that age to have contact. I would be logging everything that concerns you. Stay calm, practical and as impersonal as you can. Use legal help to do the difficult stuff and focus solely on the best interests of the children. Only communicate with hom/her about the kids (there's lots of helpful stuff on MN about keeping contact with an ex minimal for your sanity). You are absolutely doing the right thing and your kids, and your, welfare are paramount. Your ex's behaviour is monstrous. Focus on the bad/damaging/agreement-breaking behaviour and minimize reference to the trans issue. I can't imagine how hard this must be but you are among friends here, many of whom have lived first-hand abusive and narcissistic behaviour. You're really strong and wise and you know you are doing what you need to do. But this needs to stop. We have your back

Hello everyone, I've been pointed to this thread by a friend of mine as a good place for support and also to see the patterns between my ex's behaviour and other transexuals towards their partners and ex partners.

I'm sorry this post is so long but it's partly to give you an overview, and partly cathartic for me to let a bit of it out.

My ex was a man when we met at university. I was very poorly, and he became my carer as well as my partner. I was very grateful for his attention and support. When he told me at that stage that he liked to occasionally wear women's clothes, he hugely downplayed it saying it was only occasional, not serious and didn't want to do it full time, and so I decided that was a reasonable balance that I could cope with.

During the next 7 years, it gradually became more important to him, and as my health improved and the kids came along and my energies and attention were directed elsewhere, he became more and more difficult to live with, refusing to engage with myself or the children and being abusive. The final straw was when he raped me. I threw him out. Two weeks later when meeting to discuss the children (or so i thought) (s)he turned up dressed in fishnet tights, high heels and a mini skirt and said that this was what she wanted to do now. Transition took a little while to take hold, and it was a few months later when she was having contact with the kids at her house that she came into them dressed as a woman and told them that they should call her mummy now. The children were not happy with this name at all. There were a series of physical child safety issues at around the same time and all contact was stopped and court processes started. Instead of realising the damage she was doing, she instead sent the kids a book called 'my new mommy' which was degrading and shocking in it's interpretation of women, (things like 'now we can sit and do makeup together) as well as it's message that she was now their mother.

After 5 years and a number of court hearings, there was a final order for indirect contact only and that included instruction for her not to refer to herself as a maternal figure and for us to work towards contact if appropriate.

After this, the kids went through some unrelated trauma, and so a couple of years ago I allowed her to visit the children to see for herself that they were ok. From there, we have gone on to weekend visits once every few months from her and her mother, however her behaviour has not changed, or has in face worsened, and I am now in the position of having to re-instigate that court order for indirect contact only due to the amount of harm her behaviour is causing the children.

She wouldn't even acknowledge or discuss a change in contact arrangements for this visit. I had been allowing them to come into my home for the children's sakes, but this has been shown on a number of occasions to be a way of her being abusive, rude and controlling. When organising the dates for this visit, I stated that contact would be at a neutral location only. When I messaged her with 5 days to go to double check arrangements, She said 'i was ignoring it because it is insane' and went on to threaten me with court, taking the children away etc all because I would no longer allow her into my home. I completely grey-rocked that but it was difficult.

She refuses to acknowledge the children's needs yet is completely obsessed with her own (she once told a judge that because she is trans that the equalities act comes into play and trumps the children's act, so she should have custody of them!).

My daughter is being repeatedly hurt by her wishes and boundaries being ignored, and yet my ex continues to do so, and this weekend when dd refused to hug her or go on contact with her, she dismissed it as 'yeah, nobody wants to hug their mum'. She also said, when reminded that dd has asked to not be called by any pet names (she is a teenager and considers them to be both too intimate, and also more fitting of a preschooler) that dd is her daughter (as if this supercedes dd's wishes) and that dd didn't want to spend time with her and that really upsets her. Both my younger children were listening to this too.

What I don't know is whether this is pure narcissist, part of the trans mindset, or something else entirely, let alone how best to deal with it effectively for the battle about to start. I am trying to grey rock but I also have to stand up for my kids as this can't continue. I'm dreading the fallout when I inform her that she is back on indirect contact only for the forseeable future. I'm off to a solicitor this afternoon for advice, but I'd like to feel more personally strong as well as just legally strong before I launch into what might be another lengthy court battle.

Again, sorry this is so long and I really appreciate anyone taking the time to read through it or respond.
X

They're both in college. Right now I'm telling them that I need time away from them.

Brief interruption...

... there's a section at the end of this 4th Wave article by a butch lesbian who transitioned and is now detransitioning about the lack of support (well, abuse) her wife received while she was transitioning.

4thwavenow.com/2019/07/14/from-the-ashes-butch-lesbian-her-family-rebuild-life-after-transition/

I can imagine your pain. He was never the mother and could never be a mother, your children already have one. They need a father too.

My ex has our daughters calling him "Mom" now. I am so angry I can barely type this.

When it comes to rules, you can't beat The Rules of Misogyny (thanks to the much missed The Bewilderness):

1st rule of misogyny: Women are responsible for what men do.
2nd rule of misogyny: Women saying no to men is a hate crime.
3rd rule of misogyny: Women speaking for themselves are exclusionary and selfish.
4th rule of misogyny: Women’s opinions are violence against men thus male violence against women is justified.
5th rule of misogyny: WATM! Women and Feminism must be useful to men or they are worthless.
6th rule of misogyny: Women who go around being female AT men by menstruating and breast feeding babies deserve punishment.
7th rule of misogyny: Women should always be grateful to men for everything.
8th rule of misogyny: Men are whatever men say they are and women are whatever men say they are.
9th rule of misogyny: Men always know the “real reasons” for everything women do and say. 10th rule of misogyny: The worst thing about male violence is that it males men look bad. 11th rule of misogyny: Basic pattern recognition skills are cruel and evil when they hurt men’s feelings.
12th rule of misogyny: whatever women suffer from, men suffer from more.
13th rule of misogyny: Women are not oppressed! Rape and catcalling and objectification are all compliments, not oppression.
14th rule of misogyny: Women have all the rights they need: The right to remain silent

twinkly what you write about the stockings etc is so true .

I have an ex (thank God ) friend who I now know to be AGP (thanks to Mumsnet threads )

I thought he was "fun androgynous friend " for a while .

But deep down some of his views on women were very weird and scary and controlling and linked to exhibitionism and flashing.

You know when you hear some creepy rapist types who "see sex" everywhere and claim every woman is "giving men the eye" and all women are "using sex" .

That's what was going on inside his head and that's the image of women he wanted to buy into - it was a combination of things over a length of time , but it was like he didn't "approve " if I acted and dressed normally because all women "should" want to put on red dresses and high heels and talk about lipstick 24\7.

Part of the sexual kink is going out and being stared at in public . Which shows just how MALE these people are - as biological women we all know not to draw attention to ourselves due to safety concerns (plus we know other women are quick to judge \socially ostracise) but for a six foot bloke the thrill of being looked at and having people commenting on them whilst being physically safe is all part of the fetish .

the 12 "rules" are written on the basis of helping marriages to work.

Yes, they give off a strong sense of "how to negotiate with my abuser to get the level of abuse down to something I can bear".

There doesn't seem to be this rule:

If it gets too much, then, even if my partner doesn't want it, I can walk away from the relationship*

• Subject to this being possible in terms of finances, children, being able to set up a new home, etc.

Tinsel - yes was written maybe before transgenderism had really imploded, and cross-dressing was the prominent issue, therefore the 12 "rules" are written on the basis of helping marriages to work.
so therefore, as you say could very much appear like these are open to negotiation. So I think something more defined as it's coming from T.W, besides how many men would be as tolerant?
Thanks for the encouragement, I'd like to find out what his on-line life is, it's kept under lock and key, so I'm suspicious, but would like to know the extent of it.